Online dating success possible if you're not a babe?

kob29

Is there anyone on here who has actually had success at online dating (& who is just normal average looking).

I have been sticking with this for a long while now and without any success.
Men in their mid 30s and 40s seem to have seriously high expectations for who they go after.

Im being cold analytical here now but I dont always feel this way and get upset when yet again Im bypassed after what seems like promising chat and even dates set up that never come to fruition.
Has anyone actually mastered the art of outshining the babe? :rolleyes:

george_lucas

kob29 wrote: »

Is there anyone on here who has actually had success at online dating (& who is just normal average looking).

I have been sticking with this for a long while now and without any success.
Men in their mid 30s and 40s seem to have seriously high expectations for who they go after.

Im being cold analytical here now but I dont always feel this way and get upset when yet again Im bypassed after what seems like promising chat and even dates set up that never come to fruition.
Has anyone actually mastered the art of outshining the babe? :rolleyes:

any guy in his mid thirties to forties who thinks he,s entitled to a super model is seriously deluded

I met my girlfriend on a dating site , she is beautiful to me but I suspect most people would probably not class her as a " babe " , I love everything about her however

ignore those idiot guys who are deluded like I said

kob29

But how does one actually spike enough interest then to considered beyond the obvious beauties?

LegacyUser

I met my boyfriend on line, I am definitely not a babe. I never got much attention on line, was on pof. I know my boyfriend is not the type to go for a babe and I'm sure I def didn't get the last one. I hope it Works out for you, it is worth it for that one person.

LovelyLottie

Success in any kind of dating scenario is not down to being 'a beauty'. It's about clicking or making some sort of connection with another person. It's not down to being 'a babe' or some sort of super model. Of course 2 people need to fancy each other but there's a lot more to chemistry than just looks.

Perhaps you've been doing the online dating thing for so long now that you've become too driven and men sense this? Maybe you're not considering guys who might be interested in you because you have a fixed idea of what you're looking for? No criticism to you at all, I know first-hand how it is when you're searching very hard for a relationship that's the last thing you'll find.

Be yourself on dates, try to be interesting yourself and listen to the other person to show you're interested in them, try to be a good conversationalist, don't be needy and desperate (hide it if you have to!), make the best of how you look and if they don't want you, then that just wasn't for you. Maybe give the online dating a break for a while and focus on doing some things that will get you out and about and meeting people in a non-dating context.

If you keep doing what you've always done, nothing will change. Try something new. Good luck.

lajoie

I think firstly, you shouldn't feel like you have to compare or compete with anyone else on there. Don't forget that a massive amount of people on those sites use seriously photo-shopped images or even completely different peoples photos! So it's hard to know exactly who actually is a "babe" as you put it.

But secondly, maybe you need to consider whether you'd want to be with such shallow men anyway? It seems pretty bad if they are only chasing women with cliché "hot" photographs... maybe they're not worth your time? I know it might sound cheesy, but the I reckon right man will think you're the most gorgeous woman ever and you should embrace all the things you love about yourself too!

Taltos

OP there is a dedicated Online Dating forum here - please read this thread on how to get access. You might get better advice there - if you decide to join and post this question there please let us know and we will close this thread.

Cheers
Taltos

Meauldsegosha

I met my boyfriend on line. Would I be considered a babe, no probably not. But I'm a babe to him. He tells me I'm beautiful and that's enough for me. We're in our 40's. I was doing on line for 2 years before I met him. And I had my fair share of dates during that time. Maybe you need to look at your profile (the on line dating forum is great for advice) or maybe it's how you come across in messages. I can be sarcastic but that doesn't always come across in the written form.

Good luck.

AnonMouse

kob29 wrote: »

But how does one actually spike enough interest then to considered beyond the obvious beauties?

There are all shapes and sizes on dating websites, so don't worry about not being the best looking person on there. There is always someone who will find you attractive. That was my experience anyway.

The best way to get people interested is to write a really good profile, that accurately describes you. When I was writing mine, I looked at other guys profiles to see what they were writing. Then I wrote something completely different. A lot of people say the same thing in their profile. Stuff along the lines of:

"live life to the full", "love watching the football", love socialising, but love cosy nights in too". Check them out, many profiles will have at least one of them statements in them.

Just think outside the box and write something that is unique. Maybe write from the heart rather than the head and you will come up with something good

I wish you well.

LegacyUser

The best way to get people interested is to write
a really good profile, that accurately describes
you. When I was writing mine, I looked at other
guys profiles to see what they were writing. Then
I wrote something completely different. A lot of
people say the same thing in their profile. Stuff
along the lines of:
"live life to the full", "love watching the football",
love socialising, but love cosy nights in too".
Check them out, many profiles will have at least
one of them statements in them.

this Op.
I've had pretty good luck on dating sites and I'm far from a babe, now while it did take a while to find a guy I really clicked with I eventually met my boyfriend. My friend by comparison just kept meeting fickle men and never got past one or two dates and she's far better looking than me. I deliberately wrote a sincere profile that was really me, rather than what I thought guys wanted to hear. Not bitchy or man hating or bitter and absolutely none of that list of things/personality traits i like/want in a partner crap (which is so off putting to both men and women). Just a profile that was quirky, heartfelt and personal. Guys always commented on how different and interesting my profile was. My friend by comparison has the usual cliches and just kept meeting fickle guys only out for one thing.

Its also really easy to get distracted by guys looks on these sites. Not saying this applies to you OP but its something to keep in mind. Its very easy to overlook glaring red flags in someone's profile or messages they send you, because you find them attractive. Sometimes, and this happened me a lot too in the beginning, you start building up a picture of who you want the person you're chatting with to be, rather than really judging (for want of a better word) the online conversation and deciding if that person is really someone who you could connect with and share the same values and outlook with.

I'm not blaming you at all OP don't get me wrong, but from my experience the key to online dating is being a good judge of character, or at least trying your best to get a good sense of someone before deciding if its worth meeting up. The minute your intuition kicks in and you start thinking hmm I'm not sure I liked that comment/opinion, or maybe he'll be nicer/different when we meet its time to knock it on the head before you get too involved.

Also it may sound obvious but if you want a relationship messaging someone who says they 'want to date but nothing serious' or any other various non relationship wanting options is completely pointless. No matter how nice these guys are to chat to, or what they say they may want in the future if they meet 'the right woman', there's no point fooling yourself, if someone is really seeking a relationship they will state it explicitly from the outset.

Hope all that rambling was of some use OP

beks101

There was an interesting Ted Talk on the subject of online dating a while back that offered some great advice and insight into what attracts men on these sites.

The woman who wrote it, Amy Webb, is hardly a "babe". But she pulled up some interesting research on what worked for her in attracting attention and eventually, the right guy.

In short, it was about putting her best foot forward online - uploading happy, smiling pictures that expressed her hobbies and adventurous side, and wording her profile positively and in an upbeat way.

Definitely worth a watch.

http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_webb_how_i_hacked_online_dating.html

FollatonWood

My online dating profile is pretty detailed, with the aim of weeding out the 'messers' , but also to get across as much as my personality as possible on paper - and it's worked for me. I've dated a few guys from online and normally get a reply to anyone I contact - and I wouldn't consider myself to be above average looking in a classical sense, I'm more 'quirky' I'm told...whatever the fcuk that actually means!

I'd say that being interesting is the most important thing, because a lot of the girls in there seem to write the same oul sh1te, i.e. 'luv gn owt wi d girlz' and from what the guys say who message me..it's a novelty to come across a girl with something original to say for herself!

Granted, I haven't used it much lately, but that's been my experience.

The Corinthian

kob29 wrote: »

Men in their mid 30s and 40s seem to have seriously high expectations for who they go after.

You're not going to like this, but that's because men can afford to have higher expectations, due to the demographics of dating sites. I had to do analysis on dating sites a few yeas back for a client and learned a few things about them.

To begin with, the majority of dating sites have a majority of women, over men. For example:

Plenty of Fish: 44% Men, 56% Women
Match.com: 45% Men, 55% Women
OK Cupid: 51% Men, 49% Women
Chemistry.com: 28% Men, 72% Women
eHarmony: 31% Men, 69% Women

This trend increases with age; sites that cater twoards younger people (20 - 30) will have more equal numbers or even majority male membership. Once you go over age 30, membership becomes predominantly female, until you reach pensionable age, when it becomes predominantly male again.

As an aside, it should be noted that it's not only men that are picky, it's women too - but generally for different things. One study that was done showed that the number of approaches a man would get from women was directly correlated to his stated income. A range of simelar profiles were shown, differentiated only be their stated incomes and consistently those earning over 100k USD received more interest.

It's hardly surprising, as a result, that income is the thing that men are most likely going to lie about on their profile. For women, btw, it's either going to be age or weight.

Importantly, forty does not mean the same thing to men, biologically, as it does to women. We can afford to wait and be picky, while women are less able to, which shows, because many female profiles are pretty clear about what their target is.

Which brings us to the other reason why it might seem difficult to a lot of women. The gender roles of seduction are such that women tend not to have to sell themselves as actively as men do. Men, from our teenage years have to learn how to approach a women, aggressively sell our good points, entertain her and make her happy to be in our company. And then we also have to take rejection, more often than not.

Once over thirty, the demographics, on such sites, turn against women, which puts women in a situation whereby they have to sell themselves far more aggressively that they would have in their twenties.

As such, what beks101 suggested is a very good idea; presenting yourself in a positive fashion. Get good photos done, for example, blurred or unappealing photos that do you no justice will just cause someone to move onto the next profile.

Importantly, be careful what you write in your profile. It's amazing how many women write things like "I'm looking for a serious relationship". Sure you do, but to most men that reads like "I want to settle down and breed. Mammal with penis required." Serious turn-off.

You also don't want to go overboard listing criteria for what you're looking for in a man. Another serious turn-off.

Overall, you want to sell yourself "positively and in an upbeat way", as beks101 suggested, and avoid giving the impression that:

• You want to settle down with anyone who ticks enough boxes and you have a timetable.
• You're ditzy and a disaster with money. Especially other people's money.
• You're a princess / high maintenance.

Good luck.

loveisdivine

Don't just stick to the traditional online dating sites. Are there any particular bands/hobbies etc you enjoy that have forums on the net?

I met my husband on the fans forum for a particular band. We ended up meeting in real life when we (the forum) arranged a group trip to go and see the band live in Paris. We hit it off that night and then kept in touch through the forum/phone after that.

I actually lived in England at the time, we ended up flying back and forth to see each other, then I gave in and moved here

Don't restrict yourself to match making sites. Theres lots of other ways to meet people on the net.

Geomy

Im done with the online dating, I find it's too mechanical and superficial.
It suit's people into partying and hooking up or people who are shy.

As an outgoing person I found the online chat very drab and almost like putting a square peg into a round hole.

There's some nice people there, but I just found it too plastic and soulless, didn't suit my earthy personality :-)

I wish you luck there

LegacyUser

OP, you can try meetup.com. Don't focus on dating the right person, but expanding your social circles and meet people with similar interests. I met my husband there and we were friends for quite a while before we really started. I did not expect it would be him. At that time, I was prepared to be single all my life and was indeed starting to enjoy to be on my own and to enjoy people's company without thinking too much. Then, magic happened. I know it sounds old, but it really is that it happens when you least expect. Enjoy your single life. Have fun.

GreeBo

Geomy wrote: »

Im done with the online dating, I find it's too mechanical and superficial.
It suit's people into partying and hooking up or people who are shy.

As an outgoing person I found the online chat very drab and almost like putting a square peg into a round hole.

There's some nice people there, but I just found it too plastic and soulless, didn't suit my earthy personality :-)

I wish you luck there

Then just strange to meet people earlier?

OP I think effort put into your profile txt and images comes back in results. I ignore good-looking girls with poor profiles or bad photos, rightly or wrongly I make assumptions about their personalities based on how they present themselves and what they have to say about themselves.

ILikeBananas

The thing about online dating is that it gives the false impression that the most attractive people are readily available and approachable. Since in online dating the vast majority of opening messages are Male-> Female this results in the top 10% or so of women (rated by attractiveness) receiving something like 90% of the messages. An experiment carried out on OK Cupid shows this phenonemenon.

If this was replicated in a night club it'd be like all of the men thronging around the hottest women trying to chat them up. Thankfully this doesn't happen for various reasons with the result that the women of more average attractiveness receive plenty of attention. On-line though where it's so easy to 'approach' anyone and you can't even see all of the other people who are doing the same this isn't the case.

So, OP if you want to attract men you're probably going to have to work a little bit harder. This means putting more effort into writing a witty and unique profile (avoiding such tired meaningless phrases as "I like nights out and night in" and "my friends and family are very important to me") and also contacting men yourself if you don't already do so.

As someone who's being on it for a couple of months I can testify that it's not for the thin skinned. Often it feels like you're skating on thin ice, just a wrongly taken comment away from never hearing from the person again. Keep plugging away though. After all you only need to be lucky once.

brent_popey

The Corinthian wrote: »

You're not going to like this, but that's because men can afford to have higher expectations, due to the demographics of dating sites. I had to do analysis on dating sites a few yeas back for a client and learned a few things about them.

To begin with, the majority of dating sites have a majority of women, over men. For example:

Plenty of Fish: 44% Men, 56% Women
Match.com: 45% Men, 55% Women
OK Cupid: 51% Men, 49% Women
Chemistry.com: 28% Men, 72% Women
eHarmony: 31% Men, 69% Women

This trend increases with age; sites that cater twoards younger people (20 - 30) will have more equal numbers or even majority male membership. Once you go over age 30, membership becomes predominantly female, until you reach pensionable age, when it becomes predominantly male again.

As an aside, it should be noted that it's not only men that are picky, it's women too - but generally for different things. One study that was done showed that the number of approaches a man would get from women was directly correlated to his stated income. A range of simelar profiles were shown, differentiated only be their stated incomes and consistently those earning over 100k USD received more interest.

It's hardly surprising, as a result, that income is the thing that men are most likely going to lie about on their profile. For women, btw, it's either going to be age or weight.

Importantly, forty does not mean the same thing to men, biologically, as it does to women. We can afford to wait and be picky, while women are less able to, which shows, because many female profiles are pretty clear about what their target is.

Which brings us to the other reason why it might seem difficult to a lot of women. The gender roles of seduction are such that women tend not to have to sell themselves as actively as men do. Men, from our teenage years have to learn how to approach a women, aggressively sell our good points, entertain her and make her happy to be in our company. And then we also have to take rejection, more often than not.

Once over thirty, the demographics, on such sites, turn against women, which puts women in a situation whereby they have to sell themselves far more aggressively that they would have in their twenties.

As such, what beks101 suggested is a very good idea; presenting yourself in a positive fashion. Get good photos done, for example, blurred or unappealing photos that do you no justice will just cause someone to move onto the next profile.

Importantly, be careful what you write in your profile. It's amazing how many women write things like "I'm looking for a serious relationship". Sure you do, but to most men that reads like "I want to settle down and breed. Mammal with penis required." Serious turn-off.

You also don't want to go overboard listing criteria for what you're looking for in a man. Another serious turn-off.

Overall, you want to sell yourself "positively and in an upbeat way", as beks101 suggested, and avoid giving the impression that:

• You want to settle down with anyone who ticks enough boxes and you have a timetable.
• You're ditzy and a disaster with money. Especially other people's money.
• You're a princess / high maintenance.

Good luck.

was always led to believe that their were something like six times as many guys on online dating sites as women

your statistics are a huge surprise to me

Cupcake_Crisis

I met the guy im currently seeing through an online dating site. I'm definitely not what you'd call a babe but things seem to be going well. If you're feeling that disillusioned about it though it will come across in how you interact with people.

The Corinthian

brent_popey wrote: »

was always led to believe that their were something like six times as many guys on online dating sites as women

It's more complicated than simply male-female ratios I believe. Age is a big factor; for example in the under-thirty bracket there probably are significantly more men than women, it's over thirty that the ratio begins to turn against women, up to about sixty when, apparently, it turns against men again.

Why the ratios are like this is probably also down to good old fashioned supply and demand and the gender dynamics of sex and relationships; for example dating sites that are more geared towards hook-ups or swinging will have many times more men than women. Basically, how our species seems to work is that women are the gatekeepers to sex, but men are the gatekeepers to relationships.

Even were the rations not skewed, as the article supplied by ILikeBananas showed, people seem to behave differently to how they would in the Real World; both genders seem to feel entitled to someone who were they to meet under different circumstances, would be 'out of their league' because they want to get the 'best deal' they can.

I've met girlfriends via the Internet, although always through sites devoted to common interests, like relaxrelaxrelax suggested, rather than dating sites.

But I have had profiles on one or two of them and the number of female profiles I've seen, even a majority, that scream high-maintenance or looking for a sperm doner is frightening, once you hit your thirties. Again, I think it's because people tend to 'get the best deal' they can and dating sites appears to encourage a more consumerist, box-ticking approach to finding someone.

So I'd look at how you portray yourself in your profile, but also look at online alternitives to dating sites, such as meetup, as was suggested.

nc19

OP - if i was to find myself single at my age (34) and i used the website i would have no interest it the type of girl others would consider a babe.

There are blokes out there that want you. Are you sure you have not turned down some fellas based on their looks?