Please help urgently - my brother is an addict

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I apologise for the long post, but I need to describe the whole situation from start to finish. This situation is causing me and my parents a huge amount of pain.

I have kicked my brother out of the house.

I am 26 and my brother is 21. My brother is an addict to drugs and alcohol. He has claimed to be drinking and abusing drugs since the age of 13. It only has become apparent to me since he was about 17/18. Growing up, he has never applied himself to anything. We helped him with academics, sport (he was gifted at sport) and life experience. We paid for courses, holidays and cars for him. He gets money and presents from extended family for Christmas/his birthday but does not thank them or contact them at all. My mother cooks food for him and cleans his clothes (at 21!) and he doesn't answer her texts or phone calls. He leaves the house for two and three days at a time, letting no-one know where he is going or what he is doing.

My father has had to move away to look for work and my brother was warned not to have parties in the house or have drugs in the house. That was the ONE cardinal rule he wasn't to break. A week after my father left, I came in early from work and found him hosting a drugs party in the front room.

I have had my fill of him. He is abusive in the house and when he doesn't get his own way, he threatens suicide. He does not contribute to bills despite the two of us being supposed to split the bills. He is having a terrible effect on my life, on my parents lives and is wasting his life away.

I love him but we cannot be subject to his emotional abuse. I would love to see him in rehab getting his life together but we have no money.

So, the end effect is that he has been told he is not welcome in the house until he sorts out his demons regarding his addictions.

Does anyone have any help/support/advice with regards to this situation? I am desperate.

clairefontaine

How do you think making him homeless is going to help?

It will likely lead to destiutition, crime, prison, and the possibility of overdose.

What do you mean by drugs party? What kind of drugs?

freshpopcorn

If I am being totally honest I'd always find it very hard to kick somebody out of home because it happened to a few people I know of and they've killed themselves and the families never get over it.
You brother basically needs to get counselling and it will be a long battle to deal with for him/your family but families do get through this. It might take months/years but there is help there.
If you do find living at home difficult you move out.

Merkin

BrotherIsAnAddict wrote: »

I have kicked my brother out of the house

It's not actually your house to kick him out of though is it?

What have your parents got to say about this?

What drug is he addicted to?

LegacyUser

I would move out but I am not currently in a position to do so. (I hope to be in a number of months). The issue then is that our house becomes a sort of halfway house for all of his pals who are addicted probably worse than he is. He had been taking all sorts of strains of cannabis and pills.

As I stated, I love my brother, but as a 21 year old man, he is making choices which is destroying his own life, and being extremely emotionally abusive to his parents and to me, his brother who has been keeping him afloat with bills with no thanks or consideration whatsoever.

He has caused a lot of pain over the past 8 years, being a major stressor in the house. Staying in bed during school and not completing his LC and not pursuing ANYTHING of value, only alcohol and drugs.

I appreciate all comments - but he needs to get help, and I need help to help him.

LegacyUser

My parents want him to clean himself up more than I do even. He is currently taking cannabis extremely frequently and is consuming cocaine and pills when he is out. Combining this with no job, no bills, no looking after himself and being abusive verbally and emotionally is making it a horrible thing to have to deal with.

freshpopcorn

Well if he is suicidal he/ye should probably contact somebody like pieta house.
He'll have to want the help tough.
If he feels lonely/abounded tough he could do something stupid. This would be my biggest concern at the moment.

Rachiee

Does he acknowledge he has an addiction? does he want to go to rehab ?there are a couple of rehabs that don't cost big money... Not everyone needs to go to rehab to deal with their addiction issues, counselling can be enough. There's a lot of services he can access for help but he needs to want it. Making him homeless definitely isn't going to help his situation and its not going to make you or your mother any less stressed or heartbroken. You seem really angry at your brother which you have every right to be but you cannot control his behaviour. Perhaps you and your mam could access some family support services it sounds like the situation is really taking its toll on the family and whether or not your brothers behaviour changes you'll need support in learning and knowing how to cope with it. Where are you based? I can pass on details of some services that might be able to help.

LegacyUser

Hi Rachiee, some support resources would be greatly appreciated. I am based in North of Dublin City.

He does not acknowledge he has addiction issues. He doesn't want to go to Rehab and wants to continue on his life exactly as is which is completely unfair.

I suppose I do come across as angry but he breaks every single rule or guideline he is given or asked to abide by. He has done for years. He is very intelligent so he knows what he is doing but he is also manipulative. It is very unfair.

alias06

BrotherIsAnAddict wrote: »

I am 26 and my brother is 21. My brother is an addict to drugs and alcohol. He has claimed to be drinking and abusing drugs since the age of 13. It only has become apparent to me since he was about 17/18. Growing up, he has never applied himself to anything. We helped him with academics, sport (he was gifted at sport) and life experience. We paid for courses, holidays and cars for him. He gets money and presents from extended family for Christmas/his birthday but does not thank them or contact them at all. My mother cooks food for him and cleans his clothes (at 21!) and he doesn't answer her texts or phone calls. He leaves the house for two and three days at a time, letting no-one know where he is going or what he is doing.

You whole posts reads like "look how terrible my brother is....he is such a failure.... he is such a burden on us all, etc etc". He obviously does have serious problems and I'm sure it is difficult for you and your family to deal with but he won't get much better if all you do is give him these sort of messages. I'm sure he feels terrible about himself anyway which is why he is so vulnerable to addictions. You should start by going to a GP to find out exactly what services are available for him. I just know off-hand that there are excellent programmes in St. Patricks Hospital for alcohol and addiction: https://www.stpatricks.ie/addictions-service

Saying you love your brother is one thing. But constantly listing all his failings and saying how he is such a burden is another. After you have found out what the best programme is for your brother from your GP tell your brother you want him to get help because it is the best thing for him and try to do it without anger or judgement.

LegacyUser

Thanks Alias06. I understand what you're saying. It's just frustrating as we have tried so much over 8 years and it has cost us all a lot emotionally.

I understand what you mean by just trying to get him help. I hope this works as nothing else has.

Thanks

Big Bag of Chips

Hiya OP, it's a difficult situation for you all as a family. I don't think it was your place to kick him out of home. But I'm guessing you did so with the blessing of your parents? If you had not removed him from the home you would have gotten advice from people saying "your parents are enabling him. If they are not happy with his behaviour at home, they need to tell him to move out... etc".

You seem very invested in him and getting him help - but that is all completely useless if he's not interested in getting help himself. You can give him all the information you want, on all the support groups/counselling services etc you can find, but if he doesn't go along himself, there is nothing else you can do.

Narcotics Anonymous hold meetings all over the country.
http://www.na-ireland.org/

I wish you and your family luck. Coping with an addict is heartbreaking.

alias06

BrotherIsAnAddict wrote: »

Thanks Alias06. I understand what you're saying. It's just frustrating as we have tried so much over 8 years and it has cost us all a lot emotionally.

I understand what you mean by just trying to get him help. I hope this works as nothing else has.

Thanks

Your welcome. It might take your whole family sitting down with him and explaining that he has to go into a residential programme like the one in St Patricks. It is ok to explain to him the effect of his addictions on you and the rest of the family. Its just that it is important that it is done in a way that shows you care and without anger. I think persuading him to go into a residential programme would give him the best chance. You might have to say that he has to do it or he is on his own. The Rutland Centre is excellent: http://www.rutlandcentre.ie/

Does he have health insurance?

Tasden

OP, as someone who has been in a similar position, trying to deal with a family member who is addicted to drugs but won't admit it, I'm going to go against the grain here and say that kicking him out may not be the worst thing to do for him. I'm not going to say its the right thing to do though. From my perspective people with drug addictions generally don't accept or want help until they themselves hit rock bottom. They can stay in denial of the issue while everyone else is picking up the pieces- paying debts, looking after the addicts responsibilities, staying up all night worrying, all the rest- but its only when THEY are negatively affected that they will want help. And unfortunately we can only offer them help, we can't make them accept it or want it. And that's the hardest part of watching someone you love ruin themselves this way. It sounds like your brother is more of a recreational user atm, am I right or way off the mark? Not to trivialise the use or the affects its having btw, just trying to assess how bad the addiction is.
I understand your frustration with the wasters that come along with it, using the house as a doss house and then nowhere to be seen in the aftermath when things go to **** for your brother. I can only hope things get better for you. There are some narc anon type places that help families deal with a family members addiction but like I said you can only offer help to an addict you can't make them accept it until they want it for themselves and sometimes, in my case anyway, you have to just wait it out til they hit rock bottom before they want to change, and it will be difficult but sometimes its all you can do- wait with love and support.

roweeeeena

I'm surprised at the amount of people not agreeing with the family putting him out of the house. Yes he has a problem and needs to get help, and not living in the house won't help him, but if he is abusive he needs to be out of the house full stop.

He is a grown man who is making these choices himself, addiction or not. There are plenty of people addicted to drugs who are not abusive to their family. It sounds like he has been given years and years of chances. The family have been enabling his behaviour, although not being in the home won't help him, it is not up to the family to do so when he is totally unwilling. Being at rock bottom could unfortunately go either way but a family should not put up with abuse from someone who is totally unwilling to look at their behaviour and address their issues.

Best of luck OP, there are plenty of addiction services in Dublin, google them and give them a ring for advice, but ultimately, your brother can't be helped unless he agrees to it.

lovelio

Hi OP
I understand your situation, we had the same about 6yrs ago. Kicked him out. Then got worse, criminal stuff, then hit rock bottom. Only one way then. Bucked up. Lost the chip on his shoulder -'the world owes me' - thankfully better than before. Worked out for us. Hope it does for you.
For the life of me cannot understand do-gooders (who have no experience of this situation) putting their tuppence worth in.

freshpopcorn

The reason I said not to kick him out ess because my cousin was in your brother's position addicted to drugs and about the same age.
somebody in the family thought it would be the best for him to kick him out.
others went against this but the guy was kicked out.
He killed himself and his family fell apart they don't get on now. Some of them do but there's a lot of anger. His mother father granny are fractions of who they used be.
I had an uncle he was married with children and he was an addict from an early age but it got worse in his thirties. Now his wife did leave him but this was because she had no money for food/clothes/bills because if his problem. When she left him tough she made sure he had a roof over his head because he was the man she fell in love with and the father of her children. The man did get over his addictions but it took a lot of work from him and the family. If she kicked him out u doubt he would have survived any length if time.
This is why I believe in supporting people and nit kicking them out. If you are in fear of your life tough it's a different circumstance.

jimmyRotator

When I was 21 I was smoking weed daily and taking ecstasy at the weekends, and so were most of my friends. At that age it just didnt seem like a problem, we were just young and liked to party, and there is absolutely no way I would have gone to rehab. However I was making my way through college, so I didnt really have family on my case, and my behaviour must have seemed like typical student excesses, which it was.

I hit a personal rock-bottom in my late twenties and decided to call it a day, at that stage my drinking had escalated and I didnt want that life anymore. I had never lost a job or been homeless, so on the outside everything appeared fine, but on the inside I was starting to crumble. Many of my friends from the college partying years naturally grew out of the scene, got good jobs and settled down married, while some others never progressed and remain stoners/drinkers.

From my experience I would say at age 21 you are going to find it extremely difficult to reach your brother, he just wont have seen enough of the downside of hard partying yet. It took me until my mid-twenties before I realized I didnt want to do that anymore, and another 5 years after that until I actually stopped. I attend AA these days and I dont see many newcomers of that age. How can you reach a youngster who goes out at the weekends and sees thousands of his peers whose main aim is to get fcuked up beyond all recognition?

Just my experience. Best of luck with your brother.

LegacyUser

Jesus, some of the advice given here?! Lol. There is absolutely NO talking to people like this...reasoning with them to get help or go into rehab will prove fruitless. Until they reach rock bottom (which may never be reached btw), there is no helping them. They have to seek it themselves...not because you want them to. I am a regular poster on Boards but have gone anonymous for this. A sibling of mine is also an addict and suffers mental problems too. She still lives at home with my parents (she's 32, been on social welfare for 8+ years) and in the last 3 years she has turned to drink to deal with her mental problems. When she is on the drink, she can be abusive, verbally and, if confronted, physically. My parents have asked her to leave, but she refuses. They can't leave her alone in the house as they're afraid she may do something stupid..burn the house down, drink-drive..etc.. They have had to have her involuntarily committed twice in the last year. After a few weeks, she would get out and be back on the drink within 24 hours. She will scream, and kick doors down if they refuse to buy her cigarettes, drink, etc..They now get her weed - she stays off the drink when smoking, although I doubt this helps with her mental state. She is on medication for her mental issues but will not talk to anyone. I don't live nearby and now don't go home. It has aged my parents dreadfully, and it's them I worry about. If I could kick her out of my parents house I would. That may sound dreadful but she has been offered all the help in the world and refused it. There's only so much cr@p people can take. People mostly chose their own paths in life.

Santa Cruz

You can only go so far with all this support and counselling approach. If he is not prepared to do something about his addiction and damaging attitude to his family then he has to be cut adrift. You have only one life. Why let him destroy it.
If he goes down don't let him take anyone else with him.

(and don't anyone come back with "You wouldn't say that if it was your brother" Yes I would.

Taltos

Mental Mickey - per our charter if you don't have constructive advice to offer please don't post. As a result we have removed your post.

Taltos

username123

Anyone who says not to kick him out has obviously never lived with addiction. The ONLY correct thing to do is to put him out. He has to decide whether to get busy living or get busy dying. If he descends into crime, worse addiction etc, that's his choice, his responsibility, no one else's. Allowing him to behave the way he has been and stay living in the family home is only destroying everyone else's lives as well as his own and enabling his behaviour. That won't help him. Only he can help himself.

OP you need to get yourself and your parents along to Alanon.

utyh2ikcq9z76b

Just sounds like ur bro is in party mode, like 95% of young people he takes drugs,most likely cause they are great craic! He will tire of it in the future

alias06

I think you should at least give him the option: rehab or out. Its fine to give an ultimatum. But just kicking him out could go either of two ways: he could get his act together or he could end up in prison or dead. So I think you should do your best to get him into rehab first.

username123

alias06 wrote: »

I think you should at least give him the option: rehab or out. Its fine to give an ultimatum. But just kicking him out could go either of two ways: he could get his act together or he could end up in prison or dead. So I think you should do your best to get him into rehab first.

The OP already said he won't go to rehab.

Not directed at you alias but generally speaking throwing someone out comes as last resort behaviour. It's incredibly difficult to deal with an addict, particularly one who is a family member living in the home. People tend to beg, promise, threaten, cajole, etc, before it ever gets to the point of kicking the person out. It's not a decision taken lightly. In my own experience I've seen people cry their eyes out while throwing the person out. No one wants to do it. Why would they? But sometimes it's right thing to do

Magicmatilda

If he doesn't admit he has a problem then he can't really be helped

However there are various groups you can use to help you cope with how it affects you. You can attend nar anon or al anon. There you will meet people in a similar situation.

It isn't your house so I think you need to check with your parents before kicking him out. Although sometimes tough love is what is needed.

emmabrighton

+1 for alanon and nar anon.

You and your parents have to learn that you cannot help him and to distance yourselves from him as much as possible.

Your parents should take a 0 tolerance approach on drugs in the house and if that ever happens, call the Guards. Having him stand up and explain himself to judge and the stress of the court appearance could be the rock bottom he needs. Same for drinking. If he is behind the wheel of a car - ring the guards.

I reckon getting him to hit rock bottom when he is young means that there will be more of his life in sobriety... but then, what do I know?

sadie06

I disagree with many of the posters here. In my experience, tough love is the only way with addicts. I have witnessed years being wasted using a softly, softly approach. The thing that eventually worked was presenting the hardcore fact: 'If you are going to behave this way, none of us want to see you anymore'. It was a harsh reality, and a turning point for us, thank God.

To the poster who told of the suicide of a person that was asked to leave, that is truly heart breaking, and I sympathise. Allowing the person to stay can also tear families apart though. I know of one family where a heroin addict of 20 years is still living in the family home, with only the mother's support now. The other siblings will no longer visit as they don't want their children around him, so they miss out on time with their grandmother.

Good luck OP. I hope he turns it around!

LegacyUser

hey listen to me.i used to be like your bro. I went off to mass ,1sunday I brokedown after all the people left, a man asked me ifi were ok.i said no,i told him , I was an addict and I cant stop thinking about drink too. he sent me to people he thought could help me.i did what he said pand went to those people .thoses people were a secrective group called A.A.I too was only 21 that day. its hard to admit your an addict.but an addicted can only change only, if he or she wants to. A.A only request to become a member is too have a strong desire to stop driking.he must complete 90 meetings in 90 days, u can suport him by going in to the meetings with him, even thou ur not an addict. even if he does go for a while ,he may start believing he havent got a problem,this is called denial, a wall type thing defensive.but u and ur family stick together and make him go.drag him in there if u have to. it will b hard work forhim for everyone at first.but u will have your brother restored back to sanity.living a life beyond his wildest dreams.if he works the.a.a programme, u.pray for him, pray for his bad addiction to go away remember.A.A Is a spirtual programme to dissolve addiction.Religon is for people who want,to go to heaven.big difference.keep answering your bro ,saying if you had to be drinking 7up and just smoking a cigerrete none of this trouble u got us in to wouldnt have happened.u owe it to us to do 90,meetings in 90days at A.A

Lou.m

BrotherIsAnAddict wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I apologise for the long post, but I need to describe the whole situation from start to finish. This situation is causing me and my parents a huge amount of pain.

I have kicked my brother out of the house.

I am 26 and my brother is 21. My brother is an addict to drugs and alcohol. He has claimed to be drinking and abusing drugs since the age of 13. It only has become apparent to me since he was about 17/18. Growing up, he has never applied himself to anything. We helped him with academics, sport (he was gifted at sport) and life experience. We paid for courses, holidays and cars for him. He gets money and presents from extended family for Christmas/his birthday but does not thank them or contact them at all. My mother cooks food for him and cleans his clothes (at 21!) and he doesn't answer her texts or phone calls. He leaves the house for two and three days at a time, letting no-one know where he is going or what he is doing.

My father has had to move away to look for work and my brother was warned not to have parties in the house or have drugs in the house. That was the ONE cardinal rule he wasn't to break. A week after my father left, I came in early from work and found him hosting a drugs party in the front room.

I have had my fill of him. He is abusive in the house and when he doesn't get his own way, he threatens suicide. He does not contribute to bills despite the two of us being supposed to split the bills. He is having a terrible effect on my life, on my parents lives and is wasting his life away.

I love him but we cannot be subject to his emotional abuse. I would love to see him in rehab getting his life together but we have no money.

So, the end effect is that he has been told he is not welcome in the house until he sorts out his demons regarding his addictions.

Does anyone have any help/support/advice with regards to this situation? I am desperate.

Al anon helps the families of addicts cope.

You cannot save your brother.

You need to look after yourself.

He has to WANT to get recovered.

Addicts continue to be addicts even on the street.

In the haze of what he uses he is not thinking and his addiction is his obsession.

Look after you. Don't take his abuse.

I don't know whether having him in home or getting him to leave is right.

Living with an addict leave the other person in danger from abuse.

Freshpopcorn telling someone online an instance of where a person killed themselves IS NOT HELPFUL.

No one is responsible for suicide....except the person who does it.

Kicking the brother out would not be responsible for his doing that if he did. You cannot expect the family of an addict to be held emotional hostages to that threat.

You have to do what you think is best.

Contact support for you ...if your brother chooses to get help there will be more you can do then.

But you are not responsible for him...and saying that does not mean you love him any less or are less there for him.

Only you are in the situation and know what you should do.

But there are people who help families of addicts cope.

Taltos

Closing this thread as it is from January and the OP may not appreciate it coming back at this time. Can I please remind everyone to always check how recent threads are - please don't rely on the Search function.

Thanks
Taltos