Student living in a rural area - lonely and isolated.

LegacyUser

Hello all, this is a problem I have, I know it is nowhere near as bad as some of the issues people have on this forum but it causes me a lot of stress and I would like to know if anyone else is in a similar situation. I am a student in Dublin who lives at home in Meath in the countryside outside of a small town where all my friends live. If I need to go somewhere one of my parents has to drive me there despite being 20 years old and often they are not able or willing to do so. I have my learners licence but I cannot afford a car nor can I use my parents car as cannot be insured until I am 21. College isn't going as I hoped and I spend most my time waiting around the bus stop to be picked up. It is an ordeal for me to leave the house whilst all my friends near each other and have the freedom to do what they want. So basically I am wasting away in the countryside whilst most people my age are socializing etc. I cannot cycle or walk to the town as the road is too dangerous (a man was hit by a car recently). I can't go for a run or anything like that. This will probably strike most people as pathetic. This has been a problem all my life and I am slowly going mad. So I just wanted to vent I guess.

fathead82

Could you rent a room in a shared house near the college & get a part time job to help pay the rent?

Tokyo

fathead82 wrote: »

Could you rent a room in a shared house near the college & get a part time job to help pay the rent?

This, pretty much. I spent my first year of college at home, cycling 26km per day back and forth to college. Not only was my social life suffering, but I was too exhausted to concentrate on studies, so I got a summer job, and used that to pay for my accommodation the following year, and haven't looked back since.

Not knowing your financial situation I can't really comment too much, but it might be worth looking into seeing if you are eligible for a grant while you are studying.

[edit]After a re-read, something you wrote stood out a bit:

It is an ordeal for me to leave the house whilst all my friends near each other and have the freedom to do what they want.

Is the ordeal purely due to your geographic location, or are your parents a factor here - i.e do they not want you leaving the house, or going into town to spend time with friends, etc. If so, then you may need to sit down and have an adult conversation with them regarding your need to have a life outside of home and college.

LegacyUser

It is because of geographical location yes, my parents are accommodating sometimes but for instance they could never collect me after 11 o clock. I do have a job with very few hours but I need the money to pay for lunch, bus tickets, textbooks etc. I do have the full grant (fees and maintenance) but it is nowhere near enough to rent a room anywhere. I just cannot envisage the day I am able to do something other than sit in every night, as my college course is four years long and of course there isn't a guarantee of a job at the end of it. Drives me mad when I see my peers doing all these great things every night with each other while I watch TV. Just simple things like having over a few people to watch a match or something like that. Which is absolutely pathetic for a 20 year old man. Thanks for responding.

Tokyo

LonelyRural wrote: »

It is because of geographical location yes, my parents are accommodating sometimes but for instance they could never collect me after 11 o clock. I do have a job with very few hours but I need the money to pay for lunch, bus tickets, textbooks etc. I do have the full grant (fees and maintenance) but it is nowhere near enough to rent a room anywhere. I just cannot envisage the day I am able to do something other than sit in every night, as my college course is four years long and of course there isn't a guarantee of a job at the end of it. Drives me mad when I see my peers doing all these great things every night with each other while I watch TV. Just simple things like having over a few people to watch a match or something like that. Which is absolutely pathetic for a 20 year old man. Thanks for responding.

Sorry to be harsh, but I don't really buy into what you are saying. I know plenty of people, myself included, who managed to get through a four year course (engineering in my case) and work enough hours to cover my expenses for the year - it's pretty much part and parcel of the student experience.

TBH, you come across as sounding a bit sorry for yourself. From what you are saying, this is your first year in college, going into your second semester. Why not use the time to foster some new friendships in college - I lived at home in my first year, and when I'd made friends in university I'd quite often crash on a friend's floor after a night out, or call round to theirs for a few hours at the weekend to watch a football match or two.

It's no harm to start planning for next year either. In my case, I worked on the roads during the summer, and the money I made in those three months covered rent and and groceries for the following year. These are all options open to you, should you decide to consider them.....

LegacyUser

I appreciate the reply mike_ie.Just to answer your questions I could not get a better job (I work on Saturdays in a pub), this is my second year in college, I have made friends in college but none to be honest that I would be close enough to go to their place. My problem is I cannot even call around to anyone's house (as in my friends from secondary school) because I am sort of stuck where I live when my Mam collects me from the bus (especially at night-time). As in for me to go to someones house I would have to be driven there and back.

Could I just ask you how much you would pay in rent per month? Because even if I had a job with more hours I fail to see how I could pay rent for somewhere in Dublin (and groceries).

Of course I will strive to get a job for the three months of summer (I did not get one last year despite handing out plenty of CVs. And you are right in saying I feel sorry for myself. In the grand scheme of things it's not a major problem but for me it is.

MouseTail

If you have the full grant and a weekend job, would you consider a CU loan for a cheap car?

R.D. aka MR.D

Would you consider living somewhere very cheap in one of the not very nice areas of dublin. Personally, i lived in the camden street/rathmines safehaven for students for my 5 years in dublin but i knew plenty of people who lived in some pretty interesting areas in the inner city. some even shared rooms. The rent was cheap but it never really mattered much. I mean you would hear the odd story about a dodgy encounter with the wrong sort but they all survived; girls and boys.

You could even live somewhere outside the city centre and cycle in. One of my classmates would cycle every single day, hail, rain or shine. He would show up to lectures in his wet gear and strip down before it started.

Groceries? how much do you think groceries cost? They cost a lot if you want to eat like your mammy and daddy are feeding you. I used to spend 20e a week on food. It wasn't the healthiest but i'm from 4 hours from Dublin so living at home wasn't an option.

i agree with the other poster who says that you sound sorry for yourself. I think you need to ask yourself if you are willing to sacrifice a full belly, a nice well heated house for the college social life.

What exactly does every single cent of your grant go on? how much could go on rent?

if you really want to move out then you can make it happen.

LegacyUser

I worked three part time jobs while in college and also
(1) paid fees (3K + a year at a time when I earned 2:80 an hour)
(2) paid rent in Dublin + bills
(3) paid huge medical fees (weekly physio etc after an accident)


I got no financial assistance in the form of parents / grants / etc. It was difficult but do-able. How much is it costing you to commute? How many hours are you commuting for? if you worked in a job for the hours you're currently commuting for could you afford rent? TBH I'm not feeling sorry for you. Get more work and then rent a gaff either in Dublin or with your mates in meath or else buy a car. You have the power t fix this problem easily. Whats holding you back?

ivytwine

If I can live in Dublin on €200 a week you can too.

Try the city centre for shared rooms, or the suburbs (I'm in Lucan). Lidl for your groceries, learning to cook, it's all manageable.

Also you have pub experience- why not try and get into a pub or nightclub in Dublin itself? You might get more hours in the city.

I did five years in college with a grant and a part-time job and I managed quite comfortably. Fair enough, my undergrad was in a city much cheaper than Dublin (Limerick) but my masters was in somewhere where the rent isn't far off the capital (Galway).

You have to move out eventually, I think you should make the leap now.

Merkin

I don't see how you can't survive on a full grant, maintenance and the job you have.

Reading between the lines it would seem that you're determined to stay close to all your friends at home who haven't moved on but I think in the process you're actually compromising your own experience of college and stopping yourself from investing in friendships there.

You can easily move to Dublin and get some evening work (while maintaining your Saturday job) and this would give you the chance to really throw yourself into college life and experience it in all its glory. With judicious budgeting you can get your own place and really start to enjoy life. You're stagnating where you are and it is easily within your capacity to change.

(Incidentally I just did a quick search on Daft - if you're prepared to live in Lucan or Blanch you could get a room for about €275 a month. Alternatively, if you are willing to share a room, you could get somewhere in the likes of Smithfield for next to nothing......there's lots of choice out there!)

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, some very good advice here much appreciated. I will look into a room to hopefully share with someone in the city centre for the start of next year.

I guess there is an element of nervousness in going through with that, as I would rather see my "old" friends the odd time rather than forcing myself to make new ones, although of course no one can solve that but me (and you have to make the leap sometime as another poster said).

I'm currently in Dublin surviving on social welfare (€188 a week), paying rent, bills, and also paying back a loan at the same time, leaving just enough for groceries each week. That is all you could possibly need - roof over your head, food in your cupboards. I'm sure if you looked hard enough, you'll find a job somewhere on weekends. Most students are forced to work while in college, I was pulling in double shifts on weekends to make ends meet.

Santa Cruz

You are now in second year and moving on towards half way in your course. Don't mind all the negative "there are no jobs there for graduates talk" Maybe not in a rural village but the world is a big place and with a degree you will have options.
What you need to do now is 1. Make sure you keep on top of studies so that there will be no problem with Summer repeats. 2. Start lining up a Summer job now that will fund enough to cover accommodation costs near the college in the Autumn. You have some bar experience. See if there is anything going in the city area for the Summer in that line and then they will probably keep you on for part time work over the college year.
Your parents will be glad to se you a bit more settled and also glad to be rid of the responsibility of collecting you etc.
3. Start looking for accommodation as soon as college is finished and you have a job in Dublin. With the colleges closing and students off around the world there is bound to be some handy place coming up. As the posters have said you can live reasonably cheap in the city. There are plenty of tips on various websites as regards economic eating, clothing etc. When you get a job you will have an opportunity to meet more people and certainly when you have accommodation you will be closer to college pals and have them over to watch a match, make a bit of grub etc. The one thing is of course that you have to do it. No one will do it for you. It would be a shame to go through third level and not experience the delights of rented accommodation!

Big Bag of Chips

OP, when you've lived at home and had everything done for you for so long it is daunting to take that step! But sitting around wishing that things were different isn't going to change your circumstances. The time has come for you to be an adult, and not depend on your parents to sort you out anymore. You are 20 years old and still need to be home by 11 o'clock - basically!

You are making lots of excuses, that I think you realise yourself are just excuses! Take the leap. If you seriously want to do something, you will do it. There are probably 100s of students in your college who are managing to cope - look around at the guys in your class? How many of them still live at home and commute, and get collected at 11pm by their parents?

If you have parents who have always "minded" you, it is a scary step moving on from that. But that is what becoming an adult is all about. Your parents mightn't be too happy to let you go at first, but it's up to you to show them that you are growing up. They will always be your parents - you are no longer their "child", though!

ManOfMystery

I'm going to throw up a suggestion which is serious, but if it's not for you then fair enough. You say you can't afford a car or the insurance for your parents until you're 21 - what about a scooter or small motorbike? I know they're not the most trendy thing on the planet but it's a motorised vehicle and will allow you to get from A-B yourself.

Other than that, try and hold out for another year to get on your parents insurance and at least then you can take the car out.

LegacyUser

Hi all you see the issue isn't the distance I am commuting to college - it is about an hour on a bus. The problem is I live outside a good distance from a village (where all my friends, everyone I know lives) and am sort of stuck in my house in the countryside. Moving out would be considered a waste of money by my parents and socially would be sort of useless (I'd see my friends even less)(and yes, I would be trying to get a job with more hours but I would need the money to get started).

I think instead of renting a room in Dublin I will aim to somehow save up for a car or even as one poster suggested a motorbike or scooter (if my parents let me).

I didn't expect any sympathy (my posts probably come across very "woe-is-me") I just wanted to see if anyone else had the same problem. Thanks for the posts, very helpful.

Big Bag of Chips

Come on OP, you are a 20 year old man! I know you depend on your parents.. but that is where you are going wrong. You won't move out because your parents will see renting as a waste of money? So how long are you going to stay living at home for? Until you are ready to buy a house? You might save up for a scooter (if your parents let you)? The longer you stay looking for their permission to do things for yourself the longer you are going to be stuck at home, being collected at 11, not being able to get another job because it's too far away or you have no way of getting there or back, not being able to see your friends..etc.

Your parents have had your entire lifetime of making your decisions for you. They are not going to change by themselves. YOU are the one who needs to show them that you are a capable adult. So what if they think renting is a waste of money... if it's your money, then what you do with it is your business. Of course, if they are paying your rent for you, they might be entitled to feel that way. But if moving out allowed you to have a better job, which allows you to pay rent (and it's not a waste of money, by the way.. it is paying for a service!) then they might give out about it.. but the decision is yours.

20 is still quiet young. But at the same time old enough to start gaining your independence. Your parents have always been there to take care of you, and now at 20, you are still depending on them for that. Nothing will change unless you change it...

But honestly - reading your posts, I don't think you're ready (or want) to change anything just yet.....?

Tokyo

OP, nobody is trying to be unsympathetic - we're trying to offer practical solutions to your predicament, as quite a few of us, myself included, have been in similar situations in the past. To be honest, you seem to want to still live in the past of your schoolboy days, with the guys you grew up with and went to school with, hang out together as you probably did after school, etc, but things have changed, and you are going to have to learn to change with them. I honestly doubt that your friends are all living the carefree lives that you describe - they must be either working, or attending third level education themselves.

To be honest though, an hour each way by bus to college isn't really being realistic on your parents part, particularly if years 3 and 4 of your college course are around the corner. And to be quite honest, your parents shouldn't be making this decision for you anyways - I'm assuming that you are 19 or 20 at this stage, it's time to cut the apron strings.

If I can be blunt, and sum up your situation:

• You don't want to leave home because you're afraid you are missing out on something with your friends from your childhood.
• You won't form friendships IN college, because you're still clinging to friendships from school.
• You won't move nearer to college because you're afraid of being even further away from the friends that you don't see anyways.
• You're still deferring to your parents in all things at the age of 19 or 20.

Can you see how this looks from the outside?? You seem to want to live in the past, and not look at the future at all....

Merkin

I think it's time to stop deferring to your parents so much (them 'letting' you buy a moped, them thinking renting is a waste of money) and stand on your own two feet!

I went to boarding school at 13 and straight on to Uni afterwards so by your age I was out of home seven years! You seem tied to the apron strings as well as viewing friends from school as your only social outlet. You need to expand your horizons. What has really changed in your life since you completed your Leaving Cert? I'd hazard the guess VERY little bar no longer wearing a school uniform.

Take that leap and use your grant for what it was intended for and go and experience the joys and adventures of living away from home while you get your degree. The only thing stopping you is your own excuses, go for it!!

ivytwine

Hey op.

I think to be honest it's quite selfish of your parents to rather have you miserable commuting on a bus on a dirty night like tonight rather than have you tucked into a nice warm bed in Dublin.

Especially as it's prob costing them money to have you at home.

I think you should sell it to them like that by the way- only in Ireland is renting considered dead money, and if you've moved out, they can save money on petrol, food, electric etc.

Anyway tbh I don't think getting a car/bike is going to solve anything, you'll still find it just as easy to not be involved in college- what will you do on nights out, leave the car at home? Also, have you a license?

You seem way too focused on your home friends, nothing wrong with having good old friends, but you can't put your life on hold. People move away, circumstances change, you have to live your life for YOU.

LoonyLovegood

As a student, it can be difficult living off the grant. OP, I'm guessing you're on the €335 a month one? I am too, it's tight. But food from lidl and aldi, and you've pub experience. Everywhere in Dublin looks for staff for pubs. Give it a go, it's really worth it to get out from home and live your own life. And if you need to go home in the future, whether it's because college is over and you can't get a job or whatever, at least your parents will appreciate that you can live independently.

KillMona

Hi OP,

Firstly, I can sympathise with your situation, secondly- I think your stuck in a rut atm. Your parents seem to think your still a child and treat you as one. And I think you've got used to that way of thinking yourself. Moving away from your friends and away from your parents is a big step but plenty of 18 year olds do that every year (I did myself). Also, you won't have your school friends or your parents by your side forever.

Dublin is pretty expensive (I know that from living there for a year), but plenty have made the move and survived it. By living up there 24/7 you'll probably make better friends with your mates from college too, which should make the transition easier.

Plus I understand that living in a rural area can be soul destroying, most especially at this time of year. It's really just taking the first step of going up to Dublin, securing a part-time job (which can be difficult but you already have experience) and then getting suitable accommodation. You'll feel so much better when you gain independence from your parents. You said your home is only an hours commute away - that's nothing really, you can still easily visit your old friends and your parents anytime you want.

I think once you taste proper independence, you'll be happy with your decision of moving (if you do move).