Struggling to cope with break up

ballyer82

roke up with my boyfriend of a year over a week ago as felt he was not making enough of an effort and wasn't putting me first like I did with him. He hasn't been in touch at all, but I have been twice! Feel so weak and pathetic for being in touch, but just miss him so much it hurts! I text him a couple of days after breaking up with telling him I loved and missed him and didn't care about the reason as to why I called it quits. I just wanted to get back together. He then rang and said it wasn't right that I was willing to get back with him, when he hadn't proven to me that he was willing to put more effort in. I knew he was right, but I miss and love him so much! It was my first relationship (I'm 31) and I've never met someone, who made me so happy!

I got in touch with him again a few days later and asked if he could pop out of work for a quick chat. When I saw him, I told him I just wanted to give him a hug and wish him well as I didn't feel right about ending things over the phone. That was part of the reason, but I was also hoping that he'd tell me that he missed and loved me and was willing to do whatever to get me back! But no suck luck! He said hardly anything! Heartbreaking!

I just don't get it!! Why can't he show me he loves me as much as he tells me he does?! He says it's down to his anxiety issues, but I don't know! I'm beginning to think that's an excuse and if he really loved me like he says he does and like I love him, he'd make more of an effort and make some grand gestures like I would and have done for him! So hurt and confused!

Tokyo

OP, not sure how best to put this, but it sounded like you tried to call his bluff, and you got the answer that you didn't really want to hear....

From the tone of your post, it sounds like you have been chasing after this guy for a long time, and he wasn't that invested, even when you were in a 'relationship' together. but now and again, the voice of reason raises his ugly head and you realise that he wasn't making a whole lot of effort at all. Last time it happened, you just happen to break up with him, and now that all the doubt is back, you're chasing after him to make it all better.

Look at it with some perspective for a minute.

You broke up with him because you felt he wasn't making an effort, and he didn't do anything to try to counter that. Skip to two days later and you hare constantly chasing after him, bolstering his ego with declarations of love and begging him to come back. You've met him and he's come up with some half assed excuse and run with the "I haven't proven myself to you" story.... all I can say is that if he was in any way cut up over the breakup, he'd jump at the chance to work on the relationship with you. He hasn't even looked you up since the day you left him.

I get that it was your first relationship, and they are the hardest to get over, simply by fact that they are a 'first', and you have nothing else to compare against. But relationships should be more than just a one sided attempt by you to keep a guy happy. and there are better guys out there. I suggest you listen to that voice of reason that kicked in last week, and find one.

Big Bag of Chips

He's not interested I'm afraid. He wasn't interested while you were actually a couple, and now that you're not a couple he's even less interested.

You were obviously unhappy in the relationship, yet you say you love him because he made you so happy. He didn't make you happy. If he did you wouldn't have finished with him. But because he's your first relationship, you are panicking. It sounds like you are so desperate to be in a relationship that you are willing to put up with a half hearted relationship where you don't feel appreciated rather than be single.

Move on from this fella. Value yourself enough to wait for that relationship that will genuinely make you happy.

Merkin

Agree with both of the above. He sounds like he was distinctly "meh" about the whole thing while you were the one who was chasing after him and constantly looking for validation, which he wasn't prepared to give.

A loving relationship is a two-way thing and while he said he loved you, a good rule of thumb in my own experience is that actions speak louder than words. The words are empty if not backed up and this guy simply wasn't feeling it.

I think if you had any doubts as to how he really feels you need to look at his reaction to the break up. If he really loved you, he'd be tripping over himself not to lose you and instead has simply been incommunicado and seems to have gotten over the break up pretty seamlessly. Let this one go, he is just not interested.

ladygirl

He is not interested in you - time to move on with your life!!

ballyer82

Thanks for your comments guys. Unfortunately, I had to get a lil crazy on my ex in order to realise that it is truly over.

I met up with him a week ago and thought we could thrash things out and hopefully, get back together, but things took an embarrassingly crazy turn, when I insisted that I was going to leave with him, whether he wanted me to or not. When he tried to leave, I followed. He then said he had to go to the toilet, I followed. We came out of the toilet at the same time and I followed him once again! However, thankfully, I realised I'd forgotten my umbrella and went back to get it, realising as I did, that I was being a BLEEDIN NUTJOB!

Scary and completely mortifying! I'm usually a sane, reasonable person, but obviously not that evening! Wish I'd had the strength to leave with dignity.

Tokyo

You left - that's the main thing. We all act with a little less dignity than we'd wish at times - the important thing is to learn from it.

Good luck OP.

ballyer82

Thank you for your kind comment. Break-ups SUCK!

Merkin

Not to worry, when emotions are heightened like that, the inner crazy lady can appear from nowhere You've done the right thing. Yes, you may have been a bit nutty but from hereon in I would make a vow to myself to avoid all contact with him - block his number, remove him from social networks and start off life without him, avoiding contact will make the process a whole lot easier for you. You won't always feel like this.

Dixie Chick

Ah look the nutjob business happens. I remember nearly physically crawling after my ex one time...I wouldn't spit on him now, but it still galls me that I did it. Hopefully you can move one now

kjl

Sounds like you gave him and out and he took it.

At this point all you can save is your dignity, if I was you I would delete his number, all his messages and block him on everything.

Take what we are saying to you here as closure, I know you loved him, but he didn't love you. If he did he would be fighting for you. When he said that he had not made an effort to change, that was him telling you he doesn't want to.

Break ups are always hard and I think this being your first relationship you may have been a little too eager with him. We all make that mistake.