Work Problem

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Looking for some advice on a recent work issue which has me a bit troubled. I'll try to keep it brief.

Started working in a great job after a year on the dole, about 3 years ago - have loved every minute of it and am progressing nicely with my career. I'm one of the most tenured member of my team in our dept and am looking to go for a promotion during the summer.

About 18 months ago, a girl started on our team - she's in her late 30's, married/kids etc (I'm male, early 30's btw), and has great experience herself and would probably be competition to me in said promotion. I've always tried to get on with her, and I'd say we have a relatively ok working relationship (considering the below!) - we don't work directly together on anything but we'd have to interact a few times a week.

My issue is as follows - the week she started in the company, I happened to bump into her in a night club in town when I was out with some old college friends. I said hello to her at the bar and introduced her to my friends. One of my friends happened to be under the influence of cocaine on the night (something I, nor any of my other friends have ever dabbled in). He'd just broken up with his gf and was going through a rough patch which thankfully he's well past now.

Fast forward to a night out before Christmas just gone with my team, and after dinner she followed me into the toilet of the restaurant we were in and demanded I sell/give her some cocaine. I told her I've never done it and I had no idea where she got that idea. She pushed me into the cubicle, closed the door and wrestled my wallet out of my pocket and emptied the contents onto the floor. I should point out she's physically very imposing - well over 6ft, well built, whilst I'd be considered a midget in comparison. When she didn't find any, she kneed me in the groin, and went back to the table. In the pub afterward, I learned that she'd said (5 mins after the toilet incident) to one of the juniors that I was a pr*ck and couldn't be trusted.

We broke for Christmas the day after the night out and over the holidays, I decided not to do anything about it, and that she was just drunk etc.

Since then however, I've noticed she's making a lot of very backhanded remarks publicly in meetings which I feel undermine me in front of my team and my manager. I've also learned that she said some fairly nasty stuff about others in our dept (re their private lives) and I have no doubt has probably said the same about me at some point or another. I'm not sure if there's anything you can do about this, but it's gotten on my nerves somewhat.

The girl in question is well liked by management and she's a top performer. I mentioned this situation to a close friend in work and he said to keep the head down and forget about it, she'll eventually move on. However, my sister is a HR director in another large company and she's said I should do something about it. They are the only two people I've mentioned it to.

A lot of the stuff is her word against mine, and more often than not, HR complaints are career suicide. My manager is also relatively new to the company and probably doesn't want to make waves this early into her tenure.

Suggestions?? I'm at my wits end.

Thanks.

Merkin

What an absolute nightmare :eek:


This woman physically assaulted you and since then has been belittling you in front of colleagues. She obviously has it in for you and I’d be curious as to what would have happened had she found coke in your wallet. Do you think she is being strategic and trying to ensure that you don’t get the promotion over her or do you think there is something else? Did you tell anyone in the immediate aftermath of the toilet incident? I expect you were pretty shaken up after it? If you had someone to back you up and corroborate your story (that you told them what happened as soon as you left the loo) then I would be inclined to say something and would probably go to your boss about this rather than HR. Once you a lodge a formal complaint with HR it can’t be retracted where as a word with your boss might be more effective.

alias06

girlinwork wrote: »

Hi all,
Since then however, I've noticed she's making a lot of very backhanded remarks publicly in meetings which I feel undermine me in front of my team and my manager. I've also learned that she said some fairly nasty stuff about others in our dept (re their private lives) and I have no doubt has probably said the same about me at some point or another. I'm not sure if there's anything you can do about this, but it's gotten on my nerves somewhat.

The incident in the bathroom is her word against yours. And you don't want to go to HR with a complaint that associates you with hard drug use.

But if she is publicly undermining you then that is a different story. She told a junior member of staff that you were a prick and not to be trusted. Make a note of this. And keep meticulous notes of all other such comments and efforts to undermine you (time/date/who was there/etc.). She is building a bullying case against herself.

If she makes a backhanded comment at a meeting don't be afraid to take her up on it. Give yourself time. Say "excuse me, what exactly do you mean by that?". Don't let it slide. Force her to be explicit about what she is saying. Sometimes we can be really taken aback by what someone says in a meeting. Its ok then to say "Excuse me but can I just come back to something you said earlier? I'm wondering what you meant by that?"

If it still continues then you do have to go to HR I'm afraid. And you need to go to HR before things escalate to the point that she has really destroyed your confidence and turned a load of people in the company against you. Do you have friends in the company you can talk to about this? Any trusted ally? Because you can be sure she is doing her best to get people on her side against you. Hence the efforts to undermine you in front of your own staff. A real nasty thing to do. If she has been saying nasty stuff about other people in the organisation then she must have other enemies. Her enemies could become your friends. Have a chat with your boss about it. If he/she is aware that this other girl is trying to undermine you that would help a lot. Your boss could shoot her down at one of these meetings and that would be the end of it.

Talk to your sister about it again because she works in HR and she should be well able to advise you about how to go about making a complaint if it comes to that.

Big Bag of Chips

If she came to you looking for cocaine, which I'm guessing was for her personal use, and then realised you didn't have any.. everything she did and has done after that is to make you less credible. She told the other colleague you "couldn't be trusted" as a preemptive strike, incase you told someone that she had looked for cocaine off you, and assaulted you.

She is also depending on you keeping quiet. I would ask to see your manager on an "off the record" basis. Tell her exactly as you have said it here, and ask her what you should do. Tell her you don't want to go down the road of a formal complaint to HR, but you cannot allow her to continue a character assassination against you.

You sound like a trustworthy worker. If you approach your boss correctly, then this should be easily resolved. Your manager job is to manage the team. New or not in the job, these are things that she would be expected to be able to handle. At your request she may handle it very discreetly.

alias06

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If she came to you looking for cocaine, which I'm guessing was for her personal use, and then realised you didn't have any.. everything she did and has done after that is to make you less credible. She told the other colleague you "couldn't be trusted" as a preemptive strike, incase you told someone that she had looked for cocaine off you, and assaulted you.

She is also depending on you keeping quiet. I would ask to see your manager on an "off the record" basis. Tell her exactly as you have said it here, and ask her what you should do. Tell her you don't want to go down the road of a formal complaint to HR, but you cannot allow her to continue a character assassination against you.

You sound like a trustworthy worker. If you approach your boss correctly, then this should be easily resolved. Your manager job is to manage the team. New or not in the job, these are things that she would be expected to be able to handle. At your request she may handle it very discreetly.

Great post.

Tokyo

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If she came to you looking for cocaine, which I'm guessing was for her personal use, and then realised you didn't have any.. everything she did and has done after that is to make you less credible. She told the other colleague you "couldn't be trusted" as a preemptive strike, incase you told someone that she had looked for cocaine off you, and assaulted you.

She is also depending on you keeping quiet. I would ask to see your manager on an "off the record" basis. Tell her exactly as you have said it here, and ask her what you should do. Tell her you don't want to go down the road of a formal complaint to HR, but you cannot allow her to continue a character assassination against you.

You sound like a trustworthy worker. If you approach your boss correctly, then this should be easily resolved. Your manager job is to manage the team. New or not in the job, these are things that she would be expected to be able to handle. At your request she may handle it very discreetly.

Pretty much everything I would have said, right there. One thing I would add though, is to stay away from one-on-one situations with her if at all possible. Always have another colleague present. Save yourself the anguish of trying to figure out what she might say you tried on when you were alone together.

Maura74

She sounds like a big bully. She does not know what you have done, which is to your advantage. You got fight fire with fire and as she is the one that is bullying you, I would take her aside and advise her to stop it as you have reported the assault in the toilet to the guards and it stands it is up to you whether you want to take matters further.

It is not ethical I know but neither is the bully.