Feeling Useless

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Have been feeling quite down the last few days. I'm a 25 year old male, unemployed and still living at home with the parents.

Have a girlfriend, she is brilliant, have been going out with a year, she is incredibly overachieved college wise. Where I am a drop out, did legal studies for a year but it didn't work out primarily to team assignments and people not wanting to help with the workload and leaving me to tackle the work of 3 people solo, and therefore I fell behind on other subjects, passed the majority of the subjects but I just didn't have it in me to repeat the exams or even the subjects over again the next year, plus the people in my class were idiots in general. Couldn't mix with the majority of them, mostly pissheads and sort of brattish if you know what I mean.

I was 21/22 in college and about half the class were a bunch of giddy fresh out of school types or pretentious celtic tiger kids that just got on my goat and dragged myself and the older students down (mature students some of them) I was unemployed for the best part of a year after that, before eventually going mad in my search for work, which was going nowhere. So I just gave in and got on a Jobbridge scheme and yes I know there is a lot of giving out in the media about businesses taking advantage of people on the live register, when I started mine it seemed legit in my local area, unlike now when I read their website, it's gone to the dogs!

Anyway my internship was in a private business college for 6 months, enjoyed the experience somewhat even though the courses I had to market over the phone/email were very tough to sell, being in a recession and all, and also the building I was in was freezing the entire time I was there, the heating was never on and felt I shouldn't complain, since I (the eejit) considered myself lucky to get the internship in the first place and the extra 50 euro. There was only one guy I worked with "the mentor" which the Jobbridge lads like to call it, he was a nice man, he found it difficult himself to get business into the place as he teaches also and markets. I won't name the place for my own reasons, another reason why I didn't ask for the heat to be on during the cold winter months of 2012/13.

The internship finished last April I did stay on, on the quiet for an extra month because I really didn't want to go back to doing nothing. I went down to the Welfare Office to sign back on in April with a letter from "the mentor" asking could I stay on voluntarily until things picked up as he wasn't in the position to offer me work, I had no problem with this because honestly I didn't want to rot at home like I was the year before. When I told the man behind the desk that I wanted to do this he looked at me like I had two heads and said "No you can't do that, it has to be a charitable organization in order for you to do that" I was disgusted and left and told my mentor, I stayed on anyway just to spite them and later got an interview in May for a financial business, didn't get it in the end. In May my mentor hinted that he wanted to get new intern in, there was only one computer and phone in the downstairs part of the office so I took it as a sign that I wasn't wanted anymore and basically lied to him that I was successful in getting the job that I went for in May. So I left rather depressingly.

Ever since I've been looking for work, have been a lot more successful since in getting interviews than I was before, I had about 7 interviews since April but getting nowhere. Every "Dear John" letter I get really knocks my confidence. My girlfriend doesn't live local to me, met her online and hit it off with her. I will also add my home life is rather difficult at times as my father suffers from depression, and he's off and on his medication and he flies off the handle and loses his temper for no reason at my mam, not so much with me, but makes the odd neagtive bitter remark say if I come down from my room to make food. I'm not into hanging out with my parents all day everyday, I'm 25 I want my space for God's sake.

Anyway I want my space from my folks and be able to have the ability to get out and work and pay my own way, have actually been applying for jobs where my girlfriend lives as she wants to spend more time with me, had one interview in Castlebar, Mayo before Christmas and didn't get the job. Was only a retail job that I only half wanted, and I applied out of pure frustration. You will probably think "Oh why don't you house share with someone" I'm not a hard guy to get on with but house sharing doesn't appeal to me tremendously, I'm guessing it stems from secondary school experiences and college experiences and I don't want people bringing their complicated crap under my roof, if I wanted that I'd stay living with my folks where there is plenty of it. I just want my own place, my own reasonable job and some peace and quiet. I really don't think it's too much to ask.

If I did get a job I liked in the Ballina area nearer my girlfriend I think I would be much happier, I know it's not the greatest town on Earth, people from there deem it a bit of a dump but I just want a change. I'd hate to leave the friends I do have, I have about a dozen friends, half of them live local, (and no I wouldn't live with them either) as I said before I like my space and peace and quiet.

I have 2 sisters also living out on their own, one older and one younger. The fact that my 21 year old sister is living on her own working part time as a hairdresser and doing a hairdressing course depresses the hell out of me also it makes me feel like the worlds biggest loser.

Yesterday was the final straw when I get yet another "Dear John" letter from an employer in Mayo, a good employer so I'm told and getting in to this place would have been great, like it would have making my move up there really worthwhile as I don't want to struggle with rent and utilities like I would in a retail job I also wouldn't want my relationship going sour because of the job, which has happened me before when I worked for Dunnes Stores for a while. I guess I sound picky when it comes to jobs now that I read back, but anyway moving on.

To get into the place I applied to I even made a change on my CV, how many people would you think would do this on a CV? I wrote in the cover letter on my CV towards the end and I quote "I am willing to forego a month’s wage for the company to give to a charity of its choice, which I believe would benefit local people and give the company some publicity, as well as gaining a month of experience to prove myself" The "Dear John" letter was delivered to my girlfriends parents house yesterday, I was there on a visit and I opened it while she was there, knew what it was straight away, good news regarding a job never comes in letter form. I added the letter to the pile I already have at home when I arrived back today. The last 2 days I have just had a splitting headache/frustration and general anxiety over it.

Sorry for the long rant but really need to blow off some steam and felt this was the place to do it.

Merkin

anuda moan-er wrote: »

To get into the place I applied to I even made a change on my CV, how many people would you think would do this on a CV? I wrote in the cover letter on my CV towards the end and I quote "I am willing to forego a month’s wage for the company to give to a charity of its choice, which I believe would benefit local people and give the company some publicity, as well as gaining a month of experience to prove myself"

However well intentioned, don't ever do this again. A gesture like this would really not be interpreted in the way you had hoped so it was an ill-judged move on your part. Learn from it.

From reading your OP, you come across as a desperately negative person and I'm wondering if you have ever explored the possibility that you may also suffer from depression? It might be worth talking to a GP to explore this.

Finally, I would choose three or four of the rejection letters of jobs that you really wanted/interviews you thought you did well in, and I would systematically phone or email the HR Manager or line manager involved in the process and ask them for constructive feedback. You may be coming across as equally negative in your interviews and it might be worth establishing if there is some common denominator in stopping you achieving your goals.

Things will pick up for you but I think you might need to establish if there is something you are doing wrong.

ladygirl

The single thing I also picked up on this post is also how negative you are. I can only guess that this trail of thought may also be projected to any interviews etc that you are attending.

My immediate focus would be to try to focus on this and work from there.

LegacyUser

I feel for you OP. It must be extremely frustrating for you, being 25, unable to get a job and having to live at home.
I hope something comes along for you. Would you consider moving to a larger town than Ballina? I know you said your girlfriend lives there, but there would be more job opportunities in a larger town.

Also do you know if you find a company that you would like to work for, but they don't have any openings at the moment, you can ask them would they participate in the internship program. Not the most ideal situation financially, but it might get you into a company that you would like to work for. Ask Intreo about this if you're interested.

Also please remove that paragraph from your cover letter, as Merkin said. No company would ever do this and would stop you getting a job, to be honest. I know your intentions are in the right place but it would be a deterrent for you.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Is that all you got from my post? That I'm negative? It may seem that way but I'm only making it sound negative because the post in general is negative, It is a personal issues forum after all. I'm hardly going to make it sound like sunshine and lollypops. I'm being negative because the last 2+ years has mainly been negative.

I have my strategy in interviews, I never come across as negative in interviews, I display my skills, enthusiasm, experiences in past positions, humour and I keep it upbeat and there is never long awkward silences between questions that would ruin my chances of getting the position. I never give them an excuse to not hire me.

To be honest I just think standards are too high and too much is expected of you from day one especially when you're a young person. It's all about so many years work experience, a list as long as your arm of skills you need etc. Like the minute I left school the country went to hell in a handbasket, if you can't get the work to begin with how are you meant to get the experience? There isn't a starting line there.

thegreatgonzo

I hate to sound critical when you are in a bad place at the moment but you do seem very defeatist. I'm puzzled by the reasons you gave for leaving college, you have a chip in your shoulder about people only a few years younger than you. It makes you sound a bit judgemental. I'm a mature student myself, a good bit older than you and I don't like group assignments but you have to get on with it as you would if you were working with them in a job.
Also you seem to let things get to you that really you shouldn't be still thinking about. So what if you were cold in the office for a while? When I'm on work placement I'm out in all weathers and I don't get any money for it. I think you are just carrying around a lot of negative crap and if you could lose that you might be able to move forward.

LegacyUser

anuda moan-er wrote: »

it didn't work out primarily to team assignments and people not wanting to help with the workload and leaving me to tackle the work of 3 people solo........... plus the people in my class were idiots in general. Couldn't mix with the majority of them, mostly pissheads and sort of brattish if you know what I mean.

........ a bunch of giddy fresh out of school types or pretentious celtic tiger kids that just got on my goat and dragged myself and the older students down

............... the building I was in was freezing the entire time I was there, the heating was never on ........

....... Was only a retail job that I only half wanted, and I applied out of pure frustration. ........

...... my 21 year old sister is living on her own working part time as a hairdresser and doing a hairdressing course depresses the hell out of me also it makes me feel like the worlds biggest loser.

..... I also wouldn't want my relationship going sour because of the job, which has happened me before when I worked for Dunnes Stores......

.

It's been a while since I've read Catcher in the Rye but for some reason your post read like Holden Caulfield.

You seem to place a lot of blame on other people and things you have no control over and then take no action when it would be normal to (i.e, asking for the heating to be turned on instead of suffering through the cold).

"Idiots, brattish, pissheads, pretentious"... why did this have such an impact on you? If you had issues with your team then you could have acted on it rather than taking it all on. I'm a mature student and I work in teams that aren't always great. But, that's life. A friend of mine recently had the same issues and organised to do the projects on her own.

You may not have realistic expectations about life. It should be X or things aren't Y.

Can a relationship go bad because you work in retail? Why was this? You have to start somewhere and some money is better than none. Being busy is better than doing nothing.

You worked in sales and it was a hard sell. That will look good on your cv to be able to cold call and to have office experience.

I used to be a bit like you. I'd blame the world for being the way it was. "It should be easier"..... "we shouldn't have to ......" It wasn't until I became happy with myself that I started realising that that's the way things are and it's up to me to find coping mechanisms for it. I came across as angry (whereas I was just unhappy and frustrated).

A job would make you happier but I think that you need to find better coping mechanisms and ways to find solutions to issues rather than apportion blame (unless it is valid).

What would happen if you got a job that you wanted and it turned out that you were working with "idiots and pissheads"? because that's the way it is in life sometimes.

Big Bag of Chips

anuda moan-er wrote: »

I just want my own place, my own reasonable job and some peace and quiet. I really don't think it's too much to ask.

Not wanting to kick a man when he's down, OP - but Yes! That is asking too much in your current situation. You dropped out of college. Fair enough, you went to college, but your furthest level of education is a leaving cert. For all these jobs you are applying for you are competing with loads of other applicants who have completed college education.. possibly up to masters level.

All you have is a leaving cert. It's not impossible, but it is not practical for you to walk into a "reasonable" job where you will earn enough to rent your own place. You don't want to work in retail, because you don't want to struggle on retail wages? You do know there are college graduates with degrees, masters etc who are working retail jobs because they can't get a reasonable, well paid job in their field? Why do you think it should happen for you?

I know I'm being a bit harsh here - but you are looking at this from your perspective, only. You don't realise how many other people are out there in similar circumstances, but who are willing to lower their standards, even in the short term to eventually get to their long term goal. You want to move out - but don't want to houseshare? So do you really want to move out, or are you happy enough to stay where you are, complaining that life is so unfair and your parents annoy you.

I always say, there's a reason we move out of home when we get to a certain age! It's very difficult to live with your parents once you get into your 20s. They still see you as their child, who they can boss about. They accept you are an adult and try to treat you as one, but know that you are still heavily dependent on them for day to day living. Whereas you feel you are an adult, and should be allowed do as you please, come and go as you please and be treated as an equal. It usually only ever leads to annoyance on both sides.

I think you're only options are, stick where you are and hold out for that "reasonable" job that will allow you to move into your own place, or lower your expectations. Move into a houseshare. Apply for everything and anything.. office jobs, retail jobs, cleaning jobs, bar work, McDonald's everything... Something will come up. It mightn't be your ideal job. But with only a leaving cert you're already at the bottom of the pile of college graduates.

(sorry, to say!)

Merkin

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But with only a leaving cert you're already at the bottom of the pile of college graduates.

These are the facts OP.

You were really scathing about your fellow students on your course so if these were the sole reason for quitting the course you really should explore going back to college and actually sticking with it.

You also say you're not coming across as negative in interviews. I would be very surprised if you're not to be honest. You probably don't even hear yourself and for that reason I would ask a trusted friend or your girlfriend to run through a mock interview with you and give you an honest appraisal.

Lots of other young (and older) people in the country and experiencing the same things but I do think a college education would give you a better grounding in finding a decent job.

thefeatheredcat

I think the first thing you need to do is stop comparing yourself to your siblings (and your girlfriend) in accomplishments and position in life because it is only making you miserable. Everyone has their own path in life, what you think is the reality of your siblings' life may not be as true or as perfect as you would be willing to imagine. So pay no heed to if they're being successful or not. Try and view it that if they are doing X, Y and Z for themselves, then I can change the position for myself to do something similar to get me there too. Aspire but do not berate yourself in comparison. I've seen it in people with siblings and seen it in workplaces how others can easily begrudge accomplishments of others who by comparison, either make themselves miserable over it and paint themselves a victim of a situation, or who go down the road of taking it out on those who are accomplished, or who take steps to better the situation in taking control, changing their perception and aspiring for better for themselves and not to feel on the same level as everyone else.

I think you do need to wake up and realise that it takes all kinds to make a world and wherever you go, you are still going to encounter in many situations individuals that could be judged to be stupid and annoying children, people you just will never get on with and people you will never like. You can't change them, you can only change how you react to them. Pick any work environment and you are likely to end up working with someone, just like that. And in many jobs there are going to be personality clashes, working with people you don't like. You can't blink them out of existance, you have to find a way to work with them. No company is going to say that you can avoid working with someone, you will be told you have to find a way to work with them and get around whatever the problem is. It cannot be avoided and most companies aren't going to take it well having someone who refuses to work with someone and makes getting things done difficult and awkward, not when someone else could easily be put in place instead of you who will find ways to work around someone they don't like. If you are found unwilling to get on with people you don't like, then you won't be staying on in any job for long.

I also feel you will have to revise your expectations on having a place of your own. Sometimes that is just not possible, mainly because of cost. I've lived in many different house shares, none were easy really, some great, some awful, but I learned a lot, especially in coping with other people and some very valuable life lessons were learned. It is possible to have your own space in a house share and have no interaction with those living there, but it will never really be a friendly place or really "home" for the coldness of interaction. And there are many that will happily want to shut themselves off from everyone else and live in their own bubble rather than interact even at the level of politeness with those in the house with them.

With that particular employer that you got the letter from that led to this thread here, however, review your CV, remove that last bit you mentioned, get someone to look over your CV and re submit it. There's no guarantee it will get anywhere more than you have tried, but it can happen.

To me it seems like getting a job is the fix all solution for you, to get out of where you're living without consideration for the pitfalls ahead of you in your expectations of living situation, and without consideration what you really want, as it all seems to be quite motivated through desperation and in feeling useless, in feeling inadequate in comparison to others and being truly frustrated by circumstances.

Forget for a minute about whatever everyone else is doing - focus on you. What do you actually, really want out of life? Where do you want your life to go? What do you want to do? Would you like to engage in some course, upskill yourself through education and qualifications? Or do you just want to keep applying for jobs you're half hearted about just so you don't feel so useless, that you're doing something in desperation, rather than creating a real plan with hard questions to ask yourself?

thegreatgonzo

Merkin wrote: »

you really should explore going back to college and actually sticking with it.

Totally agree with this. Being unemployed is an opportunity to get yourself the skills that will make you employable. You are probably eligible for BTEA, are there any courses in the Castlebar branch of GMIT that would interest you? You aren't late yet for the CAO this year.