completely torn

LegacyUser

I am going out of my mind and I hope you can help me!

After numerous dating disasters, heartbreak and misery... I think I finally may have a chance of true happiness. The problem is... I met two amazing guys just a week after each other recently and was completely swept away by them both.

The first guy I met (Paul) is a successful business man and runs his own company. We met at a mutual friend’s engagement party and got on well right from the moment we were introduced. At the end of the night he asked me for my number and we later arranged to go on a date a couple of days later and the date went really well and we were both happy to meet each other again.

A few nights later, I met another wonderful guy (James) at a Christmas party. I couldn’t believe how much we had in common and by the end of the evening, even though we had just met, we both felt like we had known each other for ages. It was surreal how much we are alike in our ways, interests etc.. We swapped numbers at the end of the night and arranged to go on a date shortly afterwards and it went very well also.

I don’t normally date more than one guy at any one time – it’s not my style and I’ve never had the option to do so before either!!! But I couldn’t resist a date with either guy and as I’m single and as it never happened me before, I thought sure why not!? What a disastrous decision that was!!

My head is absolutely wrecked. I have been texting both guys for 3 weeks now as I like them both very much and both have now said to me that they would like to take things further as in start a relationship. I am going out of my mind!! How is it that after meeting so many Mr. Wrongs, that when I finally meet someone that could be Mr. Right... I meet two at the same time!!!

I know this sounds crazy, but I went to a fortune teller last year and to date, approx 80% of what she said has come true since then. One of the things she told me was that I would find love again, it would be with a tall man with dark hair that does well for himself and he would be my soul mate. He was sitting down in the card she showed me and said that she could see us living in a house near water and that we would travel away together and she mentioned some other things as well.. .A lot of what she said to me about my soul mate, matches Paul perfectly. So if he’s my soul mate, then why can’t I just choose him!?

The thing is, he lives almost two hours drive away from me. He’s an entrepreneur, so he is always working crazy hours and I would be lucky to get to see him for a weekend every 2-3 weeks at best. So that means we could never really plan anything, I’d only know we would be able to meet up maybe the day beforehand and I am afraid I would be feeling disappointed / lonely when I wouldn’t get to see him as often as I would like. Then when we do meet for a date (we’ve had 3 dates), he is so tired or stressed about work that I feel like he’s not really relaxed around me and that I am in the way somehow.. Like he even said to me that he always has something for doing and is always working or doing something to do with work. I am afraid that if I was to be with him, I’d be down in his list of priorities. I am afraid that I would only be his ‘sometimes’ and that’s not what I want.

I told him of my concerns and he was a bit taken aback by it and said that he did really like me and hoped that we could make a relationship work and that he would try to get every second weekend off as he did want to have more of a life, rather than just be working all the time.. but I don’t see him making much of an effort. It’s me that’s always asking for dates and asking when he’s free. He always answers my questions with a ‘maybe’, ‘sometime’, ‘hopefully’, ‘that would be nice’ ... when I try to figure out if he is actually serious about us..

I really do like him, we have great fun together, he does treat me very well when we are together, I know he does want to change his life and have more of a work life balance and I know he is looking for a relationship and I understand that his work is important... but I am afraid to make a move as I am afraid that work will always come first no matter what he says and I’ll just be his ‘sometimes’..

Then there is James. As it happens, he lives about 15 minutes drive away from me and he really does care about me an awful lot. We have also had 3 dates and he is absolutely dying to become boyfriend/girlfriend. He says he hit the jackpot when he met me, he has never felt so happy and that its all down to me!

We get on so well together it’s unbelievable and I could see him all the time and we have so much in common that I know we would be great together and I’d never feel like his ‘sometimes’ as he works similar hours to me so seeing each other wouldn’t be a problem and he can forget all about work as soon as 6pm comes, so no stress.

I genuinely could see myself with both of them, I feel happy when I am with them and I like them both very much. But I just don’t know what to do. I feel stuck. I need to choose and I don’t know how.

I was thinking of going on one last date with them both and ask some tough questions / see how I feel about each after the date and then just go with the one that makes me feel happiest... ?

Is there any questions I should be asking or what kind of questions could I ask to find out if I have a future with either of these men?

Or should I just walk away altogether?

All I want is to be happy... nothing ever goes right for me with relationships, I always end up with a broken heart / been cheated on etc and maybe I have met my soul mate this time, but my fears are in the way..

Any help / suggestions would be so much appreciated...

Thank you!

Frank Black

My advice would be to not base any of your life decisions on what a fortune teller has told you.

Merkin

OK, I'm going to go easy on you here because you sound like a nice girl but also someone who is terribly naive.

You have just met these men and have had a handful of dates and you're talking about soulmates and happily ever afters which is premature and misguided because it is foolish to go on dates at such an early stage with thoughts like that. You need to get to know someone, faults and all, in order to establish if it has a chance of working. You barely know these men.

Also, depending on some Mystic Meg for relationship advice is a bit strange. You seem to have had your head turned because of Paul's success in business/money and yet to all intents and purposes he doesn't treat you well at all - in fact he sounds like a bit of a workaholic plonker who is self-absorbed and who doesn't really have time for a relationship. I've been with someone like that and you don't want to go there. Your self-esteem must be pretty low if you find the following acceptable:

Wicklowlass wrote: »

The thing is, he lives almost two hours drive away from me. He’s an entrepreneur, so he is always working crazy hours and I would be lucky to get to see him for a weekend every 2-3 weeks at best. So that means we could never really plan anything, I’d only know we would be able to meet up maybe the day beforehand and I am afraid I would be feeling disappointed / lonely when I wouldn’t get to see him as often as I would like. Then when we do meet for a date (we’ve had 3 dates), he is so tired or stressed about work that I feel like he’s not really relaxed around me and that I am in the way somehow.. Like he even said to me that he always has something for doing and is always working or doing something to do with work. I am afraid that if I was to be with him, I’d be down in his list of priorities. I am afraid that I would only be his ‘sometimes’ and that’s not what I want.

I told him of my concerns and he was a bit taken aback by it and said that he did really like me and hoped that we could make a relationship work and that he would try to get every second weekend off as he did want to have more of a life, rather than just be working all the time.. but I don’t see him making much of an effort. It’s me that’s always asking for dates and asking when he’s free. He always answers my questions with a ‘maybe’, ‘sometime’, ‘hopefully’, ‘that would be nice’ ... when I try to figure out if he is actually serious about us..

The James guy sounds a bit nicer but again, telling you he has hit the "jackpot" after just three dates is making me clench my bottom such is its level of cringe.

I don't really know what to advise you but I would say don't depend on a fortune teller to guide you on life decisions. Don't have your head turned by someone's apparent success/money. Don't go on every date thinking this could be the "one" and maybe just chill out a little. I think Paul sounds like a plonker and maybe go on another date with James and tell him to relax the cacks. You don't need to feel pressure to get into a relationship with anyone until you're good and ready - the fact that both of them are jumping over themselves according to you would be ringing warning bells in my head but that's maybe because I'm a cynical old bag and I see where that usually ends up.....

ElleEm

Scrap what the fortune teller told you, for one!!

You chose to write the above post based on what you felt was important to paint the picture of these men. When you spoke about *Paul, you introduced him by his job. You then spoke about A LOT of concerns and not feeling special or prioritised.

When you discuss *James, you introduced him as "wonderful", and said how much you have in common with him and only really wrote about good things.

Objectively, I would say you like the second lad more. He fits in with your life and you fit into his. You have things in common and you know he cares about you and wants to take the relationship further. It sounds like you would be a second best to Paul and his job right now. That may not be forever, but you say yourself, you haven't had luck in the dating scene so why would you get with someone who won't make you a priority RIGHT NOW?!

JaneeMack

I agree with above poster. I'm really sorry but you do sound very naive and unexperienced from the way you describe them.

First of all, forget about the fortune teller. I can understand why you want to go see a fortune teller, we are all afraid of uncertainty and what not, but seriously, don't base your judgement on what the fortune teller said!! PLEASE!!

Secondly, it sounds like you already know the answer - you sound like you like the second guy better and see more happening with him. But like the above poster said, I'd tread very carefully and take things slow. One of the warning signs I would look for in a man would be falling for someone too deep too fast.

Matteroffact

Paul

He lives 2 hours away
He is only available every 2/3 weekends at best
You are the one suggesting dates with him (not a good sign at all) !!!

James

Lives 15 mins away
You can see him more regularly

There are no questions that you can ask either of them after 3 dates.

On face value Paul is not coming up to scratch as he is not initiating dates and is only available every 2/3 weeks. I wouldn't be bothered with him.

James is the best option for now but don't expect to live happily ever after after only 3 dates. He is starting out better than Paul though.

Loughc

I seem to be Team James on this, Paul seems to be giving you trouble with regards spending time together and seeing how the start is usually when ye see the most of each other that would be a bad indication if he can't spare the time to woo you now.

ladygirl

Team James

Idle Passerby

Hi OP, I know after a long dry spell it can be difficult when several options turn up at once. It sounds like you are treating this situation as if one of these men is definately your 'soulmate' and making the wrong choice will mean no happily ever after for you.

A fortune teller told you your soul-mate is tall, dark and affluent (did she also mention handsome by any chance?) Ive never heard of a fortune teller saying 'your true love will be short, overweight and penniless'. She told you what you wanted to hear and now rather than using your own judgement your falling back on a description of an imaginary man given to you by a stranger.

The reality is you don't know either of these men well enough to know if they would make good partners. So rather than trying to calculate which of them might turn out to be your soulmate, think about which of them you have a better time with. If both of them wanted to meet you on the same night, who would you rather hang out with?

FollatonWood

To be honest, if either of these was your actual 'soulmate' as you put it - I'd be damned sure you wouldn't even be in this predicament of not knowing who to choose.

bluemagpie

It sounds like the only reason you want to see Paul is because of the fortune teller, whereas you appear to have more interest in James.

I wouldn't bank on either being your story ever after but at the very least make your own decisions in life rather than basing your life on a vision that someone else may or may not have seen.

thegreatgonzo

From what you say, James is the obvious choice. But I'm sorry OP, admittedly I'm cynical about these things but you seem the type of girl that it would make it easy for a chancer to figure out the right things to say to you to get what they want. All this talk about fortune tellers and soulmates...cool the jets with this guy and take things slowly, it's only been 3 weeks!

oscar_mike

find out which one you are more sexually compatible with, its kind of a big deal. Oh and ditch the fortune teller

Legs.Eleven

I've gone out briefly with a guy who had no free time and it's soul destroying and can really knock your self-esteem and make you second guess yourself and your relationship. It's pathetic having to fit yourself around someone's chock-a-clock timetable. I'd try things out with James as he sounds more keen.



As others have said, though, take it easy. And ignore the "advice" of so-called psychics.

Stavro Mueller

To go off-topic for a moment, I suggest you take a read of this http://www.psychicscience.org/coldread.aspx

Back on topic, it makes more sense to go out with James. This bit about Paul makes me think he's all talk and no action.. but I don’t see him making much of an effort. It’s me that’s always asking for dates and asking when he’s free. He always answers my questions with a ‘maybe’, ‘sometime’, ‘hopefully’, ‘that would be nice’ ... when I try to figure out if he is actually serious about us..