How to turn someone down

LegacyUser

Im a guy, 30, single and I want to stay that way. Ive no problem chatting to women, or having a bit of banter with them, I dont flirt, or lead anyone on, and I ignore any flirting they might do, Im just myself around anyone really, man/woman I dont care, and I get along well with people.

but after meeting or chatting with a girl or a group of girls for awhile they always ask for my number or to meet up sometime, but the truth is no, I dont, I dont want to give them my number, as I dont want a relationship, I dont want to go down that road. I know some will say, whats the harm? or sure its only a cup of coffee or a drink, but to me thats the start of "going down that road" and anyways it's just not something I want, and I dont want to end up in a situation that I'm uncomfortable in (one on one with a girl who thinks shes on a date).

I know some people or going to say "just tell her the truth, you dont want a relationship, its nothing personal, just say no," I tried this, they do take it personally, and feel rejected, even if I ask them would they rather I took their number, and never called? and explained that I dont want to do that to them, and I dont want to commit to anything. but I instantly become a big man bastard, no matter how nicely I put it. How dare I not be falling over myself for her or her friend, after being nice and chatting with them anytime we bumped into each other (smoking area / pub etc)

I dont sleep with these girls and tell them this in the morning or anything like that, all I do is say hello and have a chat, get along, a bit of banter. Even through out the night, after a few hours and a few drinks having a laugh, I try to ignore flirting, or back away when getting too close (start touching arms etc). so Im not asking for anything or leading anyone on. Im glad to meet them, and enjoy meeting someone new, and if we crossed paths again I'd happily say hello, how've you been doing since the last time etc. but I want to leave it at that,I dont want to take it any further.

What the best way to phrase this, say this, without having to upset anyone or be awkward if we meet again, or have to give detailed explanations as why exactly I dont want her number, while she runs away upset and her friends interrogate me of give out to me for being nice and getting her hopes up, and how dare I turn down her/their friend, any man would be jumping through hoops for her etc.

Sorry for the badly written post, its early and this happened again last night and I need opinions/advice

and how dare I turn down her/their friend, etc. I never lead anyone along, but Im

beks101

If these are just randomers you're meeting on nights out who you're not going to see regularly, why can't you just tell them you have a girlfriend?

Tokyo

You seem to be under the illusion that because these girls want to meet up with you, that they automatically want a relationship with you. What makes you think that they didn't just enjoy chatting to you, and would like to hang out again??? These are the rules you apply to yourself, after all.

But if you truly want to draw your line that far back in the sand, then tell a white lie. It's one of these scenarios that all out truth "I want to be alone! I don't want to even risk a relationship!" causes more harm than good. Say that your girlfriend wouldn't like the idea of you taking girls numbers, or that you'd like to, but you have other commitments (work), and you don't want to disappoint her by taking her number and letting her down.

kylith

People who approach you on a night out generally do so because they are interested in you, whether for a ONS or a relationship. You continuing the conversation is seen as you showing interest, regardless of whether you think you're flirting or not, they may misread you or just think you're a rubbish flirt.

What you could do is casually mention a girlfriend early-ish in the conversation, not in an in-your-face way but if she says she likes a TV programme you could say 'My girlfriend likes that'. Ordinarily I wouldn't recommend lying to people, but this is just a little white one so she doesn't get her hopes up.

The Corinthian

mike_ie wrote: »

But if you truly want to draw your line that far back in the sand, then tell a white lie. It's one of these scenarios that all out truth "I want to be alone! I don't want to even risk a relationship!" causes more harm than good.

You're projecting your own values there; just because the OP isn't interested in a relationship, doesn't mean that he's avoiding them out of fear or any other negative reasons. This is we don't know his reasons for this, as he hasn't told us, only that he's not interested in having a relationship.

Honestly, OP, you can go for 'white lie' approach or you can tell the truth and simply tell them that you're not looking to get involved with anyone. That's all; you don't have to expand and say because you just broke up with someone, or have too much on your plate in your life right now, or you don't do relationships, or whatever.

You don't owe them an explanation and if they try to get one then just tell them you'd rather not discuss it. That's all - it's none of their business.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship. It's a personal choice and should be respected. If they can't respect it or simply presume it's because there's something wrong with you, then they're the one with he problem, not you.

LegacyUser

^^^

I've been around long enough to know the signs, so its not an illusion, and just in case i was in any doubt they ask,

I've tried the, "sorry I've a girlfriend", but I get "whats her name?" in a split second, and I end up just saying "aaammmmm..." and its obvious im lying.

It happens alot in my regular pub, so if the "I've a girlfriend" line works, its where is she questions, and no, Im not gonna just go somewhere else, or lie to people, its one of the only places I like, my only social out let.

I've ended up with girls I didnt like because I was backed into a corner by her friends, and it was either just kiss her or get abuse or blamed for getting her hopes up because she liked me, Im an asshole etc. then its "I used her" when I insist I dont want do this and sorry I got to go,

Without having to resort to running away from women if they say hello, or ignoring them, which Im not gonna do,

Basically, what the best way to turn a girl down? without there being awkwardness or hard feelings or lying / made up girlfriends.

P. Breathnach

The worst place to turn somebody down is in front of other people: that involves loss of face. Even gentle deflection could impact on her.

In some circumstances it might be best just to give her your number and, if she follows up, tell her at that point that you are not a person for relationships.

thegreatgonzo

If you are not going to see them again you could give them a made up number.

Tokyo

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

If you are not going to see them again you could give them a made up number.

That's a pretty **** thing to do to anybody, in fairness.

thegreatgonzo

Well he doesn't want to tell a white lie about having a girlfriend and he doesn't want to turn them down in the pub for fear of upsetting them. So he can give them a real number, then turn them down and then risk having them call him a time waster or whatever or give them a fake number. Nobody is going to die of a broken heart over it.

Carrie Madshaw

Relax Don Juan.... I fail to see how this is considered a problem. If you don't want to get into a relationship with these woman then just be upfront and say that instead of pretending to have a gf and running away. I have this image in my head of Benny Hill running round a pub being chased by Barbara Windsor types.

I've never heard a man complain about such a thing before and tbh it sounds like you're either lying, showing off or are secretly Michael fassbender.

Idle Passerby

How about saying your in a long distance relationship? Thats why she isnt in the pub with you. Have a stock name and place she lives so you can answer the inevitable follow up questions.

Im guessing if these women are chatting you up and it sounds that way, the only reason they ask about the girlfriend is because after thinking they are making headway with you they don't want to seem like eejits by saying "girlfriend, eh? I'm not interested so". Nobody really has any interest in hearing about some randomers absent partner on a night out.

Or you could just blow them off by not showing any interest in speaking to them in the first place.

beks101

Yeah this sounds more than a little fishy to me tbh.

"Sorry I've got a girlfriend"
"What's her name?"
"Sarah" / "Laura" / "Jemima" / "Christina"

Single women are well used to this gig, hell I spent years inventing boyfriends and relationships for persistent / drunk / socially inept won't-take-no-for-an-answer men in social situations and even they wouldn't press beyond hearing I was already spoken for as it's not the done thing.

To be frank I find it hard to believe you're struggling to fend the women off if as you say you're not the world's biggest flirt and if the sort of woe-is-me tone of your posts is coming across in real life - where the hell are you hanging out, Coppers?

Just tell a white lie like any normal person or tell them you're not into hooking up but it was lovely to chat, hope they have a great night yada yada. If they have a problem with that it's their problem, not yours.

Frank Black

Wannastaysingleguy wrote: »

but after meeting or chatting with a girl or a group of girls for awhile they always ask for my number or to meet up sometime,

Have you ever wondered if there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking?

Czarcasm

Wannastaysingleguy wrote: »

Im a guy, 30, single and I want to stay that way. Ive no problem chatting to women, or having a bit of banter with them, I dont flirt, or lead anyone on, and I ignore any flirting they might do, Im just myself around anyone really, man/woman I dont care, and I get along well with people.

That's the essence of your problem right there OP. Either you're reading too much into it and thinking they're flirting with you, when they might not be, or, you're not cutting them off when you perceive them to be flirting with you. For a man in his 30's I have to say you're acting incredibly immaturely, and so it should come as no surprise to you that you attract what you put out there.

If you're not interested in a relationship, then don't give girls the impression you are interested in a relationship. By ignoring the obvious signs, you're automatically giving them signals that they have to turn it up a notch. That requires more effort on their part, and when you turn around and say "See ya now!", after knowing they were into you, that's asshole behaviour, and you shouldn't be surprised to be called out on it.

If you're not into a girl, let her know beforehand so she's not wasting her time thinking the conversation might go somewhere, there are plenty of other lads who she could be talking to besides a guy that's so wrapped up in himself that he fails to acknowledge that other people have feelings too. You don't owe these girls anything, but by that same token, don't take something from them either, like their time and energy. If someone is willing to give you their time and energy, don't waste it, that pisses people off. If you're straight with people from the get-go, they appreciate it far more than a guy who comes off like he's only looking to have his ego stroked.

Emme

I'd say tell them you're gay, but that wouldn't be fair on men who are genuinely gay.

It's unusual for guys to be hounded the way you're describing, are you sure you're not leading them on? Most men, now matter how good looking, would find it difficult to chat to a group of girls all night. Are you on your own or with male friends? If you're with male friends you could focus on chatting to them more rather than the girls.

Seriously, just tell them you have a girlfriend and it's long distance. Have a name and life history ready if they ask questions. It's better to say she's from another country because Ireland is so small.

If you're not interested in the girls don't stay talking to them if they're out on the pull. Guys don't generally approach a woman talking to a guy, especially if he's taller and better looking. If you're getting all the attention you say you must be a very fine physical specimen indeed.

kylith

wannastaysingleguy wrote: »

^^^

I've been around long enough to know the signs, so its not an illusion, and just in case i was in any doubt they ask,

I've tried the, "sorry I've a girlfriend", but I get "whats her name?" in a split second, and I end up just saying "aaammmmm..." and its obvious im lying.

You can either continue to make something up, or you could just say, 'Actually I don't have a girlfriend, I'm just not interested in meeting anyone right now and generally find that's the best way to deflect attention'. You get peace, she gets taught not to be so bloody nosey.

Oh, and if women are backing you into a corner to try make you get off with someone, that is sexual assault so why be nervous of being called names? Push them aside and walk off. Ask them if it'd be ok for a guy to behave like that.

Basically, what the best way to turn a girl down? without there being awkwardness or hard feelings or lying / made up girlfriends.

There isn't one. Either stop going out or learn to say no.

GreeBo

OP what is it that you think you are actually "turning down"?
Someone asked for your number, not your hand in marriage.

If you dont want to give someone your number because you dont like them fine, if you do like them but dont want a relationship then give the number and see what is happening, maybe they want to hang out, *just like you do*!

Of course if this is happening to you everytime you go out I can see how draining it must be for you...

Czarcasm

kylith wrote: »

There isn't one. Either stop going out or learn to say no.

The best way to avoid that awkwardness is to stop being so childish tbh. There's no need to be making up excuses or any of the rest of it. It wouldn't even go as far as having to say no if the OP wasn't behaving like a child in the first place.

There's definitely something not right about the way the OP is approaching this issue, but I think it's more to do with his lack of maturity than it has to do with the issue itself.

If I'm out and I'm approached by a girl, it's a bit presumptuous to think she wants anything more than just a friendly chat, unless she's outwardly displaying signals of wanting more than just a friendly chat, I wouldn't ignore it, I'd knock it on the head straight away, any awkwardness thereafter is her issue and not mine. It's that simple. The OP just doesn't seem to grasp that concept.

I have a cousin who thinks every man who might hold a door open for her is trying to pick her up. If a barman smiles at her, it's because he's hot for her. Ordinary politeness is interpreted as flirting. If someone asks where she's from, its because they want to stalk her.

Just saying.

The Corinthian

wannastaysingleguy wrote: »

I've ended up with girls I didnt like because I was backed into a corner by her friends, and it was either just kiss her or get abuse or blamed for getting her hopes up because she liked me, Im an asshole etc. then its "I used her" when I insist I dont want do this and sorry I got to go,

WTF? You mean her friends bullied you into sex with her? What did they do? Tell you, "ah, go on; just a quickie - don't be rude"? Threaten to tell your mates if you didn't at least swap spits or something?

Look, if you feel they're making a move or have gotten the wrong end of the stick, just tell them no. They're not your type. You're not looking to get into any kind of relationship. If they and you were the last man and woman on Earth, you would be the last man and woman on Earth. Whatever.

Now, I understand that rejecting someone is not pleasant and especially that women can often take rejection very badly, but that's life and at the end of the day, you can't always be diplomatic and when not it still is better to bite of the bullet, rather than walk on eggshells further into a pile of emotional excrement down the line.

Just be polite, but direct and firm. If they persist after that, they've lost the right to be treated politely. It's as much as anyone can reasonably do - male or female.

Candie wrote: »

I have a cousin who thinks every man who might hold a door open for her is trying to pick her up. If a barman smiles at her, it's because he's hot for her. Ordinary politeness is interpreted as flirting. If someone asks where she's from, its because they want to stalk her.

I suffer from that. I just presume that all unrelated women find me attractive and fancy me. Rationally, I naturally know this can't possibly be true. Delusional perhaps, but it has it's advantages.

The Corinthian

The Corinthian wrote: »

I suffer from that. I just presume that all unrelated women find me attractive and fancy me. Rationally, I naturally know this can't possibly be true. Delusional perhaps, but it has it's advantages.

Me too.

Although in my case, it's obviously true.

GreeBo

Candie wrote: »

Me too.

Although in my case, it's obviously true.

Whats true, the delusional bit?

I'd be similar, though I'd rather be that way than think no one fancies me!