I'm Sick Of Being Alone

Motley Crue

So this is my 6,000th post on this website and I'm using it to complain lol

I'm sick of being alone. It's another Friday, another weekend, and I've no plans. I'm disgusted with myself because I feel like a complete failure for not at least having somebody I can talk too or contact.

Two years ago I went through a particularly bad breakup - so bad in fact that I decided the best way forward was to go through therapy - having gone through a counselling process and been very honest and discovered a lot of things about myself I'm ready to find someone new...but there's nobody around.

The end of my relationship cost me my job, my home and my friends. I won't go too far into it but suffice to say it was me who was cheated upon and me who had put too much faith into one person - I paid the ultimate price for it.

It's been a case of rebuilding my social circle from scratch in my late 20's, virtually impossible to do, especially when a lot of the work I've been doing is either by myself (working alone on a computer) or teaching children. I've joined clubs and societies, attended things just to force myself out of the comfort zone, even gone to nightclub's and pub's alone...I wouldn't recommend it...and yet little seems to be working.

I have a few friends, and I'm grateful, but they're working a lot and I want to find someone special, someone to spend time with and - yes - someone to romance. I seem to be making the same elementary mistakes, they don't want to be partners or girlfriends, just friends...they don't want to be intimate just hang around.

With the deepest respect I think to myself that I have friends to hang around with but I really want more. I'm not going out dripping of Lynx with a sign and I'm not playing the desperation card AT ALL...but inside, when I think about it lying alone in bed at night falling asleep...I want to share at least some of my time with that special someone. And I want a romantic relationship. I don't want to be her friend - whoever she might be...

Balaclava1991

Motley Crue wrote: »

I'm sick of being alone.

That's the first step.

It's another Friday, another weekend, and I've no plans.

Makes plans for next week then.

I'm disgusted with myself because I feel like a complete failure for not at least having somebody I can talk too or contact.

A roast duck never flew into an open mouth.
You have to find someone to seek out and contact.

Two years ago I went through a particularly bad breakup - so bad in fact that I decided the best way forward was to go through therapy - having gone through a counselling process and been very honest and discovered a lot of things about myself I'm ready to find someone new...but there's nobody around.

Seek and ye shall find. There is no other way.

The end of my relationship cost me my job, my home and my friends. I won't go too far into it but suffice to say it was me who was cheated upon and me who had put too much faith into one person - I paid the ultimate price for it.

You gotta have faith in yourself first. So you got burned? You have to put your hand in the fire again. There's no alternative.

It's been a case of rebuilding my social circle from scratch in my late 20's, virtually impossible to do, especially when a lot of the work I've been doing is either by myself (working alone on a computer) or teaching children. I've joined clubs and societies, attended things just to force myself out of the comfort zone, even gone to nightclub's and pub's alone...I wouldn't recommend it...and yet little seems to be working.

And what are you bringing to the table? You seem to have an entitlement to take but no give. Can you not cheer someone else up? Why does it have to be centered on your happiness?

I have a few friends

So you aren't alone then are you?

, and I'm grateful,

Good.

but they're working a lot and I want to find someone special, someone to spend time with and - yes - someone to romance.

Do you want to make this person happy or is it to make you happy? You seem unwilling to give up control.

I seem to be making the same elementary mistakes, they don't want to be partners or girlfriends, just friends...they don't want to be intimate just hang around.

Probably because you are focused on your needs and demands?

With the deepest respect I think to myself that I have friends to hang around with but I really want more. I'm not going out dripping of Lynx with a sign and I'm not playing the desperation card AT ALL...

Are you sure? Your words say otherwise.

but inside, when I think about it lying alone in bed at night falling asleep...I want to share at least some of my time with that special someone. And I want a romantic relationship. I don't want to be her friend - whoever she might be...

Your problem is you expect too much, you feel entitled and you want power and control.

That is the nub of your problems right there.

If women are hearing this nonsense they are turned off right away.

ladiee24

Hi OP

In a kinda similar situation myself single 5 years in my late twenties making new friends is very hard. I'm also trying to do it in a different country I'm sitting in tonight for my 5th weekend in on the trot & I've seen no one socially since I was at home for Christmas - part of that was lack of funds after the festive period & part of it was that I am withdrawing.

Are you afraid to get involved deep down? I'm going through a counselling process myself still very new & I'm finding trust is an issue when it never used to be - just a thought.

Anyways I think the biggest thing I wanted to say is you're not the only person experiencing this type of thing. Have a little faith. I hope things get better soon

dixiefly

Motley Crue wrote: »

So this is my 6,000th post on this website and I'm using it to complain lol

I'm sick of being alone. It's another Friday, another weekend, and I've no plans. I'm disgusted with myself because I feel like a complete failure for not at least having somebody I can talk too or contact.

Two years ago I went through a particularly bad breakup - so bad in fact that I decided the best way forward was to go through therapy - having gone through a counselling process and been very honest and discovered a lot of things about myself I'm ready to find someone new...but there's nobody around.

The end of my relationship cost me my job, my home and my friends. I won't go too far into it but suffice to say it was me who was cheated upon and me who had put too much faith into one person - I paid the ultimate price for it.

It's been a case of rebuilding my social circle from scratch in my late 20's, virtually impossible to do, especially when a lot of the work I've been doing is either by myself (working alone on a computer) or teaching children. I've joined clubs and societies, attended things just to force myself out of the comfort zone, even gone to nightclub's and pub's alone...I wouldn't recommend it...and yet little seems to be working.

I have a few friends, and I'm grateful, but they're working a lot and I want to find someone special, someone to spend time with and - yes - someone to romance. I seem to be making the same elementary mistakes, they don't want to be partners or girlfriends, just friends...they don't want to be intimate just hang around.

With the deepest respect I think to myself that I have friends to hang around with but I really want more. I'm not going out dripping of Lynx with a sign and I'm not playing the desperation card AT ALL...but inside, when I think about it lying alone in bed at night falling asleep...I want to share at least some of my time with that special someone. And I want a romantic relationship. I don't want to be her friend - whoever she might be...

Have you tried internet dating? You seem like a perfect candidate for it.

dannyc31

hi OP when you say you have good friends surely thats a start. do any of them have friends or colleagues that they are willing to set you up on date with? its a start and it might get you out of your negative spiral. there is a surplus of young women in this country at the moment due to the fact so many young men are unemployed and therefore not out on the social scene and a whole lot more who have left our shores for the UK or Australia. there are probably 4 or 5 women sitting in tonight thinking they wished they could meet a nice guy.

anyway as someone else said you got to go out and get it. even when you went out by yourself, just sitting at the bar feeling sorry for yourself looking needy is not going to get any approaches. be upbeat, confident and friendly and actually approach these girls and see how you get on, preferably when you are out with friends.

anyway late 20's is not old, you are still a young man with plenty of time to meet someone when you least expect it. best of luck.

Stavro Mueller

Hi Motley. I've seen other posts by you here, most recently the one where you were thinking about coming home. I get the impression that you've never really gotten over that break-up and that you're still a bit lost. Would coming back home to Ireland (assuming you can get a job) and starting gain with your family and friends around you really be such a bad thing? There's a lot more wrong with your life than a lack of a girlfriend, isn't there?

As I read your words, I'm detecting a tone of desperation coming through loud and clear. That sends women running to the hills. Maybe you should loosen up and be happy to meet new friends, regardless of whether they're going to be your next girlfriend. Who knows, a female friend could have a nice single friend ;-) What a lot of people will tell you is that they've met their boyfriend/girlfriend at a time of their life when they weren't really looking. You sound like you are trying too hard and that may be putting off people. And maybe your demeanour is putting them off too?

Tokyo

Man, when I read this, the first thing I thought is that we should all be sitting in the same pub together, bitching about or respective situations As others above me have illustrated, most of us have gone through a spell like that at some stage in our lives. As for me, I've come back to Ireland after working/traveling abroad for the first time in seven years, in quite a few messed up places, to find that all of my friends have moved on or settled down, or the one or two that are left can't relate to the experiences that I have had. So my Friday night thus far has been a run to the local Centra for a bottle of wine, and frantically pounding "refresh" in the hopes that someone posts something interesting on boards.ie

I'm not trying to make light of your situation, far from it, what I'm trying to show you is that you are far from alone when it comes to going through a **** period in your life where it feels like nothing seems to be going in the right direction. There are times that I feel completely on the outside of the circle here, even though I'm in my own country, and I'm not sure how to deal with that. Tonight is a good example.

One thing I will say though, is that I've been in exactly the same situation when it comes to being cheated on, in my case it happened in 2010 and I spent about a year afterwards ready to **** anything with a pulse, in order to validate to myself that I was a worthwhile human being. But, here's the kicker. people smell desperation a mile off, and more importantly, people sense when somebody is not happy with themselves. It took me over a year to realise that I couldn't expect somebody to be the next "special someone" when I wasn't able to be happy in my own company. And for me, that was an important lesson to learn. In my case, I took a step back form chasing after anyone, decided to get fit again, and thought long and hard about what I wanted to do in my life, and I put my efforts into that instead. And I found that people, guys and girls, enjoyed spending time with me a hell of a lot more when I liked myself a hell of a lot more.

Most of us hit a patch like this - the important point is to keep moving forward. Good luck.

LegacyUser

You need to know that the only person who can change your life is you.
At this stage I would stop looking for a relationship and work on improving your own life and improving your own self confidence.
I would get involved with some new groups and expand your network of friends.

I would agree with one of the other posts here that you may be giving off an air of desperation which is not attractive to any new people you meet. I would look on any new women you meet as a new friend rather that this will be the person to change my life.
Also when you met new people ask them about themselves.

You may feel that all your friends are in relationships and have great lives compared to your life at the moment but the reality could be very different.

nlk

OP sorry to hear you are down. I've been there-probably most people have at some stage in their lives- and the best piece of advice I got was also the most annoying to hear, but it's true- you need to take a break and work on being happy.

Without happiness you won't find the right person and maybe not any person to love you. You yourself are the only person who can complete you and you need to love yourself before anyone else can.

Take some time to work on making yourself happy-this could take a while but there are lots of different things you can do depending on what works for you-connect with old friends, make new, enjoy the little things in life like a walk in the countryside or a good movie, treat yourself, talk to a counsellor, learn a new hobby, exercise, move home, get a new job.

What ever works for you but most of all be gentle and patient with yourself. Try and avoid using limiting language like 'it's virtually impossible' to make new friends in your late 20s. I've made some of the best friends in my life in the last few years and I'm 32. Or even defining yourself as 'alone', as other posters have said you aren't alone and you aren't even 'single'. You are single right now but that doesn't define you. I agree with other posters who mention that it's better to be single than be in a bad relationship. Thinking in these absolutes makes them become a self fulfilling prophecy.

There are a few benefits to this approach
1) you will be more attractive to people and seem less needy if you are happy
2) you will be better able to deal with the rejection that happens to us all sometimes
3) your standards and self worth will be higher so you have less chance of getting into the wrong relationship just to have someone
4) If the right person doesn't come along you won't care so much because you'll already be happy

The way I see it happiness is a prerequisite for all the things you want in life so work on this first and the rest will fall into place.

This quote is often attributed to Buddha but I'm not sure he really said it. Anyway I think it's appropriate here

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”

Best of luck OP. I have every faith that you have the resources within to work through this and be happier.

Stavro Mueller

Maybe you think having a girlfriend is a magic bullet that's going to solve your problems? In your other post you were going on about how you're now living wage packet to wage packet in England, your job's going to be made obsolete next month, there's a question of where you can live and you're homesick. Are you desperately hoping that a girlfriend will magically materialise and solve the dilemma of whether to move back to Ireland or not?

The person above me phrased it very well. You need to work at becoming a happier person yourself before you can even think about meeting someone. Your relationship ended two years ago and it seems to have burned you so badly you mention it a lot. Maybe it has damaged you more than you think it has. To be brutally honest, you sound desperate, you sound needy and there is a certain amount of self-pity in there too.

I'm sure you are a lovely guy and you have a lot to offer. You need to stop putting pressure on yourself - you've got enough on your plate at the moment. Sort your immediate issue of where you're going to live, your job situation etc. and then sit back and work out what to do next. It is possible to make new friends at any age. While I'm not ruling out the possibility that you've been unlucky to have found yourself amongst people who aren't interested in making new friends, it could be that you're giving out the wrong sort of vibes.

I think you should start a project. Something that you've wanted to do for ages but couldn't. I think that if you invest any spare time to this project (like write a book, or make a painting, or solve a mystery...) you will put these relationship woes into the background and in the process, as you go looking for materials or research for your project you will meet people who share your interests and help you with your project and that's how you will build new relationships.

I hope this could work, I mean it's just a theory... Good luck anyway!

Admiral Steelhammer

I think the problem here is you OP. From the way the speak and the beliefs you seem to have I'd imagine it's highly likely that your next girlfriend will cheat on you too. You have unattractive a, you are needy and miserable. The goal here must be to learn to love your self and to bring out your masculinity.

Read books such as "The way of the superior man" and "The power of now".

Always remember that you are enough. Learn how to take charge and be a man.

Tokyo

Admiral Steelhammer wrote: »

From the way the speak and the beliefs you seem to have I'd imagine it's highly likely that your next girlfriend will cheat on you too....

I'm sorry, but I have to vehemently disagree with this statement. People don't get cheated on because they haven't jumped through hoops for their significant other, people get cheated on because their significant other has the morality of a spoon, pure and simple. Regardless of your state of mind, nobody "earns" being cheated on.

Admiral Steelhammer

mike_ie wrote: »

I'm sorry, but I have to vehemently disagree with this statement. People don't get cheated on because they haven't jumped through hoops for their significant other, people get cheated on because their significant other has the morality of a spoon, pure and simple. Regardless of your state of mind, nobody "earns" being cheated on.

I think it's more likely when a man doesn't have masculine behavours.

Motley Crue

Admiral Steelhammer wrote: »

From the way the speak and the beliefs you seem to have I'd imagine it's highly likely that your next girlfriend will cheat on you too.

When you post like this on the Internet because you're lonely, tired and haven't slept properly in a few days you expect to take a lot of abuse. And you deserve it because you've shared your problems in a public forum and sometimes you need the hard truth told back at you. People's reactions here have been a mixture of disgust, sympathy, hard truth and reassuring words in all forms and doses. Which is nice personally and I thank you for all of it.

Only I know between myself and my maker whether I've been doing enough to personally open up to finding new friends as opposed to a girlfriend, getting involved enough to break down my social barriers and try to meet new people, jumping out of my comfort zone and emerging myself consistently in things that up to two years ago I would have never done for either reasons of fear or just because I didn't think I'd ever need to.

Only today for example I learned I failed another job interview. I've been to three this week and I should be thankful I'm getting interviews but - having even attended a seminar on the art of the job interview and read several books on the matter - I don't believe that I could have dressed, acted, said or responded any better than I did. And yet I wasn't good enough to do the job in question.

It doesn't matter what the job is, but in the same way as looking for love, you have to accept that you can't always get everything you want, that the job (or girl) won't solve every problem - or even any problem fully - yet you still want to find that job because it gives you a structure, a purpose and provides an income for you to better your situation.

I may have an MA, for example, but nothing is beneath me - I would shovel **** if it would bring in a wage - a job is better than no job.

Now, with all that being said, the one thing I find disgusting on this thread is the comment I've quoted - the idea that someone believes I could have, in any way, forced my girlfriend to cheat on me. I was engaged to her (wedding venue booked, date set, with her planning the guest list) and with her for 10 years - knew her before that, grew up together, was 100% faithful to her in all that time (never so much as inappropriately spoke to another woman) and it was her that cheated on me with a good friend. Even let me catch them together.

I've spent two years in counselling and (as I've said, for fear of repeating myself) have learned a hell of a lot. I'm in a much better place as a person because I've been able to accept who I am and what I want in life and I've been able to live with other people, share the world with strangers and engage in activities I would have otherwise considered too scary or upsetting.

I'd rather stay where I am because it would mean I could continue to experience my freedom and independence. The very last thing I'd want is a relationship which threatens to take that away. Finding someone is only the very beginning and ultimately it wouldn't bother me so much if I had more friends, granted, but that's just the way life is.

I get by and I have my health but as an honest person who wants to earn an honest living it would be nice to have company in life. I admit if I had more friends I would prob not be wanting a girlfriend so much - but I don't have that many friends so I do...it's just the way things are and I won't apologize to anyone for being me.

I wrote this here because I asked a colleague in work what I should do - he told me to go out and get a drunk girl in town, take her home and get her to spoon with me - I don't want to do that, I don't just want to go with anyone. It's not about physical lust or need. It's about friendship.

Tokyo

Admiral Steelhammer wrote: »

I think it's more likely when a man doesn't have masculine behavours.

Motley Crue, if you don't mind me running with this for a few minutes??

And what exactly do you consider to be "masculine" behaviours, Admiral Steelhammer?? As a person who has been cheated on myself, I'm obviously lacking in this department and could do with the advice. A few pointers before I go out and buy the book would be great....

Your colleague in work sounds a bit rapey- don't take any of his advice...

And don't listen to this Steelhammer jerk either.

dannyc31

I wrote this here because I asked a colleague in work what I should do - he told me to go out and get a drunk girl in town, take her home and get her to spoon with me - I don't want to do that, I don't just want to go with anyone. It's not about physical lust or need. It's about friendship.

that guy is an idiot and if he really had any real concern he would of offered to go out for a pint with you as a mate to have a chat etc. because even thou i'm only reading what your telling me here, i can see the real problem is not wanting to find a girlfriend, its more to find good friends to spend good enjoyable times with. basically you are lonely. as someone else said you've basically started to rationalize in your head that if you found a girlfriend, she could tick all those boxes for you. she could be the best friend, the love of your life, the entertainment you will ever need etc etc. in reality that is alot to ask of one person. sure that might become the reality when you meet the one you end up falling in love with, but you shouldnt be seeing every new girl as this silver bullet and instead see her for who she is, a human being just like you with her own flaws and insecurities.

i dont know where in England you are but i will say london/UK can be a notoriously difficult place to make new friends unless you get involved in some societies or clubs. i have a few friends who found their first year living in england really lonely and hard. our countries are similar in many ways but there is one thing i'll say is irish people are way more friendly and warm than the english when it comes to ho they treat strangers. they are just alot more reserved over there so for what we might define as having the craic, they can often feel uncomfortable and feel you are being way too familiar.

could you possibly come back to ireland and look for a job in your field?

anyway its been said enough times, you need to work on yourself first. one of the biggest ways that a man will increase his self esteem is by being in a career that he enjoys and feels empowered so dont give up on that. that should be set to priority 1 and once you have that job/career the doors will open to new friends arriving and then after that hopefully girlfriends. its about taking baby steps to get to that goal not just closing your eyes and hoping it will all arrive on your door step tomorrow just like that.

also get involved in physical activities, you will feel better in general and not so negative all the time.

Tokyo

Motley Crue wrote: »

Only today for example I learned I failed another job interview. I've been to three this week and I should be thankful I'm getting interviews but - having even attended a seminar on the art of the job interview and read several books on the matter - I don't believe that I could have dressed, acted, said or responded any better than I did. And yet I wasn't good enough to do the job in question.

You, me and the rest of the country unfortunately these days. Had to sign up a few weeks ago for social welfare for the first time in my life, felt like I'd been kicked in the guts. The one thing that everybody in there wold me though was not to look at it like that - maybe ten years ago it was somewhat valid to beat yourself up about it, but not in this economy. I'll be signing on with other engineers, lawyers, phd students, etc. The jobs just aren't out there, and the few that are are highly sought after. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I may have an MA, for example, but nothing is beneath me - I would shovel **** if it would bring in a wage - a job is better than no job.

That puts you ahead of most then, if that's the case. As I mentioned I've been in and out of SW, and one of the recurring things that has come up is that too many people are not willing to get some form of alternate employment. Sure, it's not easy to "shovel ****" if you've made the effort in life to get educated in a particular field. But you seem to be willing to do whatever it takes - that kind of attitude pays off, but it may take a while. Don't give up.

Now, with all that being said, the one thing I find disgusting on this thread is the comment I've quoted - the idea that someone believes I could have, in any way, forced my girlfriend to cheat on me. I was engaged to her (wedding venue booked, date set, with her planning the guest list) and with her for 10 years - knew her before that, grew up together, was 100% faithful to her in all that time (never so much as inappropriately spoke to another woman) and it was her that cheated on me with a good friend. Even let me catch them together.

Sorry to hear it - I know the feeling. On the plus side, if you want to call it that, better you found out, and got this girl, and friend, out of your life once and for all, than to be blissfully ignorant of it for years.

I've spent two years in counselling and (as I've said, for fear of repeating myself) have learned a hell of a lot. I'm in a much better place as a person because I've been able to accept who I am and what I want in life and I've been able to live with other people, share the world with strangers and engage in activities I would have otherwise considered too scary or upsetting.

Sounds like you're making all of the right steps - congratulations. Now it's time to continue to put the lessons learned into practice.

I get by and I have my health but as an honest person who wants to earn an honest living it would be nice to have company in life. I admit if I had more friends I would prob not be wanting a girlfriend so much - but I don't have that many friends so I do...it's just the way things are and I won't apologize to anyone for being me.

I wrote this here because I asked a colleague in work what I should do - he told me to go out and get a drunk girl in town, take her home and get her to spoon with me - I don't want to do that, I don't just want to go with anyone. It's not about physical lust or need. It's about friendship.

Sounds like you're putting the cart before the horse a bit, TBH. A girlfriend, or even friends, aren't going to be the magic bullet that solve all of lifes problems. For what my recommendation is worth, you need to concentrate on your own happiness first, and if meeting new people helps with that, then great. But don't depend on it on being the final solution. The old cliche's do apply, friendships are formed through similar interests, and the best way to find people with similar interests is to either resurrect old hobbies and interests, or invest some time in new ones. Do it to make yourself happy. Everything else will follow suit.

Your work colleague, for what its worth, was being well meaning, albeit misguided. It's the typical male response to a problem with life - "shure pick the first girl that'll go home with you and everythign will be FINE in the morning". Works for some people, not for me. And apparently not for you.

Admiral Steelhammer

mike_ie wrote: »

Motley Crue, if you don't mind me running with this for a few minutes??

And what exactly do you consider to be "masculine" behaviours, Admiral Steelhammer?? As a person who has been cheated on myself, I'm obviously lacking in this department and could do with the advice. A few pointers before I go out and buy the book would be great....

The below are behavours which are masculine imo:

Generate good emotions from within, ie internally. Don't rely on your environment to make you feel good.

lean to take charge and lead, be decisive.

Have your own personal values independent of social conditioning.

Learn to be relaxed.

Learn to be self sufficient.

See the world through your own eyes.

Be in control of your emotions, ie don't let how you feel in the moment allow you to make bad decisions.

Tokyo

Admiral Steelhammer wrote: »

The below are behavours which are masculine imo:

Generate good emotions from within, ie internally. Don't rely on your environment to make you feel good.

lean to take charge and lead, be decisive.

Have your own personal values independent of social conditioning.

Learn to be relaxed.

Learn to be self sufficient.

See the world through your own eyes.

Be in control of your emotions, ie don't let how you feel in the moment allow you to make bad decisions.

Hold on a sec, I'm a bit confused here....

How are these 'masculine' traits exactly?? Surely as a male I should have just been born with all of this already, or am I missing something? Is there someone I should be blaming for all this, a parent perhaps? Because right now I'm pretty pissed that my ex cheated on me because somebody missed out on teaching me how to be a man somewhere along the way... Please reply ASAP.

[edit]I was thinking of taking a course on plumbing, or perhaps car repair. Would this be considered helpful on my journey towards masculinity, or should I be doing something else?? [/edit]

Penny Tration

Please ignore the comment about your apparent lack of masculinity. My boyfriend looks masculine (tall, toned, muscles, tattoos), but doesn't act it. He doesn't have stereotypical masculine traits. He's kind, sweet, sensitive, thoughtful and lots of other 'non masculine' things, and the thought of cheating on him has never and will never cross my mind.

Women don't cheat because a guy isn't manly enough. They cheat because they're cnuts, same as men who cheat.

I have to agree with the posts telling you to work on yourself more.

I understand the loneliness. It's crippling, especially at night when you're alone in bed with your thoughts.

A woman won't fix that, though. They'll be a useful distraction, but the only thing that'll fix it it being able to be happy alone.

After a long term relationship broke up, I was extremely lonely. However, I decided to stay single, despite offers, and work onmyself.

I did it and now? I'm happy alone or in a relationship, but I'm in a relationship with pretty much the nicest, most caring person I've ever met, who I love and who adds to my happiness hugely.

That's what a partner should do - add to happiness. Not make you happy. No one person can be the sole reason you're happy. It's not healthy.

You'll get there. You're not doing great right now, but forget women, focus on you and learn to be happy. The rest will come.

Admiral Steelhammer

mike_ie wrote: »

Hold on a sec, I'm a bit confused here....

How are these 'masculine' traits exactly?? Surely as a male I should have just been born with all of this already, or am I missing something? Is there someone I should be blaming for all this, a parent perhaps? Because right now I'm pretty pissed that my ex cheated on me because somebody missed out on teaching me how to be a man somewhere along the way... Please reply ASAP.

[edit]I was thinking of taking a course on plumbing, or perhaps car repair. Would this be considered helpful on my journey towards masculinity, or should I be doing something else?? [/edit]

They were socially conditioned out of you.

Being an attracttive masculine man doesn't mean you are immune from being cheated on, it just makes it much less likely

Taltos

Admiral Steelhammer / mike_ie - any more of this seriously off topic conversation/discussion and we will have to take action. This is not the purpose of PI/RI - if you cannot comply with our charter here please consider not posting.

Thanks
Taltos

Motley Crue

green_screen wrote: »

You'll get there. You're not doing great right now, but forget women, focus on you and learn to be happy. The rest will come.

Again, I appreciate the advice, but I think while I admit I might have a way to go yet I'm a lot better off than I was 18 months ago and even better off than I was 12 months ago...it has all helped me tremendously....I do struggle to be happy on my own (I think a lot of that is because I was raised to resist self praise, so instead focused on helping other people) but I guess I'm just not as strong as I'd like to be yet...which in itself can be frustrating

alias06

I have found myself in the same situation. Now I am doing online dating. I go on two dates a week and I could do more if I wanted. If you set up a decent profile you will find plenty of people to meet just for a coffee/chat or whatever and if it leads to something more then that's great. There are loads of girls in their twenties and thirties desperate to find a fella. You are a perfect candidate for online dating.

Idle Passerby

Admiral Steelhammer wrote: »

The below are behavours which are masculine imo:

Generate good emotions from within, ie internally. Don't rely on your environment to make you feel good.

lean to take charge and lead, be decisive.

Have your own personal values independent of social conditioning.

Learn to be relaxed.

Learn to be self sufficient.

See the world through your own eyes.

Be in control of your emotions, ie don't let how you feel in the moment allow you to make bad decisions.

I would consider these to be traits of an assertive, emotionally mature person of either gender. They dont come across as specifically masculine to me.

OP, as others have already said, it sounds like you are lonely for meaningful contact with people. I think everyone can identify with that at some stage of their lives. The key is to try to develop a self sufficient, positive outlook. I know its not a simple flip of a switch decision but rather than focusing on what is missing, try to focus on what do do have in the way of friends and personal fulfillment and build on those.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things for interviews, Im sure if you are well educated, well presented, well informed etc you are doing well. Try not to take it personally when the employer decides someone else is more appropriate for the job.

I know its very disheartening to be rejected so regularly (either in job interview or emotionally) you just have to avoid dwelling on it, and try not to see it as a loss but as a stepping stone on the way to something better.

Tokyo

Motley Crue wrote: »

Again, I appreciate the advice, but I think while I admit I might have a way to go yet I'm a lot better off than I was 18 months ago and even better off than I was 12 months ago...it has all helped me tremendously....I do struggle to be happy on my own (I think a lot of that is because I was raised to resist self praise, so instead focused on helping other people) but I guess I'm just not as strong as I'd like to be yet...which in itself can be frustrating

Good. By your own admission you're heading very much in a positive direction, so much so that you can see it in yourself. I think I can speak for everyone who has replied by saying that nobody is suggesting a simple, easy fix to all of this - it's all about moving forward and making little improvements from day to day. I imagine when it comes to your ex for example, that you are a hell of a lot better off now, than the weeks after you found out about her antics, and while I'm sure that there have been a few relapses along the way, overall it's becoming a more distant memory. That was my experience at least.

The job situation, nobody can help you with, other than to tell you that there's a lot of us here in exactly the same situation, myself included. I have two degrees amongst other things, and I couldn't get a job sweeping the roads at the moment. All I can do is jeep sending off the job applications and hoping for the best.

If you don't mind me asking, other than finding a girl, what other things are you looking for in your life in terms of being happier????

Taltos

Hi OP

have you considered CBT?
Just re-reading your posts on being too hard on yourself and wanting to help others. Thinking maybe getting some outside help on changing how you view/react to things may be beneficial.

Who knows maybe following some of their exercises could encourage you to try new things and meet different people - and on that journey in finding yourself and finally liking yourself for who you are and not who you think you are you might just change the dynamics around you enough that you really can be happy and make/re-make some good friendships.

Probably sounds crass and trite but there have been some threads here recently from some people in similar mindsets who have done this (with a good CBT professional) and have really turned themselves around, must be from reading these I thought of your thread again.