I think my mate has a gambling problem. Not sure how to proceed.

Fukuyama

No point going unreg for this as it's a friend. I think he has a gambling problem that is slowly getting worse. I'm unsure of how to approach the situation.

We're both males in our early twenties in college and I've known him for a good four years now. Over the past couple of years I've noticed him gambling more and more. He's always betting on horses, football and dogs. Initially I didn't even pay attention as my father always threw a couple of euro on the horses of a Saturday afternoon when I was a kid, so I'm kind of used to bookies, people talking about the Grand National etc... I've also no problem with gambling itself. To each their own.

Around 18 months ago I noticed him using the Paddy Power app on his phone during a lecture one day. He was betting on horses. Again I wrote it off and ignored it. But he kept doing it again and again, almost every day. Or we'd be talking in a group and he's be on his phone using the app. I asked him what was up with it but he brushed it off as harmless fun.

Other times we'd be walking around town and he'd want to go to a certain shop, but along the way we'd 'conveniently' pass a bookies and he'd dart into the door already knowing what race and horse he wanted to bet on and that it'd "only take a second". I lost count of the amount of times I've stood in dim city center bookies, surrounded by junkies, down and outs etc.. all gambling away like it wasn't 11am on a Tuesday.

At this point (12 months ago), I'd often directly tell him to "shut the **** up" about horses and gambling but to no avail. We'd be right back into a monologue of his about odds, and breeding horses, and certain trainers, and a tip he got of so and so... No matter how bluntly I told him that I didn't want to hear about horse racing he'd continue trying to win me over to the "fun".

I can't exactly remember when, but around nine months ago, I told him out straight that I think he should shelve the gambling. I recounted his behavior in dragging me to bookies, constantly talking about betting, always needing to have some bet in the pipeline etc... but to no avail. All I got was amused denial and stories of people that were "much worse" than him.

Within our larger circle, he kind of uses his gambling as a funny or cool trait. Like, when he wins big (and he often has won €300+ in one go) he'd brag and laugh about it as though it's nothing so he has a bit of a rep for being good on horses and nobody else sees the harm as they think he's just lucky and has fun. I've often sat there as he dazzles people with his tales of winning big that day, biting my tongue. They never see him when he's skint two days after getting paid or budgeting his bets. OR when you can tell he desperately NEEDS a bet to come off in his favour or else he'll be skint. For all the money he apparently wins he's never flush with cash which makes me think it all goes straight back into the bookies. He has sent me screenshots of the app showing winning bet slips of over €200, more than I make in a week, kind of bragging/showing off. I just reply with "haha, well done". But I've never seen him do anything with all his apparent winnings, and he regularly complains about not having any money. And when he's on a loosing streak he can be grouchy and arrogant.

At one point, a group of us went to the dogs for an evening. It was most of our first times being there (myself included). Like most of the group I just kind of randomly placed little bets for fun. Through sheer luck I managed to be the only one to come out with a profit which paid for my night and a little extra. (I never gamble except for occasions such as this and really have no interest in it). He was fuming for a good hour afterwards and clearly had a brusied ego. At multiple times in the following weeks would bring it up out of the blue and justify his losses. I kind of just nodded along and actually felt a little bad for having tainted his image in front of the people he regularly brags about his gambling in front of.

Day to day, this isn't a problem. He lives at home, has enough cash to keep himself going with a "normal" life and from the outside you wouldn't know there was anything up. But I regularly see the mental gymnastics he performs in justifying going to Paddy Power when he should be going to college or yammering on about betting when I couldn't care less. His family, particularly the males, all seem to be in the same boat with gambling so I can't ask them to help (not that I really know them too well anyways).

I'm also concerned about next year. The guy hasn't applied himself in college (in part due to his priorities lying with gambling) and, while I don't mean to be harsh, there's a high chance he'll fall through the cracks career-wise when we graduate in a few months. I'm worried that he'll find himself with seven days a week free and just wallow in the bookies...

I'd appreciate advice from anyone that's dealt with this kind of behaviour from a friend. I'm at a loss as to what to do.

username123

I'm not sure what you expect to hear. You have already outlined your concerns to him. What more do you want to do?

Don't enable his behaviour, as in, don't go into bookies with him, don't engage in any conversation about gambling or respond to texts about it. Ultimately you have to decide if this behaviour is too much for you and if you want to continue in a friendship with someone whose behaviour you are so negatively judgemental about. I'm not saying you are wrong to judge it btw, but why bother with someone who seems to a annoy you so much?

You can't control someone else's behaviour.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Doesn't sound like an addiction if he can still budget for himself and haove no real experience here so can;t comment. But it's something that could develop into one.

Have a word with gamblers anonymous - you don;t have to be a gambler to ask for advice, they'll help you as much as yoru friend.

Fukuyama

username123 wrote: »

I'm not sure what you expect to hear. You have already outlined your concerns to him. What more do you want to do?

Don't enable his behaviour, as in, don't go into bookies with him, don't engage in any conversation about gambling or respond to texts about it. Ultimately you have to decide if this behaviour is too much for you and if you want to continue in a friendship with someone whose behaviour you are so negatively judgemental about. I'm not saying you are wrong to judge it btw, but why bother with someone who seems to a annoy you so much?

You can't control someone else's behaviour.

He's probably one of the two people I'd call a mate, opposed to just an acquaintance. He doesn't annoy me. As I said, day-to-day it's fine. I'm just kind of worried that he's heading down a dark path and is pretty good at hiding it from people (last few months he's gone all stealth with his gambling but is still doing it).

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

Doesn't sound like an addiction if he can still budget for himself and haove no real experience here so can;t comment. But it's something that could develop into one.

Have a word with gamblers anonymous - you don;t have to be a gambler to ask for advice, they'll help you as much as yoru friend.

Maybe he's not addicted. I don't know. But he has gotten himself into tight spots financially before (nothing major, just gambling money he needs for other more important stuff).

I've looked into GA and other stuff online and many recommend letting him fúck up royally to shock himself. Seems like the only solution....

thegreatgonzo

Dean0088 wrote: »

I'd appreciate advice from anyone that's dealt with this kind of behaviour from a friend. I'm at a loss as to what to do.

Not quite the same situation but I went out with someone who had a gambling problem. We broke up and I'm no longer in touch with him. If someone refuses to admit they have a problem there is really nothing you can do. As someone said above don't go with him to the bookies or anything like that. There is a questionnaire for people to see if they have a problem with gambling. You could show it to him, it didn't work for me but at least you'll have tried to help.

username123

Dean0088 wrote: »

He's probably one of the two people I'd call a mate, opposed to just an acquaintance. He doesn't annoy me. As I said, day-to-day it's fine. I'm just kind of worried that he's heading down a dark path and is pretty good at hiding it from people (last few months he's gone all stealth with his gambling but is still doing it).

Well, there isnt anything you can do except outline your concerns and not enable the behaviour. Tell him you are there to support him if he has a problem that he wants to deal with.

You really cant do anything else.

Big Bag of Chips

If you're walking past a bookies and he has to "nip in for a minute", tell him you're not waiting for him. If you don't want to hang around, then don't. Continue on to wherever you were going and let him catch up with you.

You will never change him. He will not think he has a problem and he will not think it is as bad as you think it is. My friend is married to a gambler. Since I've known him (over 20 years) whenever he was in town he was in the bookies. If we were in town and she needed him, she knew exactly where to find him. She never thought it was a problem... Until about 4 years ago, when it all came out. So that was about 16/17 years of gambling without anyone noticing it was a problem.
It only came out when she saw the post one day (he always collected the post) and found a "final reminder" for a bill he had promised her was paid. He explained that away and little by little over the next few months it started to come out. He had credit cards and loans she knew nothing about. Even after she found this out she still didn't even consider that gambling was the problem.. whereas it was the first thing I thought. It had just become so normal for her, that even she didn't think it excessive.

Your friend is in a different situation to my friend and her husband. Your friend is young, has no commitments, and nobody depending on him. My friend let her husband know that she was prepared to leave him. She had to protect herself and the kids, and she couldn't do it with him lying and hiding money and debts from her.

I don't think your friend is at a stage yet where the gambling is REALLY affecting his life. He clearly has a problem, but it's not really having enough of a detrimental affect on his life for him to want to change. So... Nothing you do or say will make him change. He will continue on his path until it becomes a real problem, where he can't pay back credit cards, can't get new credit cards, can't pay back bank loans etc.. he's probably on the road to that already, but he's waiting for the next "win" that will pay back some of hos bills... Except that win will more than likely go back to the bookie in an attempt to win even bigger, to pay back the bills quicker.

Unfortunately, you can do nothing. Maybe a trip to Gam-Anon for yourself might help. It's a support group for those living close to a gambler. You will hear many people telling very similar stories to you.

thefeatheredcat

I knew someone briefly a couple of years ago whose life revolved around the bookies and using an app on their phone in the bookies, going between the counter and making bets online at the same time. When they had won something it went on alcohol and "having a good time for themselves" when in reality they had barely a couple of euro to rub together and couldn't cover rent or food and regularly off loaded their phone temporarily and other bits for cash until the next big win and it would be gone quicker than you could say "cash back" on the next "big win". I hadn't known them long so it was a bit easy for me to walk away and leave them to their gambling and other issues that I wasn't a part of.

I don't think there's really a whole lot that you can do. He does sound very suckered into gambling and addicted to an extent in a sense of at the edge of the cliff in it becoming his life.

It's not nice to feel like a bystander when you know it's a situation that is going out of control, but you have expressed concern at it all. At some point, you have to make a choice whether to remain friends or to walk away. You may feel like you're abandoning him to gambling but you also have to keep yourself as a priority and not let his life and his gambling and worries from that distract you from your life and college work.

Dean0088 wrote: »

I'm also concerned about next year. The guy hasn't applied himself in college (in part due to his priorities lying with gambling) and, while I don't mean to be harsh, there's a high chance he'll fall through the cracks career-wise when we graduate in a few months. I'm worried that he'll find himself with seven days a week free and just wallow in the bookies...

I think you might have to consider what the root of the problem is and perhaps talk to him from that angle. Do you talk much about what's next after college? Does he quietly dismiss talking about plans after college, job prospects, job hunting, the next year of college? Maybe he's in the wrong course or sees no future job prospects, doesn't know what he wants to do after college, is panicking about leaving the comfort and security of college, and is just distracting himself hoping something will change?

I honestly don't think there's much here you can do. He might not see where there's a problem - especially if his brothers engage in it too, which is where he might get the validation to gamble in the first instance anyway - and think it's all harmless but you've seen it from both sides, when he has won and when he has lost and how it effects him. And there's little you can do about your perception until he starts to see there actually might be a problem.

All you can do is voice your concerns, maybe talk about post college and plans and see what's going on there and see if they're motivated at all about college or post college choices and options they have. Gauge the reaction, see if any worries about jobs and that come out.

LegacyUser

I have been in the position you're friend is in. I always had an interest in betting my whole life. In sec.school I had a few good mates and we used always be talking Cheltenham, big races and the like. In college I had 2 close friends. Thing were great for a while but after a year or two we totally fell out and they dumped me. Now before that one of them starting listing out all the things wrong with me, including that I was betting too much. They had absolutely no interest in any sport at all or betting. I had the opinion that talking about it somewhat made me cool and rebellious. I made the mistake of mentioning betting too much to them. It was a hobby for me at the time and not a problem. The friendship fell apart for reasons I wont go into but it was nothing to do with gambling. In the following year or two in the isolation of having no friends I did find I was betting a little too much. I still remember their advice re potential problem so that helped keep me on track. It was the first time ever someone had mentioned that to me.

I agree with the others. Do not accompany him into the bookies. Maybe possibly try and get him interested and focused on some sport like soccer( to participate in I might add). Going by your story he does seem to have a problem, especially re the paddy power app in lectures.All you can do is suggest that he may have a betting problem. He may not listen at first but if it gets worse he may believe you were right. Also maybe encourage him to save a percentage of his money for items that he wants. If he kept a record of what he bets on, just looking at that might get him to reduce.

To sum up, He wont stop unless he thinks it is a problem and wants to stop. You can only be a friend and tell him that he could have a problem. The rest is down to him.He might not thank you for it and it may ruin your friendship but the bottom line is you need to look after yourself with this. Do look at the gamblers support websites and see what you can do to help.

ivytwine

Hey OP, I am on the other side of the fence from this, as I actually work for the company which you refer to several times in your OP...

Obviously I won't go into our procedure as I don't know how anon I really am here, but essentially while we take calls from concerned relatives and friends, we have to allow for the person to make the decision for themselves.

However once admitted we shut down the account and keep it shut. I am aware of other bookmakers who aren't so conscientious, but if he decides to self-exclude from PP, he won't be able to bet with them again.

Like alcohol, like drugs, like cigarettes even, the person has to admit they have a problem and decide to give up. I can imagine how tough it is for you. It's tough for the people behind the counter as well- for a good proportion of us it's just a job and we have no real grá for racing and we can tell when someone's in trouble.

There's a difference between a big punter betting what they can afford (the likes of JP McManus spring to mind) and someone like your mate who is on a student's budget. Seems to me to be a lot of college aged young lads into betting at the moment and I imagine this will get some of them into trouble.

As other posters said, don't enable him. Don't respond to texts about betting, change the subject, and don't go into the bookies or wait for him. Tell him you don't have time or whatever.

And don't indulge him when he starts boasting about what he won. Someone did that to my father in a pub a couple of years ago. My father has zero interest in gambling and he just turned to your man and said, "You wouldn't tell me if the horse had lost though?"

Good luck OP, it's a tough one, you sound like a good mate and it's good he has someone on his side.

LegacyUser

I think that you are being a good friend to him.
I would have a chat with a few others friends and ask them have they noticed his gambling and the way he acts over this.

I get a few friends to tell they have noticed that he is gambling on line and in the bookies a lot. Perhaps if a few people said this to him he might take some notice.
I would also say that you have noticed that he is spending more time studying the form rather than his college work and you are worried that he may not get his college exams.
I would then ask him what does he want to do after college, does he want to do more study or get a job?

I would tell him you don't want to go to the bookies with him or hear about the odd win he has. The one thing that is working his way is that he is still living at home so he is not paying rent, bills ect. The reality is that when he leaves college he may not be able to stay living at home so he will have x income to cover rent, bills, clothes, food, going out ect.
His gambling at that stage could lead him into a lot of debit and prevent him from getting a mortgage.

Also if you chat to a few of your other friends one of them might know his parents better.
His parents might not know that he is gambling to this extent but they may be glad to hear this so they can help him.
From what you have told us your friend gets very defensive when you mention his gambling to him which makes me think he has a gambling problem.

I know several people who like to gamble but they place small bets on a odd race and spend what they can afford to lose but your friend is not one of these people from what you told us.
If he wants to keep gambling once you do the above I would just tell him that you are not interested in gambling ect as your to busy with work for college and with making plans in regards to what you want to do with your life.