Friend Staying with me, Advice?

DeeAvery

One of my best friends has since September been living with me on and off. I live in a small studio flat with two rooms. A bathroom and then everything else. I don’t mind my friend staying with me as I like the company and he literally would be on the streets if he wasn’t with me. He has no support from family, is unemployed for health reasons and he also tried to commit suicide again over the Christmas. He’s spent the last month or so with me however this time it has no foreseeable end. My patience is beginning to wear out. He doesn’t pay towards the rent or food and doesn’t cook. All I have is 100 euro a week so I’m already struggling. He doesn’t clean and is very dirty and he won’t let me sleep in my own bed as the air bed hurts his back. It was my birthday last week and he didn’t even go to the party. I’m stuck in an impossible situation and I’m getting unhappier everyday with my private space is being invaded yet I can’t throw out one of my best friends. I just don’t know what to do. Any suggestions?

Tokyo

Why can't he receiver help from social welfare? Can't he receive Jobseekers allowance or rent relief in order to get his own place?? Disability allowance if he has a bad back??

Best friend or not, having someone in this situation stay for a couple o fweeks while they pick themselves back up is fine. Having them stay for months, living completely off you, lazing around the place, evicting you from your own bed and not doing anything to better his life is not. That, coupled with the fact that he has suicidal tendancies says to me that he's in need of professional help that you are not equipped to provide.

It's also worth mentioning that you may be risking your own tenancy by effectively turning your studio apartment into a living space for two people.... not many landlords would be happy with this.

Oryx

If he is brazen enough to take advantage of you this way, then he is not the friend you think he is. You need to make him leave, and without any apology for that. You've done enough.

makeandcreate

I'm afraid that you need to bite the bullet & have a serious talk. No rent, no food money, no cooking, no cleaning, being dirty - I wouldn't take this behaviour from my children (and they are under 7!). Can you arrange them an appointment with the council regarding housing, maybe see if someone like Simon can help, even find a shelter. Let them know it's not a rejection but that it's not healthy to be so on top of one another - that they come around and still be in your life but not stifling it.
As long as you accept it, they will just keep on choosing the easy option.

Tokyo

Apologies, I misread the timespan on the OP's post, but the advice above still stands. OP, if I am to read your post correctly, your friend tried to kill himself shortly before or after moving in with you. Either way, he needs to get help. And with the best will in the world, you can't do that for him. By letting him stay with you and wallow, it's just giving him a place to hide out and avoid dealing with his issues.

He may not have support from his family, but they *are* still his family, and I feel that you should contact them regarding what their son is currently going through. Your friend needs help and support. And you're not equipped to give that. IF you want to be his friend, tell him to leave, inform his family, and help him see a professional.

Merkin

Oh dear. You sound like a very kind and compassionate person but while you say you can't kick him out I am afraid that is exactly what you are going to have to do. He obviously sees you as a soft touch, and I'm afraid you are because I can't fathom why you would give up your own bed for someone. However his mental health and financial woes are too much of a burden for you to take on.

The way I would view it is this. While you feed him, clean up after him, give him a roof over his head and sacrifice your own bed for him what is his motivation for improving his life? There is none. Currently everything is being handed to him unquestioningly and to the detriment of your own well being.

He needs to either talk to the Simon Community, his local council or indeed to his family.

You need to put yourself first - you need to ask him to leave.

Oryx

Merkin wrote: »

You need to put yourself first - you need to ask him to leave.

You need to TELL him to leave.

Merkin

Oryx wrote: »

You need to TELL him to leave.

Totally. And I'd give him a definite date to move out by as well OP.

DeeAvery

He's on social welfare but he's not from Dublin and hasn't tried to change the post office he'd pick it up from. I'm on social welfare and genuinely looking for work and have done fas courses and jobbridges and they are so strict with me about everything I really don't understand why thy haven't cut him since he never pics his money up. He doesn't qualify for disability's as they don't regard his mental health problems as disabilities. Clap clap DSP and HSE for being backward. Though its his fault too as he won't bother taking his meds. That and when he does pick up his money he spends all on cigarettes, energy drinks and Pizza.

He is trying to get help but since he has no money or never really gets out of bed its difficult for him to go see someone. He won't go see anyone in the public health system. Which is fine as I won't either for lot of the same reasons. Mainly we're both LGBT and most people unless your lucky are un-qualified to deal with that.

Its the same about finding his own place since he never gets out of bed or off tumblr its difficult for him to find a place.

I suggested simon to him but I don't think anything came of that as he ended up with me.

Another best friend his looking for her own place closer to her work so shes planning on getting a second room so he can stay with her for a while and then with me and then with her again. We joke that we're like a divorced couple sharing a child. But shes having difficulty getting an affordable place with the housing shortage in Dublin and she works 7am to 7pm six days a week.

I understand that his mental health problems stop him from doing things but I really do believe its laziness too as he has good days we're he's fine. Though it doesn't help he stays up all night on tumblr and sleeps all day. Alot of his online friends (his only firsnds really) are in different time zones.

His family is not an option. His mother his the only person still alive in his family and she abused him as a child so yeah, not an option.

The is problem he has no regard for his life or being healthy. He'd rather be dead so he has no motivation to do anything.

Its an impossible situation.

DeeAvery

Merkin wrote: »

Totally. And I'd give him a definite date to move out by as well OP.

My brothers are coming up for st. Patricks weekend so I told him he has to be gone by then and this can't be a permanent solution. but March is ages away.

Merkin

DeeAvery wrote: »

Another best friend his looking for her own place closer to her work so shes planning on getting a second room so he can stay with her for a while and then with me and then with her again. We joke that we're like a divorced couple sharing a child. But shes having difficulty getting an affordable place with the housing shortage in Dublin and she works 7am to 7pm six days a week.

So you're supplementing him because he is too bone lazy to pick up his dole and this poor other girl is working herself to the bone and is thinking of getting a second room solely for the purposes of putting him up? Like I say, you (and your friend) sound very kind albeit a bit misguided. You're struggling enough as it is without propping him up as well. Tell him to go and pick up the backlog of dole he has and it should be enough for him to stay in a hostel until he gets sorted. Tell him to go and to be out by next weekend.

Oryx

He says he would rather be dead, but tbh, that may be a tactic to work on your sympathy. He will never change a thing while you enable him to be like this, and you are doing him no favours. Harsh as this may sound, his life is not yours to save. You are incredibly kind, but you are making his situation worse long term. You are making yourself responsible for him staying alive and putting yourself in place as a long term carer. This will not end unless you end it, and that needs tough love.

DeeAvery

Oryx wrote: »

He says he would rather be dead, but tbh, that may be a tactic to work on your sympathy. He will never change a thing while you enable him to be like this, and you are doing him no favours. Harsh as this may sound, his life is not yours to save. You are incredibly kind, but you are making his situation worse long term. You are making yourself responsible for him staying alive and putting yourself in place as a long term carer. This will not end unless you end it, and that needs tough love.

I'm afraid if I ask him to leave then it would make him feel rejected by the one of the last people he has in the life and it would spark him to do something like hurt himself again,

baby and crumble

Op, this guy needs a shock. I've been close to where he is (luckily never homeless but certainly the depression/ lack of motivation) and the only thing that helped was getting help. But I had to ask for it, not expect it.

A better way for you to help your friend is to help him with the following;

1) Changing his post office and sw office to one he can get to. This really doesn't take long.

2) help him apply for a medical card. Since his only income is job seekers, he will almost definitely qualify. That means he can go see a doctor for his depression, get his meds practically free, and get referred to a counselling service. I know you say that counsellors aren't qualified to work on lgbt issues but more than you think have it in their arsenal. And from what I read into your posts, perhaps his main issues aren't lgbt related but coming from his abuse.

3) Help him apply for the housing scheme. I know, it's unlikely he'll get anything, the queues are crazy long but at least if he's done that he can apply for rent allowance. (Afaik) which could help him begin the process of him moving on.

4) under no circumstances should your friend rent a place solely so he can have a free room. I'm all for helping friends, but there does have to be some lines drawn. Are you both willing to have him living with one of you if you get into relationships? Is he going to move with you to your next place? Still around in 5 years? Because unless you help him move on (which you're not doing now, you're helping him wallow), this will not end.

You only have a limited income right now yourself- you can't sustain this. Never mind looking after YOUR OWN mental health.

PucaMama

DeeAvery wrote: »

Mainly we're both LGBT and most people unless your lucky are un-qualified to deal with that.

I dont understand the above statement has his LGBT status something to do with his current problems? And if so why do u think a trained professional e.g. Psychologist are unable to deal with it?

Oryx

DeeAvery wrote: »

I'm afraid if I ask him to leave then it would make him feel rejected by the one of the last people he has in the life and it would spark him to do something like hurt himself again,

But he needs to see his behaviour is unacceptable and is what is getting him rejected.

Your house, you sleep in your bed. He helps out. If he cannot even do that, then I reiterate my initial point: he is taking advantage of your kindness and using his lack of motivation as an excuse.

thefeatheredcat

Your efforts and the efforts of your friend are really considerate and compassionate but in many ways are misguided and enabling his situation.

I would have to say that your friend organising getting a new place to live to include for a room for him is madness; does he even want to live there with your friend? What if she does get somewhere at considerable cost and is locked into a lease, finds your friend doesn't want to stay there and won't contribute to rent or anything? What if she no longer can afford the rent on the place and is forced to sublet the other room? What does your friend who you are arranging a whole life for, have to say about it? Where is his input, where is his want or his opinion on what you both have arranged for him?

This arrangement that yourself and your friend have made - this really isn't going to do anything for your friend except to let him continue as is. It's not going to sort of his behaviour, it's not going to lead him to going to a GP and getting help for his depression or counseling, it's actually just validating and enabling his behaviour to continue and that ye are quite ok with that and have decided you both are in the position of being offering unlimited dependency to him.

And I think you're dancing around the real issues here. He needs help, he needs to sort himself out and his life, to take responsibility for it, to get his bearings and find his feet again. What you and your friend are planning for him, is not going to do that. I would agree in part that he may be taking advantage of you, but I also think you are helping him to wallow and shying away from dealing with and facing up to his real problems.

I think really what you need to do is have a real talk with him about his life and situation. You need to face up that this sharing a bedsit cannot be maintained long term and if it continues then boundaries and agreements must be set in cooking and cleaning and paying his share. The extra room in your other friend's soon to be new place is only a temporary fix to a long term problem that has deeper roots. It will only work for so long until that solution is no longer viable.

It doesn't need to be a talk that is confrontational that he would see it as being rejected by his friends, it's really in the delivery of it. Agreements should really be made on both sides, that you would be willing to support him if and only if he is prepared to start facing his problems, sort out his life, transfer his social welfare claim (it is quite quick and easy to transfer a claim, as long as you have all - and I mean all - the paperwork they ask for there and then, it took only 15 minutes when I had to do it, armed with all the paperwork they asked incl proof of address and sorted immediately) and see a GP, take medication if there is something prescribed, find a counselor and start on a road back to being an independent adult. anything but that you take complete responsibility for him that he is left with wallowing and not dealing with his situation, avoiding attempts to sort it out and spiraling further out of control to the demise of all of you.

Now there is a risk that he isn't ready to face the problems or get help, or even doesn't want to; but you would have to encourage him to come to terms with things and seek help. I would suggest that you have a look at the sticky thread at the top of the PI section and consult an organisation in getting support for yourself and the other friend who is helping out in finding the best way forward in this situation.

I can understand you don't want your friend ending up on the streets and perhaps ending up in worse situations such as going down the road of long term homelessness, self medicating with alcohol or drugs, or falling through the cracks in the system, but the set up that you have is coming to a head, and the set up proposed isn't going to be much better and is more likely to drag out the situation a lot longer than necessary. Your friend needs help, and while you are in the fortunate position to be kind and charitable towards him, there is only so much you can do, until you are only making the situation unintentionally worse through letting it continue. Part of the issue in making it a better situation, will be his willingness to help you help him to help himself. If he is unwilling, not interested in taking responsibility for himself and cannot be encouraged, where does that leave you?

ahnow

Hi there, would you ring Samaritans or Simon to see if they could give you some practical advice? I don't know if it's safe to take anyone's advice on here to be honest, especially considering this person tried to commit suicide over Christmas. Some of the advice on here is pretty harsh, and clearly coming from people who have not suffered from severe depression and are aware of its debilitating effects. Anyone that's been through severe depression will tell you it's vastly different from just being lazy and purposely taking advantage of someone. Even the simplest of tasks are monumental. It sounds like he's just about hanging on to life, no motivation etc. He needs help beyond you, it sounds like too much for you to take on.
I would definitely ring a helpline and see what practical steps you can take to help resolve this. Even if he could go into St. Pats, or a similar programme to help get him back on his feet mentally. I understand why you wouldn't want to cut him off completely, when he's clearly that sick. But at the same time, the self sacrifice on your part is not helping you either. Best of luck.

The_Conductor

OP- we can't give medical advice on this forum- but from the little you've posted- the guy needs to be encouraged to seek professional assistance- you and your friend are not equipped to assist him, kind though you are both being to him. He needs help. If he is unwilling to seek it himself- you do reach the point where you have to take matters into your own hands.

LegacyUser

You sound like such a caring friend OP - but all you're doing is putting a sticking plaster over his problems.

Harsh as it may sound, you're not helping him to solve his problems, you're just giving him space to wallow in them. This is only going to hinder him long term. And you are causing yourself difficulties, because you are clearly having a hard time coping with him.

You have to realise that you can't fix him. You can listen and help, but really, providing what seems like an endless crutch is not going to help him.

I understand your fears for him - but you are not responsible for him, and realistically, what are you going to do - be there 24/7?

He's making you less than happy - and he is still in the same unhappy place, even with your sacrifices. It's just a pointless circle. You need to stop being his crutch honey.