relationships and taking on kids

duke916

im in a relationship with a lovely girl for the past three months. ive never had kids nor dated anyone with kids before so this is all new to me. she has an 11 year old girl who is being quite difficult to deal with. attitude towards me is horrid ie. playing up when im there, throwing tantrums and generally being badly behaved. constantly moaning and never giving ourselves two mins to each other, always looking for attention and always has to have the last word.i didnt think it would be this stressful however i do understand that im the new man in her mothers life and i need to progress, gain trust and try and bond with the child but my problem is i feel i cannot make such an effort while the child is acting like a complete brat.

maybe this needs time to level out and i guess the more im around the more she will accept that im not going away. but i ask myself can i be the father figure, and my answer would at this point in time, be a simple 'no'. i think its too early for me in the relationship to start that kinda thing when we are still only getting to know each other. if we had a new born then i guess you grow with the child and everything would be fine but its really difficult to sit there and say nothing when my girlfriend is being given laps of verbal abuse because the child isnt getting what she wants and makes such a dramatic case about it. of course, its not my place to say anything and i fear that its goin to have an affect on me and my girlfriends relationship if things between the child do not work out. i am mad about her but if the child carries on like this in the future then i dont know what will happen.

i never discriminated against dating girls with kids but know i now why some refuse to.
id be interested to see if anyone has advice on this or if you yourself have dated someone with kids and how it worked out, if you succeeded or decided to walk away after trying and not getting anywhere.

I wouldn't have a blanket policy but that age of kid is more likely to be difficult as well.

Pawwed Rig

Moved to Relationship Issues forum.

Big Bag of Chips

I know parents of 11 year olds who are pulling their hair out at their "walking hormone", as one mother describes her daughter!

You don't know enough about their history to know whether the child has always been the demanding, tantrum type, or is this just a new thing since you arrived. It's easy as the newcomer to a situation to think that you are the cause of the upset. I know at that age, hormones etc can play havoc with a child, and turn them into sulky, teary, tantrumy monsters!! But.. in general, a child won't have a personality transplant over night. I'd guess this child has always been this way, to an extent. Has always been demanding of her mother, and most times gets what she wants.

Your best way to judge it, is how her mother reacts to her. If this doesn't seem out of the ordinary behaviour for the mother to deal with, then you know that this is the way it's always been.

As for being a "father figure".... NO! Not yet, it's not your job. For now you are going out with the mother. Your job is to be polite ans friendly to the child but nothing more. You should be a support to the mother. Gauge her reaction to the child's behaviour and ask her is there anything she would like you to do, together as a couple to address it. She might say, no thanks, or she might suggest you all sit down for a chat together.

Either way, for now, you take your lead from the mother. The child might be upset by the new man in their lives, she might be emotional due to various pre-teen things.. or she might just be a demanding, tantrum throwing brat! But, whatever she is, at this early stage, you need to take your lead from her mother.

LegacyUser

duke916 wrote: »

playing up when im there, throwing tantrums and generally being badly behaved. constantly moaning and never giving ourselves two mins to each other, always looking for attention and always has to have the last word.i didnt think it would be this stressful however i do understand that im the new man in her mothers life and i need to progress, gain trust and try and bond with the child but my problem is i feel i cannot make such an effort while the child is acting like a complete brat.

So generally behaving like an 11 year old then?

I've was where your are now and it all turned out well. Best advice I can give if you're asticking around is largely ignore the bad behaviour and focus on the primary relationship. The bad behaviour is not about you, so don't take it to heart. Maybe try to put yourself in the daughter's shoes - if you and your gf were used to it being just the two of you and she started paying attention to a new fella, would you take it lying down?

If you and your girlfriend last, the other relationships around it will come good. You have to bear in mind though, while you can't see yourself being a father figure right now, you are whether you like it or not. That girl's template for healthy relationships is being set down right now, you and your gf either do it right or create a potential problem. If it was just the two of you, you can be casual by all means, but it's not, so you can't. If you're in for the long haul, take it slow, let it happen, and it'll work out. If you're looking at the door already, you may be better to take it now than do more damage later.

Merkin

I think it was way way WAY too early for your girlfriend to introduce you. You've been together a wet week! If you had been seeing other for quite some time and it was getting serious then fine but it's only a matter of weeks that you've been dating and in my opinion, far too early to be part of her daughter's life. She is at such a tentative age anyway so no wonder she's acting up.

Also, this talk from you about being a father figure is just inappropriate and far too premature. You and your girlfriend are just at the getting to know you stage. You hardly know this woman and hardly know this girl so you need to take a step back and maybe go back to dating this woman without being so involved in the family unit. Do you think your girlfriend is trying to get you involved in the Daddy role or is that something you're taking on yourself?

Either way, I don't have children yet but if I was a single mother with kids I sure as hell wouldn't be introducing a man to my children after just three short months together, it's too soon and it's not fair on the child or on the new relationship.

ladygirl

I also think it is WAYY too early for you to have even been introduced to her daughter. You and your OH should have conducted your relationship away from the little girl. Ye are only getting to know one another and at the moment and I don't think it is fair on the child to have to deal with this especially if your relationship does not progress any further.

Also your talk about being a father figure is too much too soon. Being honest I think you and your partner are the immature ones who haven't thought this fully through. I have sympathy only for the 11 year old at this stage for having her life turned upside down to accommodate what might be simply a casual fling.

Riesen_Meal

This is a tough one, I'm with my partner over 3 years (she has two fantastic boys who I love as my own at this stage) but we both decided to play it cool regarding the boys until we decided were we going to stay together (in the long run) and made a point of not introducing me to them for a good 6 months of seeing me, she gradually introduced the idea of me the whole time by talking about me etc etc around them...

Their Dad is still around and he is a good guy (and to his boys) so I have no issue with him, its taken a while for us to get this far but persevere if you love this girl and if you see a future together with her, there is no wrong way or right way to deal with this and each situation is different - I wish you the best of luck OP....

username123

Much much much too early for you to have been introduced and certainly way too early for you to assume or think about role of father figure. In fact, by the time you are around long enough to even consider being father figure she will be far too old to accept you as one.

December2012

The fact is you have been introduced though.

You're not her father figure right now. You are a male influence though, you are her mothers boyfriend. And that's all.

11 year olds actually commonly fight with their mothers and throw tantrums. It's part of puberty and changing from a child into teenage years. David Coleman writes some very good pieces about it.

Girls in particular will be vocal and fight with words, boys will sulk / stomp around.

So obviously as a man you won't identify with those too unless you've been aware of this from nieces / sisters.

Just be good to the mother. The child is her concern, not really yours.

ash23

OP I've been seeing someone for a few months and we're on the verge of him being introduced to my 11 year old.

The main thing I took into consideration was that it was the child who wanted to meet the boyfriend. She has been asking for a while to meet him and we've talked at length about it. Her main concern was that her and I wouldn't have much time together if he was on the scene so we agreed a rota of sorts for when they are introduced. It will mean that her and I still get plenty of quality time together over the weekend.

She's expressed that while she is happy that I'm seeing someone who makes me happy, and she is open to meeting him, she quite likes it being just me and her. So I have to factor that in too.

I think that perhaps ye went head first into this without considering what the child wants. The fact that you say that she is always looking for attention and never gives ye two minutes together....well lets not forget that it's HER home and HER mother. You are on her turf and not the other way around. You need to be respectful of that. She is clearly feeling left out and is trying to get attention in the wrong way.
As for always having to have the last word etc, she is trying to have a p!ssing contest with you in my opinion. You are the outsider in her home and truthfully, you've no place to be telling her off or arguing with her. Myself and my daughter butt heads on occasion but overall we've a fairly happy and harmonious home. I'm expecting a little neediness or clingyness when she meets himself because I know she'll need reassurance that she is still important to me and she's not being forgotten about just because I am seeing someone.

I think that you need to back off a bit and take things more slowly. Meet up with your partner and her child on more neutral ground. Take them to the cinema or go out to lunch with them. Don't be landing in their home and sticking your feet under the table with little regard for how the child is feeling about it. It's not fair on her and imo, it simply won't work if you both neglect to consider how she feels about things.

Catphish

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ash23 wrote: »

OP I've been seeing someone for a few months and we're on the verge of him being introduced to my 11 year old.

The main thing I took into consideration was that it was the child who wanted to meet the boyfriend. She has been asking for a while to meet him and we've talked at length about it. Her main concern was that her and I wouldn't have much time together if he was on the scene so we agreed a rota of sorts for when they are introduced. It will mean that her and I still get plenty of quality time together over the weekend.

She's expressed that while she is happy that I'm seeing someone who makes me happy, and she is open to meeting him, she quite likes it being just me and her. So I have to factor that in too.

I think that perhaps ye went head first into this without considering what the child wants. The fact that you say that she is always looking for attention and never gives ye two minutes together....well lets not forget that it's HER home and HER mother. You are on her turf and not the other way around. You need to be respectful of that. She is clearly feeling left out and is trying to get attention in the wrong way.
As for always having to have the last word etc, she is trying to have a p!ssing contest with you in my opinion. You are the outsider in her home and truthfully, you've no place to be telling her off or arguing with her. Myself and my daughter butt heads on occasion but overall we've a fairly happy and harmonious home. I'm expecting a little neediness or clingyness when she meets himself because I know she'll need reassurance that she is still important to me and she's not being forgotten about just because I am seeing someone.

I think that you need to back off a bit and take things more slowly. Meet up with your partner and her child on more neutral ground. Take them to the cinema or go out to lunch with them. Don't be landing in their home and sticking your feet under the table with little regard for how the child is feeling about it. It's not fair on her and imo, it simply won't work if you both neglect to consider how she feels about things.

Ash is spot on here op.

There needed to be more of a build up to meeting you for the child's sake and your own, this is new ground for both of you. I do find three months is a bit soon, especially for the reason you stated op, you need to get to know each other first before children are introduced. Children will feel pushed away / left out if all the decisions are made for them and their opinions are removed by throwing a new partner into the mix without their own feelings being considered. I'm not surprised she's reacting the way she is taking into account her age group and how this situation was managed to start with.

Looking to the future, well I'd talk to your girlfriend about this. You may find that it will help, as she can talk to you about the child's interests and what makes them tick in general. Not to say you have to jump into a father figure role, but you've already been introduced so it's not like you can't pretend that she's not there. You can make small gestures by offering to take her and her mother to the cinema to see something the daughter wanted to see, or some activity that includes her on neutral ground. She is aware that you are in her mothers life, but if she won't give you a second together then it's possible she feels in competition for her mothers attention and is fighting for it. As I said, some efforts with the girl might show her that there is nothing to fight with her about and there is no need for her to feel threatened by your presence. A small interest in her may make the world of difference here. The cat is already out of the bag so to speak, but she needs to feel safe and secure at home. I don't feel it was handled the best to begin with, but it's fixable I think