Going down toxic path

LegacyUser

Hey guys, as I write this I feel like such an idiot.

Basically I feel like I've completely lost my way in the last two years. I came out of a pretty toxic relationship with a person who treated me badly. It left me shaken as there was a lot of verbal abuse and its completely right that is over, and I have to admit I should have left years earlier. The pattern of the "relationship" was terrible with no commitment on his part and coming and going when he pleased.

Now a good while after it has ended I find myself still having "toxic" style relationships. Not that I want one, but it seems to go down that way. The same pattern which my ex exhibited, I seem to be doing.

Firstly I drink way too much when I go out and it is an issue. So I know I have to cut back, because thats when I text someone Ive been seeing. It always end the same, drunk text, meet up and feel like rubbish the next day. they never seem to have interest which I can see why. It's as casual as you can possibly get. But I keep doing this. I think I get really lonely when the night ends and I just want that comfort feeling, Ive never actually followed through with sleeping with someone if I texted them, I just like having someone there. But its really upsetting me that Im behaving like this. I'd appreciate any advice at all. I feel at breaking point.

it bothers me because I would consider myself very independent but on nights out it seems to spiral downwards.

Tokyo

OP, let me first congratulate you on getting out of the toxic relationship that you have described - sadly, many people continue to stay with people that treat them badly because they can't see the way out. The fact that you have already made this step is a huge achievement in itself.

From what you say though, it seems that you have gotten into a bit of a rut in terms of your social life. You go out, (I assume with the same people), you get roped into drinking and get too drunk, hook up with somebody you wouldn't normally hook up with it, , feel **** the next day, rinse, repeat. It seems like you need to break that cycle, and the best way to do that is to find another focus.

At risk of repeating the advice I give to a lot of people, the best way to do this is to stay away from the 'toxic relationships' for now, and involve yourself in other activities, and with other people. Find out what activities are going on in your area and take part, and expand your social circle. Hopefully you'll meet people that aren't just interested in getting ****faced drunk, and are interested in you as a person. And take it from there.....

I'm sure that others will have additional suggestions and advice. Good luck.

Carrie Madshaw

mike_ie wrote: »

OP, let me first congratulate you on getting out of the toxic relationship that you have described - sadly, many people continue to stay with people that treat them badly because they can't see the way out. The fact that you have already made this step is a huge achievement in itself.

From what you say though, it seems that you have gotten into a bit of a rut in terms of your social life. You go out, (I assume with the same people), you get roped into drinking and get too drunk, hook up with somebody you wouldn't normally hook up with it, , feel **** the next day, rinse, repeat. It seems like you need to break that cycle, and the best way to do that is to find another focus.

At risk of repeating the advice I give to a lot of people, the best way to do this is to stay away from the 'toxic relationships' for now, and involve yourself in other activities, and with other people. Find out what activities are going on in your area and take part, and expand your social circle. Hopefully you'll meet people that aren't just interested in getting ****faced drunk, and are interested in you as a person. And take it from there.....

I'm sure that others will have additional suggestions and advice. Good luck.

Can I ask you a question Mike, why do you think it is that so many people allow themselves to be treated badly? Is it childhood issues, insecurity, what is it exactly because I've known lovely people from all walks of life who for whatever reason allow themselves to be treated awfully. I'm one of them.

LegacyUser

Carrie Madshaw wrote: »

Can I ask you a question Mike, why do you think it is that so many people allow themselves to be treated badly? Is it childhood issues, insecurity, what is it exactly because I've known lovely people from all walks of life who for whatever reason allow themselves to be treated awfully. I'm one of them.

OP here, I'm the same Carrie, I had a great childhood and my life is pretty good at the moment too. Good friends, love my job. Just seem to be failing in the romance department. I know I deserve better. I do know that it all went downhill since my last relationship, just need to identify why

Tokyo

Carrie Madshaw wrote: »

Can I ask you a question Mike, why do you think it is that so many people allow themselves to be treated badly? Is it childhood issues, insecurity, what is it exactly because I've known lovely people from all walks of life who for whatever reason allow themselves to be treated awfully. I'm one of them.

You can ask, of course, but let me preface my answer by saying that I am far from being an expert on such things - I can only speak from my own experiences in life, like anybody else here. And other people will have different, and just as valid opinions.

I personally don't think that anybody -lets- themselves be treated badly. I think that most people in such a situation can see that it's not what they want, but it's a difficult thing for anybody to walk away from the familiar, even if the familiar is ****, and step out into the unknown. The people who are considered assertive just take a lot less time than the rest of us to make that first step. The less assertive amongst us will put up with the **** a lot longer, because the fear of doing somethign different is that much greater.

My $0.02, for what it's worth...

Carrie Madshaw

mike_ie wrote: »

You can ask, of course, but let me preface my answer by saying that I am far from being an expert on such things - I can only speak from my own experiences in life, like anybody else here. And other people will have different, and just as valid opinions.

I personally don't think that anybody -lets- themselves be treated badly. I think that most people in such a situation can see that it's not what they want, but it's a difficult thing for anybody to walk away from the familiar, even if the familiar is ****, and step out into the unknown. The people who are considered assertive just take a lot less time than the rest of us to make that first step. The less assertive amongst us will put up with the **** a lot longer, because the fear of doing somethign different is that much greater.

My $0.02, for what it's worth...

It's worth more than you realise, thank you