Did he use me??

LegacyUser

Would just like some insight here.. I may be being silly or paranoid for no reason but just wanted to get people's views.

So I met a guy over Christmas, didn't get a chance to meet up for a couple of weeks, despite this we were texting every day and really hit it off. Really like the guy and haven't been this interested in someone in a long time.

So we went on 5 dates and I slept with him on the 5th.. I waited as I really liked him and could see it progressing, not like others in the past. Now he has been 'off' with me all week, just not saying much in his texts and a lot shorter than usual. Maybe I am being paranoid but I would like to think he didn't put all that effort in for over a month just for a shag?? Surely a lad wouldn't bother texting a girl every day if he was only after one thing?? Or maybe the chase is over for him now so he's bored? Would really like to think I'm wrong here cos I really do like him a lot.

Both early 30's by the way.

Tokyo

Hard to say at this early stage. If he was busy for two weeks of the christmas, is it not possible that he may be busy now too. He's *is* texting you back, which is a positive sign, and you may be working this up into a bigger thing than it is. While the ****tier end of the spectrum is certainly possible, I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet.

Have you made any plans to meet up or go on a date again? Has he given any response to that?

MugMugs

conny81 wrote: »

I would like to think he didn't put all that effort in for over a month just for a shag?? Surely a lad wouldn't bother texting a girl every day if he was only after one thing??

Yet it appears he did.

It's not uncommon for commitmentphobes etc to do this. Herein speaks the voice of experience.

Frankly, as harsh as this may sound, it sounds like he got what he wanted and now he's going to Guam. Sorry OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I asked him out this weekend but he said he has something on that he can't get out of - fair enough we all have plans! He is still initiating text conversations though which you wouldn't do if you had gotten your bit? Would you??

Really hope I'm wrong here and he's not another one of the usual a$$holes I meet!

ElleEm

If you have been getting close for a month through text, would you not just text him and ask what's up? Just say what you said here, "you don't seem yourself". It will either prompt him to tell you whether there is something going on in his life, or it may give him the opportunity to end things.

Merkin

It doesn't look good. I'd always be inclined to look at a sudden shift in a pattern of behaviour. You guys have been texting every day, meeting up etc and then he suddenly goes chilly on you - I'd say it doesn't bode well. Also, if he hasn't arranged another date since sleeping with you then you may have your answer unfortunately..

Cupcake_Crisis

I hate to say it, because I know from personal experience how crappy it feels, but it doesn't look great. Maybe he's just having a bad week. If I were you I'd text him, or meet up, and just say you've noticed he's been a bit off. Lay your cards on the table, you'll either get the answer you're looking for or you can walk away with a clean break.

Merkin

Opback wrote: »

I asked him out this weekend but he said he has something on that he can't get out of - fair enough we all have plans! He is still initiating text conversations though which you wouldn't do if you had gotten your bit? Would you??

I'm afraid so yes. He is not actually prepared to meet you, and has not been in a rush to arrange a date for another day, but he wants to give you just enough encouragement so that you'll remain interested. He can then keep you on the back burner and call you again when he is feeling frisky and there's nothing better on the horizon. Sorry. I really don't think this looks good.

LegacyUser

He has been initiating texts again this afternoon which is just mind boggling. Hopefully my gut feeling is wrong here and it's just a massive coincidence that's he not available the week after sleeping with me.

Didn't think men in there 30's behaved like this anymore or that they would be bothered putting all that effort in for a month when they could just pick a girl up on a night out!! Seems very cruel to me.

Brego888

He may well have used you. He may just be busy. You could be over analysing his change in behaviour. He could just be inconsiderate of your feelings after sleeping with you.
What im saying is its all conjecture at the minute and you don't really know.

What I'd do is do very little. No cards on the table, no ultimatums, no "you don't seem yourself". Any of these responses would put me off a girl that I was seeing for such a short period of time.
I'd play it cool, reply to the texts and wait to see does he ask you out soon. If he doesn't just let it go.

Merkin

OP81 wrote: »

He has been initiating texts again this afternoon which is just mind boggling. Hopefully my gut feeling is wrong here and it's just a massive coincidence that's he not available the week after sleeping with me.

Didn't think men in there 30's behaved like this anymore or that they would be bothered putting all that effort in for a month when they could just pick a girl up on a night out!! Seems very cruel to me.

What's he saying in the texts?

IHeartShoes

I concur with above. Definitely would not text asking what's changed, what's up or anything like it. Be cool. Let it play out. Will become obvious fairly soon.

I know the temptation is to short cut it and get out if its not going any further without wasting any more time or energy. I would resist. Otherwise, could be a missed opportunity if that behaviour does put him off. In my experience, it does.

Hope it does work out for you though;)

S

helloworld15

Hi Op,
I tend to agree with the others that it does not look good.
If he does not drink/go out he may have put all that effort in just for a quick rude,who knows.
I hate to say it but a date could still be arranged for when he less busy so that does not make sense.
p.s makes no diff what age they are! some men are just idiots!

Of course I could be wrong on the above but only you will know if worth investing time with him.

Czarcasm

OP if I were you I'd take control of the situation and tell him the next time he texts that you're not interested in a text relationship, that you'd actually like to date him properly than carrying on like this as it's melting your head and you really don't have time for it. If he reacts badly then just cut your losses and move on rather than leave yourself being strung along like this.

Catphish

Brego888 wrote: »

He may well have used you. He may just be busy. You could be over analysing his change in behaviour. He could just be inconsiderate of your feelings after sleeping with you.
What im saying is its all conjecture at the minute and you don't really know.

What I'd do is do very little. No cards on the table, no ultimatums, no "you don't seem yourself". Any of these responses would put me off a girl that I was seeing for such a short period of time.
I'd play it cool, reply to the texts and wait to see does he ask you out soon. If he doesn't just let it go.

These people are in their 30's, not their teens. He's blowing hot and cold on her, and she shouldn't have to sit around waiting to see if he's still interested or not.

Op, try arrange another meet, if he dodges that and won't offer an alternative date then you have your answer as far as I'm concerned. While texts seem encouraging to you, don't allow him to leave you dangling until he decides he wants sex again, only for it to fall into a routine. He's either in or he's out. I know you like him, but don't let your heart rule your head.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

What's he saying in the texts?

Just general chit chat, asking how my day was etc. I asked him out early in the week for this weekend and he wasn't available so think it would be a bit keen to ask him out again for next week? We both things on every Monday or Tuesday evening so it would be Wednesday at the earliest before I see him and would not expect someone to arrange a date over a week in advance? Bit keen me thinks?

Oryx

Its easy to send a text. I think he is initiating text messages, because they involve no real investment of time and effort for him, yet its doing enough to keep you on the hook. Any time you push for something else, he dodges it. You can stress about why, but it does seem like he isnt as keen as he was before, and anything you do to attempt to change that is likely to just come off as needy, tbh.

So get on with your own stuff, and while you dont need to write him off totally, take the whole thing with him as it comes, but on your own terms. I dont think you have been used as such, its just one of those things. But if you continue to wait for his messages and chase him for contact, then you are walking yourself into being used alright.

Merkin

OPC81 wrote: »

I asked him out early in the week for this weekend and he wasn't available so think it would be a bit keen to ask him out again for next week?

Well yes I do because you'd be slipping into chasing territory. The onus really is on him to make an alternative arrangement if he wants to see you again. You have asked him out (thus clearly expressing your interest) and he has said no but hasn't actually suggested another day which would give me the impression that he's not all that bothered. In fact good manners would dictate that he does but that's just me.

I wouldn't be overly excited about a few texts I'm afraid. It takes a minute to send a text and will fuel your interest and also conveniently keep you keen without him having to actually arrange another meeting. Win win for him....

I appreciate I'm being cynical here but it just doesn't bode well based on the information you've provided us with.

Big Bag of Chips

You've suggested a date, he's declined because he's busy on that day, fair enough, but did he offer any other date? He could very easily say, "I can't this Saturday, I have something on, what about next week?".

As someone else mentioned, he's just not bothered putting in the effort. I'd lay it out to him next time he sparks up a text chat.. sure what have you got to lose? If he has no interest in meeting up again, then you are just wasting time sitting around waiting for him.

Either tell him that you don't see much point in texting each other if you're not meeting up... Or else just ignore his texts! If he wants to meet you he will make more of an effort. This isn't playing games, because you have already been putting in the effort, so he knows where you stand.

Brego888

Catphish wrote: »

These people are in their 30's, not their teens. He's blowing hot and cold on her, and she shouldn't have to sit around waiting to see if he's still interested or not.

So what. I'm in my 30's and if a girl laid it on thick to me about my intentions after only 5 dates it wouldn't impress me. No one wants to be forced to declare their level of interest that early on. Well I certainly wouldn't anyway.

Having said that, I wouldn't be encouraging her to wait around on him either.

Catphish

Brego888 wrote: »

I'm in my 30's and if a girl laid it on thick to me about my intentions after only 5 dates it wouldn't impress me. No one wants to be forced to declare their level of interest that early on. Well I certainly wouldn't anyway.

Do you honestly think I mean for her to "lay it on thick"? My suggestion was for her to see if he was interested in another date, just as they have been. In the case that he declines with no alternative suggestion means 'not that interested' taking the change in him into account. It's not like she's a clingy one night stand, they'd been in regular contact and have had several dates. The op came here for advice as she had noticed a change in him after they'd had sex, being cool with her in her texts and short. I fear you're only seeing this from your own point of view rather than hers. I'm sure he knows he's being different towards her, she has certainly noticed.

Having said that, I wouldn't be encouraging her to wait around on him either.

Exactly my point. I'm not talking about anything aggressive or needy here, just any sign of further interest to keep the girls pride intact would be nice.

Brego888

Catphish wrote: »

I fear you're only seeing this from your own point of view rather than hers.

Well deduced. I'm giving my opinion on how I would feel as a man if a girl in these circumstances proceeded with some of the advice offered earlier in this thread. You know, so she can weigh up the different options an advice forum can give.

Best of luck with it OP

CaraMay

Op sod him. If he was worth his metal he would not be leaving you guessing / hanging. You are his standby girl. He's keeping you warm until something better comes along. Do not ask him out again. He is not worth it. Cool off on the texting and if he asks you again then decide if you want to see him but do not initiate it.

Sounds like a dead duck to me. Sorry op

desbrook

When this happens everyone says "oh the guy is a commitment phobe " . Eh... Maybe not.

Sorry to be blunt op but maybe he didn't enjoy the sex. It could be that simple.

Czarcasm

desbrook wrote: »

When this happens everyone says "oh the guy is a commitment phobe " . Eh... Maybe not.

Sorry to be blunt op but maybe he didn't enjoy the sex. It could be that simple.

That's a possibility alright des, but then he keeps initiating text conversations and making no definite plans, if he didn't enjoy the sex then why is he still texting the OP, but 'off' with her? Maybe because he likes the OP but the sex was crap, or more likely he's just a flake looking to stroke his own ego. Either way if he's not willing to cut his losses, if I was the OP I'd definitely be cutting my losses and moving on.

desbrook

Czarcasm wrote: »

That's a possibility alright des, but then he keeps initiating text conversations and making no definite plans, if he didn't enjoy the sex then why is he still texting the OP, but 'off' with her? Maybe because he likes the OP but the sex was crap, or more likely he's just a flake looking to stroke his own ego. Either way if he's not willing to cut his losses, if I was the OP I'd definitely be cutting my losses and moving on.

He could just be a nice guy who feels guilty about where he has found himself . He may actually like the op but no longer fancy her. What it boils down to is that he hasn't "used" her.

However it is pointless continuing things . At least the op hasn't wasted years or even married someone who doesn't have proper feelings for her.

LegacyUser

desbrook wrote: »

When this happens everyone says "oh the guy is a commitment phobe " . Eh... Maybe not.

Sorry to be blunt op but maybe he didn't enjoy the sex. It could be that simple.

I don't think this was the case to be honest as he texted me the next day telling me how great a night he had and really enjoyed himself!! Would someone be that mean to out and out bullsh*t someone like that?? Or maybe he was just softening the blow... He also said to me earlier in the night how he really liked me and I was the first person he had been interested in dating in a long time.. again who knows that could have been all talk.. I hope not.

I really like this guy so am going to just wait and see what happens. I won't be initiating texts or waiting by the phone but it's pretty obvious to him I want to see him again seeing as I asked him out for this weekend, so the ball is in his court!

LegacyUser

I was involved with somebody similar a few years back and it was just all about the sex.

He was all into me with loads of daily texts until after we had sex and then I didn't hear from him for a few days when his tone was much cooler. He did keep up contact but it was very sporadic compared to previously. Then a while later he started up again but lo and behold once we met up again, he cooled off.

I was stupid and it took me until the third time to realise that I was just his standby for sex when he was at a loose end. He probably had a few women on the go and did this to all of us!

OP I'm not saying your man is the same but just be careful

Merkin

OPconny wrote: »

I really like this guy so am going to just wait and see what happens. I won't be initiating texts or waiting by the phone but it's pretty obvious to him I want to see him again seeing as I asked him out for this weekend, so the ball is in his court!

I'd have an idea in my head of how long this wait is going to be if I were you. What if he waits another week? Or dragging it on for a fortnight? Would you really be prepared to even talk to him again if he left it a month? After regular dates, sleeping with you and then being too busy for a repeat performance I wouldn't hang around for too long waiting for him to initiate something. If he doesn't arrange something with you very soon (of his own volition, no chasing him or dropping hints) then I'd be giving him short shrift.

I think what may be happening is that he had had a nice time with you but he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. So he'll keep in touch but keep enough of a distance (by not seeing you again too soon) so that you'll constantly be left hanging for him to call the next shot. Don't be that girl.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

I'd have an idea in my head of how long this wait is going to be if I were you. What if he waits another week? Or dragging it on for a fortnight? Would you really be prepared to even talk to him again if he left it a month? After regular dates, sleeping with you and then being too busy for a repeat performance I wouldn't hang around for too long waiting for him to initiate something. If he doesn't arrange something with you very soon (of his own volition, no chasing him or dropping hints) then I'd be giving him short shrift.

I think what may be happening is that he had had a nice time with you but he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. So he'll keep in touch but keep enough of a distance (by not seeing you again too soon) so that you'll constantly be left hanging for him to call the next shot. Don't be that girl.

OP this is good advice. I know this is probably not what you want to hear.

I had a similar problem and was given similar advice but because I REALLY liked the guy, I didn't really listen. But you know, the advice was correct. It's hard when you have an investment - when you sleep with someone, you probably don't want to give up on the situation too readily. I know when sex is involved for me, I am invested.

What this boils down to is respect. The guy isn't really showing you much respect by leaving you hanging. And you need to have respect for yourself, by not allowing this guy to treat you this way. He should be arranging to see you again and treating you properly. He's not.
You deserve to be treated better than that. Don't let a man treat you this way.

Don't contact him again. Ignore his texts if they're just chit-chatting. Go off and do your own thing. If you meet someone else, then allow them into your life.
But don't be waiting around for this idiot.

sopretty

Is it possible that he is married or in a relationship already?

beks101

What I've learned over a decade or so of dating all kinds of characters is this: judge a man on his actions alone. NOT his words.

I've had all kinds of chancers say all kinds of lovely and sweet things to me over the years, from me being fabulous, gorgeous, wonderful, so intelligent, can't believe I'm single, they had such a good time with me, would love to see me again, blah blah blah ad nauseum, and the emotional exhaustion of investing in a guy based on this seemingly positive response to me just got to a point where I got a dose of dating fatigue and had to check myself to stop this bitter, negative, fed up attitude I was developing towards men in general.

The fact is that these things are social niceties that MOST guys you've taken the time to date and gotten on relatively well with will say to you - akin to the 'we must meet up for a coffee!' you'd say to an old acquaintance you bump into on the street. You don't really mean it, or maybe you do sometimes, but you say it anyway because your social skills dictate that you don't create an awkward / uncomfortable social interaction by expressly seeming disinterested or indifferent towards that person.

So just don't put stock in what this guy has said to you. You'll only further hurt yourself. Maybe he meant it, maybe he didn't. The fact is now that his actions towards you i.e pattern of contact, interest in meeting up, has changed, and that pretty much tells you all you need to know.

The ones that actually are interested in you will always, always leave no doubt in your mind.

LegacyUser

OP here again folks with an update and looking for some perspective if anyone can advise.

So the texts are still coming from the guy.. but have not seen him in over 2 weeks now, he texted me on Valentines Day to say Happy Valentines Day and is still initiating most (if not all) the texting, still putting kisses at the end etc.

So... last wknd I asked him what was going on and was this going anywhere to which he replied that he does really like me, is still interested but has a bit of stuff going on at the moment, that was it! So what does this mean? I don't think it's a brush off cos he had the perfect oppurtunity to say he wasn't interested when I asked him and has been texting me since then. I don't think anyone would be that much of a coward would they?? I hear from him nearly every day/2nd day so would he bother going to that effort if he wasn't interested anymore?

Would really like some views.. especially the guys!

CaraMay

He is married / attached / just not that into you.

None of the above scenarios are good enough so don't bother replying to him anymore. He is just using you for an ego boost. Don't be that boost.

Czarcasm

OPagain wrote: »

Would really like some views.. especially the guys!

I don't think the advice would be any different from a guy or a girl's perspective OP. Quite simply put - you're being strung along for an ego boost. As Caramay says -

Don't be anybody's ego boost. Put more value in yourself as a person and drop this chap like a hot snot. This really IS going nowhere and you're nothing more to him than a convenient ego boost on his terms.

sopretty

OPagain wrote: »

OP here again folks with an update and looking for some perspective if anyone can advise.

So the texts are still coming from the guy.. but have not seen him in over 2 weeks now, he texted me on Valentines Day to say Happy Valentines Day and is still initiating most (if not all) the texting, still putting kisses at the end etc.

So... last wknd I asked him what was going on and was this going anywhere to which he replied that he does really like me, is still interested but has a bit of stuff going on at the moment, that was it! So what does this mean? I don't think it's a brush off cos he had the perfect oppurtunity to say he wasn't interested when I asked him and has been texting me since then. I don't think anyone would be that much of a coward would they?? I hear from him nearly every day/2nd day so would he bother going to that effort if he wasn't interested anymore?

Would really like some views.. especially the guys!

He has a girlfriend. That's what it means.

KatieIrl

I obviously don't know the lad so can't say what he's up to but just went through something very similar myself so thought I'd share.

I started seeing someone just before Christmas too, the first person I'd even kissed since my 7 year relationship broke up nearly a year ago so was a big deal to me. We're both early 30s too.

He was mad into meeting up at the beginning and seemed very interested and on the fifth date we also slept together. He suddenly went cold on me from that day! It went from him contacting me every day and asking me to meet up almost daily to a text every few days and arranging to meet up but him rescheduling last minute. I didn't want to pressurise him as it was early days so I left him to do all the contacting while letting him know I was interested. Over the next few weeks we met up at least once a week, all initiated by him but he was very hot and cold. I wouldn't hear from him for about 5 days then we'd meet up and he'd be all about making plans together to do certain things, but never actually committing to a day etc. When he rescheduled on me the second time I told him straight out that although I was interested in seeing how things go that he didn't seem to be. So I told him we should just leave it. He maintained he was really interested but as time went on it kept going that way.

Last week he made the first real sign of progress and he initiated plans for the next two weeks. He even went as far as arranging the days we'd be meeting so it wasn't a loose plan. This was the first time I started to believe it might go somewhere. However, the following morning he rang and said he wanted to finish things as he wasn't into it the way he felt he should be!

While I was very grateful he had the decency to ring me etc and was also a bit relieved after all the uncertainty I was actually really upset about it as I really did like him and it was a massive step for me.

Anyway, the second I got off the phone to him I deleted all our texts and his number as he just wasn't that into me!!! I'm still licking my wounds but it's showed me the red flags to look out for next time!!!

Best of luck OP. Hope it all works out for the best for you!

Sorry, that was longer than I'd planned. I clearly had to get that off my chest!:)

Merkin

He's keeping you on his subs bench. He doesn't want you as his girlfriend but wants to keep you interested enough so that he can meet you for a repeat performance when it suits. I won't agonise over the why and wherefores here, it's quite obvious that he's not interested in anything, sorry.

Stop engaging with him, you're investing a lot of headspace in a non starter.

wivy

hi OP, sorry to hear about your experience. forget about him!
just like the stories above, i was burned by a man who made all sorts of claims about doing things together blah blah blah.. i felt used and foolish at the end when he went 'cold' with me and stopped contacting me after about 6 meet ups. I'm quite a trusting and honest person. I always think the best in people and unfortunately I've really learned a valuable lesson that you have to be careful and mind yourself
don't let this guy wind you down the garden path like I so foolishly did. x

Stavro Mueller

sopretty wrote: »

Is it possible that he is married or in a relationship already?

I wouldn't rule this out. It would explain why it's so difficult for him to commit to another date. You would also think that now that the pair of you have had sex, that he'd be up for an encore. Even if he was only using you for sex.

Regardless of this guy's motivations, I think it's time to call a halt to this. We're now at the end of the 8th week of February and all you have to show are 5 dates. That statistic in itself speaks volumes I think.

beks101

Send him one final text:

"Not looking for a penpal. If you're actually interested in meeting up, give me a call."

And delete his number. If he sends any further vague texts where he doesn't ask you out, immediately delete.