Lost

Sin City

So myself and the love of my life broke up , I think its going on 2 weeks ago. She doesnt love me anymore. If that wasn't bad enough I found texts messages off another guy on her phone. We are/were together over 10 years through good times and bad with a mortgage and two adorable kids


Now I was hit for six when I found those texts. She says she didnt actually do anything with the guy but meet for a coffee. I do forgive her but I'm desperate to get her back. I'm depressed without her. Shes my best friend. I would do anything to have her back. I have no interest in seeing anyone else.

Im mminding my kids friday night so she can go out and meet her friend who just came back from Scotland for a gossip but it makes me physically sick that she could pull.

I suppose I have made a lot of mistakes in the relationship. I never got around to actually marrying her mainly for financial reasons and maybe because I was in my 20s at the time. The recession didnt help us either.

Now I have a job and can be drained for the night after kids went to sleep

Anyway I feel lost depressed and useless without her

Tokyo

OP, I'm sorry for your situation. Ten years is a long time, and a lot to maybe have to walk away from.

However, it's hard to tell exactly what is going on between you and your significant other, based on what you say. For example, you say that "She doesnt love me anymore" - has SHE actually used these words to you, are are you just inferring this from the situation at hand??

You don't really mention anything about her, other than the fact that she is out with a friend tonight while you are taking care of the kids. Have you both spoken about what has happened? About the text messages to the other guy? IS she interested in saving the relationship, or has she said outright that she doesn't want to be together anymore?? Or has she avoided the issue entirely? These are all basic questions that need to be answered before you can realistically make a decision as to where to go from here....

Sin City

mike_ie wrote: »

OP, I'm sorry for your situation. Ten years is a long time, and a lot to maybe have to walk away from.

However, it's hard to tell exactly what is going on between you and your significant other, based on what you say. For example, you say that "She doesnt love me anymore" - has SHE actually used these words to you, are are you just inferring this from the situation at hand??

You don't really mention anything about her, other than the fact that she is out with a friend tonight while you are taking care of the kids. Have you both spoken about what has happened? About the text messages to the other guy? IS she interested in saving the relationship, or has she said outright that she doesn't want to be together anymore?? Or has she avoided the issue entirely? These are all basic questions that need to be answered before you can realistically make a decision as to where to go from here....

Yes she has said she doesn't love me anymore
She avoids the subject of the other guy except to say. Nothing happened.
I know she doesn't want to hurt me but she has

Tokyo

Sin City wrote: »

Yes she has said she doesn't love me anymore
She avoids the subject of the other guy except to say. Nothing happened.
I know she doesn't want to hurt me but she has

Sorry to tell you this OP, but that's not good enough for her to just say that and expect the matter to be dropped. I think that you have a right to knwo what happened between her, and this guy, even if she doesn't want a future with you, the decent thing would be to tell you what happened.

You say that you want to forgive her and try to fix the relationship, but have you asked her what she wants?? "I don't love you anymore" pretty final statement to be honest, but has she expressed any interest one way or the other towards saving the relationship? This is a conversation you need to have. And if it cant' be saved, what does she propose in terms of one of you moving out???

The situation you are in can't remain the status quo. From the sounds of it you are living in limbo, still sharing a house with your partner, and not knowing what the future holds. Any decision, even if the decision is to go your separate ways, has to be better than that.

MugMugs

Sin City wrote: »

Yes she has said she doesn't love me anymore

There generally is never any coming back from somebody saying that to you. I'm sorry OP and I truly hope I'm wrong but how are you meant to negotiate that the one fundamental thing that keeps people together is gone? It's like a house with no foundation

Sin City

Hi mike. Thanks for the advice. Iv moved out already. I know what the logical and right thing to do is to move on but at the minute I cant. I keep reliving the good times over and over in my head. My ex has a flair for the dramatics at times. She has told me before , usually in the heat of the moment that she doesn't love me

As for the other guy she says that she met him for coffee. He already has a gf she said. They were just talking. Without being over dramatic myself im feeling obsessed now. I do love her madly and deeply im actually depressed without her. I know time heals all wounds but at this point I cant see that. If she tool me back I would go in a heart beat. A second chance to be with my family.

Sin City

MugMugs wrote: »

There generally is never any coming back from somebody saying that to you. I'm sorry OP and I truly hope I'm wrong but how are you meant to negotiate that the one fundamental thing that keeps people together is gone? It's like a house with no foundation

Now she has come back during one conversation saying that she does love me but not 100%
Just 75%
I think thats worth fighting for. She did say that I do deserve someone who loves me 100%

Btw I'm not going back on the I don't love you statement I just feel confused with possible false hope

nc19

Even if you manage to get her back it will only be because she feels bad or for the kids but it wont last and it will hurt even more then

Move on now as hard as it may be

Tokyo

Sin City wrote: »

Now she has come back during one conversation saying that she does love me but not 100%
Just 75%
I think thats worth fighting for. She did say that I do deserve someone who loves me 100%

Btw I'm not going back on the I don't love you statement I just feel confused with possible false hope

Then you need to sit down and talk to her. Its not going to be an easy conversation, and you may hear a lot of things that you don't want to hear, but if there is a chance of you both saving your marriage, then obviously it's something you are both going to have to want. Nothing we say here can really compensate for that. And you may very well hear that she *doesn't* want to fix the relationship, and you will have to accept that too, for the sake of both of you, and for the sake of your kids.

nc19

Even if you manage to get her back it will only be because she feels bad or for the kids but it wont last and it will hurt even more then

Move on now as hard as it may be

Sin City

mike_ie wrote: »

Then you need to sit down and talk to her. Its not going to be an easy conversation, and you may hear a lot of things that you don't want to hear, but if there is a chance of you both saving your marriage, then obviously it's something you are both going to have to want. Nothing we say here can really compensate for that. And you may very well hear that she *doesn't* want to fix the relationship, and you will have to accept that too, for the sake of both of you, and for the sake of your kids.

I think thats what im afraid of. The finality that the conversation brings. At least now I see a bit of hope in ignorance. However depressed I feel now I know ill feel a million times worse if it has definitely ended with no hope of any reconciliation.

As I said I had to move out. Still paying the mortgage crech fees bills her tv broadband a d pbone bills etc. Aswell as trying to sort out somewhere for myslef to live and rent

Its hard

Tokyo

Yes, it's hard.

But not has hard as not knowing. There's no such thing as blissful ignorance in this situation, there's just waking up every morning, hoping that it won't come crashing down, praying for a status quo that's already eating you up inside.

And you have kids to consider. A kid who is currently caught in the crossfire of two unhappy parents.

Bottom line is, you both have to have this conversation. If she wants to work on it, then it's a starting point, and counselling would likely help you both. But if she doesn't, then you need to stop flogging the proverbial dead horse, and let both of you move on. You also need to be practical in terms of paying for maintenance etc, it's not feasible to go on paying every bill while still trying to keep a roof over your own head at the same time.

Sin City

I know what ye are all saying and thanks I know it makes sense but I just cant bring myself to get a definitive answer. I have suicidal ideation. Im afraid what a definitive answer will lead me. In my present state of mind I know I'm alright. I'll think things but know I wont carry them out.

I know ill be alright. However the crushing reality and despair the ending of the relationship will be I also know I will go off the rails. . As in I know logic and good decision making will go out the window

Maybe this is alk just in my head and ill be fine
Id say that is a safe bet. However the alternative does actually scare me

Then again if she pulls herself and I find out that maybe even worse than knowing the relationship has ended

Tokyo

OP, if you are truly having such thoughts, then I highly recommend that you speak to somebody about your situation and how you feel. None of us here are qualified to advise you on this, but there are organizations out there that deal with situations such as yours on a daily basis. You're not in a good place right now, and I feel that it is important that you speak to somebody professionally about this.

Sin City

mike_ie wrote: »

OP, if you are truly having such thoughts, then I highly recommend that you speak to somebody about your situation and how you feel. None of us here are qualified to advise you on this, but there are organizations out there that deal with situations such as yours on a daily basis. You're not in a good place right now, and I feel that it is important that you speak to somebody professionally about this.

I'm well aware of the help that's out there. I know the steps to take if proper depression takes over. I'm not looking for sympathy or psychiatric help at the minute. Just advice on my situation

Sin City

mike_ie wrote: »

OP, if you are truly having such thoughts, then I highly recommend that you speak to somebody about your situation and how you feel. None of us here are qualified to advise you on this, but there are organizations out there that deal with situations such as yours on a daily basis. You're not in a good place right now, and I feel that it is important that you speak to somebody professionally about this.

I'm well aware of the help that's out there. I know the steps to take if proper depression takes over. I'm not looking for sympathy or psychiatric help at the minute. Just advice on my situation

Tokyo

Sin City wrote: »

I'm well aware of the help that's out there. I know the steps to take if proper depression takes over. I'm not looking for sympathy or psychiatric help at the minute. Just advice on my situation

The advice that we can give you is to speak to your SO once and for all, frankly and truthfully, so that you can either work on a resolution, or take the first steps towards moving on. As for how you are feeling, unfortunately it's beyond the scope of anything I'm remotely qualified to advise you with. All I can say is to hang in there, and speak to somebody more qualified to hep you with how you feel.

LegacyUser

At this stage I would say to her that after 10 years together that your relationship deserves more than her telling you she does not love you any more.

I would tell her that you want her to go with you to relationship counselling with you.
Tell her that you are not ending things unless she does this. I would also let her know that you are moving back to the house which you are paying the mortgage on.
If she wants to end thing she has to be honest about the reason/reasons why and she will also have to accept the fact if your relationship ends you can't afford to keep paying all the bills along with the cost of living some where else.

My feeling is there is a reason or a number of reasons why she wants to end things.
She may feel that you don't love her. Perhaps she thinks her male friend could become something more than a friend. I know some couples that think the grass is greener else where. They got involved with other people who are happy to string them along but the other person won't leave there wife/girlfriends or husbands no matter what happens.

I would also get some legal advice before you chat to her as you need to know where you stand in regards to the house and children.

Matteroffact

It could just be that she got a bit bored, got attention elsewhere and now she thinks she can live without you. This may not last though when she realizes that it isn't that easy to get someone else who wants to take on two children as well. So don't get too depressed about all of this OP, it may work out yet.

My advice to you though would be not to hound her, leave her be and don't ask her any more questions about how she feels or where you stand. Distance yourself for a while and let her feel what it is like not to have a caring partner pandering to her every whim. Falling at her feet will only alienate her further. You have to get her interested in you again and the way to do this is to have respect for yourself as a person. Value yourself if you want someone else to value you. Don't let her think you would come back to her in the morning if she clicked her fingers.

Also, you don't need to know the details of who she meets or how it happens. That won't do you any good. Just say "if that's the way you want it, okay, that's the way you can have it". Don't forget that two can tango and you can meet someone else too, probably easier than she can.

Now if she comes back crawling then and only then suggest going to a marriage Counsellor to sort yourselves out. No point in trying to force her to do this at the moment, because she doesn't know what she wants.

Stop the groveling.