Should I emigrate- again?

Shelga

Would appreciate other people's opinions on this as I am really torn. My boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me two days ago and I feel very hurt and alone. The background is, we both moved to England 2.5 years ago to begin a graduate scheme with a very successful and well-known company. I am from Ireland and he is from another non-English speaking EU country. We were friends straight away and gradually became a couple. However, he was very bad for my self-esteem, always making comments about my appearance and it never seemed like he was fully committed to the relationship, although we both tried and had good times too. There was always a cultural difference- I love the sense of fun and how down-to-earth Irish people are; he is much more judgemental and vain, and spends far too much time thinking about superfical things.

I know it's for the best that it's now over but I am so annoyed and angry with him and myself for being strung along for so long. We relied on each other far too much for company- codependence seems like a suitable word. He had met a girl from his own country at Christmas and told me he sees himself ending up with someone like her. Another reason I am angry- why did he waste another month of my time when he knew it was pointless. He is selfish, vain and weak in a lot of ways- I don't want to get back together, I just want to skip past the pain. By far the worst part of breaking up is not having someone to confide in, to talk to about your day, just to have a laugh with.

It brings me to the main problem- it feels like I've been delaying dealing with life here and have been distracting myself with him, and now I have to face things. I have been wondering if I should try a year or two in Australia, like I wanted to after college. Certainly I would have better chances with employment given my experience now, and the profession I'm in (engineering). However, the older I get (I'm 26), I realise that moving somewhere new is far from meaning instant paradise. It's starting all over again, although I do have one very good friend on the east coast who is encouraging me to come. I would also miss being able to pop back to my family any time, although I don't know if that is enough of a reason not to go.

It sort of feels like now or never. I also want to settle down and have a family, and moving back and forth to somewhere won't provide the stability I think I need. But it could be an amazing adventure- I've been there and really like the country. Also the location here in England isn't great- dingy city, depressing weather etc. But the job I'm in is well-paid and secure, although I have no massive passion for it.

TL;DR- should I take a chance and move somewhere new, or put more effort into the life I have here now? Both have pros and cons.

Very torn, will be giving it 2-3 months to make a decision either way, but would value other people's input greatly. Thanks for reading.

Idle Passerby

Sorry to hear about your break up. Its understandable that your angry, its still very early days after all. I wouldn't jump on a plane to Australia just yet. Its good that your giving yourself a few months to figure out what you want to do.

You mention just wanting to "skip past the pain". That's not really possible unfortunately and even if you did push it aside for now it will only come back to bite you later so you are better letting yourself feel hurt and angry in the immediate aftermath. Try to reconnect with friends and talk about how your feeling if you need to. I think right now its important that you have people around who care about you.

After the break up has settled a bit and your feeling a bit stronger, going to Australia could be a wonderful opportunity. You have good job prospects by the sounds of it, you already have one friend over there so settling in will be a bit easier and you are young enough to go over for a year or two and come home again if you decide to, with great work and life experience under your belt.

Since you have wanted to travel there in the past, maybe this break up has given you an opportunity to follow that dream. So my advice is go, but look after yourself first and don't go til your in a better place emotionally.

Tokyo

Yeah, I'm going to say that you need some time to separate the two issues here and deal with them accordingly. It has, after all, only been two days since you and your boyfriend broke up, and feelings are still pretty raw, and the temptation to just say "screw it" and run off to another country, any county, can be a strong one. It provides you with distance, a whole new environment, new climate, all in one nice package. But it doesn't really deal with the problem.

I assume that you are currently working in England, so either way you'd have to give fair notice. Honestly, I'd say nothing and stay in my current position for now, and focus on getting over the relationship first. Spend some time with friends, do some of the things you didn't have time to do when you were with your boyfriend. If you still feel the same way about leaving after a month or so, then start looking into it. I'd also recommend researching a job BEFORE you get to Australia - engineering isn't as hot there as you might think, as I found out when I was there. The impetus is to hire Australian engineers first if they can, so going there and hoping you find a job can be a long drawn out process, and a costly one. Research the companies that you're interested in first, get in touch with them and see if they are hiring overseas workers. It'll save you a lot of drama in the long run.

Shelga

Thanks for the advice. It's reasonable to say, spend time with friends to get over it, but part of the problem is also the awful realisation that I was one of those people who didn't pursue friendships to spend time with my boyfriend. Not that I neglected people per se, but should have made more of an effort with new people in this country. I'll be trying that from now on- meetup, sports groups etc. It's hard though. My close circle of best friends are now scattered all over the world since university. Generation Emigration I guess. Will try to keep my head up, thanks again.

Merkin

I'd book my ticket! You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain! Go and enjoy it.

zyanya

Do it! You only get one youth to enjoy, Shelga (that we know of), and remember, if it all goes to hell you can just go back home.

I wish I could have that opportunity - if you want it and have it, then close your eyes and jump!

Let me end with a few words from Janet Jackson "you see, you can't run away from yourself, because wherever you go, there you will be. You have to learn to water your spiritual garden. Then you will be free". If you decide to go, enjoy your trip, and make it one of self discovery and fun.

Cheers!

i was in the same boat. im now 30, very few friends around as they have all travelled, done there own thing, had kids etc and i relied on ex boyfriend. so please take time for you. so if that means taking 6 month career break if your allowed and see how you like australia. thing is you can always move back. if the job is still here for you thats an advantage. if not im sure you'll get another. you have nothing to lose. skype will keep you in touch with family members, etc. dont put it on long finger. next thing you'll meet someone else and it may stop you again. best of luck.