Complicated Situation - Please Help

laurabury84

I wanted to post this as I am feeling funny about a situation that I have got into with one of my friends. We have always been close and when I was traveling he was messaging how much he missed me, how he wanted me back in Ireland etc and we spoke all the time.

I knew I was coming back for a visit in July so we had agreed to meet up and did a good few times and had a great time with each other. We had said no strings attached as I was only home for two weeks so that was fine. During these two weeks I was back, I got a job and decided to stay in Ireland. We continued on being together when we seen each other and never discussed the change in situation.

Over the past few months we started getting very close, talking all the time and he was asking me how I felt about him, telling me that he loved me and that he wanted to spend more time with me etc so I started and eventually fell in love with him big time! We spent Christmas day and Stephens day together and had a great time.

The next time I seen him out was a couple of weeks ago and we were out in a pub with mutual friends when he started whispering to our mutual friend about this girl that he was texting. I was talking to another person but could hear all the details. I got really angry and upset and left the pub in complete shock! I couldn't believe that he could be like that with me standing right there and be so dis-respectful!

The following day he texted me asking me how I was and I just blew up in a text saying that I won’t stand for being treated like that, I can’t believe he used me as we have been friends for over 12 years and that I was really angry and upset with him. His response was ‘you were the one that said no strings attached, so don’t give me that ****!’ which made me even more upset as if he thought all along that it was just that then what was he doing saying those things to me?!

I didn’t respond to that and a couple of days later he texted saying sorry for that text but that it was coming from an honest place and that I made him really angry and that he doesn’t use people, especially not me (whatever that is supposed to mean) also that he was just getting out of a 10 year relationship and is not looking to be with anyone at the moment and didn’t want to hurt me. I just replied that we should of talked when I decided to stay but thought we were on the same page with what he had been saying to me as it was not me who initiated those comments and feelings.

We are not speaking at the moment and I just feel lost to be honest. He has been such a massive part of my life. We have always talked and spent time together and this is just coming as a major blow to me. I do feel really used by him and it really hurts as I feel like he has played me and used me as a rebound. I know he is not sitting at home thinking about me which again hurts that he doesn't care.

Not sure why I am feeling guilty over saying to him how I feel and also nervous that we may never speak again….just not sure how to feel about it to be honest!

suicide_circus

you agree nsa and then he told you he loved you, did you say the same? if so, that would dispose of the nsa I would have thought? but if he said he loved you and you didn't say it back then he's off the hook.

laurabury84

I didn't at first but the more he said it to me and the more things that he was saying, I did start to say it back as I had falling for him then.

Even at Christmas when he said it to me - I replied that he didn't and he made it clear that he really did and that he felt very strongly about it.....just so confused!

king_of_inismac

He can't say he loves you and then subsequently say he thought things were casual.

Did he actually say "I love you" or something less commital like "I love spending time with you".

If he said the former, then he's in the wrong and you are right to be upset. Also talking about another girl in earshot of you sounds deliberate. He either didn't love you or now now just wants to be with this new girl and hadn't the guts to tell you straight up.

Triangla

It started off as no strings attached.

You got closer, the relationship changed and he said he loved you. He then blatantly either lied to you or just didn't really mean it.

$hitty, yes but it happened.

Yes he should have valued you more and recognised things had changed but he didn't.

What do you want OP?

Ask yourself can you forgive and try to have a romantic relationship if he's also up for that.

Can you forgive him and just be friends?

Can you not forgive him and not be friends any longer?

Be honest and ask yourself what do you really want. Then talk to your mate. You've been friends long enough for it to at least be dealt with and a line drawn in the sand.

laurabury84

Yes said 'I love you' on more than one occasion sober and drunk and in front of our friends and also alone!

king_of_inismac

P.s. it also seems strange that you were saying you loved each other and then you randomly meet up in a pub. That doesn't sound like a scenario where two people are in a "relationship".

Also since you guys were friends for so long, could he have said it in a friendship sense?

Since you initiated the NSA "deal", maybe there is shared responsibility there. Him talking about his new love in earshot is v insensitive anyway...

laurabury84

Thank you for this - very helpful.

He said he is not up for a relationship which is why I have got really upset - why lead me down this path if he wasn't serious. Not like we just met - we have been mates for over 12 years!

Feel that by saying what I did that I did stand up for myself but was shocked by his reaction in that it was all on me.

I will take my side of it in that we should of talked when I decided to stay and that when I fell for him that I should of talked to him about it but as he was the one pushing for me to tell him how I felt about him and telling me he loved me that he was on the same line as me

I hope that we can remain friends in some way as we have known each other for so long but at the same time, not sure how to move past him treating me like this.

Have told him I need space anyway and it's been two weeks since we spoke so will leave it until I have a clear idea of how we can move forward

laurabury84

Thank you for this - we didn't randomly meet up in the pub, we were pre-drinking together and went out with mates.

I would of thought that too at first but anytime I pushed it back to him - he would stress how much he loved me.....

I will defo take responsibility for my part in it and that we should of taken when I decided to stay etc but just his attitude towards me when I tackled him on it was pretty shocking and shows that he won't be taking any responsibility in what has happened!