feel used and discarded

LegacyUser · 29-01-2014 1:22am #1

hi i was in a long term relationship where i had to take on the role of a carer for my ex partner's parent. that parent has since passed on. a few months later i get ignored by my now ex and got dumped 2 months ago. i feel like i was only kept on because my ex couldnt cope with it all at the time and i had to step up and do what needed to be done at the time. it was not a pleasant experience arsewiping, lifting on n off the toilet, bed baths etc, cleaning, administering medicines, going to n from hospitals for appointments, fighting with hse staff to get that person the services and help that person needed at the time, especially when i hardly even knew the person... i did what needed to be done because i loved my ex and for never ever complained about it, after that person passed away there was no need for me i was discarded with a lame ass excuse.

i am very depressed and feel like sh!te because of it. how can someone be so heartless after i gave so much to help that person and the parent involved.

i feel gutted and devastated over it all... i never even had a chance to talk with my ex about any issues we may have been having... just got ignored for a month and given my marching orders.

how can anyone be so cruel and cold about it all ill never know.

alias06 · 29-01-2014 9:46am

That guy sounds like a total jerk and you are lucky to be rid of him. Block him out of your life completely. You are obviously a better person than him.

I know you must feel awful. But what can you learn about yourself and relationships from this? Maybe you can come out of this stronger. Be kind to yourself.

Good luck.

Potatoeman · 29-01-2014 9:52am

feelingused wrote: »

hi i was in a long term relationship where i had to take on the role of a carer for my ex partner's parent. that parent has since passed on. a few months later i get ignored by my now ex and got dumped 2 months ago. i feel like i was only kept on because my ex couldnt cope with it all at the time and i had to step up and do what needed to be done at the time. it was not a pleasant experience arsewiping, lifting on n off the toilet, bed baths etc, cleaning, administering medicines, going to n from hospitals for appointments, fighting with hse staff to get that person the services and help that person needed at the time, especially when i hardly even knew the person... i did what needed to be done because i loved my ex and for never ever complained about it, after that person passed away there was no need for me i was discarded with a lame ass excuse.

i am very depressed and feel like sh!te because of it. how can someone be so heartless after i gave so much to help that person and the parent involved.

i feel gutted and devastated over it all... i never even had a chance to talk with my ex about any issues we may have been having... just got ignored for a month and given my marching orders.

how can anyone be so cruel and cold about it all ill never know.

Why did you have to do all this? Could he not get homehelp? Its a big thing to ask of someone especially when you are not a blood relation.

Stavro Mueller · 29-01-2014 10:17am

Unfortunately there are people out there who are cold-hearted enough to take advantage of other people's good nature. You've learned this the hard way so of course you're going to feel hurt, betrayed, foolish, angry etc.

You can't undo the past but what you can do is learn from this. It's nice to be nice but everyone should have boundaries and limits. It's time for you to be good to yourself and do some enjoyable things. Maybe cry/vent on someone's shoulder if you have a person like that in your life.

Emme · 29-01-2014 10:23am

This might seem a bit crazy but I would find out the current hourly rate for a home carer. Work out all the hours you spent caring for your ex's parent, tot it up and sent him a letter with a bill for that amount. He will more than likely ignore it but you will be letting him know what your services would have cost if he had to pay a professional to do it.

Chara1001 · 29-01-2014 10:59am

I agree with Emme Op, you've been horribly taken advantage of, and treated like s**t.
Can I ask, how come you were the one who ended up doing all of this? You're not even a relation...

sReq | uTeK · 29-01-2014 3:51pm

Yes you were taken advantage of but I mean.....come on where was the pushback on your behalf....

ash23 · 29-01-2014 4:54pm

OP you should never feel bad about being good.

I remember complaining to a friend when my ex left me for someone else about the time that he was unemployed and everything I had done, the extra hours I worked to keep him going, the car I bought and insured and the driving lessons I paid for so he could look for jobs further afield etc etc. I felt like a complete and utter sucker!

But she pointed out that these are the things you do for the people you love and there is nothing wrong with that. It's not for you to feel bad. You loved your ex and you did what any good and kind and decent person would do. You made that dying persons last months more tolerable and that is what you should focus on.

Don't harden yourself to not doing things in future just in case things don't work out. I can understand feeling that you were taken advantage of, but you did a kind and decent thing. Concentrate on that aspect of it.

The only person who should be feeling like sh!te is your ex because he took advantage of your love and kind nature. You have no reason at all to feel bad and you shouldn't let this get you down.

LegacyUser · 29-01-2014 9:07pm

the ex was a she...

home help wasnt really an option due to costs.

Chara1001 · 30-01-2014 7:29am

Hi OP,

Did your ex not have any other siblings or family members that could have pitched in? I can understand the pressures of caring for a sick or elderly relative, it's happened in my own family and its a tremendous amount for a group of people to deal with- let alone one. Sorry for this but I don't think you've made it clear as to how it all fell on your shoulders though.

Was your ex actively involved with her relatives care, or did she just sit back and allow you to do it all? Ash23 is right, you've done something incredibly selfless and decent because you wanted to lighten your loved ones' load- and you should be proud of yourself. I don't fully agree it's what anybody would have done in your shoes, as it's a massive amount to take on but it says a lot about the kind of person you are.

I still think you've been treated really really badly though- and normally I would say that when you break up you should stop contact entirely, but in your case do you think it might be an idea to send her an email giving her an outline of what you've told us?

Maura74 · 30-01-2014 8:20am

feelingused wrote: »

hi i was in a long term relationship where i had to take on the role of a carer for my ex partner's parent. that parent has since passed on. a few months later i get ignored by my now ex and got dumped 2 months ago. i feel like i was only kept on because my ex couldnt cope with it all at the time and i had to step up and do what needed to be done at the time. it was not a pleasant experience arsewiping, lifting on n off the toilet, bed baths etc, cleaning, administering medicines, going to n from hospitals for appointments, fighting with hse staff to get that person the services and help that person needed at the time, especially when i hardly even knew the person... i did what needed to be done because i loved my ex and for never ever complained about it, after that person passed away there was no need for me i was discarded with a lame ass excuse.

i am very depressed and feel like sh!te because of it. how can someone be so heartless after i gave so much to help that person and the parent involved.

i feel gutted and devastated over it all... i never even had a chance to talk with my ex about any issues we may have been having... just got ignored for a month and given my marching orders.

how can anyone be so cruel and cold about it all ill never know.

OP you can be very pound of yourself that you are not cold and heartless like your ex, you will be rewarded somewhere along the line for your kindness to another human. You observed what was needed to help another fellow human and you were there to give it to her.

You ex obviously do not possess the same kindness as you. Just think what your life would be like with an ex that had no empathy of anyone needs. Would you want to be with someone like that, I think not.

And yes there are people that are cruel and cold about illness especially mental illness, I have seen it in the caring business.

Potatoeman · 30-01-2014 12:35pm

feelingused wrote: »

the ex was a she...

home help wasnt really an option due to costs.

Was your ex the supporting you financially?

Emme · 30-01-2014 2:21pm

Potatoeman wrote: »

Was your ex the supporting you financially?

She may have been giving some financial support to the OP but even so I bet it wouldn't cover a fraction of the care she gave if professionals had been hired to do it.

LegacyUser · 31-01-2014 12:59am

no i had my own money and my own job. i never had to ask her for money

LegacyUser · 31-01-2014 1:05am

Chara1001 wrote: »

Hi OP,

Did your ex not have any other siblings or family members that could have pitched in? I can understand the pressures of caring for a sick or elderly relative, it's happened in my own family and its a tremendous amount for a group of people to deal with- let alone one. Sorry for this but I don't think you've made it clear as to how it all fell on your shoulders though.

Was your ex actively involved with her relatives care, or did she just sit back and allow you to do it all? Ash23 is right, you've done something incredibly selfless and decent because you wanted to lighten your loved ones' load- and you should be proud of yourself. I don't fully agree it's what anybody would have done in your shoes, as it's a massive amount to take on but it says a lot about the kind of person you are.

I still think you've been treated really really badly though- and normally I would say that when you break up you should stop contact entirely, but in your case do you think it might be an idea to send her an email giving her an outline of what you've told us?

her family did sweet fanny adams to help.... one didnt give a **** and the other offered no financial support what so ever.

she used to ask me to go to her house to do the hard stuff cos she couldnt do it herself.

even her parent preffered me doing the mdeiation cos i could administer it properly.

i never asked her for a penny.. i have my own money... i only did it because i loved her and hated seeing her in pain. and for what? to be cast aside when it was all over.

LegacyUser · 31-01-2014 1:08am

Chara1001 wrote: »

Hi OP,and normally I would say that when you break up you should stop contact entirely, but in your case do you think it might be an idea to send her an email giving her an outline of what you've told us?

i tried but got told in no uncertain terms to f off

LegacyUser · 31-01-2014 1:21am

Emme wrote: »

He may have been giving some financial support to the OP but even so I bet it wouldn't cover a fraction of the care she gave if professionals had been hired to do it.

im the he... she is the ex... not all men are bastards. i had my own money, never asked her for money... i am not a materialistic type anyways... i dont earn alot but i earn enough to pay my own way and live a reasonable lifestyle.

i did what i thought was the right thing to do at the time.......... even her parent knew she would discard me when her parent was gone and warned me about it. i should have listened to her parent

Maura74 · 31-01-2014 9:33am

feeling used wrote: »

im the he... she is the ex... not all men are bastards. i had my own money, never asked her for money... i am not a materialistic type anyways... i dont earn alot but i earn enough to pay my own way and live a reasonable lifestyle.

i did what i thought was the right thing to do at the time.......... even her parent knew she would discard me when her parent was gone and warned me about it. i should have listened to her parent

You are a totally different person to your ex. You have conscious compared to her. Her parent knew what she was like that, but you still went ahead and did what you knew was right. Therefore you should feel exceptionally good about and do not let your ex experience of cold heartlessness diminish the care quality you possess. Can you imagine spending time with someone like that!! Count it as a blessing and that you had a lucky escape. Do not stop doing what you consider to be right thing to help someone in need. More people like you is needed in this world.

Emme · 31-01-2014 12:16pm

feeling used wrote: »

im the he... she is the ex... not all men are bastards. i had my own money, never asked her for money... i am not a materialistic type anyways... i dont earn alot but i earn enough to pay my own way and live a reasonable lifestyle.

i did what i thought was the right thing to do at the time.......... even her parent knew she would discard me when her parent was gone and warned me about it. i should have listened to her parent

You can't do anything about that now.

I suggested earlier that you could find out the hourly rate of a carer, tot up all your hours and send it to your ex as a bill. You will probably be ignored but it might help you feel better.

It might not seem that way now, but you will probably win out in the long run once you get over your ex.

Good men are hard to find and if you can put this behind you and go forward without bitterness you will eventually find somebody who will appreciate your kindness.

Again please don't carry any bitterness into a future relationship. Just bear in mind that you will win out in the end.

jimmycrackcorm · 31-01-2014 11:11pm

OP, never mind your ex or feel used. You've helped another human being at the time of their greatest need. Focus on that because it's a wonderful and rare thing. You should be proud of yourself for what you have done.

eviltwin · 31-01-2014 11:45pm

you did a really lovely, selfless thing OP. Be proud of yourself for what you did, your generosity probably made that person's last few weeks a lot more bearable....your ex is a nasty bit of work. I know its probably still very raw at the moment but hopefully in time you can count yourself lucky to be shot of her.

Stavro Mueller · 01-02-2014 6:51pm

feeling used wrote: »

i did what i thought was the right thing to do at the time.......... even her parent knew she would discard me when her parent was gone and warned me about it. i should have listened to her parent

Being devil's advocate here, why didn't you you take the parent's advice? I mean, it is strong stuff coming from a parent?

December2012 · 01-02-2014 7:15pm

Could the dumping be because she is grieving?

sadie06 · 01-02-2014 8:57pm

December2012 wrote: »

Could the dumping be because she is grieving?

I thought of this also. She may have a certain amount of guilt about the fact that she wasn't able for the more difficult tasks, and may feel reminded of that when she is around you. Grieving is a very confusing process.

Of course she could be a cold hearted person, but I'm just putting forward another possible explanation.

Stavro Mueller · 01-02-2014 9:12pm

December2012 wrote: »

Could the dumping be because she is grieving?

It's a thought but I still go back to what the OP said about the parent's warning.
Even her parent knew she would discard me when her parent was gone and warned me about it.

To me this means that either the parent knew their daughter better than the OP and could make an educated guess as to what was coming down the lines. Perhaps she had even done something along those lines before. Or they'd overheard/been told what the daughter intended to do after he/she died.

Think about it - why would the parent have warned the OP? It's not as if it was going to be to their advantage. If the OP had taken the advice and stopped being the carer, the parent could well have found him/herself in a worse situation.

Either way OP, I consider this a bullet dodged. People as cold-hearted as your ex don't deserve to have a nice partner in their lives. I hope in time you will get over this and meet someone nice. And if you're unfortunate enough to find yourself in a situation where you're being used again, please don't turn off your critical faculties.

feel used and discarded

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