What to do about "friend"

PIPoster

Longer post than I had planned...

(Mods, because I'm abroad it wouldn't let me post unregistered.. I do have a boards account but didn't want to use it. I hope it's ok that I registered a new one purely for Personal Issues? If not, I'm sorry)

Moved country a few months ago and have gotten to know a lovely group of people. We get on very well together, and I feel really comfortable with them. We're all pretty young with no families so we really are all each other has here, we hang out every weekend etc. However there is one woman who, as time goes on, I find myself unable to deal with.

She is, in my opinion, a very rude person who seems to have no idea how she comes across to people or how her statements and actions can upset people. I'm not the only one who thinks this, the others have complained about her many times before and completely recognise her behaviour, but they're still all friends. Now, of course this woman has good qualities too but for me the less desirable qualities are present way too often.

A few examples of her behaviour to give some context would be that she is extremely self-centred to the point where she will always bring the conversation around to herself. This change in conversation is usually about something negative and she would have no problem doing it even if we're at a special occasion e.g. someone's birthday (as has happened recently) She's extremely bossy and picky and will disregard other people's ideas e.g. if planning an event, very harshly. She will point blank say "I don't want to talk about this" when you're in the middle of telling her or talking about something, and then move on to something else. Up until now, these things bothered me but I could deal with them because she was like that with everyone and to be honest, I'm really not easily offended.

But today, we were having a lovely party in the afternoon, and she said something that really hurt me personally. We were talking about hair removal - methods, and areas haha. I was telling her about when I was younger I was very very paranoid and self-conscious about the hair on my arms. I told her that now I was ok with it, and I realise it's not actually that bad (based on my boyfriend's opinion, my friends back home, my mum, seeing other peoples' arms etc) ...she just said "Oh would you not remove it though, it looks really unattractive" I repeated what I had said about being personally ok with it now and she just says "Well whatever about how you feel about it, it just looks unattractive" I honestly had to hold back tears. I feel stupid for being so sensitive...but it's something I struggled with a lot as a teen, but have never really thought about much since. I'm home from the party now and I still feel really hurt by the comment.

I'm just not sure where to go with this. I'm annoyed with myself that I didn't voice how annoyed and hurt I was (but again, today was a special event and I didn't want to bring down the otherwise lovely atmosphere) It's tough because back home, I would just distance myself from this person because, in my opinion, she's just not very nice. But I'm worried about doing that over here because my friend base really isn't that big. The others really are lovely people and I know they would be really angry with her if they knew what she said to me. I felt like I was settling really nicely over here, but honestly this one comment today has just thrown me (silly I know )

Not sure what I'm really looking for...but I suppose some advice on how I should deal with this person, especially in the context of a new group of friends. Thanks x

ABajaninCork

If she's upsetting you? Blank her.

There's no reason why you can't continue on with the friendships you've already made, but maybe take this as an opportunity to expand your social circle, so that you're not quite so dependent on the friends you have now.

ahnow

Hi OP,
Firstly, pay no mind to her, she sounds like a petty sour bitch, and to be honest, it's her problem, not yours, and thankfully everyone else sees what she's like so at least you're not on your own. Just in case though, I wouldn't do anything too drastic, that might upset the group dynamic too much, just so you can still have your other friends.
I think the best way to handle it is to distance yourself from her as much as possible, minimise the contact when you're out with her, and give her nothing she can hurt you with.
I know it's hard when you're in social situations, but try not to give her an opportunity for her to get a dig in at you. I'm going through a similar situation at the moment, and these people are unbelievable. I personally find it really difficult to even have to anticipate that they might say something nasty, because I'm not like that myself. So when it happens it's like a sting from the blue-couldn't even anticipate it! And then I'm left reeling afterwards thinking, jesus, how did that happen?!
Next time she makes a comment, even though you might find it hard, leave it hang in the air if you can, or ask her to repeat it. You'll find a way to call her on it. It takes practise, but when it's handled in a non-confrontational way she'll show herself up all on her own.
The piece of advice I keep telling myself to help with stuff like this is to own your own power, so you don't have to fight anyone else for it.
Best of luck!

Tokyo

Honestly, I stick to the policy of 'spend time with the people you care about, don't worry about the people you don't'. And you can still be a part of your social group, you just don't have to participate in anything she has to say.

People like that are negative by nature, and aren't really happy until they have dragged others down to their level. I wouldn't bother engaging in conversation with her enough to let her offer an opinion in the first place, and if she does shove her oar in, let it wash over you. After all, what's proving to be more detrimental to friendships right now - the hair on your arms, or her ****ty demeanor?

IrishEyes19

you need to look back on your own opinions about her and realise thats exactly what she is, so these comments are pointless. I know they hurt at the time, but this woman just uses ammo to hurt people, so dont give her any. Her comments bear no reflection on your relationship with your friends here or life here, so remove this women from your company.

BlueFairy

Ugh, I'm not surprised you were holding back tears, what a horrible thing to say to someone.

I can understand too why you found it hard to say anything back to her, sometimes our brains don't kick into gear quickly when we are shocked or upset.

If she says anything like that to you again, say firmly to her that what she's just said is offensive to you and you'd appreciate if she wouldn't repeat that kind of comment to you again. It's a small step, but one where you can lay down the boundaries of behaviour that you'll accept from her. You don't have to argue with her, or justify what you've said, all she needs to know is that she's offended you and overstepped the mark.

She has no problems herself with saying things that upset others, and she gets away with it frequently from the sounds of it, so don't hold back from fear of upsetting her or disturbing the atmosphere. It doesn't need to be mean, just firm. If she gets dramatic about it just reaffirm, calmly, that you'd prefer if she kept offensive comments to herself. Other people will not mind (or at least they shouldn't) if you are simply, and calmly, asking for more respect from the people you choose to interact with.

Big Bag of Chips

When you're faced with something like that it's hard to have a thick skin and laugh it off - but if she ever says anything like it again, I'd be inclined to say with a laugh "Well isn't it just as well I'm not trying to attract you then?"

Some people are just really really tactless, and it doesn't matter if you say it to them, they still see nothing wrong. They're just "telling it like it is"! Although I often find with people who are very open with their "honesty" towards others, don't really appreciate the same openness and honesty when it's directed at them.

But again, there's nothing you can do about people like that. Best you can do is limit the amount of time you spend in her company. If you're in a group situation, try to ignore her as much as possible, and don't engage in conversation with her. Don't get stuck on your own with her. If she walks in and you're there on your own, get up and leave! You can suddenly have to be somewhere. She can only upset you if you allow her to. And the more you put yourself in her path, the more likely she is to upset you.

Merkin

I simply don't engage with people like that. You can blithely ignore people like this you know without actually being conspicuous about it. So in group situations you just engineer it so that you're never alone with her or ever have to exchange more than two words with her and certainly not about something as personal (and a subject you are sensitive about) such as body hair! If you're cornered with her, you need to excuse yourself to go to the loo or help the host or what have you. I find that if I don't give vile people like this person airtime they tend to go away. Just pretend she doesn't exist, surprisingly easy in group situations.

Big Bag of Chips

Merkin wrote: »

I find that if I don't give vile people like this person airtime they tend to go away.

Yep - people like her love an audience.. if you don't give her that audience she will seek out others who will.

PIPoster

Thank you all so so much for all of your advice! I feel much better about it today, more angry than upset which is progress. Last night I was more annoyed at myself that I let it get to me because I generally see myself as a confident person. It honestly brought me right back to the insecurities I used to have and it was just such an awfully personal thing to say to me, and the fact that she repeated it twice?! I think it effected me more too because I am in a new country, out of my comfort zone I suppose. This quote below completely sums up my reaction:

ahnow wrote: »

Hi OP,
I personally find it really difficult to even have to anticipate that they might say something nasty, because I'm not like that myself. So when it happens it's like a sting from the blue-couldn't even anticipate it! And then I'm left reeling afterwards thinking, jesus, how did that happen?!

But I'm not going to make that mistake again with her. The below is exactly what I'm going to try and do.

BlueFairy wrote: »

If she says anything like that to you again, say firmly to her that what she's just said is offensive to you and you'd appreciate if she wouldn't repeat that kind of comment to you again. It's a small step, but one where you can lay down the boundaries of behaviour that you'll accept from her. You don't have to argue with her, or justify what you've said, all she needs to know is that she's offended you and overstepped the mark.

She has no problems herself with saying things that upset others, and she gets away with it frequently from the sounds of it, so don't hold back from fear of upsetting her or disturbing the atmosphere. It doesn't need to be mean, just firm. If she gets dramatic about it just reaffirm, calmly, that you'd prefer if she kept offensive comments to herself. Other people will not mind (or at least they shouldn't) if you are simply, and calmly, asking for more respect from the people you choose to interact with.

I can see it happening though that she'll call me out on not speaking to her or hanging out with her, because I've seen it happen before if she feels people aren't "ok" with her. But I'll prepare myself for that.

Again, thank you so much for your opinions and advice. I feel much stronger and better able to deal with her now.

scarymoon1

Does she has ADHD or something?! People that say rude or stupid things usually have something else going on

Big Bag of Chips

PIPoster wrote: »

I can see it happening though that she'll call me out on not speaking to her or hanging out with her, because I've seen it happen before if she feels people aren't "ok" with her. But I'll prepare myself for that.

Of course she will! As we said, people like her love an audience. And if she starts losing that audience she'll wonder what your problem is! She will no doubt tell others that you are being a bit funny with her. She can't understand why. Doesn't know what happened. And you can be absolutely certain that if you turn it back to her and explain why, that you will get a load of "don't be ridiculous/so sensitive... Etc"

So your best bet is to just give non-committal answers to her, and continue to avoid her. If she asks, with fake concern "what's wrong?" Just shrug "nothing", and continue about your business. You don't have to be rude. You don't have to have a face-off with her. You just don't have to be best buds, with her!