depressed/lonely friend

LegacyUser

I have a friend who has been depressed and lonely for as long as I've known her but who has got worse over the last ten years. I'm there for her any time she calls me or wants to meet up, in the past I've arranged things for us to do - and paid for them because she has very little money - and I've spent ages listening to her problems and issues. I genuinely empathise with her situation but most of the time I don't have the answers. If I make any suggestions on how I think she might be able to get out of this rut usually my head gets bitten off.

She is lonely and wants to meet someone, a partner, and because I'm married she just says I don't understand - which maybe I don't. Her problem is also associated with being overweight, and because I am a slim body-type she says there's no way I could understand. I try my best but its really draining, and particularly because I am now pregnant and don't have as much time as I used to to talk to her on the phone every day. There's no appreciation of any of my problems, because I have a husband so obviously I "don't know what it's like to have nobody" but sometimes I even feel she tried to stir up issues between my husband and I, like she almost seems happy if I am unhappy, and now I never complain about anything to her because she will use it as an excuse to criticise my relationship with my husband (we actually have a very happy marriage). I've suggested internet dating, going travelling, trying to join clubs etc to meet new people, but she says I'm patronising and that she can't afford to do these things. I've known this friend all my life and it's difficult to see her spiral downwards into such terrible loneliness but to me its a catch-22 - she's so desperate to meet someone that she acts in a negative/depressed way, which doesn't attract people to her. I'm kind of at my wits end - I want to help but it just drains me. She always asks why I don't set her up with any of my husbands friends but so few of them are single and the others aren't really interested in her and there's no kind way to say that so I just avoid it.

She's an intelligent, funny and kind person when she wants to be, and has great potential but years of loneliness has taken its toll and she's quite bitter and can even be unkind or judgemental about people she doesn't know. You might wonder why I couldn't have helped her before she got so bad, but I lived away for a few years and during that time she was in an abusive relationship that effected her a great deal. I've suggested she try therapy but again, its hard to say that without being insulting, and I think she did have some time on anti-depressants before and doesn't want to go down that route again because she experienced some weight gain (which made everything worse). PLEASE if anyone has any advise for me it would be much appreciated.

Big Bag of Chips

I know she's your friend, but really it's not up to you to sort her out! You can't sort her out. It sounds like moaning has now become a habit for her. She complains to you. You make reasonable suggestions. She complains that she can't do any of them. And then continues complaining that her life is terrible.

There are always options. There are always things that can be done, but sometimes people are "happy" staying miserable.

There's only so much you can offer her. After that it's up to herself. You are going to have less and less time to be there whenrver she wants a moan.... And to be honest, you shouldn't have to be. It is very selfish of her to expect you to listen all.the time, when she is not willing to even try to change her circumstances.

Depression is difficult. It is a terrible condition to live with. But many people who suffer from depression don't see that it is also difficult for those living around them.

Sometimes we have to be selfish, and sometimes we have to step back and accept that you've done all you can. She needs to realise that change is up to her, not you.