Unmotivated friend

retro:electro

Hello all,

I am A 26 yr old female and I am currently back in college as a mature student. I also work most weekends during the evenings. My problem is that my friend, who I have known since I was 12, is starting to bug me a lot lately.

I understand I may come off selfish in this post and I feel guilty for even writing this, however, she has been annoying me a lot lately. She is a year younger than me (25) and still lives at home, has no job and doesn't seem too bothered about doing anything with her life any time soon. Her mother literally does everything for her (cooking, washing, cleaning, the works) She was sick recently and I asked her if she would like to meet up for coffee and her response was her mam wont let her cos she isn't fully better! I was astonished! I mean, at 25 years old you are still looking for your mothers permission to go out!

Recently she has been asking me to meet at hours when she knows I am in college or working and I cant meet, and then she gets annoyed and starts sulking. She quit her job a year ago and doesn't seem to have any plans to get one any time soon. She also sleeps for most of the day. one time I text her at 4pm and she told me she was only just awake! I mean how can someone be so unmotivated and lazy? Am I bad for feeling this was about her? Sometimes I get thinking about how she is living her life and I get so angry inside, I don't even know why as its not even any of my business what she does.

She makes up lies a lot too like before Christmas she was telling me how she was moving to Dublin to her cousin and when I asked her cousin about this recently she didn't know what I was talking about. This is just one example of how much she lies.

I am at the end of my tether with it all.

CaraMay

What do you want advice on?

retro:electro

CaraMay wrote: »

What do you want advice on?

Oh sorry I should have made that more clear.
I guess just to know whether or not I am being unreasonable in feeling this way towards her. I have tried helping her get into doing a course or something but she wasn't interested. All she wants to do is go out and get drunk and with college work and my job I can't be doing that every weekend.
I don't know whether I should have a talk with her because I don't know if I am being selfish about the whole thing! Basically I am very confused.

road_high

I think your friend may actually be depressed and is embarrassed to hide it from you. Hence the sleeping in, lack of motivation etc

MagicMarker

To put it bluntly OP, it's none of your business.

retro:electro

MagicMarker wrote: »

To put it bluntly OP, it's none of your business.

I had a feeling I would get a reply like this. Thanks all the same

Tokyo

OP, it's hard to give you a response, because you don't really explain what it is you are looking for help with. The tome of your initial post is very negative and judgmental, and honestly isn't the tone of somebody who is looking to help a friend.

IF you post more specifically what you feel the actual issue is, and what you would like to do to try and resolve it, I'm sure that we would be happy to offer whatever advice we can,

retro:electro

I don't mean it to come across judgemental, I am just trying my best to give examples of why I would be frustrated with her. She is my friend and I want the best for her, which is why I have tried helping her out. I realise it's none of my business but it has been on my mind a lot lately so I said I would come here in the hope that I would get some feedback.

I guess what I was looking for is to know whether or not I am being unreasonable in feeling anger/frustration towards her, from the responses I have gotten so far I take it that I am, so I will leave it at that.

Thanks for your response.

Tokyo

I think that as a friend, you have done as much as you can. You have spoken to her about it, tried to assist her in getting into a course, but she's not interested. Ultimately it's her life, and although you may not agree with it, if she wants to stay in bed all day than that's up to her. All you can really do is hope that either she sees sense, or her mother gets tired of it and gives her a shove in the right direction. You have the right to be frustrated at her for how she interacts with you, sure, but how she lives her life... that's for her to figure out.

December2012

It's not really anything to do with you though is it?

Like if she isn't coming out because her mam says she shouldn't, or if her folks clean up after her, it's none of your business.

You should not be getting frustrated at her.

Merkin

Unless this girl's lifestyle choices are directly effecting your quality of life then I really don't see how it's any of your business tbh.

retro:electro

Merkin wrote: »

Unless this girl's lifestyle choices are directly effecting your quality of life then I really don't see how it's any of your business tbh.

They don't have to effect my quality of life to have serious issues and concerns about her and to want to have a talk with her.

retro:electro

mike_ie wrote: »

I think that as a friend, you have done as much as you can. You have spoken to her about it, tried to assist her in getting into a course, but she's not interested. Ultimately it's her life, and although you may not agree with it, if she wants to stay in bed all day than that's up to her. All you can really do is hope that either she sees sense, or her mother gets tired of it and gives her a shove in the right direction. You have the right to be frustrated at her for how she interacts with you, sure, but how she lives her life... that's for her to figure out.

Great response thank you, I appreciate it!

Merkin

anna080 wrote: »

They don't have to effect my quality of life to have serious issues and concerns about her and to want to have a talk with her.

But you said that they are causing you anger and frustration?

retro:electro

Merkin wrote: »

But you said that they are causing you anger and frustration?

Making me frustrated yes, effecting my quality of life, no.

Engine No.9

Hi OP, I'm gonna tell you my story and hopefully you can apply some of it back on your friend because, to me, she sounds a little like I was and still am to some extent

Almost 3 yrs ago I lost my job, I was in a relationship where I was made to feel like going to work was a bad thing coz I was away from the missus and the kids, so I always felt under pressure to be at home. I was taking time off like there was no tomorrow because my showing up at work always led to arguments coz while I was tellin her I had to go to work she was saying why can't you just say something nice and considerate instead of fúck you, I've got work to go to. Eventually we broke up. After I lost my job.

Since we "properly" broke up, it wasn't "official" until about 8 months after, long story, no baring here so won'y go into that, I finally gained my "freedom". But I was lost. I spent days on end in my house just wondering where I was going and how I was going to be a positive influence on my kids. I decide to go back to college. She got sick and I was right back where I started coz the kids needed lookin after and I still had no idea, that even though I had decided to do something with my life, where my life was going.

I became very depressed. It was never diagnosed or anything but I'm generally a positive person and I wasn't feeling the love anymore. Everybody and everything was out to get me but me being me, I decided I wasn't going to let anybody see this, because to me that's a sign of weakness and I couldn't be weak because I'd only end up doing something I'd regret which would have repercussions on others.

So I decided to give college another go. I loved it for the few weeks I was there in 2012. 2013 was a completely different story. Same course, same tutors, same classes etc but I just couldn't find the energy to enjoy myself while I was there. Now I'm a big fella and I know my weight has been an issue for me for the last few years. Always has been if I'm honest, but it never affected me as such. My newly found sedentary lifestyle has made me realise just how big I actually am and now I'm taking steps to address that issue.

So again at the same point as I've found myself a few times previously, I had a kind of a moment of clarity. I'm currently in the middle of setting up my own business and nothing is going to stop me making a success of it.

Bottom line, the girl may have issues that neither you nor anybody else knows about. I'm an open person with all my friends and they all know everything about me except the things I choose not to share with them and they're none the wiser about it. I'm here 2 and a half years after the end of a failed 10 year relationship and almost 3 years since I lost my last job and thing have never looked rosier. Give her time. Maybe that's all she needs. She'll find out very soon when you and all of her friends are moving on that the life she leads isn't the life she wants to lead. Be there for her and assure her that if there is anything she might want to talk about... anything... You're there for her. You can't bare the burden of her issues though. If she needs help, help her.

I know that my story may not seem like it has any baring on you and your friends problem, but I didn't think it pertinent to offer advice without giving a background of where I'm coming from. Hope this helps.

retro:electro

pajopearl wrote: »

Hi OP, I'm gonna tell you my story and hopefully you can apply some of it back on your friend because, to me, she sounds a little like I was and still am to some extent

Almost 3 yrs ago I lost my job, I was in a relationship where I was made to feel like going to work was a bad thing coz I was away from the missus and the kids, so I always felt under pressure to be at home. I was taking time off like there was no tomorrow because my showing up at work always led to arguments coz while I was tellin her I had to go to work she was saying why can't you just say something nice and considerate instead of fúck you, I've got work to go to. Eventually we broke up. After I lost my job.

Since we "properly" broke up, it wasn't "official" until about 8 months after, long story, no baring here so won'y go into that, I finally gained my "freedom". But I was lost. I spent days on end in my house just wondering where I was going and how I was going to be a positive influence on my kids. I decide to go back to college. She got sick and I was right back where I started coz the kids needed lookin after and I still had no idea, that even though I had decided to do something with my life, where my life was going.

I became very depressed. It was never diagnosed or anything but I'm generally a positive person and I wasn't feeling the love anymore. Everybody and everything was out to get me but me being me, I decided I wasn't going to let anybody see this, because to me that's a sign of weakness and I couldn't be weak because I'd only end up doing something I'd regret which would have repercussions on others.

So I decided to give college another go. I loved it for the few weeks I was there in 2012. 2013 was a completely different story. Same course, same tutors, same classes etc but I just couldn't find the energy to enjoy myself while I was there. Now I'm a big fella and I know my weight has been an issue for me for the last few years. Always has been if I'm honest, but it never affected me as such. My newly found sedentary lifestyle has made me realise just how big I actually am and now I'm taking steps to address that issue.

So again at the same point as I've found myself a few times previously, I had a kind of a moment of clarity. I'm currently in the middle of setting up my own business and nothing is going to stop me making a success of it.

Bottom line, the girl may have issues that neither you nor anybody else knows about. I'm an open person with all my friends and they all know everything about me except the things I choose not to share with them and they're none the wiser about it. I'm here 2 and a half years after the end of a failed 10 year relationship and almost 3 years since I lost my last job and thing have never looked rosier. Give her time. Maybe that's all she needs. She'll find out very soon when you and all of her friends are moving on that the life she leads isn't the life she wants to lead. Be there for her and assure her that if there is anything she might want to talk about... anything... You're there for her. You can't bare the burden of her issues though. If she needs help, help her.

I know that my story may not seem like it has any baring on you and your friends problem, but I didn't think it pertinent to offer advice without giving a background of where I'm coming from. Hope this helps.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such an eloquent lengthy response. You have opened my eyes a lot. I have no doubt that she has underlying issues, and maybe that is in part adding to my frustration as I wish she would just open up to me, but I would never provoke her into telling me anything, all I can do is reassure her that I am here for her.

I tried to be as honest as I could be in this post, hence why I may have come across as a bit insensitive towards her and I have always been aware that my feelings towards the situation are somewhat selfish. Once again thank you for your response, hopefully she is just going through a rough patch.

freshpopcorn

Used she get moody/annoyed with you before when you were busy at college/work or is it only now that she has no job?

Is there any family issues your UN aware of?

She probably made up the lie about working and staying at her cousins just to get you off her back.

She might just not be motivated ad you. I know people like her and there happy out with their lives.

retro:electro

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Used she get moody/annoyed with you before when you were busy at college/work or is it only now that she has no job?

Is there any family issues your UN aware of?

She probably made up the lie about working and staying at her cousins just to get you off her back.

She might just not be motivated ad you. I know people like her and there happy out with their lives.

I am never on her back about anything, the only reason I suggested the course to her was because she was on about being bored at home. Other than that I never say anything to her. I was unemployed myself a few years ago and was stuck in a rut, so I know exactly what it can be like.

I'm only in my first year of college and before that she had a job so we would only see each other at weekends.

IrishEyes19

Wow, people are being really harsh on you. I think, OP, you have just reached your course with her. friendships change all the time, people dont connect forever. you dont have to feel bad for feeling this way, but you have to accept, its her life, not yours.

StickyIcky

You could try going round to her place, sitting on her bed and having a heart to heart. Ask her about her and listen. Do not under any circumstances talk about your feelings thoughts or opinions or you'll risk her closing up. Maybe if she felt like you were there solely to support her and help her in whatever it is she really wants to do, even lying in bed all day, she might open up to you. But you've gotta completely drop the wall which is your negativity and opinions. Hard I know, cus when I read your post it reminded me for people I know like that and how I want to slap them :-) anyway hush yourself, listen, support, don't have any opinion, just support. See if that works. That's my best advice. That or give up and concentrate on yourself and find a new motivated friend :-)

Stavro Mueller

If you feel you need to talk to your friend, you'd want to be very careful how you go about it. It's one thing to give advice if she asks for it. Quite another to take her to one side and tell her a few home truths. Especially when you're feeling so strongly about it. Having to pull an adult up on the way they're doing something is a bit of a skill in itself and that line between being tactful and being insulting is a fine one.

At this stage both your lives are going in very opposite directions. You're very motivated and determined to make something of your life. She's drifting along and perhaps feels a bit intimidated by the new mature student, hard-working you. Maybe that's why she's making up those lies?

If you feel you need to say something, then do but do it gently. She knows on some level that she's not living her life as well as she can but coming at her with a tone like what you used here will backfire. Try encouragement rather than knocking her for how things are now. Paint a brighter future for her (You know, if you did this course you'd get to do x") and see how that goes.

Ultimately though, you are not the girl's keeper. She's a grown woman of 25 years of age and is responsible for her own life. the other way of looking at things is that the friendship may have run its course and that a drift has started. You may now be a very different person to the one you were even two years ago

retro:electro

Just read my original post back, apologies if the tone came across bitchy and judgemental, I was doing my best to give examples and may have gotten a bit carried away!

Thanks very much for all the replies.

Stavro Mueller

Hey...it doesn't matter if you vent here. Better to do that to random strangers on the internet than to your friend

retro:electro

Okay I have to update this post as since yesterday my friend and I have been bickering a bit. It is her birthday on Thursday and mine on Sunday and we had decided to go out on Saturday night and celebrate them. She text me today and said our other friend can no longer go out on the Saturday now as she is going to a play with her mother, and she said out party is now moved to Sunday in her house.

I am so annoyed at this because my boyfriend works Thurs-Sun in Dublin and is home Sunday evening and we had planned to go for dinner and celebrate both valentines day and my birthday. I told her this plan and said so what if her friend cant come on Saturday, it shouldn't matter and that we would still have a good night. her reply to that was that she doesn't want to do two nights in a row and only wants to do Sunday now. I told her its a pity she didn't consult me before making plans about our birthdays without me and because of my boyfriend being home and college Monday morning I wont be able to go.

I am so upset about this as she has made me feel like I am not worth spending time with. It may seem like a trivial and childish problem to some and its not the end of the world I know, but it is the principle of it that has hurt me the most. I haven't been out since early December and I was sick all Christmas with a virus, I was really looking forward to this. What should I do?

Stavro Mueller

Wish her a happy birthday then go do your own thing with your boyfriend when he's around. It sounds like this friendship's starting to go down the toilet anyway. Worry about making (new) friends on your college course. It might be that you've got more in common with them these days. You could take your friend's behaviour as being a snub - she may not enjoy hanging around with you these days. Or she's very immature/flaky for a woman of 25. Either way, it's time to move on I think. I don't think you're the good friends you thought you were.

retro:electro

cymbaline wrote: »

Wish her a happy birthday then go do your own thing with your boyfriend when he's around. It sounds like this friendship's starting to go down the toilet anyway. Worry about making (new) friends on your college course. It might be that you've got more in common with them these days. You could take your friend's behaviour as being a snub - she may not enjoy hanging around with you these days. Or she's very immature/flaky for a woman of 25. Either way, it's time to move on I think. I don't think you're the good friends you thought you were.

Ya you are right and I am starting to realise this more and more. I feel so upset by her behaviour, I know it may seem silly and I myself am shocked by how upset it has made me. Her messages to me were very harsh and unlike anything she would write, and while texting me she snap chatted me a picture of her skyping our mutual friend in England, so I just know she was reading out my texts to her and she was telling her what to say.

Her saying she didn't want to do the two nights is what got me, this girl loves going out and loves a drink. I even suggested dinner and a few quiet ones on the Saturday instead but she won't. If this was anyone else I would say cut your losses and be done with it, but it is so hard as we are old friends and I would miss her. I feel pathetic about it.

Big Bag of Chips

Why would you miss her though? I think you are confusing your "old" friend, with the friend she is now. You are already missing the old friend... And the new friend is adding nothing to your life except frustration, and resentment.

I think it's time to drift. She has already started to drift away from you, but you seem to be desperately clinging on trying to drag back the old friendship that you had. She has shown you you are not a priority in her life now. She would rather accommodate another friend than you, for YOUR birthday. You think she is discussing your messages with other friends and being coached on what to reply...

It's time to move on. There doesn't have to be any big announcement or falling out. Just accept that friendships change. People are lucky of lifelong childhood friends remain their friend through adulthood. More often than not, peoples' lives go in different directions and the friendship changes to reflect that.

She'll probably always be your friend... She just won't be your "best" friend anymore..

castaway_lady

This is a transitioning friendship. And a good observation someone made to me a while ago re my own situation with a friend was "you're just not as much her tribe as the others and that's just the way it is"! You recent frustration with her life choices may very well be a reaction in you to a fear you hold about ending up in a dead end life situation like she's adopted??

It's quite likely that you taking a productive step like going back to college has made her consciously or subconsciously judge herself and her situation against this and not like it. But she clearly doesn't have to will to do anything for herself or move forward in life. Maybe you being around is reminding her of this but instead of taking a cue from it she's in avoidance mode and maybe pushing you away.

You're probably frustrated because you hadnt full accepted where this friendship lay these days until this tipped you towards that realisation.

I wouldn't do any big breakup kinda end to the friendship though, just distance yourself and lessen contact and get busy with your own plans. Stick to boyfriend plans this weekend and don't let her affect that or be the topic of conversation or main impact on your mood either- she doesnt deserve that much power.
Maybe the friendship will survive in some format or maybe it wont but onwards and upwards for you

Weathering

OP It seem to me that you plain think she's a waster and you want some sort of permission/approval off of us to think that way. If I was her I wouldn't want a friend who thinks I'm a piece of sh1t as you clearly do.

Your talk about how good your life is your college etc bla bla and she rings you when she knows your busy etc.. well perhaps shes just ringing without thinking omg is she busy!!

Quit hating on the girl and comparing your life to hers to elevate how you feel about yourself. You're the one with the issue not her. Just be kind or leave her alone

retro:electro

Weathering wrote: »

OP It seem to me that you plain think she's a waster and you want some sort of permission/approval off of us to think that way. If I was her I wouldn't want a friend who thinks I'm a piece of sh1t as you clearly do.

Your talk about how good your life is your college etc bla bla and she rings you when she knows your busy etc.. well perhaps shes just ringing without thinking omg is she busy!!

Quit hating on the girl and comparing your life to hers to elevate how you feel about yourself. You're the one with the issue not her. Just be kind or leave her alone

Wow, harsh reply, I take it you're not a Monday person!
Not even gonna bother justifying myself to you cos you have it all wrong.

Weathering

anna080 wrote: »

Wow, harsh reply, I take it you're not a Monday person!
Not even gonna bother justifying myself to you cos you have it all wrong.

Okay fair enough. You stated everything you find wrong about the girl and how annoying you find her and how pathetic her life is. Then you mention how good and busy your life is.

You also mention you're a mature student so MY hunch is you recently got yourself together and started college in September and now feel you can judge how pathetic you think people are. You probably find her annoying because you think she is beneath you now as you're in college. I'm going off what you said I'm not be harsh just like I'm not making threads about how annoying and pathetic I recently find my life long friend.

I don't get the point of this, what is this threads point? Something measurable not a wishy washy answer pls

Stavro Mueller

I think your frustration at your friend blind-sided you a bit to how she's been feeling about it all. I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here and look at this from her angle - excuse the generalisations btw. You're not the friend she had for years any more - you're now this kinda boring person who has gone to off college. It's hard to get a hold of you because when you're not at college or working you're studying or writing essays. Maybe you're talking too much about college for her liking. Worse still, you're trying to make her do the same. While she wants to go out on a Saturday night and get smashed, you're not into that thing any more. Zzzzzzzz. She may also be getting vibes off you that you don't approve of the way she's living her life.

What might also be worth looking out for is what's going on with that friend she was Skyping with. If you reckon she's "coaching" your friend, you might be minus another pal. The best thing to do here is to "downgrade" your friend to a friendly acquaintance and try to build friendships elsewhere. She may not feel she has anything in common with you any more and would rather hang out with people with similar expecations in life.

retro:electro

Weathering wrote: »

Okay fair enough. You stated everything you find wrong about the girl and how annoying you find her and how pathetic her life is. Then you mention how good and busy your life is.

You also mention you're a mature student so MY hunch is you recently got yourself together and started college in September and now feel you can judge how pathetic you think people are. You probably find her annoying because you think she is beneath you now as you're in college. I'm going off what you said I'm not be harsh just like I'm not making threads about how annoying and pathetic I recently find my life long friend.

I don't get the point of this, what is this threads point? Something measurable not a wishy washy answer pls

Never once called her annoying and pathetic. My life is far from perfect, the while point of this thread is to get some feedback from people to maybe see how I could approach the situation with her.

If you have read my most recent post about out birthdays I think you'll find she is the one pulling away from me, not the other way around. If I found her annoying and pathetic I'd hardly be bothered to even post a thread regarding the girl. But whatever you're obviously on one so think what ya like.

Weathering

anna080 wrote: »

Never once called her annoying and pathetic. My life is far from perfect, the while point of this thread is to get some feedback from people to maybe see how I could approach the situation with her.

If you have read my most recent post about out birthdays I think you'll find she is the one pulling away from me, not the other way around. If I found her annoying and pathetic I'd hardly be bothered to even post a thread regarding the girl. But whatever you're obviously on one so think what ya like.

In your opening post you said you find her really annoying. It's there in black and white. You then pursue to mention all her bad points and pretty much say look at the state of her life. So yeah I'm obviously on one. Proofs in the pudding. Obviously I hit a nerve

retro:electro

Weathering wrote: »

In your opening post you said you find her really annoying. It's there in black and white. You then pursue to mention all her bad points and pretty much say look at the state of her life. So yeah I'm obviously on one. Proofs in the pudding. Obviously I hit a nerve

Not at all. I've already explained that my reasoning for stating all that stuff about her was to give examples of her current situation, as I knew people would more than likely ask.
If you think it's such a pointless thread then why take time out of your life to comment?
The words "annoying" and "pathetic" spring to mind.
Night

Weathering

anna080 wrote: »

Not at all. I've already explained that my reasoning for stating all that stuff about her was to give examples of her current situation, as I knew people would more than likely ask.
If you think it's such a pointless thread then why take time out of your life to comment?
The words "annoying" and "pathetic" spring to mind.
Night

Nice trolling. It's hilarious when you say you find her annoying in your opening post and continue to deny it. Tells me all I need to know about u. You're right on one thing tho it is pointless just like your posts. Night babes

retro:electro

Weathering wrote: »

Nice trolling. It's hilarious when you say you find her annoying in your opening post and continue to deny it. Tells me all I need to know about u. You're right on one thing tho it is pointless just like your posts. Night babes

I continued to deny it? Come on now, don't be dramatic!
Night x

Weathering

anna080 wrote: »

I continued to deny it? Come on now, don't be dramatic!
Night x

Great input one again. More nonsensical gibberish it's actually hilarious. Yeah good night I'll pray for your "friend" xxx

retro:electro

Weathering wrote: »

Great input one again. More nonsensical gibberish it's actually hilarious. Yeah good night I'll pray for your "friend" xxx

Are you still harping on like seriously go find someone else to try and annoy maybe you'll be more successful.

Big Bag of Chips

anna080, same rules apply to you as to other posters. Calling another poster annoying or pathetic is considered uncivil and goes against the Forum Charter. You may not like or agree with all advice and opinion offered here. It is up to you to take what you find relevant from the thread and ignore what you feel is irrelvant. But attacking the poster rather than the post is not allowed.

Weathering, getting into tit-for-that with an OP isn't particularly constructive either, and also against the Forum Charter.

anna080, You've had quite a few replies now, with plenty of advice and opinion. There should be enough for you to go on. Perhaps it's time to lock the thread rather than start handing out warnings/bans.

Thread locked.