Growing Apart From Friends Or It's In My Head?

LegacyUser

I'm a regular boards user but staying anonymous for this.

Was out last night with the gang but I felt very excluded, myself and my missus went to their house first and everybody was in the kitchen we walked in and only one or two said hello to us and I felt at first that I was invisible, we went to at a late bar then and it was much worse there!! this hasn't been the first time it happened.

I thought it was only a once off last time but the fact it happened again as made me realise I have drifted apart from them.
I went abroad for 2 years and arrived home last July for good with my missus. Before I left I was very close with this group of friends and they were sad to see me go and even got closer when another friend we had died a few years previously.

At times when I was in foreign country it was tough been away and not seeing them but I got through it. When both of us decided to come home I was really looking forward to seeing them all, was great at first catching up etc but soon the novelty wore off, I noticed things that I never noticed before like there is mini groups going in within the gang if that makes sense.
I know everyone is living their life but we have nights outs occasionally and not every weekend.
Usually when we together I ask how their jobs are going and other questions, but nobody never asks me how I am getting on, I feel such a stranger and it really upsets me.

I know people change and the fact I went away is a factor too, not sure is it jealously that I did something like that as all of them never did something like that. I even think that they don't like my missus aswell but no need to exclude us!!

At this stage I dread when a night out is planned and I don't want to be there and feel like a spare wheel.
Any advice?

Tokyo

Hi OP,

First thing to point out is that it's not in your head - you HAVE grown apart from your friends. You've lived abroad for two years, so it was bound to happen. I've lived overseas myself for quite a long time, and it seems to be a common misconception amongst expats that while they are abroad living new lives and experiencing new things, everybody is back at home doing the same old thing, just waiting for your return. I know this because I felt the same way the first time I lived abroad.

The fact is, that since you have been gone, things have changed. Couples have no doubt formed and broken up, people have gotten married, children have been born, etc, etc. It's not the end of the world, but the dynamic *has* changed, and it's going to take a while to get back into things again. You're not being excluded, I would imagine, it's just hard to relate to people when your lives have been so different, even if it's only been for a while.

There's no one stop solution for this - the only thing I can suggest is to be patient with your friends. It's going to take a while with you getting back into local events and activities before you have things in common again to talk about and have a beer over. It's frustrating of course, but give it a bit of time before you make any decisions.

IrishEyes19

Out of interest, did anyone else have their girlfriend/partner with them? Do you ever go out with her. Im not saying this is the problem, but as I read your post I kept hearing me and the missus, me and the missus.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Out of interest, did anyone else have their girlfriend/partner with them? Do you ever go out with her. Im not saying this is the problem, but as I read your post I kept hearing me and the missus, me and the missus.

OP here, 2 of the group didn't have their girlfriends there last night. I actually do go out with my partner,if I'm not going out with the gang we do our thing.
We live in different counties, when we got home first I was going to her place most weekends, it just worked out that way.

What has going out with my partner got do to with my issue in my opening post?

Something else I thought of too, I had a milestone birthday recently and had a party and a couple I got to know when I was away flew over, they from the Uk and we all were in the same foreign country.

As the night went on I noticed none of the group spoke to them, thought it was very rude and ignorant in my eyes. Does nobody mingle anymore? And the fact they were sitting on 2 tables beside each other.

IrishEyes19

Excluded28 wrote: »

OP here, 2 of the group didn't have their girlfriends there last night. I actually do go out with my partner,if I'm not going out with the gang we do our thing.
We live in different counties, when we got home first I was going to her place most weekends, it just worked out that way.

What has going out with my partner got do to with my issue in my opening post?

Something else I thought of too, I had a milestone birthday recently and had a party and a couple I got to know when I was away flew over, they from the Uk and we all were in the same foreign country.

As the night went on I noticed none of the group spoke to them, thought it was very rude and ignorant in my eyes. Does nobody mingle anymore? And the fact they were sitting on 2 tables beside each other.

it has a lot to do with it. If you constantly bring along the girlfriend, depending on what the group thinks of her, it can impact on your friendships and you said they dont like her. so obviously it does have a lot to do with it

R.D. aka MR.D

i agree with other posters that the girlfriend may have something to do with it. If they don't like her then they might be treating you differently because of it. Maybe they assumed that your friends were going to be 'just like the girlfriend'.

i live abroad and have done on and off for the last 5 years. Going home is very difficult because you can't just slide back into a group.

CaraMay

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

it has a lot to do with it. If you constantly bring along the girlfriend, depending on what the group thinks of her, it can impact on your friendships and you said they dont like her. so obviously it does have a lot to do with it

Exactly. It most likely does have something to do with it.

LegacyUser

I came on here to look for advice on my problem and it not turn into a "bash my girlfriend thread"
I only said that it could be a problem I don't have concrete proof of it. I don't see why they would have a problem with her, some friends they are if that the case.
Least she mingles and not be a wall flower.

Merkin

Excluded28 wrote: »

I came on here to look for advice on my problem and it not turn into a "bash my girlfriend thread"
I only said that it could be a problem I don't have concrete proof of it. I don't see why they would have a problem with her, some friends they are if that the case.
Least she mingles and not be a wall flower.

Nobody is here to bash your girlfriend, don't be so touchy. You asked for advice and people, impartial people who don't know you or your girlfriend from Adam, are merely suggesting that your omnipresent girlfriend could in fact be an issue for some people, that seems like a perfectly reasonable suggestion for your friends behaviour. You might not like all the advice offered to you in good faith but no need to attack people who take the time out of their day to respond to you.

December2012

Do you see your friends on your own?

CaraMay

Excluded28 wrote: »

I came on here to look for advice on my problem and it not turn into a "bash my girlfriend thread"
I only said that it could be a problem I don't have concrete proof of it. I don't see why they would have a problem with her, some friends they are if that the case.
Least she mingles and not be a wall flower.

Ok then it's not your gf, you have **** taste in friends so.... You are wondering why they are all still friends yet are not very friendly to you. It's one or the other op

freshpopcorn

I am a guy and I have a group of male friends that I get on well with. When we meet up tough it's generally them that I want to meet and not there girlfriends. At the feeling is mutual. It's not that we don't like each other's girlfriends. It's just when somebody brings there girlfriend along it does impact on the friendship.

LegacyUser

Well something has changed. It's either them or you, to state the obvious!

If there's cliques forming within the group, maybe there's been a falling out, and you aren't aware of it and have somehow put your foot it in.

I think you need consider that it could be you: do you talk about 'when we were in X' a lot more than you realise? Are you constantly comparing life/houses/prices in Ireland to whatever country you were in? Are you changing the dynamic of nights out by always bringing your GF (is it always couples, or have you brought your GF where she was the only female)? Do you make time for these friends individually outside the gang meet ups?

Had you asked them to include your overseas friends in your birthday celebrations - lots of people aren't that comfortable with strangers. Or maybe your friends just wanted a catch up together - it really was your own responsibility to look after your overseas friends.

Tokyo

OP, it's not a case of girlfriend bashing, as you put it - you introduced the possibility of it maybe being a factor, which it *may* be. It's hard to tell with such a limited amount of information.

It's hard to tell from your posts thus far, but it sounds like you met your wife while abroad, and she came back with you - is this the case? If so, it can often take more than one or two meetings before people feel at ease with someone's partner, particularly if it is a close group in general. It may not be a case of not liking her, they may just need time to get more comfortable with her. It's just one possibility - again for you to judge for yourself.

But TBH, it sounds a bit if you want to live in the past. You say that your group was close, even moreso due to the death of a friend, and you seem to want things to be exactly the same as they were. The reality is, the group dynamic has changed, and you may need to learn to change with it. You seem to have the idea in your head that they may be jealous that you moved abroad, where it may be a much simpler case of it's not that big a deal to them, and they have their own lives to worry about.

From the sounds of it, the last get togethers seem to have been with 'the gang'. Have you tried meeting as part of a smaller group? Perhaps you, your wife, and one or two of your friends and their partners? I'd imagine that you'd have a lot more in common with other couples, and a lot more to discuss, than just trying to jump straight back into 'the gang' again....

IrishEyes19

I wasn't bashing your gf, OP, you actually said you felt your pals didnt like her. And then I asked you if you always bring her along, I only asked because even if they adored your gf, sometimes you like to see the original gang and not the partners. Its normal. Im not going to sugar coat it for you. A prime example would be a work group I go out with. we all have partners, but we have had a nights out and yes, we introduced bf's/gf/s. However we were chatting one day and said why not have a work only night the odd time as some bf/gf's wanted to go home early, or weren't always clued in on certain jokes. I never said there was anything wrong with your gf and by all means they should be welcome, but it can be a pain the a$$ when it becomes overly frequent and you cant socialise the same with a pal because the partner is there.

IrishEyes19

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I am a guy and I have a group of male friends that I get on well with. When we meet up tough it's generally them that I want to meet and not there girlfriends. At the feeling is mutual. It's not that we don't like each other's girlfriends. It's just when somebody brings there girlfriend along it does impact on the friendship.

Plus one on this, I actually drifted from a very close friend when they started bringing their partner to EVERY event I held, even a meet up coffee between just us. It was so weird. Here we were trying to have the normal chats about "girl" stuff or life in general and I had this blue eyed boyfriend sitting across at me, raising an eyebrow everytime I mentioned anything. It was so uncomfortable that the conversation was so bland, going from how is college going to what did you get up to today. that friend fell out of the group,

LegacyUser

First off I want to apologize for snapping earlier and also thanks for all the replies I have gotten from you all so far.
To answer some questions, this group of friends is made of all couples and a single person too. When we have nights out, it's everyone that goes, a lads night out happens once every blue moon. One couple live near me and I see them a lot at their house during the week.

Since I came back to Ireland I settled in very fast, I don't pine to be gone again and I never mention when I was away on nights out or compare the two countries.

I had mentioned numerous times that my overseas friends were going to be at my birthday celebrations. My logic is that it was my party and I could invite who i wanted.

I didn't meet my partner while I was away, I met her before I left, she was always wanting to go away so she left 4 months after me, (she is Irish too) and met me overseas.
She had met most of the gang just before I left.

I used to be a person who wanted to live in past and didn't like to see things changing but been away made me realise that this is not the case and people and scenarios change as we get older.

LegacyUser

How do you get on with the couple you see regularly? Do they include you in social events outside of the gang? Do they speak to you when you are out with the gang? How did your GF get on with the gang before you left Ireland?

From your last post, it sounds like you believe that nothing at all has changed. But if you were treated differently before you left, then clearly something has changed. Do you think it could be that you don't realise that you are behaving differently? Tbh you really were hugely snappy (which you've apologised for) in previous posts. Could you be behaving as defensively and snappily with your friends? Is there any chance that as they got to know your GF since your return, they realised they don't get on with her?

LegacyUser

Ackly wrote: »

How do you get on with the couple you see regularly? Do they include you in social events outside of the gang? Do they speak to you when you are out with the gang? How did your GF get on with the gang before you left Ireland?

From your last post, it sounds like you believe that nothing at all has changed. But if you were treated differently before you left, then clearly something has changed. Do you think it could be that you don't realise that you are behaving differently? Tbh you really were hugely snappy (which you've apologised for) in previous posts. Could you be behaving as defensively and snappily with your friends? Is there any chance that as they got to know your GF since your return, they realised they don't get on with her?

The couple I see regularly I get on very well with, they are the type of couple that would be the first to hear of any big news I may have, they were the first to know I was heading away abroad, things like that.

On nights out they do speak to me, they never blank me. I have gone to the cinema with them and a few days away also without the rest of them.

I would never be defensive or snappy towards my friends.

Never thought that since been back that as they got to know my GF better that they don't get on with her.