Cant get comments from ex out of my head

LegacyUser

Me and my ex broke up a few months ago. It wasnt working out, he was treating me like a fúck buddy to be honest, it wasnt a relationship for the last while. He kept pushing me to do stuff i didnt want to aswell getting increasingly frustrated when i kept saying no. I had enough and we broke up.

Anyway, we had no contact until three months ago. He rang me drunk and abused me. He insulted every part of me and i told me ill die alone and that no one will ever want to be with me because im so fat and ugly, i will only be a pity fúck to people.

I cried for weeks because of it, it really got to me because im so down about how i look. I did go on a few dates but even on those dates i couldnt get his comments out of my head. A few of them have just lead to sex and no follow up dates. The latest date i ended up back in his house and had sex with him. I just see myself being like this. I feel like my ex is right that maybe i will die alone.

Im driving myself crazy at the moment.

alias06

First thing make sure you have blocked your ex out in every way possible. Get him blocked from your phone so he can't do that to you again. He's obviously toxic. And probably projecting how he feels about himself onto you.

Its good that you are going on dates again. Going on dates makes us feel desirable. Its exciting. It can be fun. But don't sleep with guys on the first date. As I guy on the dating scene I wouldn't ever expect it on the first date. Wait until a guy has at least put in a bit of effort to show he cares about you.

Is there anything else you can do that would make you feel new again and give your confidence a lift? A change in hairstyle perhaps? Sometimes a small make over can give us new life.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Your mother or sister or friend?

macplato

OP, there is a reason why his nasty words affected you this much - unfortunately, on some level you believe him. Have you heard the green hair example? If someone came over to you and said that your green hair is hideous, what would you do? You'd give them a surprise look and tell them "you're insane, my hair isn't green!". You'd be a bit amused by their comment, but you'd forget it pretty quickly.

The reason you are in so much pain is because you don't value yourself, your self-esteem is very low and so you have a tendency to believe other people's evaluation of you - even if what they tell you about you are complete lies.

If you are still driving yourself crazy about it all those months later, I strongly suggest counseling - if you find a good counselor, he or she will give you some tools to work on your self-esteem. It doesn't have to be long-term counseling, maybe even a few sessions will do, but I really think it would be a good idea for you to get some help with it.

And as alias06 said - make sure you block your ex from all communication, he is an utterly toxic person who should not be entertained by you in any way.

R.D. aka MR.D

well the first thing is congratulations for getting that loser out of your life. As the other poster said, make sure you block him.

Your whole post makes it seem like you need to work on your self esteem.

One night stands are a killer for confidence for a lot of people so maybe you should come up with a rule for yourself 5dates/2months/until you are sure he's really interested.

you are a valuable person worthy of love. I really believe that to be truly happy you need to be happy within yourself and no measure that happiness through external things.

Tokyo

exwontleavemyhead wrote: »

Me and my ex broke up a few months ago. It wasnt working out, he was treating me like a fúck buddy to be honest, it wasnt a relationship for the last while. He kept pushing me to do stuff i didnt want to aswell getting increasingly frustrated when i kept saying no. I had enough and we broke up.

Anyway, we had no contact until three months ago. He rang me drunk and abused me. He insulted every part of me and i told me ill die alone and that no one will ever want to be with me because im so fat and ugly, i will only be a pity fúck to people.

I cried for weeks because of it, it really got to me because im so down about how i look. I did go on a few dates but even on those dates i couldnt get his comments out of my head. A few of them have just lead to sex and no follow up dates. The latest date i ended up back in his house and had sex with him. I just see myself being like this. I feel like my ex is right that maybe i will die alone.

Im driving myself crazy at the moment.

Why are you driving yourself crazy? You are the one getting out there, meeting new people, going on dates and generally getting on with your life. He's the one getting drunk alone in the pub, hurling abuse down the phone when he can't contain himself anymore.

Which one of those two people do you see spending their lives alone?

At most, the only emotion that you should be putting out because of this guy is pity. I know people exactly like him - glitter of being single and on the market again wore off after a couple of weeks and he realised what he had lost with you, and rather than looking at his own behaviour and learning from it, he blames you completely, because that's the only thing he knows how to do.

I wouldn't waste another minute putting yourself down over his comments. Delete his number, take a moment to pity the guy because really, that's all he deserves, and move on with your life as you have been doing.

Big Bag of Chips

Your only mistake was not hanging up on him when he started ranting.

Why do you think he rang you out of the blue simply to abuse you? Because you finished with him. You hurt his pride and the thoughts of you out there, getting on with your life without him, annoyed the hell out of him.... Even a few months later.

If he was happy in his life and really couldn't care less about you or your life he wouldn't have felt the need to contact you.

So rather than believe all the bad stuff he said, think of the reasons behind him saying it... He's jealous of you dumping him and getting on with your life. And rather than just forget about you, he wanted to make sure he dragged you down to his level of misery.

Now, you can let him drag you down there. Or you can think "fk him... I was SO right to finish it".

It no doubt was hurtful to hear those things, and it's easy for us to sit on the outside and tell you you shouldn't let it affect you. But it is absolutely normal to be affected by it.. but the next step is to convince yourself that he is in fact the unhappy, miserable one, who if he doesn't move on from you finishing with him pretty soon, will end up miserable and alone.

Nobody wants to date someone that vile, and nobody wants to date someone still hung up on their ex.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you for your comments. I have him blocked from my phone, from facebook and from here, (currently going unreg).

Im working on self esteem issues with my counsellor at the moment. I do have low self esteem, especially after that phone call.

I think i need to work on it seriously with them and help me get over it.

I kinda threw myself back into the dating scene a few weeks after we broke up, im thinking of stopping it soon until i fix myself if you get me.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm guessing your ex knew exactly about your self-esteem issues and that is why he made such a vile telephone call - to make himself feel better, by hurting someone else... what a hero :rolleyes:

Honestly OP, in a funny way you should take this as a bit of a compliment - you were still bothering him. You were still in his head. He might have even heard you were out with someone, and was jealous that you were doing so well without him. He thought he could treat you as he liked, for as long as was convenient to him, and you'd be grateful. You showed him you were worth more than him, and that you were perfectly capable of having a life without him in it... and he didn't like it.

THAT'S why he made that call.

xzanti

You got a lucky lucky escape.. had you stayed with him you would have been subjected to that sort of dehumanising treatment eventually one way or the other.. nothing to do with you finishing with him.. he's a control freak with an abusive nature imo!

I've had experience with his type.. only I wasn't lucky enough to get out as early as you did.. it ended in a barring order and a lot of stalking and abuse.

It is very easy to allow someone to get into your head like that.. I know in my heart that there's nothing wrong with me.. but at the time I allowed his words to get to me.

Now I see that he was just paranoid and insecure so he wanted to break me down to his level.

Normal people don't say or do things like that.

He actually once said to me "You will never get me out of your head.. no matter what you do or where you go.. I'll always be there" and for a long time he was right.

Now I actually pity him more than anything.

Anyway.. bottom line is.. there is NOTHING wrong with you.. you don't need "a new hairstyle" or anything else!! You are perfect as you are.. I can assure you!! Without even knowing you! Don't let him take away your spark!! that's what he wants.

Neyite

Have you heard about emotional abuse OP? Its a form of domestic abuse.

Here is an extract from that website I linked:

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.

Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.

Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

The reason he made you feel so low about yourself is so he could control you and manipulate you - trying to get you to do things that you didnt want to do. You got out of that situation but its left its mark on your self esteem, which you now need to work on a little. He is trying to make you think that he is your only alternative to a life as a lonely cat lady. Dont believe him - you have been out on dates, men have found you attractive, so he is telling you lies here, you just need to believe thats all that they are.

I would suggest some counselling - leave aside dating for the moment, concentrate on building a nicer, kinder life for you - talk to a counsellor, make new friends, build a social life, and when you are ready, date again, but this time, make sure you are the one wondering if they might be good enough for you, not the other way around.

rere

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Honestly OP, in a funny way you should take this as a bit of a compliment - you were still bothering him. You were still in his head. He might have even heard you were out with someone, and was jealous that you were doing so well without him. He thought he could treat you as he liked, for as long as was convenient to him, and you'd be grateful. You showed him you were worth more than him, and that you were perfectly capable of having a life without him in it... and he didn't like it.

THAT'S why he made that call.

Couldn't agree with this more.
No contract for 3 months and he suddenly calls??
He's not over you and is annoyed that it looks like you're over him.
He acting like a kid throwing a tantrum because someone might be taking something that he thinks belongs to him.

You are well and truly better off without him.

Katgurl

something sparked that call OP, either he is having a $hit time or he heard you were out dating and enjoying the single life.

He is a horrible horrible person. How dare he speak to you like that? Please try to remember, these are his problems, not yours. Think for a second if you objectively thought a person was unattractive (any person). Would you feel the need to tell them? No, of course not. This has nothing to do with him thinking you are unattractive, this is about him wanting to hurt you. He's the loser here, obsessing, dwelling, acting like a bully. Fair play to you for cutting him out.

For the record - I don't think it's surprising his words cut you. I remember an ex of mine called me fat on gmail chat after I broke up with him. I knew he was just being spiteful but it really stung.

Sponge25

If you're a nice girl it doesn't really matter too much how you look. Just take care of yourself. Alot of attractive girls think they're ugly even extremely attractive girls.