Am I overreacting

LegacyUser

Not sure if I'm reading too much into this or not.

I inadvertently found out last week that my husband of 12 years has been emailing with a woman that he knows through work. It all seems innocent so far, but they seem to be emailing each other every night.

Our relationship isn't the best, due to serious illness there has been little or no physical contact for several years. We are good friends though and have a young son.

I'm not really the jealous type, but am feeling quite annoyed that he thinks this is okay to do. He never mentions her name, I know he has several female friends as I have male friends. I just find it odd that he has never mentioned her.

So am I overreacting? I obviously have no intention of letting him know that I know about the emails.

Merkin

Were you snooping in his private email account?

I'd find it very odd that he never mentions her and yet emails her every single night, it would suggest an interest on one or both parts.

Tokyo

What was the nature of the emails? Was it work related stuff, or more personal conversation??

Ham Sambo

Seems rather odd, however the fact that you were able to read his e-mails shows that he obviously didn't go to any length to hide them, would this woman have a reason to send daily e-mails to your husband? would his work dictate?

m'lady

If the emails are not work related then no, you are not over reacting at all. If my other half was e-mailing a woman every night I would have to find out why.. As far as I'm concerned he shouldn't *want* to talk to another woman on such a regular basis, as I should be the one he talks to, and I know he'd feel the exact same in the reverse situation.
Personally I would not accept the 'we're friends' card, friends do not have to email every night (especially when one or both parties is married).

I think you need to tell him what you have found and give him the chance to explain why he is having so much contact with this woman, otherwise resentment will build up and you could say it in an argument. Perhaps ask yourself are you there for him in the evening, or are you doing other things a lot of the time that don't involve him? I am by no means trying to shift the blame here, but merely trying to see both sides.

LegacyUser

The emails are not work related, they don't actually work together, just in the same location.

The content is fairly innocent, such as how are you? what you doing etc... but he has started signing off with 'night hon' or night night love.

To be honest I'm not even sure now if I want to save the relationship, I just don't like the way things are being carried out behind my back.

Last night he asked me if I was going home to my parents for a week - I would often visit them around this time - they live abroad. but he has never asked me about it before.

I'm not sure if I'm reading too much into things.
He doesn't spend much time with me, things have changed a lot since he was sick. The moment our son goes to bed, he goes upstairs playing games whilst I stay downstairs watching TV.

I have tried to talk to him on previous occasions about our relationship (before all this started) but he always says I'll try but nothing changes.

I guess that financially we couldn't afford to seperate, and I believe in trying to work things through as much as possible.

Matteroffact

guestuser wrote: »

he has started signing off with 'night hon' or night night love.

I don't like the sound of that at all. Sorry OP but in my opinion there is something going on there. It needs to be confronted before it gets out of hand. It could fizzle out but not before it gets worse. You need to have a discussion with him about what he wants from you. He could feel at the moment that your marriage is a lost cause so you need to show him that you want things to get better between you. You have got the warning now so my advice is to act on it. You don't even have to pretend you saw these emails, just get together with him and trash out how this marriage can be improved before it is too late.

Grayfoxy

Op,

Sorry, I don't want to be a negative nancy here, but alarm bells are ringing for me on this, perhaps from my own experience...

I had a best friend who I knew for about 4 years, about 2 years ago I was made aware (by his wife of 12 years) that she caught him having an affair for a year with a girl he worked with, main contact was emails, no texts. Anyway, fights and the whole lot, she took him back.

Then..... (and here is the kicker) in Jun, I come home to find this friend in bed with my fiancée of 5 years. I left the house and knew from that moment it was over, the next day I went into her emails to see what I could find, lone behold, tonnes of emails like the ones you described as well as the lovey dovey ones, yea, it broke my heart, what kills me is, she had asked me about a month before I found out what was going on, to go into her mails and get the order number for something she had ordered online, the emails between her and this guy had been going on since December, you think I noticed them when I went to check the online order stuff?

Anyway, I don't want to put ideas into your head, that is just my experience and I don't have a good feeling about what you have said.

I would discuss it out straight with him, both the emails and the relationship.

Put it this way, does he talk about his other female friends? If so, why doesn't he talk about this one? Why does he feel he needs to keep it from you?

I really do hope it works out for you and there is nothing going on!

Tokyo

Hmm, yeah, I tend to agree with the above comments then. It doesn't sounds like anything is going on yet, but it does sound like he's testing the waters a little in terms of seeing if this female friend likes him...

But OP, forgive me for saying this, but from the language you use, it doesn't sound like you are overly invested in this relationship either. You state that your "relationship isn't the best", and describe it as being "good friends"..... and by your own admission you are just "annoyed that he thinks this is okay to do". I may be overanalysing the language you use here but it doesn't seem like much of a relationship to me, from both of your points of view. It feels like you had given up to a certain degree yourself before you discovered these emails.

I think you need to talk to your husband about these emails of course, but there seems to be a bigger, much more complex bigger picture here to talk about too...

Hannibal Smith

I have two male friends that I met online that I chat to daily, one of them we've met. My golden rule is....if you're having a conversation that needs to be hidden. ..there's something more to it. Ive never hidden these friends or conversations from my husband.

So...my thinking would be...if he's keeping a friendship secret...why?

That said it sounds like yourself and your husband aren't that close and im wondering are you hoping there I more to the emails so that would be away out?

Do you want your marriage to improve?

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you say you "obviously have no intention" of letting him know you saw the emails? Why not?

I understand that you are confused at the moment, but you are contradicting yourself. You say you're not sure if you want to sort it out, then say you believe that that things should be worked through as much as possible.

Most marriages go through patches of not being much fun. Things can go stale. People can get comfortable with each other and just not make the effort to communicate anymore. Other people can seem more interesting etc.

Unless you talk to him, and you cannot possibly talk to him without letting him know that you've seen, and continue to check, the emails between them, things are not going to change.

It's easy to get stuck in a rut, and it takes a bit of effort to come back out of it. But it is possible, you just need to be honest with each other, and yourself. Have you already decided it's the end of the road, and your only staying together because of the hassle of separating? Or would you genuinely like to sort your marriage out?