Boyfriend always borrowing money

tasmb

So me and my boyfriend have been together for three years and in those three years we've helped each other out financially, when I wasn't working for a year he helped me.
But I've been working now for two years, he's still on the dole. He lives out on his own and in fairness has a lot more bills to pay and less money then me, he throws this in my face regularly "you're lucky to have a job" and "you've a lot less rent to pay than me" So I concede to this and give into his constant (once every week or two weeks) requests for money loans, sometimes the loans are just €20 for food, other times it's as much as €150 when he hasn't budgeted well enough to pay his rent because he's blown his money on airsoft parts, xbox games or takeaways. Usually he pays me back on time, and there have been times when I've let a tenner go here and there, but because he's borrowing so often I feel I'm always without. Then when I say no or get angry if he can't give it back he puts me on this horrible guilt trip, basically making me out to be selfish for wanting to spend my own money.

I feel like I'm dealing with a selfish teenage boy.
Should I feel guilty for wanting to spend my money that I work hard for instead of using it to constantly bail out my boyfriend who's been on the dole for three years and has frankly made no effort to look for a job, budget or trim his selfish ways.
He says I'm lucky to have this money.. but am I. I never get to spend it guilt free because he has me feeling I owe it to him.

I don't mind helping him out every now and then but I just feel like I'm being taken for a free ride.

The issue this week, I lent him €60 on the condition I would receive it on thursday, so I call him up on friday and ask if he can give me that money. Then he tells me that he doesn't have it and wont have it till monday because he's gone and spent it on a €70 airsoft part. The money I had given him to help with his rent. He did this because he thought he wouldn't see me this weekend.
And I feel irregardless of that if you take money off someone and promise it by a certain date you should make an effort to return it to them by then.

So this weekend, I've had to cancel my plans. Put off a hair appointment and will probably end up having to borrow money myself of somebody because I've been left without the money I depended on getting back.

I'm at my whits end.. I don't think he sees or understands what he's doing how this money business is putting such a strain on our relationship. I really wish he would listen to me and maybe grow up a little. I wish I had it in me not to give him the money but then he gives me the "oh but I'll have no food to eat, no rent to give.." excuses and I feel horrible. But I think he's used this grace too many times now.

How do I tell him it's the end of this borrowing scheme?

I really love him he's a great guy, but jesus he needs to grow up.

Big Bag of Chips

"I don't have it this week".

Trust me, he won't starve. If he really needs it, he'll borrow it from someone else, and you can be sure he'll pay them back. Or he'll learn how to budget better.

Czarcasm

tasmb wrote: »

How do I tell him it's the end of this borrowing scheme?

I need to know.. because I'm really just losing all energy, desire and fulfilment in
this relationship.

I really love him he's a great guy, but jesus he needs to grow up.

As long as you keep enabling him by being his walking wallet, he has no motivation to change. His selfishness takes priority over how you feel apparently. What sort of relationship is that when he avoids you to avoid having to keep to his commitment to pay you back what he owes you. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship when you're behaving more like your boyfriends mother? Cut the umbilical cord of constantly lending him money, toughen up and say "no", don't buy into his manipulative guilt trips... and then see how long you remain his girlfriend.

Here's a hint: You're only his girlfriend while you're useful to him. Cut off the lends and it'll take the sheen off this "great guy" very quickly when he's forced to grow up.

homemadecider

Stop giving him money. It's that simple.

Tokyo

tasmb wrote: »

I lent him €60 on the condition I would receive it on thursday, so I call him up on friday and ask if he can give me that money. Then he tells me that he doesn't have it and wont have it till monday because he's gone and spent it on a €70 airsoft part.

It's not a case of him having more bills than you and less money anymore, or not being able to survive without your support - he's using *your* money to buy the toys that he wants. There's a big difference. Had he put the money towards food or rent, fair enough, but the fact that he can afford to live, AND spend €70 a pop on airsoft parts says that he is living beyond his means, entirely at your expense.

I wouldn't even sidestep the issue. I'd tell him that I wasn't lending him any more money. And I'd tell him exactly why. Sounds like he needs the wake-up call.

I think you need to adjust your perception of his problems OP. You aren't funding his life, you're funding his lifestyle.

Urgent loans for essentials are one thing, loans for his hobbies are quite another and it's insanely cheeky of him to even ask, and downright manipulative of him to make you feel guilty for being paid after a weeks work. You earned that money, and he didn't.

MugMugs

I'm sure you see the good in him op. He's your partner after all. From the outside looking in though he is coming across very badly. He's bumming off you and you're constantly letting him.

Firstly, is this an indication of what your life with him will be like?

Secondly, you clearly can't afford to be subbing his lifestyle. If he's unable to budget then that's his problem. Helping him out now and again isn't a bad thing however it seems that he has become expectant that you'll assist him.

I'd be cutting the chord op and seriously considering what I want in my life and if I'd want him to be apart of it

tasmb

Thanks everybody for your responses, I've had a chat with him and we've agreed to keep finances totally seperate he's abused a good grace I've given.

We do have a great time together, and get on so well when we're not arguing over money so I've told him this is the last time.

I'm sure without my help he'll learn to budget on his own. I hope he does. I'm doing it for his own good. It'll be hard to stand back and watch him strapped for cash but I can't enable him to not be self sufficient.

kylith

"If you have money to buy Airsoft parts you have money to pay your bills."

LegacyUser

I have to be honest I think this man is happy to be your boyfriend because your funding his lifestyle.
You will be there to give him money for food/bills but meanwhile he has money to spend on airsoft part/x-box games ect.
He then gets thick when you tell him you can't give him money but mean while he is making no effort to get a job or cut back on his spending. At this stage I am sure he has no savings either.

The reality is most people have to live on a budget. I am on the dole myself so I know it is not easy live on it. After Christmas in the sales I bought presents to give family/friends during the year as I got things for 40 to 70% off. During Jan I got non perishable items on sale and paid off a few bills.
I am working on a budget for the next few months so I can afford things later in the year and to build up my savings again.
Along with this I am looking for work and sending off cv's.

LegacyUser

If he is using money from you to fund lifestyle choices/fun activities, then he's taking the piss and bleeding you for cash.

I'd be incredibly wary about this OP - repeated behaviour like this is not a good indicator for the future IMHO. I'd be very reluctant to hook myself up with someone as immature & selfish as he seems to be.