Psychological abuse from soon to be ex

Kashkai

I'm in the process of splitting from my wife of 16 years. For the record, I've never been unfaithful or abusive towards her. I've worked hard both outside and inside the home and I'm a great Dad. However, she doesn't and never has given a damn about me. I was just a money supply to her. When I finally confronted her about the state of our relationship, she freaked and the abuse (which was always there at a low level) was ramped up to the max. From the moment I get up in the morning to the time I leave for work, and also when I get home in the evening, she makes sneering abusive comments about me in front of our kids.

Everyone I know says ignore her but when you get this ****e 24/7, it really gets to you, believe me. I go out of my way not to provoke her, I do most of the housework and childminding etc but she just never let's up. What the hell can I do about this? I've asked her to stop and let's split amicably but that just seems to make her worse. She says there's nothing between us and we should never have married (agree there) but she just won't engage with the separation. We tried mediation but she just wouldn't engage there and spent the sessions abusing me until the mediators said enough. I've asked her to settle things between us without dragging ourselves through the courts but she won't.

I have no option but to go to court now but this bloody constant abuse is soul destroying. I've often thought her game is to either make me lash out (I've never hit anyone but Christ I feel like it sometimes) or just walk to get away from her. However my solicitor has advised me not to leave as it would weaken my case. My ex has also been abusive towards my kids up to and including hitting and punching them. She has serious mental issues but comes across as all nice and sweet to outsiders.

Sorry for rambling but she's in the next room giving out to the kids because they dared suggest they bake me a cake for my birthday. "why do you want to make him anything?" she says. Now she's singing "it's his party and he'll cry if he wants to". If I could record her and play it to you, you'd understand.

How do you deal with this? Turn a deaf ear? Respond in kind? Leave my kids in the care of this loony?

Christ I wish she was out of my life.

LegacyUser

You need to stop living there today for your own sanity.

This whole situation is not good for the children. If she is violent towards them you should contact social services.

Czarcasm

Kashkai wrote: »

I'm in the process of splitting from my wife of 16 years. For the record, I've never been unfaithful or abusive towards her. I've worked hard both outside and inside the home and I'm a great Dad....

My ex has also been abusive towards my kids up to and including hitting and punching them. She has serious mental issues but comes across as all nice and sweet to outsiders.

Sorry for rambling but she's in the next room giving out to the kids because they dared suggest they bake me a cake for my birthday. "why do you want to make him anything?" she says. Now she's singing "it's his party and he'll cry if he wants to". If I could record her and play it to you, you'd understand.

OP I'll make no apologies for saying this but your wife may have a point when you're out in the next room on the internet while you're listening to your wife giving out to your children. That's not what a great dad would do. That's what somebody who is only thinking of themselves would do. Talking about recording your wife while at the same time suggesting she has mental issues? What you've written in your post and what you describe and the way you talk about your wife, would you be prepared to have yourself recorded on tape?

How do you deal with this? Turn a deaf ear? Respond in kind? Leave my kids in the care of this loony?

Christ I wish she was out of my life.

How do I deal with it? I contact the Gardai on the children's behalf and inform their local social worker for their area. They take it from there.

Perhaps just FYI you might want to dial back on suggesting your wife is a "loony" with mental issues if you don't want to sound as bad as you think your wife is. The last thing your children need is bearing witness to the behaviour of both of you tbh.

IHeartShoes

That's awful hard for you OP and it really must be a nightmare subjecting yourself to that on a daily basis. Obviously no matter what your wife says about never marrying you she's angry, hurt and probably feeling rejected by the position you are taking and is acting accordingly. Not everyone can take a mature attitude and take the higher ground for the sake of the children.

I certainly don't think you should respond in kind - what kind of war zone would that be for you and the children to live in? Not sure the gardai will get involved in what they will consider a domestic situation and I would really only involve social workers if you absolutely have to. If the children are being abused by your wife then you should contact them of course and that would be necessary if you are considering going for full custody of them. I do not advocate hitting children, have never slapped my own daughter but there is a difference between hitting or slapping them and outright physical abuse. But you know best there.

The best thing to do for all involved is to move out if you can afford to. I am not legally qualified and am not giving legal advice, but the most likely result here is that your wife will be left in the family home until the children are no longer dependent and then house sold and equity divided according to court order unless she can buy you out. So you remaining there isn't going to protect your position, in my opinion. Could you get a second opinion or discuss the situation with your solicitor in terms of how untenable your situation has become continuing to live under the same roof?

What to do in the meantime? Get good support around you from your friends and family. Use them to vent to when it gets too much - you need some release. Can you speak to her family such as Mother or Sister without escalating the situation? You certainly don't want the abuse toward you to get any worse.

I wish you the best of luck in this horrible situation OP. Console yourself with the knowledge that you are a good Dad. You do sound like it to me, even if exasperation with your wife causes you to use some unfortunate language. The thing with the cake is unusually cruel. But continue to take the higher ground and try to engage with her as little as possible. She sounds like she is past reason and any engagement is adding fuel to the fire. It won't be easy.

This too will pass:) I'll be thinking of you.

S

YumCha

OP I see this as 2 separate issues - the way she treats you and the way she treats your kids. When it comes to you and her, yes there's probably not much you can do except try to set boundaries and disengage when she invariably crosses them. There are a lot of counsellors who can help with this.

How she treats your kids on the other hand - this is absolutely one area in which you cannot sit on the sidelines. My mum was physically and emotionally abusive, but my dad stayed out of it as he was scared of her, and in the end I resented them both as we were left with absolutely no buffer or protection from her behaviour for years.

This is not the time to play "who's worse" here - if she is hitting your kids, and you don't take steps to stop it - then both of you are letting your children down. Frankly I'm a little worried that you think your soon to be ex is so horrible, yet you list leaving your kids with her as a solution to YOUR problem... Who's thinking about what's right for them?

strobe

Go into the local gardai station and report her for assaulting your children.

Tokyo

Have you spoken to your solicitor regarding your wife hitting and punching your children? What has he/she suggested you do in terms of getting this abuse recorded? It's easy to say that the physical abuse and the relationship between you and your wife are two separate things, but in reality they are intertwined. When you separate and are living apart, your children may very well end up living with her, only without you to intervene should she physically abuse them again.

alias06

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP I'll make no apologies for saying this but your wife may have a point when you're out in the next room on the internet while you're listening to your wife giving out to your children. That's not what a great dad would do. That's what somebody who is only thinking of themselves would do.

I don't really get this Czarcasm. Its sounds like his wife is really abusive. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as her if I was him. What is supposed to do? Go into the room and have a big row in front of the kids. In fairness the OP is at a loose end here and has asked for advice.

Czarcasm wrote: »

Talking about recording your wife while at the same time suggesting she has mental issues? What you've written in your post and what you describe and the way you talk about your wife, would you be prepared to have yourself recorded on tape?

Again in fairness, the OP actually said:

Kashkai wrote:

If I could record her and play it to you, you'd understand.

He never said he was actually going to do it. Though in the circumstances it is understandable it would cross his mind.

Czarcasm wrote: »

How do I deal with it? I contact the Gardai on the children's behalf and inform their local social worker for their area. They take it from there.

Perhaps just FYI you might want to dial back on suggesting your wife is a "loony" with mental issues if you don't want to sound as bad as you think your wife is. The last thing your children need is bearing witness to the behaviour of both of you tbh.

Fair point alright. Its more that she is abusing all around her.

IrishEyes19

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP I'll make no apologies for saying this but your wife may have a point when you're out in the next room on the internet while you're listening to your wife giving out to your children. That's not what a great dad would do. That's what somebody who is only thinking of themselves would do. Talking about recording your wife while at the same time suggesting she has mental issues? What you've written in your post and what you describe and the way you talk about your wife, would you be prepared to have yourself recorded on tape?





How do I deal with it? I contact the Gardai on the children's behalf and inform their local social worker for their area. They take it from there.

Perhaps just FYI you might want to dial back on suggesting your wife is a "loony" with mental issues if you don't want to sound as bad as you think your wife is. The last thing your children need is bearing witness to the behaviour of both of you tbh.

I think you are completely wrong to say this to the OP, you havent a clue what he does 99 percent of the time, when this woman is acting the way she is and as for the recording what she does, it sounds like a flippant comment but at the same time, I wouldnt dismiss it. It sounds like these kids need a safe environment and she sounds manipulative. as for being on the net, he came here for advice not judgement, you wouldnt say the same to a woman being abused by a partner if she chose to look for some objective advice, so I dont get why this mans call for help is so wrong to you.

OP, get profesional legal advice. I think that is the best route.

alias06

OP you really should be bringing all this to your solicitor.

Czarcasm

alias06 wrote: »

I don't really get this Czarcasm. Its sounds like his wife is really abusive. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as her if I was him. What is supposed to do? Go into the room and have a big row in front of the kids. In fairness the OP is at a loose end here and has asked for advice.

Hiding away in the next room while his children take the brunt of his wife's abuse is no way to solve the issue either alias. Was his urgency that great that instead of going in and sending his children to bed and THEN have it out with his wife, instead he hides out and comes on the internet. Not only has he made himself a prisoner in his own home, but he's made his children prisoners in their own home too instead of supporting them by telling his wife where to get off!

Again in fairness, the OP actually said:

He never said he was actually going to do it. Though in the circumstances it is understandable it would cross his mind.

The reason I pointed that out and asked the question alias is because the OP is making out they're the innocent party, while at the same time claiming the woman has mental issues, and if they are to record their wife on tape, they need to think about how their use of language would sound during the same conversation on the same tape.

Fair point alright. Its more that she is abusing all around her.

That's the way it sounds alright alias, but from reading the OP I get the impression his wife's behaviour didn't escalate in a vacuum, or at least it shouldn't have been allowed to escalate to this point, and the OP needs to take whatever steps are necessary to protect the children first of all, and then protect himself. Property and so forth are replaceable, the damage the situation is doing to the OP and his children however will have a much more lasting effect and be much harder to contain if the OP doesn't take legal action now and allows the situation to continue to escalate.

I don't know anything about the law in Ireland, but is it possible for the OP to have his wife removed from the home for abusing the kids (and him), and apply for an order to keep her out?

Are there no legal mechanisms to take an abuser out of the home?

Czarcasm

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I think you are completely wrong to say this to the OP, you havent a clue what he does 99 percent of the time, when this woman is acting the way she is and as for the recording what she does, it sounds like a flippant comment but at the same time, I wouldnt dismiss it. It sounds like these kids need a safe environment and she sounds manipulative. as for being on the net, he came here for advice not judgement, you wouldnt say the same to a woman being abused by a partner if she chose to look for some objective advice, so I dont get why this mans call for help is so wrong to you.

OP, get profesional legal advice. I think that is the best route.

By that same token IrishEyes, you haven't a clue what I do 99% of the time, and a lot of what I do IS dealing with chaotic home life situations and domestic violence, and I HAVE actually said the same to people, be they man or woman when I saw that they were leaving their children in danger while trying to extricate themselves from the situation. This is why I don't consider anything flippant about the OP's comments and why I suggested that they should be more wary of what they're actually saying. I'm not judging the OP at all either, we all have found ourselves in difficult circumstances, but his call for help while he knows his children are in a more vulnerable position at that immediate point in time, that's what I wanted the OP to think about. If his wife IS physically and mentally abusing his children, then THEY should be his priority and not himself.

Czarcasm

Candie wrote: »

I don't know anything about the law in Ireland, but is it possible for the OP to have his wife removed from the home for abusing the kids (and him), and apply for an order to keep her out?

Are there no legal mechanisms to take an abuser out of the home?

The law applies equally Candie to either spouse (can't link directly as I'm on mobile) -

http://www.amen.ie/q_and_a.html#5

Gatling

Op sorry to hear your going through this ,

But first start keeping a record of everything in a diary ,
Time's ,dates ,type of abuse towards you or your kids ,
This is extremely important ,and you will need this for future court dates ,
You need to get advice about getting a safety order then barring order to keep her away from you and importantly the kids ,
You need to be able to show she has a history of aggressive and abusive behavior ,
Don't be afraid to use record incidents on your phone too ,

If things get any worse get your kids and yourself to the nearest Garda station and request help in protecting your family ,

Maura74

Op you should go to your GP tomorrow and tell s/he what is happening to your children and adviser that your wife is also abusive towards you as well. You cannot take it anymore and you are VERY CONCERNED for your children. GP should alert protection for your children and you can obviously take the correct steps in getting her some medical help if that is wants needed.... Not easy coping with that situation but you must act for your children as they are not to blame for what is happening with their mother.

tara73

OP, may I ask why you married her and have kids with her in the first place?
I presume you knew her a bit before you got married and have kids, did she change to that monster you describe just in the last years?

sorry I might be wrong as I don't know anybody of you two, but it sounds very biased/black and white/ I'm-the-victim-case.
you might want to think whether you have a responsible part in this mess too.

Big Bag of Chips

Can you move out and bring the kids?

I agree that you are an adult and as such capable of making your own decisions and choices. Your kids need their parents to make their decisions for them, and so far you are continuing to decide to keep them in the line of fire from someone who is abusive to you and them. If you allow it to go on, or even separate and leave the kids with their mother, that you will have no relationship with your kids when they are old enough to decide. For now, from what you say, you are their only protector, and you are not protecting them. They will hate her for being a horrible mother, but they will hate you for doing nothing to stop her.

If you can't move out, and can't bring the kids with you, contact AMEN as mentioned above and get advice.

clairefontaine

Did you report the assaults to the police? Do you have evidence?

IrishEyes19

Czarcasm wrote: »

By that same token IrishEyes, you haven't a clue what I do 99% of the time, and a lot of what I do IS dealing with chaotic home life situations and domestic violence, and I HAVE actually said the same to people, be they man or woman when I saw that they were leaving their children in danger while trying to extricate themselves from the situation. This is why I don't consider anything flippant about the OP's comments and why I suggested that they should be more wary of what they're actually saying. I'm not judging the OP at all either, we all have found ourselves in difficult circumstances, but his call for help while he knows his children are in a more vulnerable position at that immediate point in time, that's what I wanted the OP to think about. If his wife IS physically and mentally abusing his children, then THEY should be his priority and not himself.

Im not going to engage in an internet war, but he is online just like you are right now. He isnt hiding away from what is happening, he posted a desperate message for help but you write it as if he is constantly hiding away from responsibility, I would say get off the high horse and be constructive. Irks me so much when people assume.......

OP, as Ive said you need to consult legal advice right now. Not next week, immediately.

Big Bag of Chips

Come on, everyone - you're here long enough to know what is expected. This is an advice forum, where posters post looking for advice. Address your replies to them, with mature, constructive advice or opinion, or don't post.

Take any squabbles you may have to pm - wading through them is not what the poster wants to be doing when looking for advice.

macplato

OP, you are a parent.

You can't afford to play a victim any more. Your children can't afford for you to indulge in self-pity. They need you to step up and start protecting them. Seriously!

I know that you feel exhausted, disheartened and helpless; it's not an easy situation to be in, and it sure is difficult to get yourself out of it. But you're going to make it, it has to be done and so it will be. You have options, there are things you can do to support yourself in your situation. There are people and organisations out there, who dedicate their existence to helping people who find themselves in your situation. Reach out to them, let them advise and guide you. Focus all your energy on making your life a bit easier for yourself, so that you can survive all this with your integrity and sanity intact, and most of all - so you have enough energy to stand up for your kids, and look after them properly.

You have options. Your kids don't. They only have you. For goodness sake create some sense of normality and security for them, otherwise they will struggle through life in ways that will break your heart. If you don't feel you know how to go about this, if all you can see at the moment is your own pain and resentment, that's ok - get a crash course in maturity and responsibility in the form of counseling or therapy.

You can still be happy, OP. Start walking towards it and you will get there. Focus on enjoying as much of your life, and your time with your kids as you can. If your wife spoils for a fight, disengage. Take your kids for a walk or to the cinema. Talk to your children, ask them how they are feeling, ask them if they need anything from you. Assure them that you're doing everything you can to stabilise the situation for them. Don't play a victim, don't sulk in front of them, they need to feel that somebody is strong enough to take care of them. If you're feeling powerless and helpless as an adult, just imagine how they must be feeling.

Stay strong and get support. You'll get through this.

tyview

Gatling wrote: »

Op sorry to hear your going through this ,

But first start keeping a record of everything in a diary ,
Time's ,dates ,type of abuse towards you or your kids ,
This is extremely important ,and you will need this for future court dates ,
You need to get advice about getting a safety order then barring order to keep her away from you and importantly the kids ,
You need to be able to show she has a history of aggressive and abusive behavior ,
Don't be afraid to use record incidents on your phone too ,

If things get any worse get your kids and yourself to the nearest Garda station and request help in protecting your family ,

I would have to second the above. OP take a look at this http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders.html

I've been in a mentally abusive marriage and its certainly no fun. Get the ball rolling as soon as you can for your own sanity and that of your children. It will really mess with their heads hearing your wife speak to you like that.

Best of luck with it.

daisybelle2008

OP, I remember your other threads last year. At the time people recommended you contact social services. Did you?
If in your opinion she is still all those things you felt at that time (nasty, vindictive, spiteful and abusive to your children). IIRC you said she had always been like that, do you care about the impact this has on your children. I find it strange that you (both) continue to let your children witness this appalling dysfunction, knowingly for years.

beks101

All I could think about reading that post was how incredibly damaging this behaviour and abuse and verbal lashings is for your children OP.

Do you have any idea how badly all of this carry on will affect them? The physical abuse that you mention, hitting and punching, the hostile environment created by her behaviour, the bitching and negative comments about you - their father - all the time.

Can you begin to imagine how confusing and upsetting and damaging that could be to a young impressionable mind? If you leave it unchecked for much longer it will have a very real, life-long, irreversible impact on their mental health and world view and will be instrumental towards their happiness and self esteem years down the line.

THAT is what's urgent here. You are a grown man - as difficult as your wife's behaviour is to tolerate, you will get through this, with the help of your lawyer and impending separation. What about your kids, what about their escape?

I would strongly urge you to field all your energy and resources into getting them to a safe, secure environment and communicating with them every step of the way about what is going on and why it needs to happen. Don't ruin their lives any more than you both already have.

maria34

Boards is that wonderful place where you can go back on your older posts and read them.

What i discovered is that you wanted to leave your wife months ago! While still sitting there you talk about guns etc also. So why arent you leaving? Well i assume you love your kids :-) so why arent you doing anything???? Why you are sulking there how horrible she is to you and let her abuse your kids too? Stop playing a victim here , go to the guards and ask what to do!

Sorry got a bit annoyed here. As a parent you just have that responsibility.

Kashkai

Ok. You want the truth. I know that as a man, I'm going to be kicked out of my home. My kids will be left with her. I won't be there to protect them. I spend ALL my free time with my kids. I bring them for walks, out on their bikes, we go swimming , we go to the playground, we go to the cinema, we watch DVDs together, in other words, i do everything with my kids. She spends no time with them. She heads off for weekends away with her "special friend" as she tells the kids. Then they all turn to me asking who this friend is. My eldest asks if "mammy has a boyfriend?".

Their mother has abused them psychologically, emotionally and physically. I have stepped in and stopped her. If I leave, who will step in then? She has neglected them to the point of causing them pain and putting them in danger.

Don't you think I want to leave? Jesus I'd love nothing better than having her out of my life. I'd love to wake up in the morning knowing she wouldn't be there with her snide remarks. I'd love to go home in the evening without listening to more of her abuse. Why don't I walk? MY KIDS! Would you leave your kids with an abusive parent?

As for witnesses to the abuse, ask my kids. My eldest has talked to me about the night I stopped her mother pulling her round the house by the hair while punching and kicking her. Do I want to drag my kids into a courtroom? Of course I don't.

I have prevaricated about this so long as I foolishly thought I could at the least, co exist with her until the kids are grown up but I'm falling apart mentally as this goes on. No matter how much I do round the house and with the kids, she just never let's up.

Finally, to those who think I'm party to putting my kids in the middle of this, I've taken all her abuse without responding in kind as I will not have a screaming match in front of my kids. This morning, after if given my kids their breakfast and was on the process of washing the dishes, she flung a steak knife towards where I was standing at the sink, that flew past my face missing me by inches, it bounced off the tiles and into the sink hitting my hand. I didn't say anything in front of the kids even though I was shocked that this pointed, serrated edged knife missed my eye by inches.

So much hate, and spite in her.

buried

You are in a terrible spot OP, there is no doubting that. You are clearly trapped in psychological torment by a demented manipulative abuser, who seems to be totally aware that your fear and love for your kids will continue to keep you trapped in this vile situation. But after what you have said here this morning, you really need to take things into a new level with the actual authorities. That's near attempted murder, It is total psychopathic behaviour. Severe violence. Severe violence with a manipulative aim to provoke further severe violence. You need to contact the Gardai at once. Where do you think this behaviour will lead to? Please contact the authorities.

Also to note, It amazes me how so many posters will attempt to twist the blame back onto a man when it is a man who comes into this PI forum seeking advice. Sly digs, twisting words, twisting back the blame, shouts of 'playing the victim', now we even have a persons hobby getting sly digs - It is a total and utter disgrace. Not one of this crew would do that to a woman on here who would be suffering the same severe domestic abuse. It is so frequent and visible in here now and all from the same crew its nearly laughable if it wasn't so totally lame & pathetic. Shame on those who do it, you shouldn't be allowed to give advice a rock let alone another human being.

Czarcasm

Kashkai wrote: »

Ok. You want the truth. I know that as a man, I'm going to be kicked out of my home.

OP first of all, this is simply NOT TRUE. You will NOT be kicked out of your home because you are a man. In the link I posted earlier, the law is the same for either spouse that is the perpetrator of, or subjected to, domestic violence.

I had a look over your previous threads in various forums and this has gone on long enough. You need to act now. As for your wife running you down, or you running her down online, that needs to stop. If you turn this into a he said/she said, you'll lose. Stick to the facts when you make a record of all incidents. You need to give up all notions about prioritising a bricks and mortar prison over yours and your children's health and mental well being.

There are no winners going to come out of this so forget about getting one over on your wife or what you think she can take from you. You've already given up enough in terms of your dignity and self-respect, and now you're both responsible for robbing your children of their childhood the longer you let this continue.

Forget about the fcuking house, you can always get another one, but what you can't do is give your children back their childhood, and you yourself will take a lot longer to get back on your feet the longer you let this situation continue. Forget about trying to do what you think is best for the children by keeping them in a toxic environment. It's not.

Contact AMEN today and they will give you all the support and advice you need.

Doing nothing is the easy way out. You get to complain online and seek sympathy, but none of the hassle of dealing with the situation definitively. Believe me, abused kids would rather a day in court and an end to the abuse to a lifetime of fear at home with a crazy mother and a resentful ineffectual father who won't deal with the situation.

Get the social services and/or the guards involved, start doing things instead of talking about it. Talking about protecting your kids is easy, dealing with ending it will be hard. Only you can do it though.

I'm always very wary of one-sided stories where the teller refuses to act. If things are that bad for the kids, he knows what to do and talking about the house is one way of putting off doing it.

LegacyUser

OP, you need to speak to the guards and the social services as soon as possible.

Then as soon as she heads out change all the locks and pack up her things.

I'm sickened to think that she has any chance in remaining in the house with your children - why the hell should she when she is abusing them and you?! You need to step-up now and deal with this otherwise your children will have no faith in you whatsoever - YOU are their parent - YOU need to protect them. Trying to suck it up has gotten you nowhere! It's time to act.

macplato

Kashkai wrote: »

As for witnesses to the abuse, ask my kids. My eldest has talked to me about the night I stopped her mother pulling her round the house by the hair while punching and kicking her. Do I want to drag my kids into a courtroom? Of course I don't.

OP, having your child testify against their parent is never an ideal situation, but if this is the only option that will stop them from being further abused by that parent, then it has to be done. Which do you think will affect more badly: their self esteem, willingness to trust people, ability to form intimate relationships - testifying against an abusive parent or additional few years of living with the abusive parent?

Coping with your learned helplessness is difficult, I really know how hard it is to overcome this sens of being powerless you are feeling. But you have to start doing something, for yourself and for your children. If you can't work through your passivity and sense of victimhood alone - go to therapy. This is important! Do you want your children to end up struggling through life the same way as you do? You are modeling this behaviour for them, OP. This is serious stuff! Do you care enough for them to give them a better chance in life? Seriously, do you?

Meauldsegosha

Kashkai wrote: »

As for witnesses to the abuse, ask my kids. My eldest has talked to me about the night I stopped her mother pulling her round the house by the hair while punching and kicking her. Do I want to drag my kids into a courtroom? Of course I don't.

OP I feel for you. You and your children are in a horrific situation. But I have to question your logic when you think it is preferable for your children to be physically abused rather then have them testify in court. I just can't get my head around that fact.

Between this and your other threads you have got a lot of really good advice, have you acted on any of it. You mentioned mediation previously, did you to on it? I wonder is there something similar to Stockholm Syndrome going on here.

I can only add to the advice you have already got and urge you to contact social services/police etc.

Overheal

I'm missing something here,

If she is the one grabbing your kids by the hair and hitting them, and she is the one firing steak knives across the kitchen, why are you the one who is going to be kicked out?

Big Bag of Chips

I can tell you are worried about what is going to happen down the line. But what steps are you taking to at least TRY to sway decisions in your favour? You are already resigned to the fact that you are going to leave the house, and leave the kids with their mother? Why? Why not fight for the right to have full custody of them, in your own house? Then at least, even if the worst does happen and you do have to leave the kids and the house you will know that you tried and fought hard for what was right.

Have you contacted AMEN? If you do, take their advice. It seems like you are a passenger in your own life.. just being carried along and waiting for something to happen that will sort this for you one way or other. That will not happen. Well it MIGHT happen, but the solution will probably be not what you wanted... So YOU need to take responsibility.

You need to start taking action so that you can build your case. Go to the guards. Report incidents. Sitting back wishing she was different is doing nothing. She is not going to change. Things will never be different. So the only one who can make changes is YOU. It is difficult to get out of a situation like yours. If it wasn't there would be no need for domestic abuse services. I have often heard it say "It's easy to be brave for someone else". And in your case this is true. If you cannot sort this out for yourself.. think of your children.

P_1

OP you really need to start acting proactively here.

Get in touch with the Gards and social services each and every time your wife abuses your kids (IMO what you've described her actions as is abuse).

If you don't already have a solicitor get one ASAP.

Get in touch with AMEN.

Kashkai

Why don't I act? Simple, I've been to my Solicitor, told her the story, and she wants a down payment of €5000 before she takes the matter any further. I do not have €5000 to my name. I am not eligible for free legal aid and so I am struggling to get the money together. I have managed to get about half of it saved in the past three months. There is no one I could ask to assist with a loan.

Look, I'm not looking for sympathy. You can think that you're only hearing one side of the story. Think what you want. I started this thread looking for advice as to how to deal with her in the interim until I get the money together for my Solicitor. I cannot stand her constant abuse. I fear for my kids well being when I'm not there (she's left them in locked cars in dark underground car parks, left them alone in the house when she went off shopping, told my eldest to "be quiet" and left her suffering when she fell and broke her arm, she was in the house talking to her sister while some guy tried to entice my youngest into his car and only for my eldest screaming and causing this guy to drive off, who knows what would have happened?). Would you leave your kids with her???????

I just need a coping mechanism until I can get this into court. I know my children come first and I do not want them growing up in this toxic atmosphere. Leaving isn't an option as I would fear for their well being.

P_1

Kashkai wrote: »

Why don't I act? Simple, I've been to my Solicitor, told her the story, and she wants a down payment of €5000 before she takes the matter any further. I do not have €5000 to my name. I am not eligible for free legal aid and so I am struggling to get the money together. I have managed to get about half of it saved in the past three months. There is no one I could ask to assist with a loan.

Look, I'm not looking for sympathy. You can think that you're only hearing one side of the story. Think what you want. I started this thread looking for advice as to how to deal with her in the interim until I get the money together for my Solicitor. I cannot stand her constant abuse. I fear for my kids well being when I'm not there (she's left them in locked cars in dark underground car parks, left them alone in the house when she went off shopping, told my eldest to "be quiet" and left her suffering when she fell and broke her arm, she was in the house talking to her sister while some guy tried to entice my youngest into his car and only for my eldest screaming and causing this guy to drive off, who knows what would have happened?). Would you leave your kids with her???????

I just need a coping mechanism until I can get this into court. I know my children come first and I do not want them growing up in this toxic atmosphere. Leaving isn't an option as I would fear for their well being.

Have you spoken to other solicitors? Is there a possibility of finding one who won't ask for such a large initial down payment?

clairefontaine

Overheal wrote: »

I'm missing something here,

If she is the one grabbing your kids by the hair and hitting them, and she is the one firing steak knives across the kitchen, why are you the one who is going to be kicked out?

This is a game of Mexican stand off. Whomever gets down to family court and gets the restraining order first wins.

Don't go to a solicitor OP, go down to the courts and file.

Big Bag of Chips

Is leaving and bringing your children with you an option?

Is going to a different solicitor an option?

Is walking into a Garda station and speaking to someone an option?

Have you contacted AMEN?

It's not easy OP, but loads and loads and loads of advice and suggestions have been made to you here, and you just keep coming back with more problems, and more examples of how awful your wife is.

We can all appreciate how difficult it is to drag yourself out of a domestic abuse situation. But there are practical, small steps you can be taking.

Tokyo

Kashkai wrote: »

Why don't I act? Simple, I've been to my Solicitor, told her the story, and she wants a down payment of €5000 before she takes the matter any further. I do not have €5000 to my name. I am not eligible for free legal aid and so I am struggling to get the money together. I have managed to get about half of it saved in the past three months. There is no one I could ask to assist with a loan.

Start shopping around for another solicitor immediately.

Look, I'm not looking for sympathy. You can think that you're only hearing one side of the story. Think what you want. I started this thread looking for advice as to how to deal with her in the interim until I get the money together for my Solicitor. I cannot stand her constant abuse. I fear for my kids well being when I'm not there (she's left them in locked cars in dark underground car parks, left them alone in the house when she went off shopping, told my eldest to "be quiet" and left her suffering when she fell and broke her arm, she was in the house talking to her sister while some guy tried to entice my youngest into his car and only for my eldest screaming and causing this guy to drive off, who knows what would have happened?). Would you leave your kids with her???????

It's not a case of being sympathetic, or harsh, or whatever. But the nature of your posts seems to indicate that you are treating this as an wnwinnable situation. Nobody is doubting that it is difficult, and personally I can't even imagine what it would be like to be in that situation myself. But something needs to change.

Your separation is inevitable, from everything I have read, so like it or not, you are going to have to fork out for a solicitor. So arrangements need to be made for that. Unfortunately going to the gardai with a list of things that *may* have constituted abuse in the past is a hard one, because now it's at the stage of it being your word against hers, unless the children speak up, and may look like you are just trying to build a case for yourself in the up and coming separation. Also, some of the things you describe wouldn't constitute "abuse" - lousy parenting maybe, but not abuse.

I just need a coping mechanism until I can get this into court. I know my children come first and I do not want them growing up in this toxic atmosphere. Leaving isn't an option as I would fear for their well being.

Honestly, you need to speak to professionals at this stage. The advice here is sound, but you are getting into areas here that we (well, me at least) are really not qualified to give you definitive advice on. Definitely contact AMEN as soon as possible - they will have seen your situation many times before, explain to them that you are concerned about the welfare of your children, and will be able to give you their recommended course of action - how to report said abuse, how to get it recorded, etc etc. They will also be able to give you some support, in what I imagine is a very lonely situation for you.

And get a solicitor, ASAP. Borrow if you have to, and get the ball rolling as soon as you can.

macplato

OP, have you reported the abuse? You don't need a solicitor to do this.

If she is really as abusive as you are relating here, then she needs to be taken out of these children's lives. Judging by the way you are behaving, it seems that you don't think the abuse is that serious... And if you think it is, then why aren't you protecting your children, by at least attempting to remove her from their lives? You've been complaining about this for months, why haven't you reported the abuse yet?

It will be much easier for you to get custody of your children if there is a proven track record of the abuse.

maria34

OP why you havent talked to the guards yet. Why u cant go tonight, they are there in station 24/7 and dont want a penny! You may get good advice how to record evidence for example.

maria34

Oo ya and stop complaining about her, we know shes horrible by now.she wont change, you know it. So no point of repeating how abusive she is if you dont report it.

tinkerbell

OP, it costs you nothing to go to the nearest garda station and report your wife for abuse and get a barring order against her. Stop making excuses for why you can't get her out of the house. They are not gonna let her have custody of the kids when she is abusive.

Right now, you need to think of your children, nothing else - your children's safety is at serious risk here. You need to do everything in your power to protect them.

Neyite

OP, in a nutshell, there is nothing you can do to minimise the behaviour of an abuser. Thousands, millions of women and men have tried and failed in the past to contain the behaviour, to protect the kids, to tip-toe around an abusive spouse.

It never, ever works.

What WILL work in your favour is a paper trail documenting the violence. Statements to the Gardai, meeting with Amen, speaking to social workers about child protection issues. Nice and quietly, mind.

Then, WHEN you get to court, with your expensive solicitor, you have enough support from professionals to have a favourable outcome for you and your children.

And yes, you will be inundated once the gardai and social services get wind of a child protection issue. But you have nothing to fear, and nothing to hide. Blow this situation wide open and expose her for what she is. Let these people do their job for you and your children.

And with the professionals sniffing around, you might find that your wife's cough will have softened - right now she is working from the position of thinking that she can treat you how she likes and you will take it, that 'the woman gets the house and the kids'. She will rein in her abuse if she is being investigated, be on her best behaviour.

Thats why its important to document incidents with as much detail as you can now while she is volatile - starting with the knife today - I suggest emailing yourself to a new account specifically for this issue and one that she does will not have access to, Write down each incident, each day, while its fresh in your mind. Ditto for any photos of damage she does around the house. Go back through your posts here and backdate a timeline for yourself and save it there too. When you start getting asked questions, you will be very glad you have that to aid your memory. then, go to the professionals as I described above.

Best of luck to you. I've been in a volatile relationship, thankfully without kids, and I know how hard it is to see through the fog. But you'll get there.