Complicated Situation - Help Please!

LegacyUser

I'll try to be as concise as possible, there's a few housemates and best friends and girlfriends involved so sorry if it's complicated to follow.

On Saturday night I came back early to my apartment after a night out, I actually wasn't supposed to be back - I was supposed to stay at my boyfriend's that night but felt sick and just wanted my own bed. When I came into the sitting room and turned on the light I saw my housemate and my friend's boyfriend going at it on the couch. I was completely shocked and just walked back out. My housemate ran after me and pleaded with me not to tell *Sarah, that it was only a "drunken" mistake. I said "yeah" because I was just so shocked and hadn't fully understood what I saw.

I've been wracked with guilt over the past two days. I've completely avoided *Sarah (who is also my housemate). My other housemate who I caught with her boyfriend keeps texting me asking me am I okay and all other sorts. The thing is I'm good friends with both, but I think it's horrible what he's done to her, same goes for her boyfriend. She's one of the nicest people I've ever known, so helpful and kind - finding out that two of the closest people did that to her would break her heart. Something isn't sitting right with me either, I've known for awhile my housemate fancied her boyfriend. He was always very vocal about it and over the past couple of months they've been rather "close". Whether anything happened previous to that or not, I dunno. I mean, neither of them had even drank anything that night...so that excuse doesn't wash with me. Sarah's boyfriend was supposed have gone home that weekend too. Plus I never knew he was interested in guys.

What do I do? My housemate has text me saying it will never happen again but I can't wipe what he did or what her boyfriend did from my mind. I don't want to tell her because as I said it will break her heart, but I don't think I'll be able to look any of them in the eye again. They're people I see everyday though, two of which I consider my best friends. And what if it does continue? I don't think I can trust my housemate anymore, if he's capable of cheating with one of his best friend's boyfriend then what else is he capable of? As for her boyfriend, I never liked him anyway but he's over at our apartment a lot of the time. I don't think it would sit right with me everything continuing on as if nothing happened. What do I do? We're all in college btw.

*not her real name.

Ann84

Tell them both that they have a week to come clean or you will tell?!
Also make it clear that expecting you to hide this for them is not something a friend would ask of you so you owe them nothing.

This is not your mess...

CaraMay

Ann84 wrote: »

Tell them both that they have a week to come clean or you will tell?!
Also make it clear that expecting you to hide this for them is not something a friend would ask of you so you owe them nothing.

This is not your mess...

Oh bloody sure...

The girl needs to know if only for her physical health. I wonder if he used protection.

oscar_mike

Totally agree with above....if he doesn't come clean he is abusing your friendship. A week is plenty of time for him to decide

Tokyo

OP, it's not that complicated. She's your friend, and she deserves to know. So that she can (a) get herself checked out, and (b) so that she doens't waste any more of her life with this guy.

Unfortunately it does me an that you will either be looking for a new flatmate, or a new place to live in the immediate future, depending on who moves out.

Unsurewhattodo

Your housemate is a friend to neither you nor Sarah. He cheated with her boyfriend and he's asking you to lie on his behalf, not the actions of a friend. I would ask her boyfriend to tell her, if he doesn't tell her yourself. Be careful not to give him too much time and be prepared incase they attempt to twist things. She may be upset but she'll thank you for it in the long run.

Merkin

She has to know. Give your housemate twenty four hours to confess or you'll be forced to tell Sarah yourself. Doesn't sound like it was a one off so she probably needs to go and get herself checked asap.

MugMugs

I'd be staying well clear personally. I've been there and it didn't end Well for me telling the injured party. I was outed from the group

ahnow

I would tell them to come clean and tell her, or you will. Its a horrible thing to do, and a horrible situation for you to be put in. But imagine she found out that you knew all along and you never told her? Awful situation to be put in on your behalf op.

Ham Sambo

Not a nice position to be in to be honest, however it I was in your shoes I would tell Sarah's bf to come clean and talk to his gf, best mates or not it will come out eventually and then the **** will really hit the fan.

LegacyUser

I took the advice given and went straight to my housemate (Mark). I told him that he would have to tell her or I would because it wasn't fair on anyone. He broke down in tears and kept saying sorry. My suspicions were correct, Sarah’s boyfriend (James) had kissed him last May before college broke up, in October they kissed again and the rest is history. Mark told me that James loved him (or said he did anyway) and would break up with Sarah after the exams, after Christmas, after Valentine’s day etc… basically just continually putting it off and leading him on. He said James is “too scared” to come out as gay.

I’ve given him ‘till Friday to tell her. Whether he asks James to do it or not is up to him. I don't want to see that guy never mind talk to him so I'm leaving that up to Mark. I probably shouldn't, but I do feel bad for him after seeing him like that, it's hard to stop caring about a friend, especially one like him. I realise that it’s not my mess, but unfortunately I’ve been involved whether I like it or not. I'll see how it pans out.

@MugsMugs, that’s exactly what I’m worried about. Or the case of the three friendships breaking apart, which will undoubtedly happen when everything comes out.

CaraMay

Well they are not exactly good flat mates or friends to anyone shagging in the communal sitting room ugh.

They want you to lie for them - again not good friends.

Id start looking for a new place to live tbh

complicated_situation

complicated_situation wrote: »

I’ve given him ‘till Friday to tell her. Whether he asks James to do it or not is up to him. I don't want to see that guy never mind talk to him so I'm leaving that up to Mark. I probably shouldn't, but I do feel bad for him after seeing him like that, it's hard to stop caring about a friend, especially one like him.

Please do go to her on Friday. If I'd written a reply before your update my advice would have been not to give them a chance to come clean at all.

There are small mistakes that everyone makes. This is not one of them. And Mark pulling the upset victim card is not okay. He has been with Sarah's boyfriend, under the understanding that they're in love (so a full-on relationship) for five or six months now, while living with her, pretending he's her friend and probably at some stage even talking about him together. Not to mention what James has been doing with Sarah while cheating with Mark. They've had since last May, each of them, to say something to her, or at least for James to break up with her, and neither of them has made a single move to come clean.

You're the honest one. You're the one that actually cares about Sarah. Giving them a chance to pretend they're sorry when they're not (James is clearly having a great time having his cake and eating it too, and Mark is convinced James is in love with him and is going to break up with Sarah, and thinks that makes lying to her every single day okay) is far too generous. It's putting you in a position where you now have to lie to Sarah for a week. It's giving Mark a chance to play the "I'm just innocent and lonely and in love" card with her too, and it's giving Sarah an extra week to possibly catch something from James (since he's clearly getting around and easily could be with more people than just Mark). In addition, it could really hurt your friendship with Sarah when she finds out you didn't tell her yourself as soon as you found out.

Riskymove

,

Neyite

I have twice told on cheaters. Both times they shot the messenger.
In the first instance, it was my best friend, and we fell out for a while. But when he cheated on her a second and third time, she came to her senses and apologised to me.

The second time it was someone I didnt know well - a friend of a friend. Her best friend and boyfriend were having a longstanding affair, and the whole lot of them ostracised me.

But, I think I'd do it again if it was a close friend that was being duped. Maybe not so much for a non-friend.

I think the fact that this is not a once off mistake by these two but an ongoing affair changes the situation a lot. I think I'd be telling in this case. Hope it works out ok for you OP.

meoklmrk91

It's a ****ty situation OP, I most certainly do not envy you. You never asked for this, you just walked in on it and had you been 10 minutes on either side then you might still be none the wiser. While it is possible that you may lose friendships over this I think you did the right thing. If you weren't friends with 2 of the involved parties and they were just mere acquaintances then I would say you know what maybe just leave it, but that's not the case, some secrets are just too big to keep and it's unfair to ask anyone to do so. You may end up being shot for being the messenger but at least you don't have to walk around keeping this big secret and your friend deserves to know the truth.

LegacyUser

Okay I'm going to tell her myself. I got home from college this evening and Mark had left me a note saying that he went back home (to his mam and dad's) earlier this morning and that he couldn't face telling Sarah. He won't answer my texts or my calls. Coward. I'll tell her tonight altogether.

Merkin

complicated_situation wrote: »

Okay I'm going to tell her myself. I got home from college this evening and Mark had left me a note saying that he went back home (to his mam and dad's) earlier this morning and that he couldn't face telling Sarah. He won't answer my texts or my calls. Coward. I'll tell her tonight altogether.

I think you're doing the right thing. As someone pointed out, you may get caught in the crossfire here and be painted as the worst person in the world for spilling the beans but this is so serious and if Sarah is as good a friend as you say then I think you have a duty to tell her.

If it was you then would you want to know? I would assume yes. I certainly would. I'd be heartbroken and perhaps inclined to shoot the messenger in the first instance but I wouldn't want to be kept in the dark about something so very serious.

You're being very brave and I don't envy your position but I think you are ultimately being a good friend. I hope it goes OK for you.

CaraMay

Fair play op. I would want to know if I were her.

username123

What a mess.

Put yourself in Sarahs shoes. Would you not want to know that not only is your boyfriend cheating on you, but is in fact cheating on you with someone else you live with! Its really nasty of both Mark and James. And since last May? Come on guys!!

Just tell her. You are not morally bound to keep this secret. No matter how she finds out there will be fallout. And if she finds out in 6 months time and knows that you knew all that time too then it will hurt all the more.

You're being crapped on from all sides and it's not over.

Tell your friend because it's the decent thing to do, but give them an ultimatum first and see if you don't have to. You'll be then left with a situation where you either move out, get a new housemate, you lose Sarah, or a combination. If you don't tell you're still in the crap, because you live with secrets, manipulation, and what's certainly going to be a toxic atmosphere.It's not fair, and you don't deserve it.

If I was Sarah, I'd want to know and would thank you, but I know the lengths people will go to to shoot the messenger and you may get that reaction, but at least you'd know she's got the information. Either way those two guys shouldn't have expected you to keep the secret and are showing no decency in dragging you in, quite apart from anything else.

beks101

Wow OP, you really are surrounded by some spectacularly sh1tty people. I don't envy you or Sarah, whose world is going to come crashing around her tonight through no fault of her own.

Don't play down what you saw. Keep your tone even, neutral and just give her the facts as you found them. Don't make excuses for either your friend or her boyfriend. Preface the whole thing by reminding her how much you care about her and how as her friend, you cannot lie or cover this for anyone.

For what it's worth, you sound like a great friend. God knows how she'll react, being told her boyfriend has been 1. cheating, 2. with her housemate and 3. with a man. Don't take it personally if as others mentioned, you become the target of some misdirected angst.

You are absolutely 110 percent doing the right thing here and will save your friend in so many ways of which she will thank you for down the line.

Tokyo

Neyite wrote: »

I have twice told on cheaters. Both times they shot the messenger.

Unfortunatley OP, I've had the same experience as above - two times tried to do the right thing, and got burned for it both times. I do think that you have to tell your housemate - as has been pointed out above, she longer that it's left, the more exposed she is to her boyfriend's risky behavior.

I will make two recommendations though

1. Make arrangements to have somewhere else to stay tonight just in case. It could very well be that your friend will need you more than anything tonight. However, to quote beks101, you are about to tell her that her boyfriend has been 1. cheating, 2. with her housemate and 3. with a man. That's going to be a lot for her to take in. And she may not be able to. And you might suffer her wrath for that.
2. Cheating aside, you are about to out one, if not two guys as being gay. Your friend needs to know of course, but please choose your words carefully.They are going to carry a lot of weight.

December2012

You sound like a good friend so when you tell her, bear in mind that she might lash out at you simply because she is angry, hurt, confused, embarrassed, humiliated, devastated.

Try not to take it personally if she does and give her a pass for now.

bp

Also if Sarah's boyfriend is gay it just cannot work long-term. Not defending him here but clearly man + woman long term won't work!

I hope telling her goes ok

LegacyUser

I told her last night. She had a panic attack and I had to bring her to A&E because I couldn't calm her down and she couldn't breathe. I tried to tell her in the most neutral way possible (as suggested) but it was all too much for her to take in. The nurse gave her something and I put her to bed afterwards. I didn't go into college today because I'm really worried about her, she hasn't left her bed and hasn't said a thing. She hasn't drank or eaten anything either. She's just staring at the wall. I don't want to leave her on her own so I'm thinking of ringing her sister. She lives in the same city and they both are very close so she might be able to get something out of her. That or calling the college doctor. I dunno, I've never seen her like this before. I realise it's a huge shock to the system but I actually can't get anything out of her.

Tokyo

OP, you have done more than everything a friend could be expected to do. Well done on that. Definitely call the sister, and explain what has happened beforehand. Your roommate has effectively experienced a double dose of rejection - it's going to be hard for her to handle.

CaraMay

The poor pet. I was thinking about her today. Do get her family involved and maybe check with the college doctor as well. I wouldn't leave her alone right now. Where is that useless lump of a bf / ex of hers?

It's a good thing it was you to say it OP, so she doesn't have to rely on someone who's the reason for her problem to be looking after her. Definitely call her sister, you shouldn't have to deal with all this yourself.

Whatever happens, you're brave and you did the right thing.

MagicMarker

CaraMay wrote: »

The poor pet. I was thinking about her today. Do get her family involved and maybe check with the college doctor as well. I wouldn't leave her alone right now. Where is that useless lump of a bf / ex of hers?

The college doctor?

Am I missing something?

Tokyo

MagicMarker wrote: »

The college doctor?

Am I missing something?

OP's roommate needed medical attention due to panic attacks last night. OP was debating whether to involve the college health centre, considering roommate seems to be shutting down.

Merkin

complicated_situation wrote: »

I told her last night. She had a panic attack and I had to bring her to A&E because I couldn't calm her down and she couldn't breathe. I tried to tell her in the most neutral way possible (as suggested) but it was all too much for her to take in. The nurse gave her something and I put her to bed afterwards. I didn't go into college today because I'm really worried about her, she hasn't left her bed and hasn't said a thing. She hasn't drank or eaten anything either. She's just staring at the wall. I don't want to leave her on her own so I'm thinking of ringing her sister. She lives in the same city and they both are very close so she might be able to get something out of her. That or calling the college doctor. I dunno, I've never seen her like this before. I realise it's a huge shock to the system but I actually can't get anything out of her.

Aww the poor girl, my heart goes out to her. I am sure seeing her so distraught is acutely upsetting and maybe making you question whether you did the right thing. You absolutely did do the right thing and have been an extremely loyal friend. I would definitely invoke the help of her sister and maybe consider calling a GP tomorrow if there has been no improvement. She sounds like she has gone into shock and she may need a little bit of medical help if this continues. Keep an eye on her and again, well done on seeing it through xx

MagicMarker

mike_ie wrote: »

OP's roommate needed medical attention due to panic attacks last night. OP was debating whether to involve the college health centre, considering roommate seems to be shutting down.

Ah sorry, missed the OPs update.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

The poor pet. I was thinking about her today. Do get her family involved and maybe check with the college doctor as well. I wouldn't leave her alone right now. Where is that useless lump of a bf / ex of hers?

I saw him in college today and he saw me, but he went into the men's toilet to avoid me. Ugh. I don't think she's seen him at all this week either. The less said about him the better.

I rang Sarah's sister last night, she brought her to her apartment anyway. She said she'll text me with updates of how she's doing.

Thanks for all the support/advice everyone, much appreciated.

CaraMay

complicated_situation wrote: »

I saw him in college today and he saw me, but he went into the men's toilet to avoid me. Ugh. I don't think she's seen him at all this week either. The less said about him the better.

I rang Sarah's sister last night, she brought her to her apartment anyway. She said she'll text me with updates of how she's doing.

Thanks for all the support/advice everyone, much appreciated.

Showing his true nature there the spineless git.

You are a great friend op fair play to you