Depressed housemate

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I hope this issue doesn't seem awful but I could really do with some advice from people who don't know anything about me!

Basically, I'm a student living in a house with three other girls. Two of us lived together last year and we got on fairly well, give or take a few disagreements but nothing out of the ordinary. We are all in the same course and would be close friends. Myself and another girl were particularly close last year as we stayed up most weekends and we got on really well.

This year, the girl that I was particularly friendly with is severely depressed. She's had previous episodes of severe depression/suicidal behaviour and although she's been fairly well since I've known her, she has gone through "bad patches" lasting a couple of weeks and has always had difficulty sleeping. Looking back, I think she might always have been mildly depressed, even when she was well, if that makes sense?

However this college year, things have escalated rapidly. She had a lot of stress over the summer, and when we came back to college in September our course immediately became more stressful which she couldn't cope with at all. Things have been gradually getting worse since then and have gotten to the stage where she's been declared medically unfit to continue in college (it's a Heath science course, so there's a duty of care issue with patients) and she's taking the year out. She stays in bed most of the day but doesn't sleep at night although she often be asleep when we return from college, doesn't eat, crys all the time and doesn't participate in conversations. She is on medication and has been to a counsellor who she didn't find helpful. She is supposed to be looking for a new counsellor,but she genuinely isn't capable of being proactive.
I suppose my issue is that I don't know what to and I'm unable to cope with helping her any longer. I know these are all symptoms of depression, but it's hard to cope with her constant irritability, her dismissive attitude to any suggestions of help and the fact that she's so self absorbed. I know that this is completely unacceptable of me. It's got better recently but at the beginning of the year it was mostly only me dealing with this as I was the only one there at weekends. Saying that though, it's still too much for myself and the other girls. I find myself snapping or unable to feel any sympathy when she crys, though when I think about it rationally later I do feel sympathy. I know this behaviour is completely unacceptable of me. I'm not a patient or kind enough person to deal with this. Before all this happened I used to think of myself as a nice person who wanted to help people, now I know I'm not.

Her family try, but they're not particularly proactive or supportive and they have kind of a stiff upper lip attitude to the whole thing. She doesn't have any other friends apart from us and a couple of other people from our course. I think the best thing for her would be to go home. But I don't know if this is me just being selfish and wanting to not have to live with her. I feel sick even writing this thinking about how selfish I am. Sorry about how long and rambling this is, I hope it's somewhat clear.

JuliusCaesar

Is there a GP or College Counselling/Medical service that you can discuss your concerns with?

blatantrereg

I don't think you are selfish. You're not responsible for her. You are responsible for your patients and for yourself. I would guess that your study involves a very high workload. Any work in healthcare before full qualifications are achieved that I know of involves a punitively high workload.

Her family don't really try, by the sound of things. They are plainly not providing the level of support she needs, and are quite happy for you and your housemates to pick up the slack. This is not acceptable.

It sounds like it might be for the best if she went home. Unfortunately that is not up to you. Personally I would be wary of putting the suggestion to someone who was so badly depressed, for fear of causing them harm. However some people are very good at talking to people, so maybe you would be able to do that without fear. An alternative might be to contact her family and explain the situation and suggest they ask her to move home. The third option would be to look into moving house yourself.

I certainly don't think you are demonstrating selfishness in this though.

Tokyo

OP, I don't think you are being selfish at all. Of course we all want to help our friends where we can, but it sounds like your friend needs to be in a better environment than she is, with help at hand to get her through this. A college houseshare is not the place for this. Your first priority is also to yourself, college is stressful enough as it is, and if your work and temperament are suffering, then you have to do something for yourself too.

Have you spoken to her family personally, and explained the situation? They may not be fully aware of just how far she is spiraling downwards as they only see her now and again. HOnestly, I'd tell them the truth - that their daughter is not fit to be living on her own and in college at the moment, and needs help from a professional. Hopefully the family will see that, and get her the help that she needs.

If not, then honestly, I'd move out. You're at the stage where you have done as much as any friend could be expected to do. It's hard, but sometimes you have to realise that there isn't anythign more than you can do, and move on.