Dropped Out Of College - Feel Like A Failure

gossamer

As the title states, I've recently dropped out of college. I was in my second year at University and just couldn't take it anymore. By Christmas I felt completely broken as a person and had to tell my parents what was happening. In reality I should have dropped out in first year, I personally wasn't ready for college. But I didn't because I thought it would improve and I would eventually adapt. I didn't want to disappoint my parents.

I'm back home now and I feel numb most of the time.Sometimes it hits me and I breakdown in tears (when I'm on my own). To be honest I've never felt so alone. I've lost most of my friends from school, all having gone their own way and I never really made friends in college. I could have but I was so depressed I isolated myself from everyone most of my time. Because of that isolation my mental health suffered badly.
I live in the country, with no young people around really either. The nearest town has very little to offer in terms of anything.

I actually don't have a clue what to do now. There's no money to re-apply next year and that's fine but I don't know what else there is. I've applied for jobs at home and even in the city I went to college in but I never get anything back. I feel so trapped.

I'm turning 20 soon and I know that's still quite young but I feel like I've made no progression whatsoever since school. It kills me that I've ended up like this. My childhood consisted of school and home, that was it - no hobbies, no holidays, no parties. I didn't have that angst ridden teenage stage, I was always very straight-laced purely because I didn't feel the need to create hassle for myself or my parents. I worked hard in school, kept the head down. College was always the light at the end of the tunnel - a way to better myself, live a little, experience life. It was a time to catch up on what I felt I missed out on in my teens. I don't know what happened or what I expected to happen but it's like I crumbled when college came around. I was always so ambitious and it's like I'm a completely different person two years later. I just exist now, I don't enjoy anything. I can't even find an interest in anything.

I tried counselling in college to combat the depression and it was horrendous. I felt even worse coming out of the sessions. It felt like she was asking me to say the same things every time and again there was no progress. I got really frustrated with myself because I just couldn't seem to budge from that frame of mind. I don't have the money to go on tablets, I don't fit the criteria for the medical card. I can't ask for money from my parents, I feel guilty enough already.

The worse thing is I look at all these people who just continue on with ordinary everyday life and I just can't seem to understand how they do it. People who wake up every morning and go to a 9-5 job -five days a week, do their shopping, have children, get married, go on holidays, pay bills etc. I'm baffled as to how they do it and I have the utmost respect for them because I just can't seem to function on a normal level like everyone else does. They encounter obstacles just like me and they just keep at it. I give up and fail. And I just really want to get on with things and make my parents proud.

I don't know what happened to me. And I'm not sure what exactly I'm asking. I can't think clearly myself because I can't sleep anymore, I keep thinking that even if I'm lucky enough to get a full-time job - I fear that I'll be in that job forever with no prospects. Or even just lists of odd jobs or the dole. I also have this irrational fear that I'll end up on my own, not just relationship wise but without any friends or social life. Before I know it my early twenties will have passed by and I'll regret everything, because I already have so many regrets.

I can't get any worse, I'm scared to slip further. I suppose what I'm asking is: did anyone ever feel similar/ were in a similar situation and end up happy? Because that's all I want, to be happy.

You're not a failure.

I dropped out of college too.. in my second year. It wasn't because I couldn't do it - I found out maybe a year later that I was pretty much at the top of the class - it was because it just wasn't for me. Since then I have completed a college course I was extremely interested in, received a pretty high degree and, while I am currently unemployed, I definitely do not regret dropping out of college that first time.

This is the advice I'll give you -

You say you cannot go back to college due to lack of funds. There are some options available to you - keep looking for work and work full-time until you can start something else. A PLC might be a good idea, just because it keeps you in education, but it also gives you a chance to meet more people in a setting that is a bit more relaxed than college.

You need to get out more, even if it's small things like going for walks, taking up a hobby, or exercising. Look after yourself and the rest will fall into place. Then try and meet more people - there's loads of avenues to do this Online.. check out the Gentlemen's Club, they hold events the odd-time, as does After Hours, and numerous other forums throughout this site- I've seen Tattoos & Piercings do it, and the Galway forum holds loads, from bowling to movies to just going for tea and chats.
Look into sites like Meetup.com. I've only recently discovered it myself and found loads of activities that I'm extraordinarily interested in!

sheesh

First of all you are not a failure as you didn't fail, you left. At the moment you are probably just re-adjusting to being at home and not at college where you think you should be. Also your plan for your future has become unstuck and you don't know what to do.
The tears and the numbness are perfectly understandable you are in panic mode. Ideally you would go off and try to figure out what went wrong and try to put some perspective on it but funds are tight as you say and so I suggest this:
Take a break see if you can find a course in the local fas centre (or what ever they are calling it now) preferably something easy and if you have some interest in it, brilliant. so long as it keeps you busy for a couple of months and gets you out of the house and puts some money in your pocket.

You sound like you have been a low hassle kind of person most of your life so the next part of this is going to be difficult, ask your parents for money and go and see a doctor, if he says to go on medication, go on medication.

Have I ever been where you are? Sure have and worse, at least you had the balls to leave college I had to repeatedly fail (and i mean repeatedly a friends sister got an arts degree while I was getting through 2nd year )

As for the counseling it can be rather harrowing sometimes it is basically picking at old scabs and seeing how they affect your current life not an easy process but with a competent counselor they deal with issues you might not have otherwise dealt with.

I would not worry too much about the future at present modern education theory bends towards continuous learning so if you go back at some stage so long as you can show you can do the job you will be ok.

It seems like you are depressed and with the associated anxiety your sleep is suffering keep a book by your bedside to read at night to keep yourself distracted ideally something light that you can get into (It might help It might not).

Look you were good at applying yourself in school you will be good at applying yourself again once you get over this knock. You will get through this it just sucks at the moment.
hope this helps.

Ham Sambo

You are not the first and you most certainly won't be the last person to have dropped out of college, look, you are very very hard on yourself and you don't give yourself enough credit for what you have achieved so far in your life. You are only 20 years old and have your whole life in front of you.

In your case dropping out of college was more or less like going for a drive, you just happened to take the wrong turn and ended up on a cul-de-sac, what you do in that case is to back up and find the road that will bring you to where you really want to go, so uni wasn't for you, it's not the end of the world, have you looked at courses in your local colleges or training centres? try something completely opposite to what you were doing in uni, try it for a year or so, it will get you out there again meeting other people and trying new things, make an appointment with your local FAS / Intreo office tomorrow and take it from there.

gossamer

Ham Sambo wrote: »

Have you looked at courses in your local colleges or training centres? try something completely opposite to what you were doing in uni, try it for a year or so, it will get you out there again meeting other people and trying new things, make an appointment with your local FAS / Intreo office tomorrow and take it from there.

Thanks for all the replies/advice everyone, they're appreciated.

Yeah there is a local college but the PLC courses don't start up until September. I looked into the evening courses that started in mid January, to see if there was anything interesting - but there was only gardening/ intro to hairdressing type courses. I didn't have an interest in any tbh, even if I had a relative interest in one of them I would have applied.

My mother is pushing me to apply for the admin PLC that begins in September, so I'll probably end up doing that. Beggars can't be choosers and all that.

Anyway thanks again.

Penny Tration

Firstly, you're not a failure for dropping out.

I dropped out of uni at 17, due to mental health issues. I'm now 24, in a pretty decent job, have a qualification under my belt and am going back to college at night to get a degree in the field I want to sudy.

The most important thing is sorting your mental health. It's horrible that you had a bad experience with your counsellor but tbh it can take a few attempts to find one you gel with. You dropped out because you couldn't handle it, if you don't seek help, how can you handle the same thing again? It's essentially repeating what's already happened.

Speak to your gp. They can set up an appointment with a psychiatrist, who will give you a diagnosis and set up a treatment plan and recommend the right type of therapy to suit you. It's daunting, but I promise you, it's better than crippling depression. I'm saying this fromeexperience, if you can push yourself to seek help, you'll improve immensely.

After you've dealt with your health, then look at college. If you've been unemployed for 9 months (which you may well be by the time you've sorted your mental health), you can apply for a grant and back to education allowance, which will help you financially while you're in college. Alternatively, the slate is wiped clean after five years, so if you were to go back to college at 24, you will only have to pay your registration fee.

Best of luck, op.

Chiquitita

Some very thoughtful and nice replies, warms the heart.

Op as has been said you're definitely not the first and wont be the last. The most important thing is your mental health, cant stress that enough, everything else will fall into place, and its all a case of trial and error. So what, we all do different things at different stages

If you dont feel comfortable asking for money you should mention it to the doctor, im sure he/she will be understanding and arrange something with you.

Hope you feel better soon!

JoeyBlo

OP, I wish i had your courage to drop out. Mentally i was fine but one of my main regrets in life is that i didnt drop out of the university course that i had no real interest in and instead i 'stuck it out' to 'get the piece of paper' and i got it in the end. But I would have been so much better off if i had dropped out in first or second year, taken a break and decided what to do with my life the following year.

Im in my 30s now and can see the reality but back when i was 18/19/20 i thought my life would be over if i dropped out of my course. It was the way we were conditioned in school. Everything depended on the Leaving Cert and that you got into the course you wanted (they failed to mention that you could get into any course you wanted regardless of points when youre 23!).

All i can say to you is you are still very young, you have plenty of time ahead of you so just focus at getting your head right for now. The career will follow when you get better yourself. Try and pursue something you have a genuine interest in if possible. You really do have so much time left so take it easy and give yourself some time.

Best of luck

Silverman11

I am in a similar situation to you. I am currently on my second leave of absence due to an anxiety disorder.
I feel lonely a lot of the time because I miss my friends and I feel that I should be out living life.

My advice for you is to find a career that you love and find a course that would suit it. Then store that in your mind FOR NOW.
The next thing to do is to try everything you can to find a job and make some money. You need to save up for your course and even if it takes 2-3 years, it is never too late to go back to college.

I would definitely advise you going to your doctor and tell him EXACTLY how you're feeling.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY.

gossamer

Thanks again everyone for all the advice.

I've decided to make an appointment with the GP in town next week. I know it's stupid but I'm worried about the initial conversation when I go in. I'm not shy but I find it difficult to put into words how I'm feeling when I'm talking face to face with someone. I just seem to go blank when it comes to that sort of thing - even when I've mentally prepared something beforehand.

Turtwig

gossamer wrote: »

Thanks again everyone for all the advice.

I've decided to make an appointment with the GP in town next week. I know it's stupid but I'm worried about the initial conversation when I go in. I'm not shy but I find it difficult to put into words how I'm feeling when I'm talking face to face with someone. I just seem to go blank when it comes to that sort of thing - even when I've mentally prepared something beforehand.

Print out your OP. Or if you wish type something else and print that out. Show that to your GP.

Your GP will be well accustomed to people feeling awkward about stuff. The best thing is that you're starting the dialogue with them. Any dialogue is better than none at all.

Wish you the best in everything,

Penny Tration

gossamer wrote: »

Thanks again everyone for all the advice.

I've decided to make an appointment with the GP in town next week. I know it's stupid but I'm worried about the initial conversation when I go in. I'm not shy but I find it difficult to put into words how I'm feeling when I'm talking face to face with someone. I just seem to go blank when it comes to that sort of thing - even when I've mentally prepared something beforehand.

Just go in, and say 'I've been feeling awful lately, and think I may need some help.'

After that, they'll ask you questions about your mood, sleeping pattern, eating habits, things like that. From their questions, you can give straight answers and they can decide what you need.