Bf's dad alcoholic

username890

Hi, not sure if this counts as a PI or RI so feel free to move it if it doesn't belong here.

As the subject suggests, my bf's father is a raging alcoholic and it has recently made me think a bit as things are getting quite serious. We are together for a year and our relationship is generally quite good. I met his parents quite early in the relationship as he still lives with them and I see them quite often (we are both in our late 20's). They are both lovely and treat me nicely and have accepted me as part of the family somewhat.

His dad is quite quiet and doesn't have many friends nor a social life since he retired last year. He is a nice guy but when he gets drunk, he gets quite verbally abusive and/or just weird (probably just drunk and doesn't know what he's doing). He drinks every evening and sometimes starts in the afternoon and generally gets totally pissed around 8-9pm. Now, when I say drink, I mean, he starts off with anything like beer or wine and he almost 'ALWAYS' dips into whiskey or brandy after 1-2 cans. I've seen my bf and himself having a row a few times and name calling is very often.

To be fair, he has never done anything to me, other than twice hugging me kinda inappropriately (very tight and a bit weird - my bf felt it too) and looking at me inappropriately a few times and commenting that I look nice (in a very uncomfortable drunk way). My bf knows his dad is alcoholic but he thinks it is too late to do anything about it seeing that he is an old man. He tries to spare me from the hassle and if his dad does anything that would make me uncomfortable, he always stands up for me/himself and tells him to stop straight away.

I know that realistically, there's a very very little chance of changing his dad in any sort of way. His mom has given up and my bf doesn't think he can change at such a later stage of life. Our relationship has gotten quite serious in the last few months and we are already talking about settling down together and starting a family in a couple years' time.

My biggest concern is that I don't know if I want to raise my children around an alcoholic grandfather seeing that his parents will be quite involved with childcare as I don't have a family here. Also, my bf is quite fond his drinks and I'm a little bit worried that the alcoholism might run in the family or somewhat affect him as he grew up watching his dad alcoholic father.

Am I being too sensitive or is this not really a big issue?

Tokyo

Hey OP,

I don't think you are overstepping your bounds by being concerned about your dad and your boyfriend, if this is developing into something serious. After all, it is going to impact your life in certain ways should you and your SO decide to start a family together.

Regarding your boyfriend's father, as you have correctly observed, unless he himself decides to do something about it, then there really isn't much you can do to get him change his ways. All the intervention stuff and whatever you see on TV, it doesn't work unless the person wants to change themselves, which by the sounds of your post, isn't going to happen anytime soon. I guess the only person that can read the situation at the end of the day is you - I guess if I were in the same shoes and I had kids, I'd be okay with them being around their grandfather while I was there, and when he was sober, but not so much if he were drunk. It's hard to say really, because unfortunately it's part of the Irish condition that there's no such thing as an alcoholic really, just guys that like their drink. It's something you'd have to use your own judgement on.

Regarding your partner, well that is your business. Have you spoken to him already about his drinking?? He obviously knows that his father has a drinking problem - has he ever expressed any concern about his own love of a drink or three??

username890

My bf likes a drink or two but he wouldn't drink to the extent where I would consider him as an alcoholic. I've seen alcoholic people and he is definitely not alcoholic as far as I can see. Obviously I've seen him drunk and acting the maggot the odd times but he wouldn't be bothered if he didn't have a drink. Obviously he would only drink during the weekend and the odd times during the week maybe.

I do understand the culture bit here and as scary as it looks, I've also accepted the fact that it is just the way things are done here.

I wonder if anybody had an alcoholic grandparent? :P

Tokyo

username890 wrote: »

I wonder if anybody had an alcoholic grandparent? :P

Yes, and I'm sure plenty others here have had too.

ahnow

Hi OP, just wanted to put my two cents in. I had an alcoholic grandparent, and unfortunately he turned out to be my abuser as well.
I wasn't going to post on here, but that you said he had been a bit "weird" and leery with you, it stuck out at me. The rate of abuse by family members is much more common than you would think, and is often confounded by alcohol abuse.
I'm sure there are plenty of people who have alcoholic grandparents where that has not happened, but if someone isn't afraid to be a bit creepy around you, and show you and his own son a very fundamental curtesy, when do they draw the line?
If you ever have children, just don't ever, ever let them be alone around him, don't let that situation even have a chance. Not worth the damage. I'm well aware that this hopefully would never be an issue, but feel it's worth mentioning anyway.
Would you have a frank discussion with your partner about your concerns about him, and the alcoholism running in the family? I know plenty of people, my family included where the cycle of alcoholism stopped at the child of the alcoholic parent, and it has never been an issue. Could well be the situation with your partner that it wouldn't be a problem. Sometimes coming at a difficult situation with an openness and kind directness can offer a breath of fresh air into the whole thing. I think it's part of the Irish culture, especially with alcoholism, not to speak about it because of the shame and secrecy associated with it, but tackling the elephant in the room sometimes isn't as bad as we might think.

alias06

username890 wrote: »

Also, my bf is quite fond his drinks and I'm a little bit worried that the alcoholism might run in the family or somewhat affect him as he grew up watching his dad alcoholic father.

Am I being too sensitive or is this not really a big issue?

I don't think you are being overly sensitive. It is a big issue. You should be concerned for a number of reasons.

First because you bf's dad is a very bad role model for your bf and something you should be concerned about. Whether we like it or not we are very much affected by the environment we grew up in and we do to a large extent fall into following out parental role models, unless we make a very conscious effort not to. And secondly because you say your bf is fond of the drink himself. How much does your bf drink during your average week? Many people who have seen alcoholism in the home turn away from drink completely. But your bf is not doing this. I'm not saying your bf is going to turn into his dad but it is fair enough to be concerned about it.