Want to Trust Father

LegacyUser

Hi all, this is probably gonna be a long one, sorry!
So myself and my father have never been close. Him and my mother split up when I was a child and myself and my brother live with my mother. When we were kids, we would visit our Dad every so often, maybe once a week. In this time, he found a woman who he later married. In later childhood, myself, my brother, my father and his girlfriend would go on quite a few trips around the area to places like petting farms and things but even at this stage, we were never really close. If Mum was asked for something she couldn't get, she would occasionally tell us to ask our father but we never felt we could.
That was fine, this continued into my teenage year where he got married to his girlfriend. I suppose it was after that that we noticed how controlling she could be but Dad seemed happy to have it like that and we never said anything. My relationship with his wife however took quite a nosedive (from my view) when I had confided something to her and a week later, I had discovered that she had told other people so that I had someone completely unrelated ask me about it. I never said anything to her. It wasn't really in my nature to fall out with people and I'd sooner put up with it than cause rivalry. However, the next time I had told my father something (I can't even remember what it was now but I know it involved him), I asked him not to tell his wife and explained the previous incident. Instead of agreeing, he got very defensive and angry with me, telling me how he would of course tell her and how dare I suggest she would tell anyone else. That had upset me quite a bit but again, I said nothing. Although, that was, I think, when I lost any of the small amount of trust I had in him.
Fast forward a year or so, we had started going to his house every second weekend. At this stage, I was doing my Junior Cert so was about 14. At home, we weren't doing great financially but I had found a hobby that I adored and was funded mostly by myself but helped by my mother. My mother was a single parent who didn't have a job at the time and had younger children to mind so getting a job was difficult for her. This same year, my father lost his job but his wife was earning a high income with everything from the big house, to the two cars to all the wide screen tvs were bought in her name. However, my father decided to bring my mother to court to have the maintenance which he paid for myself and my brother reduced. It was the first thing he did when he lost his job and hadn't even tried to save money any other way first. I felt so betrayed, knowing that, even though he lost his job, his wife still had a large enough income to sustain a comfortable lifestyle while we had to make an even stricter budget and struggle that little bit more, with me not being able to afford my much loved hobby. Of course, I didn't expect his wife to pay for us or anything like that, but it was the fact when he lost his job, the first thing he did was cut the payment going to his children. The court, who looked at his income alone, seen he earned now earned less than my mother and granted it. I was very upset (whether it was justified or not, I'm not sure) and had to explain to him that because of his actions, I felt I could no longer visit and didn't want any more contact. This was during my exams, where I was already stressed enough and it led me to be in tears before one exam. His wife then tried to blackmail me into coming back so I had to block her number.
After about a year, a friend of mine's father died and I realised it wasn't worth it. At this stage, I had very little love for my father and I had found out in the meantime how he had refused to pay anything at all when I was a baby, after my parents had originally split and how unreliable he was. How to get him to do anything with us was a struggle. Stuff my mother hid for years as she wanted me and my brother to have a relationship with our father but I wanted to know the truth so she told me. Yet, I felt that it wasn't worth not speaking to him when life was short. After all, he was my father and the only father figure I had. To this day, now that I'm nearly finished college and a good bit older, I still don't have completely trust in him or his wife and nearly no real connection. I could be in college for months at a time and not miss them and over the Christmas, I seen them once and, being honest, it was enough to last me another couple of months.
The problem is that him and his wife have now got two toddlers who are my sisters. I get on great with them and they adore me and my brother. It's because of them I don't want it to be a huge effort to be bothered visiting my father. Don't get me wrong, visits are pleasant and civil and we've never argued or fallen out since but if I don't miss them. I feel though, for my sisters sake, this needs to change but I don't know where to start on how to change it. I was hoping maybe someone here could point me in the right direction.

Merkin

I'm afraid there is no easy solution to this, not in the manner you're looking for anyway.

Trust has to be earned and while people are certainly capable of change, as I get older I find that people fundamentally don't change all that much unfortunately. On that basis, I would continue on your relationship with your father, keep the lines of communication open but I certainly wouldn't depend on him or lean on him for anything as he has shown himself repeatedly to be someone who lets people down.

Cynical of me perhaps but if you want to maintain the status quo and have no further failings out with him then this is what I would do.

username123

Its a shame your trust has been destroyed but are you talking about events that happened when you were a child, before you were 14? It seems like a long time to carry mistrust based on one incident in childhood.

You cant even remember what you were telling your father that you didnt want him to tell but you can remember that you are angry about it - how important could the piece of information be if you cant even remember it?

I think you have your own reasons that you have negative feelings towards your father and his wife and its easier to "blame" them for not being trustworthy than deal with those feelings.

Thats fine - if you dont really like them for whatever reason, you dont. But I dont think you need to over analyse it all. Just visit your sisters if you want to and remain pleasant to your father and his wife - whats the problem with that?

Calhoun

I tend to agree with the last post op, i believe you are over analysing this but i also believe you were caught between to parents when growing up. Allot of the issues you describe in part would be somethign that your parents should have resolved without your knowledge.

I would also not compare the lifestyle your father had with what you had when you were growing up. From the sounds of it and i could be wrong your father was setting up a new life for himself while your mother moved on and found another partner and kids (could be wrong but one of your sentances implied that your mother had more smaller kids to mind). My point is how much is reasonably expected for him to fund? he lost his job and yes his wife had an income but you weren't technically her responsiblity as you maintained, your mother however was and realistically in this day and age if there were only two of you i don't see how she could not have also gotten a job at one point.

You probably have your own reasons as pointed out for not liking your dad and his wife but don't confuse those reasons for stuff that really should have been the concern for both your parents.