Confronting Friends about pushing me around for not drinking

LegacyUser

Hi. I've been living and working in the UK for the last 6 months or so and recently came back home to take up a new job. I'm in my mid twenties and I've been a heavy enough binge drinker for 5 years or so. Towards the end of my time in the UK I gave up the drink because I realised that it's really ruining my life and hollding me back.

The problem now is that my friends back home in Dublin have been really getting to me since I got home, nagging me to drink slagging me in all sorts of ways but they've also half jokingly made stuff up and spread rumours as to why I gave up the drink. This has probably been going on for about a month or so (it's actually pathetic that I've let it go on for so long, but I was happy just to get through without drinking). I realise I'm probably going to have to cut ties with these people to a large extent for my own good, but I really feel the need to confront them about all this, but the thing is I'm a fairly passive person and to be honest I've probably been the butt of the jokes since long before this, but back then I would turn all this kind of stuff inward and drink them away but now I realise I need to man up deal with this kind of thing. The problem is I've hardly ever said boo to anyone let alone confronted someone. (I haven't even really told them that I'm off the beer for good, they still just think it's some kind of extended break). So I'm wondering if anyone has gone through similar and could share there experiences or if anyone has any advice as to how to go about this. Apologies for the rambling post.

Tokyo

Have you tried telling them to piss off??

I'm being serious here - it's one thing being the butt of a joke now and again, and it goes round the group, but it's another to be everyone's whipping boy all the time? Your choice to not drink is entirely your own - if they can't get that, or continue to give you **** all the time over it, stop spending so much time with them, and find other people to hang out with.

alias06

I have been through this myself.

I think ultimately you will have to lessen interaction or cut contact with most of the people in the group. I suspect most of them are not really friends at all. You are part of a gang. If one member of the gang starts doing something different, like not drinking, then they all feel threatened and try to bully you into conforming. Real friends support and care for each other. This group doesn't even respect you.

It is understandable that you would like to be more assertive with them and you should do so when you are in their presence. However, I think you would be better off distancing yourself from this group first. You are at a vulnerable enough point in your life - trying to give up drink. They are not supporting you. You are out numbered. And individual members of the group may be stronger than you. Its ok to admit this. Some people are much better at slagging/cutting others down. They can go for the juggler, be really cruel and always come out on top. They can hurt you more than you can hurt them. Best thing is to keep distance/ cut contact and give yourself time and space to find your strength. Leave the fight for another day.

When it comes to being more assertive about not drinking you need to say 'Look I'm not drinking OK, so stop going on about it or I'm not going to talk to you ever again". Be really firm. Make sure you make clear that there is a real consequence if they keep this up and then follow through if they break the deal. No second chances.

I come from a small country town where you just had to get on with whoever you grew up with at the time. I had a group of "friends" like this. One guy in particular was a really nasty piece of work, always putting me down, making nasty comments etc. Just like you I tried to give up drink and he was really nasty about it. I had confronted him about it numerous times - did nothing. He would always try and justify it by saying it was 'only slagging' etc - it was my fault I couldn't take a slagging. Eventually I cut contact completely. Deleted all social media/ phone number everything. Best thing I ever did. He had been my "friend" since I was ten. Except he had never been my friend - I was just someone he used to feel good about himself. Life is too short to tolerate people like this. I learnt such a valuable lesson about what real friendship is. I am much quicker now put a stop to this nonsense and to cut someone out if the are not being a good friend.

Hope this helps.

bigmac147

hi op,
like the last post you have to understand that these people aren't actually friends of yours, there more a quantities do you realise that?? Think about it how many of this so called group are actually real friends? Who could you ring, knock into unannounced etc. if you were really stuck?? I gather you haven't got around to thinking about this yet but life goes on and this/these people will mean f"%^k all in years to come. More than likely you'll end up not speaking to the vast majority of them again, even though at this stage you probably think the opposite. REAL friends will or should say good stuff/well done what's the plan? are u giving it up forever etc. etc. a bit of support basically. Life's to short to listen to that bullsh%t after the usual bit of banter. At the moment the next time this happens tell him/them to fu%k off and I mean straight to their face and say what's it got to do with you anyway? Do u think you'll be ostracised for saying so?? they sound immature to begin with, live and let live you know? unfortunately they'd rather act like schoolgirls and the saddest part about it is that some people never learn!!! here's to your sobriety however long it lasts!!!

tinkerbell

OP, time to ditch those "friends" of yours as they are not friends. Friends don't go around making up rumours about someone in the group who is not drinking .... Friends would respect your decision - they may joke about it the first time you tell them you're giving up the booze but turn they'd be over it and accept your decision.

Gokei

I ditched a group of drinking buddies a while back for two reasons.

1. I was killing myself bindge drinking.
2. My wife was giving me and one of them a lift to the aviva last year. My 3 month old daughter was in the car. He never asked about her, only where are we going for pints before the match. That annoyed me a bit, but I then started noticing that none of us talked to each other as friends.. It was all drinking banter, week in week out..

Don't miss them one bit.

Pawwed Rig

The main thing you should ask yourself is do you enjoy spending time with them.

iusedtoknow

You need to question if you getting anything out being friends with them.

I gave up the drink a few years ago and the only time it's ever mentioned is when i go back to ireland, even though it's been nearly 5 years. My friends in Spain thought it was a bit odd at first, but were very cool about it. My friends here have always known me as a non drinker and there is less of a stigma here in the US for not drinking anyway.

WHenever I go back to Ireland, I'm mocked for being a stick in the mud, for judging them (i'm neither, i don't care if people drink or not) and of bringing the evening "down". Eventually I got sick of it, and stopped calling them whenever I got home. Problem solved

Emme

Time to move on and find new friends. You have outgrown the ones you're hanging out with now.

Calhoun

Agree with everything already said on this thread but ill give my two cents also . Ireland as you are aware has a problem with drink and people taking personal responsibility for their lives.

While i agree that part of the criticism is due to you doing something different a big part of it in my opinion is that they are threatened as you remind them of their own demons. The craic, excessive drinking and all that is ok only when everyone partakes in it because everyone is pulling in the one direction and no one questions if the status quo is ok.

I would definitely cut these guys out of your life, i am not condemning drinking but i would like to be friends with people who can enjoy each others company without the need for drink.

PinkCat86

People are mad if they pressure U to drink tell them to pog mo thoin!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. It's good to know that others have gone through similar situations. My blood has been boiling this week and I needed to share my situation somehow. The advice is much appreciated

RoscommonTom

Ive been trying to ease of the drink too and get lots of abuse from a few of the lads, I think that me cutting back is making them feeling guilty about there own drinking and that's why there taking it bad, your own health is more important so never mind what they think

Holsten

Get new friends.

Cantremember

Confront the alcoholic wasters. Enrol the lot of them in al Anon. Pour their beloved booze over their grimy heads. Time for a major row. Burn those bridges in style. Morons.

IrishEyes19

The advice here is spot on. A friend of mine did the same, she felt she was spending way too much money on alcohol on the weekends and yet she was complaining when she couldn't afford a trip away or a gig. So she cut it out. We didnt give her any hassle and most importantly it didnt stop her coming out. And I think thats the main point, you should be able to go out with your group, have a laugh and not feel like you are being judged. To be honest when my friend announced her detox for want of a better word, I thought nothing of it, she's my friend, and its her life. I wouldnt doubt her decisions.

Rosy Posy

Agree with all the posts here and would just like to add that while the herd mentality may be to deride you and your efforts in order to normalise and justify their own behaviour, there may be a few individual members of the group that are your real friends and who will stick by you despite your change in lifestyle. Think of it as a good opportunity to kick the 'friends' who are dead weight to the curb and know that the ones who are still interested in you as a person, not just a booze buddy, are the ones worth knowing.
Congratulations on taking control of your life, op!

LegacyUser

For some people there life revolves around the pub/boozing and they can't accept that there is more to life than this.
Unlike your so called friends drinking won't be affecting your personal life/work life.
I know guys who are in there late 30 or early 40's and there lives have revolved the pub/boozing since there teens. At this stage they are still driving old cars, some are still single, are living at home or renting but meanwhile other people of there age have decent cars, houses, good jobs, families ect. I recently saw 2 guys I know who have been heavy drinkers since there teens and they look years older than other people of there age.

At this stage I would tell your so called friends to grow up as there is more to life than the pub. If they don't change I would move on. Your about to start a new job where you will meet new people. At this stage I would see if you could get involved in any groups/organisations ect to help you make new friends.
Another thing I would say to you is that if long term you want to have a partner/wife or children most woman would prefer not to get involved with a heavy drinker.

Taltos

PinkCat86 welcome to PI/RI.
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Thanks
Taltos

Overheal

No need for blood to boil. Frustration only comes from the feeling of wanting an outcome that we don't know how to achieve. If you want to part ways, it's simple, and you do that. But I gather you'd rather remain friends, yet have this issue put to rest so you can all just carry on.

"I don't like who I am when I drink" is a serious and fair thing to say as an objection, and most often quite true. It's also something that does not offend. If you don't want to cut ties with your friends or put them off, for example, I wouldn't say things like "I don't need drink to have a good time" or similar things that sound like rational things to most people, but often come off as holier-than-thou to someone who drinks.

I found moving to the states the drink culture is quite different and/or highly diluted but you still get your boozies. For the most part though I've only seen those on the college campus, and truly only from the freshman who have not learned from the upper classmen yet. At least the people I associate with. We all have a drink to have a good time but we're not bastards and when we see a kid try to drink half a case of beer to get hammered we stop and worry about him.

The only time in a party situation I might ask questioningly if someone has a drink is to be a good host or something. "I'm driving" "not feeling it" "got tests tomorrow" "my dog will judge me" are all perfectly valid. We're talking about brief exchanges to make sure someones needs/wants are looked after. Ribbing you, spreading rumors (may I ask what kind?), or constantly pressuring you to drink - not cool.

Another non-confrontational thing to suggest is drink something which can be mistaken for a drink, like a rum and coke, hold the rum. If it escalates from there, frankly, I would ask 'Why is it important to you that I am drinking alcohol? Are we not out having a good time?'

Good on you. This is a big societal issue that would be far more moderate and far less of a problem if - especially in Ireland's culture - there was not so much pressure on the individual to have to drink in order to fit in with society. I'd much rather someone imparted that wisdom to the boozie culture, rather than disassociate with it. Disassociation does nothing to educate the problem, and friends like that would only go and find more people they could go and 'corrupt' - which is an actual word I've heard people jokingly use to describe it.

Est28

I'll try to take a different angle here and not be the moral police...

Friends and friends and especially guys, they'll take the p*** for anything. If you just tell them you're not into it or can't afford it. They should understand.

I myself had the same thing with drinking. It just cost a lot to be having a sore head all the time. I still drink but I won't go out 3 nights in a row. I'll go out Saturday and I will take it easy so I'm still fresh the next day. It's your own choice.

I have to give a few points though about people not drinking and why people won't accept it, I'm not saying these all apply to the OP but something to think about:

- People who give up drink often come across like they are morally superior somehow. This is not the case. If your friends enjoy going out drinking then they are entitled to do that too and shouldn't be made feel lousy.

- People who give up drink often have friends who are essentially just "drinking buddies" but insist their friends change their ways. If you really just meet these guys to go drinking, and now want them to give it up and change all their interests or plans to suit YOUR change... you can expect some pushback.

- I know a few people who don't drink but still come to the pub with us. One person I am thinking off... we HATE when she's around. She doesn't even attempt to have fun or banter because she's not drunk. The next day, there will be exaggerated stories of what everyone else did after drinking and every word you say will be analysed and repeated when really it was probably just stupid banter over drinks which meant nothing.
Another person I know doesn't drink but is the life of the party. She chats to everyone, dances, has tons of fun. Infact, when she stopped drinking, I didn't even realise for months later because whenever she was around she just joins in the fun and the chat instead of sitting there like a wet rag.

OP, how do you act around your friends when they drink but you don't? The bottom line is nobody wants to be around someone who they feel is judging them or can't take them for who they are.

Abusing alcohol is a totally separate subject from this so I don't agree with it coming into this argument. If his friends can go out, drink responsibly and look after themselves, that's their choice and nothing wrong with it.

There's plenty ways to enjoy yourself without drinking, and it INCLUDES seeing your friends at the pub, but usually it's on you and how you act as to how they accept it. Do you still fit in with them if you can't drink around them? I'm guessing not.

It's like saying, I took up soccer, but my friends like to play rugby, now they won't play with me anymore. The choice was YOURS, thus the onus is not on THEM to change to suit your new path.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies, to answer a few of the above posts...

I don't want to go onto the rumours as I'd like this to remain as anonymous as possible, but believe me they are quite nasty. They went out a few weekends ago (I didn't go) and they rang me the next day boasting about how they had told this to everyone they met, (people I'd know and randomers alike), now they might have made this up just to wind me up, but somehow I don't think so.

I wouldn't be a wet blanket at all, at first I went out a few times and had fairly good craic, got slagged a bit, but it wasn't too bad, but the longer I'm off the drink the tirade of abuse gets worse and worse even if it's in a situation where drink isn't involved. When I was in the Uk I was hanging around with people from all around Europe, I would go out with them and people would barely notice the fact that I wasn't drinking, wouldn't even pass comment! I don't care if people drink or not and I'm not taking a moral highground or judging people for drinking, all I'm asking is not to be judged, but apparently that's way too much to ask.

mary55

Spending tome with your friends should make u happy. This not seem to be the situation here. Maybe you should distance yourself from them.