Should I?

LegacyUser

Would appreciate another point of view on this, especially someone who has in fact acted on what I'm considering. I will try keep it brief and to the point...

An ex girlfriend of mine broke up with me about 2 years ago now. We dated for 2 years. I didn't see it coming at all at the time. She didn't do anything wrong at all, she just said her heart wasn't in it and ended it. To say I didn't take it well would be an understatement.

At the time I was overly melodramatic towards her and then cut her off completely. She was adamant she wanted to be friends and was genuinely upset that I wasn't having that. Other then a few texts off her out of the blue the coupla months following the break up there has been zero contact for nearly 2 years now.

Now, looking back at that whole event I cant help but face palm and think what a stupid, childish and melodramatic response I gave to the whole thing. Sure, I was upset... and understandably so. But the rest of my carry on towards her at the time was cringe worthy at best.

Two years on, every now an again she crosses my mind, not in a "longing for" kinda way, but more when a something reminds me of her and I wonder how she is doing. Then I remember how badly I took the ending of the relationship and I cant help but feel awful and feel like I should contact her.

Contact her for what you may ask? I think its genuinely just to touch base with her again, ask how she is and just generally have a bit of banter. You know, show her there are no ill feelings. So that the next time she pops into my mind (don't get me wrong it may only be every few months or so, I'm not loosing any sleep over it here) I wont be feeling like I want to face palm about how I acted when it ended.

Just to make clear I am beyond over and moved on from her.

So the question is.... should I ignore that niggledy feeling that I should make some contact with her again? ... is this ever a good idea?

AnonMouse

Hi OP,

I got completely blind sided by a break up a number of years ago myself. I didn't see it coming at all and we just left it with no contact for a few years. I had particularly bad feelings towards her, as I was broken hearted. Thing is though, we got on really well and I always wondered how she was, what she was up to in life etc.

A dear friend of mine passed away a couple of years later and that really put things into perspective for me. I.E. Life is too short to be falling out with people, especially people that you get on well with. If you liked someone enough to go out with them, they must be pretty sound, you know!

So, a couple of months after my friend died, I contacted my ex and told her what i've just told you. She was so happy to hear from me and we are still pretty good friends to this day.

Matteroffact

I don't think you should contact her again. How you reacted 2 years ago is of no consequence now. You had your reasons for reacting how you did and she knows that. It would have been much easier for her to remain friends with you than you remaining friends with her. You could contact her and she might totally ignore you or even insult you and you don't want that added on to your memories of her. It would be okay to clear your conscience if you just happened to bump into her but I would not make deliberate contact with her. All of that is in the past, you need to forget about it. Even if you did clear things up now it still wold not obliterate what happened 2 years ago, so in my opinion it is a pointless exercise and it would be better for you not to make contact.

alias06

I agree with Matteroffact. She has moved on with her life and has probably all but forgotten about you. She doesn't want to hear from you now. You might want to clear your conscience but she most likely doesn't want to know. Let it go.

Dellnum

Contacting her now is just so that you will look good in her eyes. Why do you care what she thinks of you? You dealt with it in the only way you knew how at the time. You are over her now so why bother or care what she thinks of you. You have more important things to think about. So stop trying to be something in her eyes, because that is how it will look.

alias06

You should look at this thread here about why it is a bad idea to contact an ex out of the blue:
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057131256

I made this mistake myself recently. I don't even know why I did it because it can change nothing.

Merkin

The past is often best left in the past. I wouldn't bother as I don't see what there is to gain from it.

ladygirl

An ex is an ex for a reason.. My advise is not to contact her and move on with your life..

LegacyUser

I've no contact with any of my ex's. Only one of them ended very badly and that wasn't my doing. Infidelities and dishonesty on her side. I was decent about it.

But what reason is there to have contact with an ex. In this modern society with social networks and texting I think we feel we are more connected and need to remain connected. But we are not connected. We are just voyeuring on each others lives.

There's no reason not to be polite to an ex if you bump into them while out and about but there should be no reason to stay in touch (unless there are kids). The great thing about younger relationships is the ability to walk away if the don't work and try with someone else.

nkay1985

I personally don't see an issue with contacting her. If you're fully over her and genuinely feel bad about how you acted, what is there to lose by contacting her? If she agrees to a chat, great. If not, you're no worse off than you are now. I don't see the downside myself.

username890

mmmmshouldI wrote: »

Contact her for what you may ask? I think its genuinely just to touch base with her again, ask how she is and just generally have a bit of banter. You know, show her there are no ill feelings. So that the next time she pops into my mind (don't get me wrong it may only be every few months or so, I'm not loosing any sleep over it here) I wont be feeling like I want to face palm about how I acted when it ended.

I'm a bit curious as to why you care so much about how she feels or what she thinks? Why does it concern you so much? May I also ask how old you are?

You say that there's no more feeling left and that you have moved on but it sounds like you still have something in there. Correct me if I'm wrong but your post sounds very much like you want to stir up something with her by initiating contact.

I genuinely don't think ex's can be friends, unless there were clear boundaries from both parties then maybe you can remain friends, maybe talking once a month by cordial civil texts but even so it is unnecessary.

Think about what your intentions are and deal with the issues rather than contacting her. After all, she's in your past and you're really better off focusing on your present and future.

hoodwinked

i think most of us with a track record of break ups have ones where we are embarrassed at our behaviour after it was over,after all how many people really walk away from a break up without negative feelings of some sort be it embarrassment, rage, hurt, pain, shock...etc

but rather than trying to fix it (or rewrite history) by contacting her how about you see it for what it really is?

you are embarrassed by your actions at the time, you have learned from the experience and have learned not to make that same mistake in the future if you have another break up. thats a positive step, take it use it and leave the past where it belongs...

LegacyUser

OP here again,

Thanks for the responses guys, much appreciated. Been thinking about them for a bit today.

I don't think there is a definite black and white correct answer to this question in my opinion. I think that if a relationship breaks down over something horrible, such as cheating.. etc.. then yes its good to cut ties forever as some people just don't deserve a place in your life.

But..


If the person remained faithful and genuine from start to finish and you never lost respect or care for them. They simply lost a romantic feeling towards you and genuinely wanted to be friends (and continued to try be friends by random texts for about 6 months after the break up, which I didn't answer). Then surely only good could come from talking to them again?

I take on board that she has moved on. I have too. My first gf contacted me out of the blue a time back after 3 years no contact. I was only delighted to hear from her and now we keep in contact every coupla weeks and chat about whats going on in each others lives. She was a great person back then, shes a great person now and I'm happier to have her in my life, even tho we have moved on and just talk as friends.

If I contact the girl in question and she didn't respond, or for whatever reason responds negatively then it really wont bother me at all... at least I will know I tried.

LegacyUser

@ username890

I'm 28.

I can honestly say that I have zero feelings for her. If she propositioned me I would say no without even thinking about it. My only intention is maybe getting a "hello how are things" even some sort of distant friendship.

I am very much concentrating on my present and future, but I think its good to go back some times and revisit (in a different way) good things that where left behind.