Housemate noise issues

LegacyUser

Hi all

I hope I am posting in the right forum- I was torn between PI and Accommodation. I'm hoping to air an issue here and get peoples perspectives on whether I'm being unreasonable. Oh and be warned this is long (aren't they always?!)

So I am living in a small 2 bed house with a friend. We aren't good friends more acquaintances really but generally get on well. Our house is a terraced 2 bed and it is quite old and noise travels really easily as the walls are thin and there is little insulation.

My housemate and I are on separate schedules. I work M-F, 9-5 and live a fairly quiet life, like routine, etc. At weekends I might go to the pub and come home round 2am and my boyfriend usually stays one night a week/one night a fortnight.

My housemate works in hospitality (has done for years) and so comes home around midnight/1am during the week and maybe 3am at weekends. Sometimes when she arrives home she wakes me- going up the stairs, in/out of the bathroom but nothing annoying and absolutely nothing she can avoid. I would make the exact same noise, it's unavoidable and is not disrupting.

A few months ago, we had an issue where she was bringing friends back to drink at 2am/3am in the morning and they were generally being loud downstairs -talking/being rowdy, up and down the stairs like yo-yos until maybe 6am. On one occasion, her friends nearly turned violent (i was upstairs listening to this as they had woken me up) and they left. I told her I did not want those friends to return given their manner and she apologised and said it wouldn't happen again. I also made clear at this time that given the size of our house, it would be preferable when having friends back to ask them to keep their voices relatively low as the noise was travelling all-round the house and I could hear their conversations word for word from upstairs. She again apologised.

Everything was fine for a few months. I think she probably had a few friends now and then but they were quiet where possible and so did not affect me (this was generally a Thursday/Friday night and they would be up until 4am)

Anyway fast forward to last week and she arrived home with some random guy/friend at around 2am. They briefly woke me up when they came in the front door (unavoidable noise I didn’t mind) and sat downstairs for a couple of hours talking (again their voices were low and they didn’t disturb me, I actually fell back to sleep). Fast forward until just before 4am they came up to her room and proceeded to have a conversation at normal volume until approximately 6am (when I say normal volume, I mean the voice you would use during the day in work) I heard their conversation WORD FOR WORD in my room – no attempt was made to lower their voices even a little or whisper and they talked for approximately 2 hours. At one point, I heard a whirring noise (maybe a hairdryer or something) and I heard my housemate speak louder to talk over this noise (the noise lasted approximately 10 seconds). By this stage I was ready to blow a gasket. They had been speaking for approximately two hours and may as well have been in my bedroom. It was almost 6am, the whole place was silent, they were approximately 6-12 inches from each others faces (lying in bed) yet were talking in normal volume. Meanwhile I was next door, clock watching until the time would come when I had to go to work.

So I got up and banged around a lot. I went into the bathroom and banged the door a bit and then returned to my room and again banged my door shut. From then on complete silence. You could have heard a pin drop. After a few minutes I could hear them talking in low voices but this was fine and not disrupting to me (if only they could have done this two hours previously).

I have a lot of patience but I think she demonstrated a complete disregard for me that night. She knew I was in the house, she knew I had previously mentioned the noise problem (when people were downstairs, how did she not think it would be even worse when she is upstairs!!!) I finally fell back to sleep after 6am and got up at 7am to go to work. Since then I have not had a chance to catch up with her (opposite schedules and we could often go 2-3 days without seeing each other) but she has not contacted me (even by text) to apologise for what happened. I did think about texting her but to be honest I considered the ball to be in her court and thought she would have sent a quick text to say ‘sorry about the noise the other night’. I imagine I will probably see her over the next 2-3 days and am wondering how to play it. I will bring it up with her and make it known that their conversation was keeping me up (by the way they weren’t even talking about anything important just random sh*t) and I found her behaviour a little unreasonable in that she did not seem to consider the person who pays half the rent/ whose name is on the lease. But what is p*ssing me off also is that she hasn’t even attempted a half-ass apology (text, a note anything really!)

I think of myself as a fairly considerate housemate- I’m clean, tidy and wouldn’t make a lot of noise if she was in bed and when I am getting ready in the morning. My boyfriend doesn’t stay over often and when he does, we generally get up the next morning and leave the house- I try and not encroach on her space as much as possible.

I would love to hear people’s opinions on whether they thought what I did was unnecessary? Yes last week was the first night it had happened in ages, but they were talking for 2 hours and I was going to work the next morning – I was losing my mind when I couldn’t sleep and feel that if I had not made my case that night, it might have happened the next night or another time. Do you think she could be p*ssed at me for making noise and potentially embarrassing her in front of whatever friend she had home?

Tokyo

To be honest, I find your reaction a bit over the top, and childish to tell the truth. From the sounds of things, you and your housemate both knew that your schedules would conflict somewhat when you moved in together, thats ome compromises would have to be made for each other, and apparently decided that this could be overcome.

You bring up her friends calling over at some stage in the past - your housemate has apologized for their actions, told you that it wouldn't happen again, and from what I can see, has done her best to be accommodating, while still exercising her right to live there and have friends around.

While she may have been somewhat inconsiderate in chatting upstairs with the guy that she brought home, it's easy sometimes in conversation to forget how loud you are talking if you are having a conversation with somebody. It's also possible that she thought you weren't even home. I think how you reacted was far more inconsiderate - banging round the house like a bear with a sore head while she had somebody over in order to put her in her place. Surely a far more adult way to do this would have been to text her from your room something along the lines of "sorry for the interruption, but would you mind keeping it down a little - I have to be up fro work in a couple of hours." Instead you threw a hissy fit to put her in her place, which did nothing except lead to an uncomfortable situation for all involved.

You say that you pay half the rent and utilities, and as such you demand consideration. But by extrapolation, so does she.... and don't you think that your roommate deserves a similar amount of consideration?

Holsten

Move out, it can't work if your schedules are so different.

Also the way you acted was like a child. You should be an adult and have a conversation about the excessive late night noise.

Faith

I'm a light sleeper, I'm sensitive to noise and I've lived in houses with paper thin walls, but I really think you're overreacting. It would have been ideal if her and her friend had whispered, but I don't think talking in your normal voice in your own bedroom is unreasonable.

Rather than lie there seething, why didn't you send her a text asking her to be a little bit quieter? Maybe she assumed you were at your boyfriend's place prior to your banging around?

She hasn't been in touch about it because I'm sure she doesn't think she did anything wrong. She's probably annoyed at your passive aggressiveness.

In the future, I suggest you invest in some earplugs. Then on the rare occasions you are awoken, you can use them to fall back to sleep.

I was losing my mind when I couldn’t sleep and feel that if I had not made my case that night, it might have happened the next night or another time.

You didn't make your case. You acted childishly and indirectly, instead of speaking up and letting her directly know that you were being disturbed.

Let this incident go and buy some earplugs, or else move in with someone who has a similar schedule to you.

zxcvbnm1

You completely overreacted.

The reality is if you live with people there will be compromises.
While sleep is important, it's important for your flat mate to enjoy her time there too.
Ensuring a perfect nights sleep shouldn't take priority above all else every night of the year.

(Obviously if this was a frequent occurrence then that's different - but you said it's basically a very rare occurrence.)

You should have sucked it up in my opinion and not made a deal out if it like you did and just got an early night the next night if you were that tired.

These things happen when sharing. Your reaction was a bit dramatic for my liking.

LegacyUser

OP here thank you all for your input, I'm grateful for your responses. And I accept that perhaps I did overreact (perhaps I'm hormonal) but I didn't premeditate the noise I made, I went to the bathroom and whilst up made noise to get my point across. Maybe yes it was too much I'm not going to argue. Another note is that whilst a text msg would have been ideal, we have very very poor reception in our house (despite living in a major city) and I have no signal from my bed/room.

"You bring up her friends calling over at some stage in the past - your housemate has apologized for their actions, told you that it wouldn't happen again, and from what I can see, has done her best to be accommodating, while still exercising her right to live there and have friends around."

Mike_ie the reason I brought up what happened a few months ago was merely to give context to the situation. I'm not keeping a score card.

"Move out, it can't work if your schedules are so different."

Holstein I have thought of moving out but I'm tied into the lease for 6 more months and I cannot afford to break it. I perhaps will break it 1-2 months early but for now I have made my bed and will lie in it (and hopefully sleep too :-))

Mods feel free to close this if you wish. I got the input that I asked for but will leave it to the experts to decide if this should be closed.

Thank you all again.

qdawg86

You shouldn't have to text, or have a conversation with someone to let them know that making noise, be it talking, laughing, moving around, in the middle of the night when others are trying to sleep is unacceptable. This girl seems like an inconsiderate moron, bringing people home to a flat share situation at 3am for a drinking session. It just doesn't work that way in a flat sharing set up. She needs to get her own place asap.

I think you've been considerate enough after the first incident. Personally, I would have told her to get the fcuk out then.

December2012

It doesn't suit you to live there, so don't. You have your boyfriend over when it suits you, so why can't she have a friend over when it suits her?

qdawg86

December2012 wrote: »

It doesn't suit you to live there, so don't. You have your boyfriend over when it suits you, so why can't she have a friend over when it suits her?

Because her boyfriend isn't making a bloody nuisance of himself.

Tokyo

qdawg86 wrote: »

Because her boyfriend isn't making a bloody nuisance of himself.

They were whispering downstairs, and were talking at a normal volume (with a 10 second exception) in her room. The guy wasn't exactly doing a drunken tapdance up and down the stairs.....

December2012

qdawg86 wrote: »

Because her boyfriend isn't making a bloody nuisance of himself.

We don't know what he does. Or what the room mate thinks he does.

Perception and reality are two very different things.

But it appears that what's good enough for one person isn't good enough for the other.

twiggy86

I can honestly see this from both point of views. I function terribly on a lack of sleep and can understand why this would annoy you, it would me. But at the same time, she works hard too (I assume) and deserves to be able to take people back to her house on her nights off.

I think the issue is that her nights off fall during the week and since you work office hours you're working the next day. It's just that the 2 schedules don't work, therefore someone needs to move out. You wouldn't live with a student would you?

qdawg86

mike_ie wrote: »

They were whispering downstairs, and were talking at a normal volume (with a 10 second exception) in her room. The guy wasn't exactly doing a drunken tapdance up and down the stairs.....

Normal volume........normal for the middle of the day or normal for the middle of the night when you know that your flatmate is trying to sleep in the room directly beside you in an old house with thin walls ??

qdawg86

December2012 wrote: »

We don't know what he does. Or what the room mate thinks he does.

Perception and reality are two very different things.

But it appears that what's good enough for one person isn't good enough for the other.

I'm taking the OPs post at face value. I am posting based on the info provided.

LegacyUser

I have lived with people who work on different schedules and it never works out.

Partly because when they are just doing normal things, it interrupted my sleep when they'd arrive in or like you, the random times that they'd bring someone back and stay up late.

Remember that for them, if they work in a restaurant and finish at 11, for them, three in the morning is like your 10pm.

When I worked late I'd be wired.

People who are drunk do not know that they speak loudly and they are not, I would assume, doing it deliberately....

I used to take the direct approach and go down, tell them that they are being loud and to keep it down. If they were playing music I'd ask them to turn the Base down as that's what kept me awake.

Sometimes I'd just join them.

It never happened that often and myself and the housemate become friends so we were okay.

If it is ongoing, then you need to find a better solution, starting with a good set of ear plugs.

Matteroffact

I think if someone in a house is sleeping, whether it is day or night there should be consideration shown for that person. If the flatmate was on her night out then she had plenty of time to chat to her b/f, so why chat at 3.00 a.m. when this is sleeping time for most people, including herself as she was in bed during this conversation. It does show a lack of consideration but I feel that this flatmate doesn't know the meaning of the word "consideration" so doesn't feel she is doing anything wrong. She has been told by the OP but she still doesn't get it. Change your flatmate OP.

Neyite

Closed at Op's request.