I'm devasted and lost

LegacyUser

I'm a poster but going anonymous today,

My girlfriend of four years broke up with me on new years day. We had talked about it and came to a mutual agreement to do it. I only agreed to it because it might make us stronger in the future, if there is a future.
Her reason for breaking up is because she is young and doesn't want to miss out on it. While we talked about it she also said she isn't in love with me anymore but still loves me.
We agreed to still be friend but I'm finding it hard not texting her or talking to her.

Since it happened I don't know what to do, i feel like I've lost an arm or a leg. I've no one to talk to about it either. I do have friends and hobby's but there is only so much time they take up.

What do i do?

alias06

I totally understand what this is like. It’s just like a bereavement. In many ways a bereavement is easier because everyone rallies round and supports you in coming to terms with your loss. When the person you love breaks up with you most people are unaware/ don't understand what you are going through. You can feel like you have lost your twin. It’s such a lonely time.

I wish I could offer a solution but there isn't any. Allow yourself to grieve. Give it time. Get as much support as you can. You will gradually start to feel better.

McGc

Sounds cliché but give it time. It's hard going from having another half to being single again. You miss so much about them as a person and losing that can make you feel lonely. I'm glad to hear you have friends and hobbies, I'm sure coping would be a lot more difficult without any distractions. But as they say "life goes on" and its true...it does! This time next week, next month, next year it will get easier and you'll be doing fine!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply guys

McGc wrote: »

Sounds cliché but give it time. It's hard going from having another half to being single again. You miss so much about them as a person and losing that can make you feel lonely. I'm glad to hear you have friends and hobbies, I'm sure coping would be a lot more difficult without any distractions. But as they say "life goes on" and its true...it does! This time next week, next month, next year it will get easier and you'll be doing fine!

That's exactly how I feel lonely.

Is it possible being friends? So far i'm finding it hard.

Neyite

Devasted and losy wrote: »

Thanks for the reply guys


That's exactly how I feel lonely.

Is it possible being friends? So far i'm finding it hard.

You can be friends when there is no romantic feelings on either side anymore. If there is, then I'd say you can try, but you'd set yourself up for more heartbreak. Friends talk about who they fancy, who they shifted, who they shagged. I don't think you are ready to hear that from her, or ready to hang out with her and see her get off with someone else.

So I'd say leave the friendship for the moment. You can always reconnect when you have moved on.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

You can be friends when there is no romantic feelings on either side anymore. If there is, then I'd say you can try, but you'd set yourself up for more heartbreak. Friends talk about who they fancy, who they shifted, who they shagged. I don't think you are ready to hear that from her, or ready to hang out with her and see her get off with someone else.

So I'd say leave the friendship for the moment. You can always reconnect when you have moved on.

I don't think i could ever talk like that with her even if i was in another relationship.

Tokyo

Devasted and losy wrote: »

Thanks for the reply guys


That's exactly how I feel lonely.

Is it possible being friends? So far i'm finding it hard.

Honestly, in my experience of being dumped, no, or at least not in the immediate future. The hardest part of a breakup is the acceptance stage of being dumped. And hanging out with the girl in the hope that she changes her mind is only going to confuse that, and prolong the healing process. She has made her choice, she wants to be single again for her own reasons, and you need to accept that.

Cliched as it sounds, get involved in other activities, spend time with your friends. And you can let them know what is happening without going overboard - if they care about you, they’ll help you cope. And try to get on with your life - it's the only thing you can really do.

Try to avoid her socially until you’re certain things are ok, and this may take some time. You don’t need to go out of your way to avoid her, just let her know that for a while, you don’t want to see her. It is the most difficult part, yet it is also the foundation for healing. And the day you come to terms with it, is the day things start getting better.

Good luck OP. We've all been there.

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

Honestly, in my experience of being dumped, no, or at least not in the immediate future. The hardest part of a breakup is the acceptance stage of being dumped. And hanging out with the girl in the hope that she changes her mind is only going to confuse that, and prolong the healing process. She has made her choice, she wants to be single again for her own reasons, and you need to accept that.

Cliched as it sounds, get involved in other activities, spend time with your friends. And you can let them know what is happening without going overboard - if they care about you, they’ll help you cope. And try to get on with your life - it's the only thing you can really do.

Try to avoid her socially until you’re certain things are ok, and this may take some time. You don’t need to go out of your way to avoid her, just let her know that for a while, you don’t want to see her. It is the most difficult part, yet it is also the foundation for healing. And the day you come to terms with it, is the day things start getting better.

Good luck OP. We've all been there.

I've already accepted that it's over in my head but in my heart it just wont. I am carrying on with life but ever single thing reminds me of her . thank you for the reply.

MugMugs

Devasted and losy wrote: »

My girlfriend of four years broke up with me on new years day. We had talked about it and came to a mutual agreement to do it. I only agreed to it because it might make us stronger in the future, if there is a future.
Her reason for breaking up is because she is young and doesn't want to miss out on it. While we talked about it she also said she isn't in love with me anymore but still loves me.
We agreed to still be friend but I'm finding it hard not texting her or talking to her.

Since it happened I don't know what to do, i feel like I've lost an arm or a leg. I've no one to talk to about it either. I do have friends and hobby's but there is only so much time they take up.

What do i do?

Firstly, the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is the biggest cop out since the start of time. To me it's just as bad as "It's not you, it's me"

She wants to be friends.

I am sure she no doubt feels guilty about hurting you and ending the relationship and on top of that, she may not have a good time when she goes out to do what she wants to do so what better than to have her ex sitting at home pining away for her and still talking to her should she ever require the fall back.

Could you honestly handle knowing that some other lad had his hands on her last night? I couldn't.

The crux of the matter here for you is that you're hurting. Your suffering grief from a loss and the only person that you should be worried about right now is yourself. If she was so worried about you then you wouldn't be in this situation.

Your EX doesn't want you anymore, you need to act accordingly and take steps to protect yourself now.

Remove her from Facebook / Twittter / Google +
Remove her from WhatsApp / Viber

Remove her from anything that you could potentially track her by using.

You're going to think of her daily, you're going to obsess over the great times. You're going to feel pretty sh1tty for a while. But it will pass..... very slowly and very surely, she will fade from your thoughts. If you find that you are turning angry when you think about her, harness that. Go for a run, join a boxing club. Let all of that anger and those emotions out.

Join clubs. Join groups. Volunteer !

Even start going on dates if you feel up to it (personally it takes me a few months to be okay with that)

Get out there and live your life, do not be defined by the person who has hurt you.

alias06

I would agree with other posters that say it is best not to try to stay friends.

It's easy for her to say 'lets be friends'. In her heart and mind she has moved on from you. She doesn't love you anymore so you contacting her now and again makes little difference to her. But for you it will totally mess with your head.

Also while you still care about her, she doesn't really care about you anymore and this will show in her actions so you are liable to get hurt.

Look you obviously had a good relationship, but now it has run its course. Let it go. If you try to hang on to it by being friends the whole thing could turn bitter.

It will take a long time to accept this in you heart and it will come and go just like grief.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

I agree that it is difficult to be friends.
removing her from facebook, twitter, google+ viper etc etc is a good start.

You need YOU time. Not time with her in any capacity as you'll seek a closeness that is now lost and she is no longer wishing to give.
Friends = hurt and confusion (in the short term).

You can always seek out friendship at a later date should you wish that. ( that said I never have looked back and gone down that route, as ex-gf were and are ex-gf. I didnt get with them initially to be friends so why would i now?)

Additionally what always helped me was to stop putting them on a pedastal. I would think of the good times but I would always think of bad times, annoyances etc- It is always a great way to re-baseline that this person is not the be all and end all. YOU are!

LegacyUser

thanks for the replys.I'll take it on board.
I've tried deleting her on FB but I just no have the balls to do it. Not just because I love her but because Ive dedicated 4 years to that person, I've had good memories and times with her.It would be like throwing your kids baby photos out.

alias06

devasted and losy wrote: »

thanks for the replys.I'll take it on board.
I've tried deleting her on FB but I just no have the balls to do it. Not just because I love her but because Ive dedicated 4 years to that person, I've had good memories and times with her.It would be like throwing your kids baby photos out.

Fair enough if you are not ready to do that and I totally understand. My last break up I didn't delete her from facebook because 1) I still cared about her and didn't want to hurt her feelings and 2) I had good memories of her and wanted to hang on to those. So I just hid her news feed so I wouldn't see as much of her activity.

Take it at your own pace.

MugMugs

devasted and losy wrote: »

thanks for the replys.I'll take it on board.
I've tried deleting her on FB but I just no have the balls to do it. Not just because I love her but because Ive dedicated 4 years to that person, I've had good memories and times with her.It would be like throwing your kids baby photos out.

It's tough, isn't it? I genuinely know where you're coming from there. It isn't easy to do.

The longer you keep her there though, the more you will snoop. The more you will reflect and the less chance you have of moving on with your life any time soon.

Go for a run, do something you enjoy, show yourself that there's life after a break up. Once you've done that, straight away hover your finger over the unfriend button again and I guarantee you, that it'll happen.

You're heart wants her back. If you're head knows that this is over then it's time to bite the bullet and look after yourself and seeing pictures of her on your timeline or status updates thinking are they in some way meant for you or even when she does move on which could be six days, six weeks or six months down the line she flogs a photo of her and her new partner,

It Will Gut You
As difficult as it is, if this relationship is spent then you need to look after yourself.

She knows where you live and I am sure she has your number should she ever need to contact you (althought I don't why she would need to)

Think about it OP. Consider it and do it for yourself. You need to heal now and hanging onto her is not the way to go about that.

LegacyUser

Thank you, It all makes sense whats being said, It's just a matter of follwing through with the stuff.
I think hiding her is a compromise at this moment so that is going to be my first step.

ladygirl

In my experience it is not possible to stay friends with an ex. It is too dificult in the long run so you may aswel save yourself a lot of pain and cut all contact sooner rather than later.

You are unable to delete her from facebook at the moment - fair enough. Just try not to obsess over her posts - dont like, comment etc on anything..

However you should cut contact by phone, text messsage immediately. This is the easiest way for you to get your life back - being in contact is only delaying the inevitable. If she contacts you - try not to reply or simply tell her you would prefer not to be in contact anymore as you find it hard and want to move on with your life.

Also - I don't think there's much to go back to if someone says that they do not love you anymore. Every couple has problems which may be fixed - however if your partner does not love you there is no point in even trying.

also the fact that she dumped you on new years day tells me that this is not a decision that she has rushed into, I would assume that she has thought long and hard about this but didn't have the heart to break up with you over the Christmas. I know the above sounds a bit harsh but the sooner you try and move on the easier things will be on yourself on the long run.

Starokan

When you are feeling this hurt and down its best not to remain friends with her, you need to think of yourself and the best thing you can do is cut contact completely in every form. When you are more back to yourself contact with her will not effect you as much

Getting over this takes time and in some cases a lot of time. The most important thing is to occupy yourself. The more free time you have the more you will think/obsess about her. If you are concentrating on something else like work etc the less time your mind has to focus on her.

Everyone is different but when I went through a stage like this I found physical exercise the best remedy, I literally exhausted myself , it filled the time we used to spend together, it made me so tired that I just fell asleep in an instant instead of letting my mind wander.

Keep talking to people, loads of folks have gone through this, its in my opinion the worst feeling in the world but it really does get better

LegacyUser

Guys and girls thanks a huge bunch, I cant thank every post individually so thank you everyone who helped.
I feel alot better getting this stuff off my shoulders and knowing that it gets better.