controlling mother?

LegacyUser

Title says it all. I basically want to know if the way my mother is acting is controlling and manipulative, or if I am overreacting. Its really starting to affect me.

I'm 26, just finished college and living out of home. I live in a house my father owns and pay a minimal amount of rent to him for it. My brother (30) lives at home, on the dole, does not pay rent/food money etc. This is not a huge issue to me. I have come to accept that I cannot change their relationship with him.

I find that my mother dictates the feelings of everyone else in the family. She seems to thrive on being miserable and is never happy. She tells me they have money trouble and has cried in front of me about it, and then the following day buys a watch or coat. I had been suffering from depression for the last year or two. Although she knows the ins and outs of the situation (I have always been honest) she recently came by to tell me I'm not depressed, I'm just having a hard time and why did I always have to be in a bad mood, its putting too much stress on her. For the record I am not always in a bad mood, I don't go to see them when I am.

I went over today and she gave out to me for not having gone to see them since thursday. And when I went over she told me she was miserable and wanted to go to sleep and wake up next year. Can you blame me for not wanting to deal with this every day? My brother is a big source of stress for her, but she enables him to do this and I refuse to get dragged into that relationship anymore. Theres nothing I can do about it.

I recently got a job interview, and then a second interview for a position in my local town. She has shown little enthusiasm and hasn't congratulated me. This is because the job is, in her opinion, beneath my skill level and not good enough. She actually said she'd prefer I went on social welfare and waited for something better. Its a perfectly good job. She has access to my bank account and regularly moves money around without telling me, even blocked me out of my account before trying to remember the PIN. I have had the same account since I was about 15 and she knew the PIN then. She continues to use it.

I guess the biggest problem is that, with simple things like the PIN... I know its not normal for a parent to do things like that, not at my age. But I feel like I can't say anything to her about it because there would be World War 3. I would be the worst child in the world and after everything she has done etc. etc. It would cause absolute mayhem.

I don't know what to do

tinkerbell

OP, why the heck does your mother have your PIN number for your bank account? There's a very simple solution here ... CHANGE IT. At 26, this should be a no brainer.

And who cares what she thinks of the job? It's a job, you need to work, gain some independence. If you are happy with it, that is all that matters. If it's so stressful to visit them, just don't visit them that regularly. Get a job and earn some money so you can stand on your own two feet and move out. The longer you stay living in your dad's house paying a nominal rent, the more control they have over you.

Tokyo

dhfgdfdgjfglsk wrote: »

Title says it all. I basically want to know if the way my mother is acting is controlling and manipulative, or if I am overreacting.

um... yes. But from what I've read in your post, you seem to need just as much validation from her, as she seemingly needs control over your life.

AS tinkerbell posted, change your PIN as soon as you can. You can do it at any of your bank's ATM's. To be honest, if any of my family were moving money in and out of my account, I'd be concerned. Has she ever explained to you why she needed to do this? Or is she just moving money OUT of your account and into her own??

At 26, your life should very much be your own. You don't need validation from anybody to live where you want, work where you want, apply for a new job where you want. "But she's your mother..." doesn't mean you have to bow down to her every whim, particularly when it's impacting your life to the level that it is.

Merkin

dhfgdfdgjfglsk wrote: »

But I feel like I can't say anything to her about it because there would be World War 3. I would be the worst child in the world and after everything she has done etc.

Your language speaks volumes because it is quite clear you haven't exerted the fact that you are a grown adult of 26 to her. She is treating you like a child of six or seven and you seem to be accepting of it. My jaw nearly hit the floor when I read about your PIN and account access, this is highly abnormal behaviour, both to have this access on her part and you for complying unquestioningly. :eek:

Change your PIN, stop telling her so much (like applying for the job, you're obviously seeking validation) and stop ALLOWING her to interfere. She's not going to change so it's up to you to reestablish a typical healthy adult/parent dynamic which is currently non existent.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Your language speaks volumes because it is quite clear you haven't exerted the fact that you are a grown adult of 26 to her. She is treating you like a child of six or seven and you seem to be accepting of it. My jaw nearly hit the floor when I read about your PIN and account access, this is highly abnormal behaviour, both to have this access on her part and you for complying unquestioningly. :eek:

Change your PIN, stop telling her so much (like applying for the job, you're obviously seeking validation) and stop ALLOWING her to interfere. She's not going to change so it's up to you to reestablish a typical healthy adult/parent dynamic which is currently non existent.

I know the PIN thing is abnormal, anyone I've told has been shocked by it. I know I need to change it but in a way I'm afraid she will find out and go spare. I know its not a reasonable reaction but she would absolutely go mental. I'd get called ungrateful, etc etc. We had a big stand off recently because I asked her to drop me a text before calling over to my house. I have told all my friends to do this because I like to know if someones coming over naturally and I let her know when I'm visiting home. She has taken it so personally and basically refuses to do it. Ignores my asking her and whenever I ask she walks off in a mood. My dad practically asked me to apologise to her recently for asking! I don't understand it...

Whenever I don't talk to her in detail about my life she gets moody and like I said when I hadnt been home to see her in 4 days I got interrogated over it. So thats difficult too.

I accept your points as they are very valid, I suppose what I'm asking is HOW do I reestablish a healthy adult/parent dynamic. Its very difficult with living under their roof too

Tokyo

opgkdfldhsfjg wrote: »

I know the PIN thing is abnormal, anyone I've told has been shocked by it. I know I need to change it but in a way I'm afraid she will find out and go spare. I know its not a reasonable reaction but she would absolutely go mental. I'd get called ungrateful, etc etc.

I really don't get this. Why exactly does she need access to your account? Does she help herself to your money? Why would she consider it as inconsiderate of you changed your PIN?? This is the part I really don't understand....

We had a big stand off recently because I asked her to drop me a text before calling over to my house. I have told all my friends to do this because I like to know if someones coming over naturally and I let her know when I'm visiting home. She has taken it so personally and basically refuses to do it. Ignores my asking her and whenever I ask she walks off in a mood. My dad practically asked me to apologise to her recently for asking! I don't understand it...

Have you tried just not answering the door? I don't think that a text message is an unreasonable request now and again. Maybe she'd get the hint if you weren't around for a few visits.....

Whenever I don't talk to her in detail about my life she gets moody and like I said when I hadnt been home to see her in 4 days I got interrogated over it. So thats difficult too.

TBH, she sounds very controlling, but it also sounds like you let the woman walk all over you too, and your dad seems to just want everyone to go alone with it for want of a quieter life. At the moment it sounds a bit like you are all living in each others pockets - was her temperament like this when you were away at college??? Or is it something that has just resurfaced since you have returned to the village??

Merkin

Are you in full time employment? I know you've applied for a new job but are you actually working and earning a salary? If so it's quite simple, you need to move out and hack off those apron strings (and noose!!) sharpish. You need to get some distance between you.

And your first small step in asserting yourself is to change your PIN, she'll get over it.

Seriously, YOU need to stop facilitating her behaviour because its NOT normal behaviour at all.

Flippyfloppy

1. Change pin or change bank account


2. Don't answer the door unless she texts....wait...she's got a key because it's your dad's house doesn't she /facepalm/

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

I really don't get this. Why exactly does she need access to your account? Does she help herself to your money? Why would she consider it as inconsiderate of you changed your PIN?? This is the part I really don't understand....



Have you tried just not answering the door? I don't think that a text message is an unreasonable request now and again. Maybe she'd get the hint if you weren't around for a few visits.....



TBH, she sounds very controlling, but it also sounds like you let the woman walk all over you too, and your dad seems to just want everyone to go alone with it for want of a quieter life. At the moment it sounds a bit like you are all living in each others pockets - was her temperament like this when you were away at college??? Or is it something that has just resurfaced since you have returned to the village??

She doesnt need access to my account, but she does have it clearly. She will take money out and put into her account to cover bills until she gets paid and then moves it back. I have no problem helping out with this but I hate the fact that she goes into my account and does it without asking. I have told her before I want her to stop going into my account and taking money but she seems to think I'm insinuating that she has to come and beg me for money and again gets in a mood. I can't even imagine the fallout if she found out I changed the PIN. But I recognise its a necessary move and I will do it soon.

I asked her to text me when she knew she was coming over. Spontaneous visits are understandably now and then. She just ignores it. Its hard to pretend I'm not there because there is a window beside my front door which she stares into. It freaks me out to be honest.

I probably do let her walk all over me, but its very difficult to stand up for myself because my dad backs her up. I dont know why, theyve had their own problems. She has always been like this but I think as I get older and move away it gets worse. When I was younger for example my parents would fight a lot and my dad moved out a number of times. Traumatizing enough for me, I also didnt get along with my brother much, but I was told explicitly not to tell any of my friends what was going on. She used to check my phone to make sure I wasnt telling anyone and to see if my dad had been in touch with me.

I still feel like a teenager.

Ham Sambo

Up to a point in your first post I had you Mum figured out as a typical Irish Mammy who fusses over her kids regardless how old they were, but when you came to the bit about control over your bank account I thought this didn't sound right.

Just as a matter of interest, why has your Mum got access and control over your bank account? you have to take back control over your own life, start off by either changing your pin number or change banks, at the moment it would appear your Mum has control over your life right now and you need to take it back, as one poster stated you are not a child. However I would advise you to keep on top of the mental health issues you have because you have to look after yourself in this respect.

Perhaps if you stand up to her a bit more then she might respect you for doing so, regarding your brother, it's as simple as this..you are not your brothers keeper, you have enough to be getting on with, take care of yourself and good luck!!

R.D. aka MR.D

What is the worst thing that would happen if you stood up to her?
She would get angry and shout at you? So what? It would be unpleasant for a while but wouldn't it be worth it so that she doesn't have access to your bank account at 26!!!!!!

ladygirl

OP

Change your PIN immediately. If she freaks out - so be it(she will get over it in time). I also would suggest you change your phone and internet banking if you have it set up.

Has she got a second bankcard for your account to say that she has access to your money?? If so cancel all existing cards and order a new card and pin.

What could be an easier option is if you were to switch banks, If she asks why just tell her that your being charged too much in fees with your existing bank. It might eliminate her thinking of you "going behind her back"

If she asks about phone and internet banking say it has not been set up..

You shouldnt have to stoop to these levels but it may it an easier option of regaining control of your finances

OP your mother is WAYYYYY too controlling and I suggest you nip it in the bud now cause if you dont it will get worse with time. No one should have that kind of control over your finances.

Also congratulations on the Job - no one should be encouraged to sit on the dole if there is employment available and the experience you will get from any job will prove invaluable for any future employment opportunities.

Best of luck op

FactCheck

Is the moaning about money a passive-aggressive way of hinting that they are fed up of subsidising you living in a house they own and paying only "nominal" rent?

You need to cut the apron strings but unfortunately that will also mean paying your own way.

homemadecider

opgkdfldhsfjg wrote: »

I can't even imagine the fallout if she found out I changed the PIN. But I recognise its a necessary move and I will do it soon.

What's the delay? Do it NOW.

Worst case scenario is your mother will be angry at you. Like someone else said, so what? She will calm down in time. It's not your problem.

Yes, she is treating you like a teenager, but equally you are allowing her to do so. Cut the apron strings, starting with sorting out your bank account.

LegacyUser

I think some people are being very critical of the OP. Yes it's obvous she needs to make some changes. However, living with a mother who is as controlling as this makes a huge dent in your ability to fuction as an adult and I suspect the OP has no experience of how to stand up to her mother and no idea about how to start changing what she knows needs to be changed.

Hard as it is to believe, living with this type of control leaves one completely unable to make decisions alone, makes you doubt every single thought that you have that's not fed to you by said parent. It leaves your self esteem and self confidence non existant - think of it this way, it never had a chance to be there in the first place so building it now and changing things over night is impossible, you simply don't know how!

I had a parent similar to the OPs. Once I was left alone I had absolutely no clue how to function. Even if I knew what I needed to change, I had no clue how to go about it without her absolute control. I couldn't even order a sandwich at one point as she had always told me what to order. And I wasn't a lot younger than the OP. It's debilitating and when you have been raised in this environment you have nothing to compare it to and know no different.

OP I attended years of counselling and feel I still need more. I still seek her approval desparately and have a really hard time taking criticism from anyone but especially her. I allow people to walk all over me most of the time and have terrible issues speaking my mind and seeing myself as an equal to others. It's done me huge damage and I can see now how abusive my life was until my mid 20's. I would urge you to little by little to try and assert some control over your life, however small (the PIN being one) and go and speak to someone.

I wish you all the very best.

LegacyUser

opgkdfldhsfjg wrote: »

I suppose what I'm asking is HOW do I reestablish a healthy adult/parent dynamic. Its very difficult with living under their roof too

I don't think you can, because she won't allow it.

It's unfortunate but there is no adult / parent dynamic. It is a young child / parent dynamic that you have. She has not broken the child / parent dynamic in her head and that is extremely unhealthy for you.

If you want to try to start that process, then you have to start acting like an adult and drawing up your own boundaries as to what is, and what is not, acceptable to you as an adult.

If you don't want her to judge you, then don't tell her anything.

If you want her approval (and you've never had it before) then you may be waiting some time.

I would firstly change the PIN as a first step. If she reacts badly just say that you have received a new card and there is a new PIN with it. If she asks for the new pin, this is your chance to say that that does not suit you and that you would rather her call when she needs money transferred.

Or, open another bank account and transfer most of your money into that and just tell her that you're spending a lot so she can't rely on money being in there as and when.

She has chosen to be miserable that is her prerogative.

meeeeh

Op, change the pin. And if she goes ballistic just play dumb and say there was some safety breach and you had to change the details. You are also not sure where it came from so you would prefer if she contacts you when needing money and you will sort her out.

My prefered option would be to clearley tell her not to use your account again but if you're afraid of confrontation just invent a story about being contacted by a bank. And only tell her that when she asks you why can't she access your account.

As a side note, I don't know what your money affairs are like but there is always a possibility that you will have to access all your money quickly. You have to know how much money you have the access to.

Big Bag of Chips

Two things that you need to do, so that your parents start to see you as an adult...

1: Move to a different house. While you are still living there, you are still dependent on them to a degree. Like it or not they are subsidising you by allowing you to live there for far less than they could get if it was rented.

2: Change your PIN number. Ask your mother for her account details and tell her you will set up an online transfer, so that you can move money over to her, whenever she needs it.

You have asked how to get your mother to change... You won't! You can't change her. She has been this way her entire life. It is who she is. So all you can do is change yourself.

You are still dependent on them (living for a nominal rent in your dad's house is dependent on them). They see you as being dependent on them, and that means they still see you as a child. As her child your mother has no trouble keeping your account details, and sees nothing wrong with it.

It is very difficult to break the habits of a lifetime, and to stand up to a domineering parent as an adult. But you have posted here wanting things to change... So now you have to make changes.

It won't be easy. She won't let you go without a fight.. but so what? She'll give out/shout/argue/blame you... So what? If you distance yourself from her, then all that will impact less on you. And who knows, one day she might actually accept that you are an adult!

Edit: I wouldn't be bothered making up an excuse about the bank, and new cards etc. The more complicated you make things, the more likely she is to pick holes in it. Does she access your account online, or is it through an ATM card? Unless you cancel her card, or physically take it off her then changing your own PIN won't make a difference. If it's online then changing the PIN online and not telling her is the only way to do it.. But you have to stand up for yourself, be an adult and tell her she doesn't need access to your bank account anymore. That you have no problem giving her money if/whenever she needs it, but she does not need access to your account.

LegacyUser

agoogelele wrote: »

I don't think you can, because she won't allow it.

It's unfortunate but there is no adult / parent dynamic. It is a young child / parent dynamic that you have. She has not broken the child / parent dynamic in her head and that is extremely unhealthy for you.

If you want to try to start that process, then you have to start acting like an adult and drawing up your own boundaries as to what is, and what is not, acceptable to you as an adult.

If you don't want her to judge you, then don't tell her anything.

If you want her approval (and you've never had it before) then you may be waiting some time.

I would firstly change the PIN as a first step. If she reacts badly just say that you have received a new card and there is a new PIN with it. If she asks for the new pin, this is your chance to say that that does not suit you and that you would rather her call when she needs money transferred.

Or, open another bank account and transfer most of your money into that and just tell her that you're spending a lot so she can't rely on money being in there as and when.

She has chosen to be miserable that is her prerogative.

I agree with all of this.

OP, have you considered counselling to help you develop new coping strategies?
I have a similar relationship with my mother, she wouldn't be as controlling as yours, but I find I get sucked into her negativity and bitching and moaning about my siblings. She is very interested in my life and offers opinions all the time. I have been in counselling for a few months, and am finding it really good for teaching me ways of deflecting or not engaging with her about certain things. It sounds like something like this would benefit you. I know that me changing my way of behaving around my mother has made her change her behaviour a bit, in that she isn't in my business as much, nor does she expect to be.

You need to start identifying the things you want to change and start doing it.
The advice about the bank sending you a new card/ PIN above is a great one. Do you get all your post to your own home? If not, start. Start taking care of ALL of your own affairs. You are a 26 year old woman, it is time to take control of your own life.
You also need to look at moving into your own place, and until then, get a curtain for your door and don't answer if you don't get prior notification. Pick a stock excuse for when she queries why you didn't answer the door, (that you were napping/ out/ not feeling up to visitors/ busy).
You need to start living your own life TODAY. Small changes first, but you will get there.

LegacyUser

I wen through the same thing and it was tough, it lasted till I was 28, and the arguments that went on and my mental health def was effected and I shouldn't have put up with it so long but I did. Guilt tripping being one reason why I did. i wish I had dealt with it sooner and realised you are not responsible for making sure other people are happy, they just drag you down. I get on fine now with my mum but know that she can try at times to get control back but I step away and so glad I am in control of my life and what I want. Everyone is stronger than they think. Always be clear what You want. It will take time for roles to change and it won't be easy but you will be better off.

kylith

Change your pin number ASAP. If she gives out about it just say "I am 26 years old. My finances are my own business."

Don't answer the door when she calls over. If she has a key then put the latch on or leave the key in on the inside, if she gives out tell her that you don't answer the door unless you are expecting someone, and to call or text beforehand next time. I too live in a house owned by my parents but they would never consider calling in without letting me know first. TBH OP, If I were you I'd be concerned about her going in when I wasn't there and going through my things. Even if they own the property it is your home, and you are entitled to feel comfortable in it. You may consider moving somewhere else if your finances will allow it.

Yes, it will probably cause an argument but she will eventually get over it and you will feel better. It is the only way to establish boundaries and begin an adult relationship with your parents.