How on earth do I get over my ex in this situation?

LegacyUser

I was in a wonderful relationship for heading on five years when my then OH became depressed. It was a combination of factors that lead to it, we were making plans to move in together when his family life started to crumble, couple that with problems in work and general low self esteem, it took about 6 months but there was a really really slow slide into depression. So slow I didn't even notice how bad he was until it was too late. I encouraged him to get counselling which he did, and after a couple of sessions he seemed a little brighter until he suffered an anxiety attack after work. He went straight to his doctor and was immediately put on antidepressants.

24 hours after taking the first anti depressant he was like a new man. All of a sudden full of ideas and thoughts, everything became clear to him, he told me he didn't want to move out of his family home until their problems are solved. He suffered a bit from side effects from the anti-Ds; nausea, sleepiness in the day, trouble sleeping at night and libido went from low to nil. One week after being on the anti depressants he told me he only had feelings for me as a friend, but still wanted to be my best friend, then went into utter melt down that I explained I couldn't do that if we were to break up. He calmed down and we agreed to give things a chance and take things slowly.

One week later after an evening of drinking he rings me and tells me it's over, that he just doesn't feel the same way anymore. Tells me this feels like the right thing to do, he feels better now than ever, that he hasn't felt like himself in years, and only now has recaptured who he is. Tells me "for all I know, you were the cause of my depression" and that he still wants to be friends. When I tell him I need time to think if I can be friends or not he tells me I was being irrational.

So I kept in touch with him for a couple of weeks via texts, a couple of phonecalls and one meet up. I know I shouldn't have but I was so confused and concerned for his welfare I didn't know what to do. This contact from him wildly swung between neutral "hey, I'm waiting this movie, it's great etc. etc." to ridiculous "This thing really reminds me of you!" to downright cruel. He has accused me of not being in my right mind, when I expressed upset at the breakup, told me that we can't talk to each other unless I receive psychiatric help, told me I would develop a drink problem in the aftermath of the break up (I barely drink) and told me I was the one with the problem now, I wasn't stable, and he was perfectly fine. HE told me he had solved his depression himself with help from nobody else. Granted I have been a little up and down in the aftermath, I told him I couldn't do the friends thing, and then I could, and shortly after stopped initiating contact all together, so I probably have been melting his head slightly, but nothing that would warrant committing me to an asylum anytime soon.

It's been over a month since we've spoken, the more insulting he got in his messages the more I pulled away and I stopped initiating contact as I didn't want to put myself in that position. He hasn't tried to contact me either. I've heard from mutual friends that he's doing fine, utterly normal but he won't talk about the depression or relationship break down. Aside from that he seems to be the same person to them, just a bit more energetic and willing to speak his mind.

On my side, I'm doing everything I can for me. I started counselling to help me get some perspective on this, I'm seeing more and more of my friends and I have time for hobbies I left by the wayside long ago. On the outside I seem just fine, but despite that, this whole situation is killing me. There was a man I loved and cared about very deeply, he was absolutely wonderful and we were a great match, and he disappeared overnight. This is one of the most surreal things I have ever gone through and I don't know where to turn. Part of me wants to pick up the phone and call him, on the chance the old person he was is still there.

thefeatheredcat

exisunwell wrote: »

When I tell him I need time to think if I can be friends or not he tells me I was being irrational.

exisunwell wrote: »

He has accused me of not being in my right mind, when I expressed upset at the breakup, told me that we can't talk to each other unless I receive psychiatric help, told me I would develop a drink problem in the aftermath of the break up (I barely drink) and told me I was the one with the problem now, I wasn't stable, and he was perfectly fine. HE told me he had solved his depression himself with help from nobody else.

These are a couple of things that stick out for me OP. I can't quite put my finger on it but I would see that he is projecting what he feels about himself onto you. He's painting you as mentally unstable and weak, the one with the problem, when actually that is probably more true of himself than you. He's projecting like that to turn the fault around in a way that rationalises it all for himself in his head and it probably makes sense, to him.

exisunwell wrote: »

Part of me wants to pick up the phone and call him, on the chance the old person he was is still there.

The best you can do for yourself OP is to focus on you, only you and put him out of your mind. I think it is healthier for you to be out of contact from him completely, his previous contacts have been quite negative towards you and I would feel you would be the worse off for calling him, in that you might be made feel worse about yourself by him, or be brushed off, or be told things you want to hear but are far removed from truth.

His behaviour is unsettling even to me OP but I will say this: don't worry about him. Worrying about him might distract you from your own progress and healing, and ability to get over him and the ending of your relationship. Whatever he has found in life now, you h ave to leave him to it. It's something that is outside of your hands, you have no control over it, so there is no sense in worrying over it, or over him.

All you can do, is focus on yourself. So extend yourself to your friends, your hobbies, to the things that you enjoy in life and that make you happy. Don't worry yourself over this guy or any doubts you might have about the person he was and the person he is. Focus on you. You are the priority here.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I really feel for you in this situation. I went through a pretty rough breakup myself last year. My boyfriend of seven years left me for someone else and barely gave me the time to move out of our apartment before moving her in. At the time I really thought he was having some kind of early mid-life crisis. He had been stressed with various things and I thought it was some sort of breakdown. Because up to that point he had been a lovely guy and we were always so close. I can completely empathise with your feeling that he is acting like a completely different person, that at some point he will realise that this is some kind of crazy phase. And that does make it hard to just let it go because you still care about him. For me there has been no contact and I can only recommend it. My ex is still in his "phase" and I have accepted that this was all his choice. And realised that I can do better. So will you. It's an awful time but you will feel stronger and stronger as time goes on. Everyone says this because it really is true. And not being in contact with him and focusing on yourself will lessen the time for which you feel this bad, I guarantee it.

pookie82

exisunwell wrote: »

24 hours after taking the first anti depressant he was like a new man. All of a sudden full of ideas and thoughts, everything became clear to him

One week later after an evening of drinking he rings me and tells me it's over, that he just doesn't feel the same way anymore. Tells me this feels like the right thing to do, he feels better now than ever, that he hasn't felt like himself in years, and only now has recaptured who he is. Tells me "for all I know, you were the cause of my depression" and that he still wants to be friends. When I tell him I need time to think if I can be friends or not he tells me I was being irrational.

So I kept in touch with him for a couple of weeks via texts, a couple of This contact from him wildly swung between neutral "hey, I'm waiting this movie, it's great etc. etc." to ridiculous "This thing really reminds me of you!" to downright cruel. He has accused me of not being in my right mind, when I expressed upset at the breakup, told me that we can't talk to each other unless I receive psychiatric help, told me I would develop a drink problem in the aftermath of the break up (I barely drink) and told me I was the one with the problem now, I wasn't stable, and he was perfectly fine. HE told me he had solved his depression himself with help from nobody else. Granted I have been a little up and down in the aftermath, I told him I couldn't do the friends thing, and then I could, and shortly after stopped initiating contact all together, so I probably have been melting his head slightly, but nothing that would warrant committing me to an asylum anytime soon.

It's been over a month since we've spoken, the more insulting he got in his messages the more I pulled away and I stopped initiating contact as I didn't want to put myself in that position. He hasn't tried to contact me either. I've heard from mutual friends that he's doing fine, utterly normal but he won't talk about the depression or relationship break down. Aside from that he seems to be the same person to them, just a bit more energetic and willing to speak his mind.

The above bold really jumps out at me. Have you entertained the notion that he's now experiencing a manic episode? Some of the above would certainly point to it being a possibility.

Taltos

pookie82 - welcome to PI/RI.
Please have a read of our charter - we ask posters not to give any type of medical advice or diagnosis. Please note this is a strictly moderated forum and rule breaches can result in instant bans with no prior warning.

Thanks
Taltos

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies so far. This is partly so hard as there's still a bit of me clinging to the hope that when he comes of the antidepressants, which he told me he was due to in a bit over a month, that he will revert to his old personality. It feels like the guy I knew has just been wiped out and replaced with a poor mimicry of him. Regardless of what has happened now, he was once a good guy, and didn't deserve what happened to him. At the moment I'm just so angry with his "replacement" I don't know how to act.

The issue of his medication causing some sort of break down has been mentioned by everybody close two me who I've told. It makes me want to call him and tell him that it's not right and he should go back to his doctor but now that we're separated I know that's not my place to do any more. Never mind the fact If I was honest with him at the moment I think he would just get angry and defensive.

Was I wrong to cause so much confusion over us being friends? I kept asking for time to decide and he kept putting pressure on me to make up my mind. In the end I snapped and told him no I can't be his friend, only to return a day later after I had calmed down and told him that we could try on some level. After that, he was very insulting when I said I would be at a gathering of mutual friends, told me I shouldn't go because I wasn't well, and when I did go, he looked disgusted at my arrival. In the end the evening was fine but after that point I figured if he wanted to be friends, he would initiate contact, which he hasn't done.

Part of me thinks if this were a "normal" break up it would be easier. Still hard without a doubt, but so much of this is strange I can't even begin to understand how I should behave. I can barely even believe I am describing his behaviour in these posts. It's just so out of character.

Big Bag of Chips

exisunwell wrote: »

It's just so out of character.

Ok - so at the moment you are convinced he is bahving out of character, and is a changed person because of his meds, or whatever episode he is going through that the moment. That's fair enough... so right now, while all that is going on you need to realise that nothing you do will make a difference. He has to go through this stuff and come out of it the other side before you will be able to make sense of anything, or have a reasonable conversation with him.

There is nothing you can do.

If you are determined to wait for him, and are convinced that once he's off his meds that he will revert back to the nice guy that you fell in love with, then that's all you can do... wait. But that is a risky exercise too, because he might not revert. He might come off his meds and return back to the nice guy he was, but that doesn't mean he will want to rekindle his romance with you. He might apologise to you for things he said or did during this time that would have upset you, but he might make it very clear that you are not getting back together.

Nobody can predict the future.. so it's up to you to decide, to wait in the wings (out of his way, so you are not subjected to this changed personality) for him to come back to normal, and hope that you will get back together. Or move on and accept that your relationship is over?

Nobody but you can make that decision - and either one could work out for you for the best.