A cry of help I want her back

railroader1974

Dear Board Members

This is a cry of help from a desperate human who made mistakes to the wise ones who been through it and have been able to accomplish what am attempting to do.

I was in this relationship for a year with a little break in the middle of it lasting about a month or so. K and I fell in mad love 5 min after we first saw each other head over heal, I even admitted to her that the night we met i had a boner just by looking at her. Me and this girl are soul mate everywhere we went heads would turn i was her rock and she is my world. When K smiled and those blue eyes sparkled even blind people saw her light and her ray. We had her little one living with us and i saw that girl as my own child and treated her so. We both laughed like at some of the dumbest jokes we had fun walking around walmart and just laughing till tears filled up our eyes.

The bad part now. Our relationship has hit a major snag resulting in me moving out and we as of now are under break up status. I miss her and miss that little girl cried and balled my eyes out as i feel and know that i lost my family.

Why did this happen well because i have trust issues from my past relationships and the horrible relationship i have with my biological daughter being used as a pawn by her mother in order to keep me alone and miserable and due to k also bad marriage shes been put down and treated like nothing for the 8 years she has suffered some of the most inhumane mental abuse in the world. I have cried several times when i thought of what my partner had endured. My trust issues pushed me to check up on her like phone records and found her fb she had me blocked from because of my immaturity we fought over i remove you and you block me bottom line it was initiated by me. Her issue is that she has male friends that she only talks to them while am not around and why she does it is because in her past 8 years she had to hide live like a scared little puppy as she was put down and treated like a dog for the most stupid things. I keep telling her honey its ok to have male friends i dont care but talk to them around me that way you get comfortable your new life and new reality and not have to live in continuous hiding for no reason i told her my insecurities are flared up by her actions that she doesn't mean rather than the male friends.

We both adore each other alot like insane love we cannot let go of one another but we also fought over dumb stuff. to her it was am not gonna allow another man treat me like dirt again guard and me the stubborn old dummy whos quite when caca hits the fan. She did cry many times because of me and her tears have landed on my heart like molten iron. Toward the end before i moved out she saw a quite man who worked alot to provide for the family, that in turn scared her and also made her feel unwanted or unloved by me so she was expecting me to walk out the door any minute. I also did use the term "stop or am leaving you" and being i was the soul provider of the house at that time it created this horrible unsafe unhappy environment for her. I realized how bad that phrase was and i told her honey i didnt mean it i will never abandon you nor will i let you or the little one be in harms way. I use that ****ty phrase as a way to tell my partner am hurting plz stop yelling plz don't deprive me of my pride and joy and that is her.

I am now at the point were i owned up to my mistakes with her and just started therapy. We both still adore each other alot and dedicate love songs to one another. She wants to fix this as much as i do and i want us to purchase a home and get engaged by july. in the past 48 hrs her attitude started to change shes shutting down and is angry at the situation shes in and i know one thing about K when she shuts down its over. I am still helping her financially just so that her and the child are not impacted by this pending us figuring out an outcome to this. My gesture alone should show her how i am not willing to let her down not matter what the situation is.

What i need now is help from the wise ones the one who did it how do you get your partner back what steps do you take what game plan do you have to set forth. How do you break down her fear barrier and grab her back into your arms. I am under going therapy but i was hoping she can agree to couple therapy. I dont want us to be separated for long time as distance will create a void. Plz folks help me its either her or i will die alone of a broken heart.

Penny Tration

I don't really know where to start with this..

You've been together for about a year, if I read that correctly? The way you speak about her is scarily intense.

You go through her phone and went through her facebook account? Sorry to be blunt, but no bloody wonder she waits til you're not there to speak to her male friends! If you're going through her private correspondence, you do not trust her, no matter how much you may say you do. Your actions spak much louder than your words.

And threatening to leave her if she didn't stop doing something? Bang out of order.

I'm probably coming across as very harsh here, but you're treating her very badly, you're being very controlling and downright nasty to her, from what you've said.

I think it's brilliant that you've owned up to your mistakes and sought help. Seriously, well done. That takes a lot of courage.

But the part that strikes me is that you have excuses for everything you've done. 'i check her private stuff because I was in a bad relationship.' that's no excuse. She is not your bad ex, she never will be, and you have no excuse for taking frustration with your ex out on her.

My advice? Don't get back together. Not yet, anyway. What you're describing is not a healthy, safe environment for her child to grow up in. Her child should never have to witness those sorts of argumentsand bbehaviours.

The other reason I wouldn't get back together is because though you say you have owned up to your mistakes, you have made excuses for them, so you're not really owning up, are you?

It does not sound like a healthy relationship by any stretch of the imagination. Sorry.

Grayfoxy

green_screen wrote: »

I'm probably coming across as very harsh here, but you're treating her very badly, you're being very controlling and downright nasty to her, from what you've said.

I think it's brilliant that you've owned up to your mistakes and sought help. Seriously, well done. That takes a lot of courage.

But the part that strikes me is that you have excuses for everything you've done. 'i check her private stuff because I was in a bad relationship.' that's no excuse. She is not your bad ex, she never will be, and you have no excuse for taking frustration with your ex out on her.

Firstly, I agree with everything Green has said, it does seem harsh, but unfortunately (like green I would imagine), there is no other real way to put it without sugar coating it and giving you a possible wrong impression)

Secondly, the Bold text, I had a bad relationship, she was having an affair with my best friend for 7 months, I do not ever, EVER spy on anyone's private messages for any reason, Facebook, texts, emails, whatever, if I had of, I would have caught them a long time before I found out. I think it is a gross invasion of privacy. Would I change my views now after what I have gone through? No. Simply put, if you have trust issues fine, but don't subject someone else to them. I am of the view right now in this moment in time that I do not want to get into a relationship, not now, maybe ever (lets be honest, this will probably change in the future), but certainly not until I have dealt with my own problems.

I think it would be a good idea to go and speak to a councilor to be honest.

Tokyo

That was quite an intense read. Shockingly intense.

The big thing that obviously bleeds through the surface here is that you have severe trust issues, checking facebook and phone records, amongst other things, and if I were to be honest, if it were your partner that wrote here looking for help, my advice would be for her to leave until you sought some help regarding these issues.

The way you describe this girl, it's almost like a dependency, that she's the sun, moon and stars, and you can't survive without her. Which is not fair on her, and certainly not healthy for either of you. Your partner should be there for you to accentuate your life, to make your day a brighter one, but not to carry you through it at her own expense. Don't get me wrong, you say that you love and adore this girl and I genuinely believe you, but it shouldn't be such an unequal relationship - you take a huge amount from it while she always has to give, and nurture you, and reassure you because of your insecurities. And you spent paragraphs describing your adoration for each other, while brushing the fat that you fought over dumb things quite a lot under the carpet almost as an afterthought. Obviously it wasn't, or you wouldn't be in this situation now.

OP, I think you are concentrating on the wrong thing here for now. The cause of the breakdown between you and her is *you*, not the relationship, and by just focussing on fixing the relationship to make everything better, you are completely avoiding the actual issue at heart here - you. You list out everything that has happened, but there doesn't seem to be any remorse for any of it at all, and I think you need to address that.

You say that you are seeing a counsellor, and I applaud you for that, as it is a big step for anybody to take, and certainly a step in the right direction. But use these sessions to focus on you -how *you* can be happier in your life, regardless of who you share it with. Because right now you are asking all the wrong questions - how to get her back, what "game plan" did other people use, how to "break down the barrier". You want it all fixed ASAP. Dragging her along to a couple of sessions of couples counselling isn't going to be the bandage that fixes everything, because to be blunt - the problem here isn't the relationship OP, the problem here is you, and a good counselor will go a long way towards guiding you through that and helping you in the way that you need.

What happens in the future after that, who knows. Good luck OP.

thegreatgonzo

Sorry to be so blunt but there is an innocent child suffering somewhere in the midst of that fairly incoherent account up there. Please get some counselling to deal with your issues before you traumatise the poor child.

oscar_mike

Try to see it from her point of view.... She just got out an unstable relationship and got into another unstable one with you. Whatever you do don't hassle, beg or pressure her any further and let her work things out for herself.

If you dont like her decision you'll just have to accept it and own the consequences of your behavior.