Sometimes I just think, what's the point?

LegacyUser

This is gonna be a long post, so I'd appreciate any advice. Anyway basically my story is that i'm a 23 year old guy with absolutely zero confidence. I went through secondary school only making 3 friends, and in college I made 2 "temporary" friends who I now don't speak to anymore. I'm pretty sure I suffer from some weird form of social anxiety. I call it a weird form, because being social doesn't cause me extreme fear - I just don't exude confidence in social situations.

I avoided joining clubs in college and going to class parties partly because I was too focused on a relationship (which is now over for 2 years) and partly because I was too shy. When the relationship ended I attempted to fix this, made my 2 friends but then fell out with them. I went on class parties and trips, but I never made an impression because I didn't stand out.

I then went travelling solo after college, met plenty of people, got on with a good few, but still I was never that social guy who could talk to girls or even be really outgoing. Even on my solo trip I had people say to me that I haven't got much confidence.

Fast forward a few months to now. I'm unemployed and I have zero friends. So I searched around the net for ages on suggestions as to how to fix this and be social. I went to a meetup last week, and it went very well. I was chatty (albeit with the aid of alcohol), and people seemed to enjoy my company and not notice my lack of confidence. But tonight I went out with the same group and it was a disaster. I had one guy say to me "you need to be more confident, be yourself" But this is what I am, and I can't change it. People talked to me and I talked back, but I got the feeling that nobody saw me as interesting, and I wasn't being funny or outgoing like the rest, just making small talk and dancing a bit. I then had a girl from the group clearly interested in me, but i'm just so timid when talking to girls that I put her off by not being in any way assertive or confident. I small talked for a while to her, pretended I needed to go to the toilet and left without saying goodbye to anybody.

Now i'm at breaking point where I'm thinking, i'm trying to change but it's not working for me and it never will. I've even went to such lengths as to tell myself in the mirror every day that I am a confident person so that my subconscious will believe it. Last week I went home really happy that I was making progress socially, and this week i'm back to square one.

It's such a basic human attribute, to have the confidence to talk to people and to have other people notice that I am confident. But I have rarely ever achieved this and it's extremely depressing. What hope is there for me in anything in life, if people can't relate to me, or always think I am too shy? I won't get a job without confidence, I won't get friends and I won't get a girl without confidence. There was me thinking just going to these meetups showed a willingness to change. But it's not enough and I just feel lost.

Balaclava1991

NonConfidence wrote: »

This is gonna be a long post, so I'd appreciate any advice. Anyway basically my story is that i'm a 23 year old guy with absolutely zero confidence. I went through secondary school only making 3 friends, and in college I made 2 "temporary" friends who I now don't speak to anymore. I'm pretty sure I suffer from some weird form of social anxiety. I call it a weird form, because being social doesn't cause me extreme fear - I just don't exude confidence in social situations.

I avoided joining clubs in college and going to class parties partly because I was too focused on a relationship (which is now over for 2 years) and partly because I was too shy. When the relationship ended I attempted to fix this, made my 2 friends but then fell out with them. I went on class parties and trips, but I never made an impression because I didn't stand out.

I then went travelling solo after college, met plenty of people, got on with a good few, but still I was never that social guy who could talk to girls or even be really outgoing. Even on my solo trip I had people say to me that I haven't got much confidence.

Fast forward a few months to now. I'm unemployed and I have zero friends. So I searched around the net for ages on suggestions as to how to fix this and be social. I went to a meetup last week, and it went very well. I was chatty (albeit with the aid of alcohol), and people seemed to enjoy my company and not notice my lack of confidence. But tonight I went out with the same group and it was a disaster. I had one guy say to me "you need to be more confident, be yourself" But this is what I am, and I can't change it. People talked to me and I talked back, but I got the feeling that nobody saw me as interesting, and I wasn't being funny or outgoing like the rest, just making small talk and dancing a bit. I then had a girl from the group clearly interested in me, but i'm just so timid when talking to girls that I put her off by not being in any way assertive or confident. I small talked for a while to her, pretended I needed to go to the toilet and left without saying goodbye to anybody.

Now i'm at breaking point where I'm thinking, i'm trying to change but it's not working for me and it never will. I've even went to such lengths as to tell myself in the mirror every day that I am a confident person so that my subconscious will believe it. Last week I went home really happy that I was making progress socially, and this week i'm back to square one.

It's such a basic human attribute, to have the confidence to talk to people and to have other people notice that I am confident. But I have rarely ever achieved this and it's extremely depressing. What hope is there for me in anything in life, if people can't relate to me, or always think I am too shy? I won't get a job without confidence, I won't get friends and I won't get a girl without confidence. There was me thinking just going to these meetups showed a willingness to change. But it's not enough and I just feel lost.

Have you tried reflective listening? You basically paraphrase what the other person says and reflect it back to them when you respond to something the other person said. They will believe you are interested in what they are saying, you empathize with them, you are communicating with them on a deep level and you will build rapport. It's an extremely powerful technique and you can rapidly win people over or in the case of the opposite sex they will build a comfortable bond.

LegacyUser

Dude,

I think you are setting yourself some fairly harsh criteria there and also using unrealistic benchmarking to judge yourself against.

Making 3 friends in school is good. 2 friends in college is good. My friends are normal people - they don't stand out any more than any one else.

First up, it just sounds like you're a bit shy in the company of people you don't know - like most people. That's okay. I know how it is - I was totally like you at that age.

Secondly, where do you get the idea that everyone else is confident? People don't show their vulnerabilities, but generally, most of us have them and won't show them on a night out.

Thirdly, if you think that people only befriend confident loud people, you are wrong. When you're in your 20s and teens, you want to be those guys.... in my 40s now and when I see these guys on the bus or train, they are gernerally just the guys who are the loudest with the least self awareness (and it's usually silly girls laughing along).

So what to do? What gave me self confidence, in certain ways, was throwing myself into things that I had never done before - I went travelling like you, I started a small business, I forced myself to talk to more people as a result. I also took up a sport. My confidence developed as I began having things to talk about.

I think that that might have been the key for me.... before then I had no hobbies, no interests and I really had nothing to chat about either socially or more indepth. I was pretty boring

If you can talk about things and can ask questions and listen, that's a large chunk of socialising. Come up with some questions. It's a lot easier when you meet up with people you have something in common with... it's a good place to start.

What do they expect from a night out? For a lot of people, it is just small talk and having a laugh. So next time you're out, remember that.

"I won't get a job without confidence, I won't get friends and I won't get a girl without confidence." I got a job, friends and many girls without confidence.

Maybe start with little challenges for yourself. They may seem silly but I still find myself surprised at my ability to talk with complete strangers and have a laugh with them... even if you just start a conversation with a shopkeeper "JAysus it's cold out there".

Also, smile. Not like a crazy loon but if you're looking worried and sullen, people will be less inclined to interact with you on a night out. You may need to fake this but if it helps then great.

I found the book "The Feeling Good Workbook" (Something like that) by Dr. David Burns invaluable. I suggest that you pick up a copy of it.

Jack Skellington

Here's a website you might find interesting op, maybe you haven't come across it before, the name sounds a bit gimmicky (kind of) but it's written by a guy who struggled for a long time socially as well :

http://www.succeedsocially.com

I found it very very useful and I'm nowhere near a great social person but the main message is socialising is a skill that you can improve and for whatever reason you're just not at the level of most others right now, but it can be done.

From reading your post it just seems like you're getting in your own way too much ( I do the same myself), maybe you could work on ways to relax more and think less in social situations, because if you're thinking of what others think of you all the time you (a) make it harder on yourself to just be in the moment and (b) inevitably end up thinking negatively, which is what you project to others, regardless of what you do or say.