23 years old and I have no life

LegacyUser

Hi, it takes me a lot of courage to sit down and write this and to think people will be reading about me and into my life. Putting myself out there to be judged (whether for good or bad) is something I'm not comfortable with so please bear with me

I'm 22 and I have no life whatsoever. I never really did growing up. What I mean by no life is that I don't really do much nor have I amounted to much at this age. I'm currently unemployed and I would love to be working but I just can't seem to find anything. Apart from job hunting my daily routine doesn't involve anything, I just sit around twiddling my thumbs. I live at home with my mother and two younger siblings. During my teenage years I never did anything and was really quiet and reclusive. I didn't really meet new people or do things, and I regret this now.

I feel really inadequate and embarrassed because I have no hands on experience with the opposite sex, at all Have never had sex or had a girlfriend in my life. I've only been kissed once and when I dwell on this it's enough to make me cry because I just do not feel like a human being. I've had problems with my weight all my life and I'm currently making changes to my diet and lifestyle to get some of my excess weight off. This is my first step towards a new me. I do not feel attractive at all, and I am scared later in life that if I do somehow change my ways and get a girlfriend, they will be expecting some level of sexual experience and I have 0, I just feel like I will never be good enough and this feeling causes me dread and fear every day

I realise what I've done wrong and I want to change. It's ironic because I would consider myself confident and outgoing among my friends and family, and I've always been referred to as so. Most of my friends have moved from where I live and have their own GFs and jobs now etc, so I find myself alone a lot more. I want to make new friends but you know Ireland, everyone is in a clique and it's very difficult starting from scratch!

I just don't know what to do - I feel at this age I should have more and should be doing more, like, you're only young once and go out and have fun - I have no fun. Just constant depression and feelings of worry and dread. I am conscious of what I need to do to change, I know this is a decision I made to make about my own life and only I have the ability to change. I'm tired of seeing other people my age have fun and experience things when I do nothing, I want more from life and I thought I'd just post here to vent or to see if anyone has any advice or criticism or any opinions on my situation, it's been really hard posting this but I just hate my life at the minute and want change.

Ham Sambo

Well, you have started the ball rolling by admitting to yourself that you want to turn your life around and do something constructive and you have to be congratulated for that. but you are 22 years old and to coin a phrase you have your whole life ahead of you, by the sounds of things you lack confidence especially when you mention weight and relationships. The worst thing you can do is nothing and by that I mean twiddling your thumbs, it gives you too much time to think about the negative things that you think are in your life at the moment.

First of all have you registered with Intreo (FAS) and see what courses or training is available in your area? It is also good to address the issue of weight purely from a health perspective, perhaps you could join a gym or a walking club close by? these are also ways of meeting new people and broaden your friend network.

As for the lack experience with girls all I will say is not to panic, but they are not going to land on your doorstep either, don't be cutting yourself up about the whole virginity thing either, be patient, when you do find the right girl to share this wonderful experience with it will be worth the wait.

banquo

First of all, fair play for writing it down. Let's agree first that you're, by miles, so not alone in your age group, and also not weird, undeserving or somehow incompatible with people or the opposite sex.

It's so, so cliched, but some exercise will do you and your mood a world of good. The gym is a great start, within a couple of months you'll see your self-confidence grow tenfold.

DO register with Intreo. You'll get a skill, meet some people in the short term and - most importantly - put some structure into your life. These are great foundations.

lajoie

I agree totally with what the previous posters have said - you are by no means the odd-one-out and SO many people feel like that at 22. I went through something very similar. It's a period of massive changes... People finish college, move away (more so nowadays than ever) and start to take more interest in long term relationships. It can be really difficult if you feel that you're on a different path, and it becomes easy to isolate yourself. But the fact is, almost EVERYONE has these fears and worries and it's about finding a path that suits you. The rest will fall into place eventually.

It definitely sounds like boosting your confidence will help you a lot. It's easy to view all areas of life in a more negative light when you don't feel good about yourself generally. Maybe you could join a club, team etc?

As for worries about girls - as a girl myself I can assure you that virginity and all that won't put a decent girl off whatsoever. If it does, she's not worth your time. In any relationship, experiences will be different and you'll learn about that partner specifically. Even if you had slept with a dozen girls, you'd still have surprises with the next and that's part of bonding and all that romantic stuff! And as a side note, the whole playboy thing loses it's appeal for most girls with age - trust me.

But for now, maybe you need to figure out what makes YOU happy.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thanks for the great responses and support. It really means a lot. Some of the things said have hit home in good and bad ways. I want to improve myself and I will do whatever it takes, it's just painful living everyday on a tender hook, wanting everything to be completely different right away, but knowing it won't and will take time. Seeing everyone else enjoy life and have some structure in theirs, while I try to get mine together, I just want to be there right now, without all this waiting. Haha I know that sounds ridiculous but hopefully on some level that makes sense!

All I can do is take it one day at a time and keep positive. The responses have given me some hope that I'm a normal person just like everyone else

As for the future I've applied to the CAO for a college course in AIT Athlone. Luckily I do have a good leaving cert and think this would be great for me in every way. I'd have to commute everyday but I could technically get accommodation there and move. It would take dedication and planning but I think moving there and forcing myself to enter a new life stage and meet new people would be good for me.

So I suppose I just want to say thanks to anyone who replied

LegacyUser

OP I can totally relate here. I'm 23 and don't have any real friends. Like I have people I could meet up with but they are busy with their own lives and their closer 'childhood' friends. Sadly, people can be selfish with their time and want to spend it with close friends. It has made me quite sad and feel nobody cares. But being out of work and being at home gives me too much time to dwell on it. I think going to college for you is a great decision. I met great people through college. It well develop you as a person, if you let it. Don't be afraid to take part and enjoy the opportunities in store.

SamAK

First of all - the best thing you could have done has been done - you sat there and wrote down your situation and got it off your chest. That should make you feel much better already

I know we're all anonymous internet peoples, but we're here to listen and help

I started to respond to your OP with a solution, and then I saw that you'd beaten me to it -

NOLIFEFEDUP wrote: »

As for the future I've applied to the CAO for a college course in AIT Athlone. Luckily I do have a good leaving cert and think this would be great for me in every way.

BRILLIANT! Moving to a populated area and going to college is quite probably the absolute best thing you could do. I did the same, I moved from a rural area and got a flat in a city and it really, really changed me for the better. I got a lot more confident, started going out to gigs and stuff in town, I was able to meet people for drinks in the evenings etc.....it's such a breath of fresh air after living in the country

Two years on, and I haven't looked back. I have a great circle of friends in the city now, and am with a girl I met earlier this year (she's in the same class as me )

You'll meet loads of new people, and you will make friends. You'll meet women, and the rest will just....happen. But, PATIENCE my friend, patience is a virtue. Don't expect your dreams to come true overnight.

Just go with the flow, like a dead fish

You'll be surrounded by people, and this is just such a great way to force your inner-self to just get on with the whole thing, because you'll be immersed in a thriving social scene whether you like it or not! It will do you wonders, trust me!!

Honestly, I think choosing third level education is a wonderful idea, i'm glad you have applied for it...maybe you're eligible for BTEA, if you've been unemployed for a long while? Then, you'd be able to get accommodation in Athlone, which would be great!
http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/social_welfare/social_welfare_payments/back_to_education/back_to_education_allowance.html

Hope it all goes smooooth with you mate, best of luck! Post back here if you want to update us or anything, or need more advice.

LaurenPam

Hi, i don't really know how to answer but i just wanted to let you know you're not the only one i'm 24 female, no job, no friends, a virgin, never even been kissed, family don't give a toss about me only put me down at every opprtunity, i have no life & have no idea how to change

NoLIFEMale wrote: »

Hi, it takes me a lot of courage to sit down and write this and to think people will be reading about me and into my life. Putting myself out there to be judged (whether for good or bad) is something I'm not comfortable with so please bear with me

I'm 22 and I have no life whatsoever. I never really did growing up. What I mean by no life is that I don't really do much nor have I amounted to much at this age. I'm currently unemployed and I would love to be working but I just can't seem to find anything. Apart from job hunting my daily routine doesn't involve anything, I just sit around twiddling my thumbs. I live at home with my mother and two younger siblings. During my teenage years I never did anything and was really quiet and reclusive. I didn't really meet new people or do things, and I regret this now.

I feel really inadequate and embarrassed because I have no hands on experience with the opposite sex, at all Have never had sex or had a girlfriend in my life. I've only been kissed once and when I dwell on this it's enough to make me cry because I just do not feel like a human being. I've had problems with my weight all my life and I'm currently making changes to my diet and lifestyle to get some of my excess weight off. This is my first step towards a new me. I do not feel attractive at all, and I am scared later in life that if I do somehow change my ways and get a girlfriend, they will be expecting some level of sexual experience and I have 0, I just feel like I will never be good enough and this feeling causes me dread and fear every day

I realise what I've done wrong and I want to change. It's ironic because I would consider myself confident and outgoing among my friends and family, and I've always been referred to as so. Most of my friends have moved from where I live and have their own GFs and jobs now etc, so I find myself alone a lot more. I want to make new friends but you know Ireland, everyone is in a clique and it's very difficult starting from scratch!

I just don't know what to do - I feel at this age I should have more and should be doing more, like, you're only young once and go out and have fun - I have no fun. Just constant depression and feelings of worry and dread. I am conscious of what I need to do to change, I know this is a decision I made to make about my own life and only I have the ability to change. I'm tired of seeing other people my age have fun and experience things when I do nothing, I want more from life and I thought I'd just post here to vent or to see if anyone has any advice or criticism or any opinions on my situation, it's been really hard posting this but I just hate my life at the minute and want change.

lajoie

Hi LaurenPam,

As I said to the OP, you are seriously not alone. I think people create this image that they want others to think they are (e.g. on social media making out like they're social butterflies etc.), but in reality, things are tough right now. Jobs are so hard to come by, college costs more than ever, people are emigrating and so friendships change and get broken sometimes... It's so easy to feel stuck in a rut. I know I have. But you CAN and WILL get out of it.

defrule

I can feel your pain OP, I was in the exact situation and only am just piecing my life together now. I've still nothing happening on the relationship side and it sucks. How much I want to be loved and to love someone else. I think life however ****ty it can be would be more bearable if you have someone else supporting you. But what I find a real shame is that in the world we're in today, we're so well connected but we've never been more alone.

FollatonWood

Hi OP

You strike me as very mature and self aware from reading your post and those are great qualities to have.

You mention depression and anxiety but not the extent of it, is it possible it could be the root of your issue? It might be good for you to have a chat with a doctor or therapist and see what they think.

All in all, you're only 22/23, and I don't mean that in a patronising way - what I mean is that you have all of the time in the world to set you life up. It would do you no harm to take a year now to just figure out exactly what you want and progressively get the ball rolling.

lajoie

I don't mean to sound negative by any means, but I definitely think it's a common misconception that being in a relationship automatically makes life better. I think it's certainly pushed in our faces through movies, songs, the media etc... but in reality, sometimes having a relationship just makes things more complicated. I entered into one when I really should have just been focusing on sorting myself out, and building my own confidence. Unfortunately, the person in question could sense my vulnerability at the time and used it to their own advantage a LOT. Luckily, with the help of my family, I got out but it definitely made me realise that a partner doesn't equal happiness and until I have a better sense of myself, I won't be jumping into anything that doesn't feel right. The right relationship could be perfect and certainly enhance happiness, but I don't think it will create it on it's own. I hope that makes sense!

Starokan

Hi OP,

Change takes effort and you seem to be willing to put in what's needed, the first thing is the weight, fair play for starting diet and exercise , the big thing here is sticking to your regime. If finance allows it join a gym , get a program done up for yourself and use that to get yourself out of the house daily.

Nothing will change while you just sit around at home, you need to put yourself into situations where you meet new people. The gym will be great for that, no one will put you down for being overweight , if anything its the opposite they will admire you for doing something about it.

It will take a couple of months but as you get fitter you will feel better about yourself, this will impact on everything you do from job searching to social interaction.

A great way to meet new people is to work in a bar / club. If you know anyone in the trade talk to them, offer to do a free night a week to learn the trade, once your trained you have a good chance of securing a shift or two. If you can do this you wont look back , its a great way to meet people and allows you to develop great social skills. If you do this stick at it no matter how daunting it seems.

Don't worry about having no experience with the opposite sex, you have loads of time ahead of you and all that comes naturally when you get together with someone