First Date Issue

farmer_dave

Hi, a mate of mine has set me up for a date with a girl he knows.

I'm not sure what the issue is but I'm not really looking forward to it. It all seems a bit close to home in that she is friends with my friends and I feel there is additional pressure on me due to this.

I don't want to get into a situation whereby I fall out with my friends over this girl - whatever the outcome of the date might be. I've seen her a couple of time out and about and she is not really my type, but I'm been persuaded to give it a go.

However, I don't want to fall out with people if things don't work out and (unlikely) I don't want my friend taking all the credit if things do work out (you know constant reminders about how he set us up etc, - that would get on my nerves after a while) and he would ahve a tendency to do this type of thing.

Of course, she could not like me, but that is outside my control. I'm at the point now where I don't know what to do.

I've not had very many dates before and I'd prefer just to go out with some girl with whom there are no links and not pressure. I'm not looking for a serious relationship at the minute and I feel that if this date doesn't work out to how my friends imagine it should then I'll get hassle from them as they are all in long term relationships.

The current position is that I have a first date with her and if things go well thats all fair and good. However, I just don't know how to let things down if it is not for me. I don't want to hurt her feelings and I don't want pressure to make a go of things. My friend has already been complaining to me about this.

Any advice appreciated.

Tokyo

The biggest issue I have with what I have read is that it's very hard to get a read on how *you* feel about all this.

On one hand you say outright that you aren't looking forward to it, that you are not looking for a relationship in general, that you have already met her and she's not your type, on the other hand you mention that if it *does* work out that it's all good, to the point where you don't want to hurt the girl's feelings if it doesn't work out, and added to all that you are concerned that your friend may take some kind of credit for the whole thing, if things were to work out between you and this girl, which is a whole other issue. It's hard to pin down exactly what your concern is, or at least, what your primary concern is.

But regardless, if you are not interested in this girl, or not interested in a relationship in general, you owe it to the girl not to enter into a date with her if your mind is already set in stone on this. She doesn't need to be sitting across a table from someone who is sulking because he feels pushed into it by a friend, and otherwise doesn't want to be there at all.

If however, you are willing to give it a shot, stop worrying about who gets credit for what, or who knows about what is going on. You're only putting unnecessary pressure on yourself and by extension, the girl in question. And to be honest, the worrying that your friend might take the credit is a bit childish, and feels a bit like you are trying to find a problem for the sake of being able to find a problem. At the end of the day, it's only a first date, hardly a commitment to marriage, and can be something as simple as meeting in the pub for a drink, or a coffee shop somewhere for a bite to eat. You'll get a feel pretty quickly if you like the person or not, and can choose whether you want it to continue or not, without having committed yourself to anything more than a cup of coffee or a pint.

Merkin

Your head sounds all over the place. And for that reason I wouldn't go on the date because it is completely unfair to go on a date with a person when there is going to be deafening white noise going on in your head for the duration of the date. Cancel it and go on a date with someone where your head won't be crammed with what ifs.

scarymoon1

Cancel the date - you obviously don't want to go and don't fancy her. Also I don't get the pressure you feel because she is friends of friends. It's very rare people meet in pubs / clubs nowadays.

farmer_dave

The issue is that I've never been on a date before and as I'm an easy going person I'm a bit scared in my mind that I'll get swept along into a relationship out of peer pressure and fear of upsetting people.

I've no real idea of what this girl is like or what her wants are, so like many other things in my life, I'm probably over analysing things and just need to go along and see what happens. I'd just like to meet up for a drink and a chat and if there is something there well and good, but if not I don't want to feel obliged to continue it and be the bad guy if I don't have an attraction to her.

Is that a bad attitude? I thought that would be okay:(

I've seen her a couple of time out and about and she is not really my type, but I'm been persuaded to give it a go.

I worded this really badly. I've seen her, but not spoken to her, so I've no idea of her personality or lifestyle. I was encouraged to just go along and see what happens, no pressures. However, as this is a first date for me, I've built up a lot of sh!t in my head over analysing things.

I want to go on this date - maybe a couple of them just to get to know her properly, I'm just not sure how to handle things if I decide not to pursue it.

Tokyo

farmer_dave wrote: »

I worded this really badly.

Yeah, you did This post makes a lot more sense, and tells a very different story to what you wrote earlier.

For the most part, you have actually answered your own question. In my opinion, you are right in that you are overanalyzing the whole situation, and turning something fairly simple into something far more complicated. Fair enough it's your first time dating, but it's really not that hard.

I've no real idea of what this girl is like or what her wants are, so like many other things in my life, I'm probably over analysing things and just need to go along and see what happens. I'd just like to meet up for a drink and a chat and if there is something there well and good, but if not I don't want to feel obliged to continue it and be the bad guy if I don't have an attraction to her.

Is that a bad attitude? I thought that would be okay:(

For a guy that says he's never dated, you seem to have a healthier attitude than most towards dating. What you have described is perfectly acceptable, and is exactly what first dates are for - to meet someone that you don't know a huge amount about, and get to know them, and see if it's worth pursuing or not. If it turns out that it's going nowhere, then so be it - that's perfectly fine. SOmething simple like a drink or a coffee is a great way to get to know someone in a fairly informal environment - it doesn't have to be romantic dinners and walks in the moonlight

I want to go on this date - maybe a couple of them just to get to know her properly, I'm just not sure how to handle things if I decide not to pursue it.

Sounds good. Go for it. If you find that after a few dates you're not interested, be honest. Tell the girl that you've enjoyed spending time with her, but you don't feel that it's working out, and hopefully you can remain friends?? Simple, and honest is the best policy in my experience.

Ham Sambo

Will ya relax man! First of all you seem to be preoccupied with what your friends think and not what you want to do yourself, I think you are overreacting a wee bit here. First of all if you don't really want to meet this girl then call a halt to it, however if you do want to meet up with her what's the harm in going out for a quiet evening and see what happens, I doubt very much if she wants to jump into a long term relationship and get married all in the one night.

My advice would be if you want to do this then arrange a suitable night with this girl away from your local pubs etc and see what happens, just be yourself, best of luck and let us know what happens.

gandalf

At this stage if I were you I would go on the date and see what happens. Take it one step at a time. If you like her take it further if you don't then leave it at that.

I'm married now but years ago when I was single and most of my close friends were in LTRs they were continually trying to set me up on blind dates with their single female friends. I started to use online dating because in some cases they were setting me up with some major dingbats! IE they were single for a very good reason!!

Hazys

OP, I've a feeling if it was some random girl with no links, you'd be just as nervous and making up the similar off the wall excuses not to go.

You said you haven't had much experience going on dates, well the more you go on the easier it gets.

OP, what do you have to lose? What are the possible outcomes?

If you go, you don't get along and there are awkward silences. Well all you lost is a couple hours of your time but gained experience dating. Even bad dates are good experience for dating. You learn how to handle the awkward silences more confidentially the next time (even if they are not your fault), etc.

If you go, you have fun but you are probably not interested in a 2nd date. Well you lose nothing and gained dating experience.

If you go, you have fun and hope there is a second date...

Matteroffact

Arrange to meet her first for a cup of coffee and for no longer than an hour. Remember to make it clear from the beginning that you only have an hour and ask her would she be agreeable to just meet for an hour to break the ice. This will take the pressure off both of you. This way you will have a perfect opportunity to go home after an hour if things are not working out. Even if you do like her an hour is long enough to make conversation with a complete stranger. Do not arrange for a full date until you decide if you want to pursue it or not. When the hour is up just get her number if you have not already done this and then tell her you will be in touch. You can then take it from there as to whether you want to contact her again or not. She will be expecting nothing after only an hour so there will be no onus on you to make another date.

farmer_dave

How do you end the date? Do you say yes/no/maybe or do you defer and send a text/email saying whether you want to meet up again or not?
Is a single date enough normally to make your mind up or are a couple necessary (I don't want to lead the person on if I think initially there is nothing there).

Can you be friends or do you cut the cord?

Tokyo

If it were me, I wouldn't really go into it with my "it's a date!!!" cap on, I'd be simply approaching it as being a coffee which someone I'm getting to know. If you enjoyed spending time with the girl, tell her that you enjoyed meeting her, and that you should do it again sometime. If she wants the same, you can be pretty sure she'll agree to it. Job done.

Merkin

farmer_dave wrote: »

How do you end the date? Do you say yes/no/maybe or do you defer and send a text/email saying whether you want to meet up again or not?
Is a single date enough normally to make your mind up or are a couple necessary (I don't want to lead the person on if I think initially there is nothing there).

Can you be friends or do you cut the cord?

You can be quite non committal at the end of a date. If you had a nice time but don't think you want to see her again then say you had a nice time, leave it at that and then follow up with a polite email.

If you had a nice time and want to see her again, say you would had a nice time and would like to see her again. You don't have to arrange the details.

There are no hard and fast rules re dating. It's not a race. You don't go on one date and have to decide that you want her to be your girlfriend. A date is a chat and getting to know someone better and hopefully have a laugh. That is all it is, if you go on piling expectations on you, on her and on the date itself then it will be an uncomfortable experience for all involved.

Please try and relax. Once you go on the date you will wonder why you had so much anxiety about it.