Lonely returned emigrant

LegacyUser

I know the title sounds like a book a lot of us will write years from now, but for me it's a reality and it's getting me down. I spent over 10 years living abroad and my closest friends are scattered across the world. My parents are both in poor health and with only me to help them out I took the decision to move 'home'. I was lucky to eventually find a good job and so that aspect of my life is ok (I know it could be worse!) but honestly I am so incredibly lonely and I don't know what to do. I don't have any old friends here and outside of the people I interact with in my workplace (who are the type who don't socialise outside of work) I never really talk in person to anyone except my parents.

I was single for years and it never bothered me, and I've never been the type to feel lonely when alone. When I first came back I started a relationship, but it wasn't a healthy one and although his company bolstered me from being lonely, it wasn't a happy situation. When the break finally came my loneliness was compounded and every day I'm upset by it.

In terms of joining clubs etc. I don't have a lot of free time with a demanding job and caring responsibilities. I am stuck in a massive rut of solitude and just can't shake this off.

Emme

SoddyDaisy wrote: »

I know the title sounds like a book a lot of us will write years from now, but for me it's a reality and it's getting me down. I spent over 10 years living abroad and my closest friends are scattered across the world. My parents are both in poor health and with only me to help them out I took the decision to move 'home'. I was lucky to eventually find a good job and so that aspect of my life is ok (I know it could be worse!) but honestly I am so incredibly lonely and I don't know what to do. I don't have any old friends here and outside of the people I interact with in my workplace (who are the type who don't socialise outside of work) I never really talk in person to anyone except my parents.

I was single for years and it never bothered me, and I've never been the type to feel lonely when alone. When I first came back I started a relationship, but it wasn't a healthy one and although his company bolstered me from being lonely, it wasn't a happy situation. When the break finally came my loneliness was compounded and every day I'm upset by it.

In terms of joining clubs etc. I don't have a lot of free time with a demanding job and caring responsibilities. I am stuck in a massive rut of solitude and just can't shake this off.

Do you live in the Dublin area or in the country? Regardless of the demands on your time there might be a meet up to suit you if you live in Dublin. If you live down the country it might not be so easy.

Is there anyone in your extended family to help with caring responsibilities?

beks101

I feel for you OP. You seem to have a lot of stress in your life. I hope your parents recover soon.

I think people underestimate how difficult it can be to move home after a long stint overseas. You think you'll just "sink back into it", forgetting that the country has undergone a massive transformation and aside from the reverse culture shock you have to deal with, there's been a mass exodus too.

I recently returned home temporarily and found the silence deafening tbh. Loved being home, the family time which is priceless, the fresh air etc, but it really was a struggle to adjust when my once hectic social life and the daily invites to things and weekly events just dissipated. I ended up leaving again before it became a real problem but I understand what you're going through.

Do you have any old friends still at home - or perhaps friends of friends from when you last lived at home - who you could re-connect with? When I was back I went for lunch and drinks with two old school friends who I hadn't been in contact with for close to a decade, just by sending facebook messages and saying I was back and it would be great to meet up. They were chuffed that i reached out tbh and I was glad of the company and 'new' friends again, so it was win win.

Think back on your social life when you last lived in Ireland. Clubs you were involved in, hobbies you had, old neighbours, flatmates, old school friends who may still be living up the road and would only love to catch up with you.

Even siblings or cousins, long lost relatives can be a good social source. My younger sister has a great bunch of friends still at home who I only really would've known through seeing them in the house etc growing up. She told me to drop one of them a line when I was home which I did, went out with them all and got p1ssed, had a ball with them!

I know things seem quiet and it seems like the end of your social world, but if there's one bit of advice I'd like to give it's to not be afraid to reach out to people you half think might be a good source of company - for the most part, people will be flattered and delighted that you thought of them. You really have to take the initiative though, which I know can be scary, but people won't come knocking - you just have to take the first step.

Obviously expanding on hobbies and joining associated clubs is a great idea too, but I appreciate you don't have a lot of free time on your hands.

December2012

Contact your local public health nurse to discuss what care and respite possibilities are open to you and your folks. Something like a getting up / putting to bed service may be appropriate, or a home help, home visit, or day centre relief.

Then you can see how much free time you have.

I see a lot of people talking about meetup.com as a great way to make friends. It's all very well to say "join a club" but again from what I hear meetup.com is for people who want to make friends. I know in clubs it's not always that easy!

There is an online dating section on boards, there are boards beers every now and again; I'm sure if you PMd a mod they would point you in the right direction.

LegacyUser

OP again, thanks for the kind words and responses. I live 'down the country', not quite rolling fields and haybales but not an urban centre either. I don't have any family closeby so it's just me, and with one parent here and the other in hospital a 4 hr round trip away (that I drive every weekend!) my free time is pretty non-existent. I still find lots of time to be lonely though miraculousy :rolleyes:

As suggested I've tried looking up people I went to school with on facebook etc. but I left here in my late teens and they either don't remember me (as awkward as it sounds) or they accept the friend request and delete me shortly after (worse than being forgotten lol). It's incredibly hard to break into an existing circle of friends, and in my 30s I find it near impossible. I am sociable and have a group of very close friends (all abroad) and an extended circle of friends/acquaintances overseas so I know I'm doing something right, I just don't seem able to crack it here! It's much easier to meet men (potential boyfriends) than it is to meet women to be friends with.

PS Thanks for the tip re the Public Health Nurse - much appreciated

JuliusCaesar

It takes about two years to settle, so dont expect to slide in straightaway. Also, you do need to make a positive effort to join things (meetup.com, amateur dramatics, Macra, tennis or golf club etc etc) even if what's available wouldn't be your first choice. If you are in your 30s, most people your age have gone back to their family for socialising while rearing families and you might find that hard to break into. You'll need to find other single women and you'll find them in the clubs doing stuff.

Emme

SoddyDaisy wrote: »

OP again, thanks for the kind words and responses. I live 'down the country', not quite rolling fields and haybales but not an urban centre either. I don't have any family closeby so it's just me, and with one parent here and the other in hospital a 4 hr round trip away (that I drive every weekend!) my free time is pretty non-existent. I still find lots of time to be lonely though miraculousy :rolleyes:

As suggested I've tried looking up people I went to school with on facebook etc. but I left here in my late teens and they either don't remember me (as awkward as it sounds) or they accept the friend request and delete me shortly after (worse than being forgotten lol). It's incredibly hard to break into an existing circle of friends, and in my 30s I find it near impossible. I am sociable and have a group of very close friends (all abroad) and an extended circle of friends/acquaintances overseas so I know I'm doing something right, I just don't seem able to crack it here! It's much easier to meet men (potential boyfriends) than it is to meet women to be friends with.

PS Thanks for the tip re the Public Health Nurse - much appreciated

OP, I hope your parents' health improves or at least stabilizes enough for you to organize a social life for yourself.

It's good that you can meet men, at least that option hasn't been closed to you. It would be worse if you had come home in your 40s and there were no single men available or interested in you. Imagine how isolated you would feel in that situation? It may not be ideal, but some people are showing interest in you. Can you work on being friends with men rather than just going out with them.

Perhaps the local single women your age are jealous of you. You went away and made something of yourself while they stayed local and here you are home with all the local fellas chasing you. That might not go down well.

I know it's good to have women friends but don't knock the possibility of a good relationship. It could be a source of support to you in your situation.

Even if you don't live near Dublin or a major city there might be a meet up group to suit you nearby. Kilkenny has a good meet up group.