Quiet guy with few friends and not into big nights out

moveover

Hi there,

just wondering if anyone is in a similar situation. I enjoy life, have a good job and have a loving girlfriend. However, I am quiet...not so much shy but quiet. I am not into big nights out or clubbing or anything that involves big groups. I say this because when I ask people ways of making new friends they always say join a group or play a sport etc etc - all these involve lots of people.

I really enjoy my own company but sometimes I would like to meet new friends for chats, the company etc but I do find it very difficult. Is there anybody else in a similar situation? People will say oh you need to make a better effort or just get out there and do it- but again I feel this advice is often aimed at people becoming a part of bigger groups. I am happiest in small groups even two or three. Isn't that okay...

Sorry just getting it all out there! Anybody else in a similar situation?

ladygirl

The advise of joining a group or playing a sport is great. You need to get out there and do something out of your usual routine. Yes sports and groups involve large volumes - however many find when they join these groups that they may be friendly with the group as a whole but "click" with just a few..

By getting involved in a large group - you are increasing your chances of meeting like minded people. 95% of the group - your might never meet outside of the group however if you click with a few - they are the potential to meet for coffee/drink/chat etc.

D'Agger

OP I'm moving this to Personal Issues as I feel this is a more suitable home for this thread

D'Agger

Mod hat off though I have to say that, after college I was in Cork and most of my close friends moved to Dublin - it was fairly difficult and I had a bad enough year of it.

I joined a local GAA club rather than travelling down home which had left me with an emphasis on training and zero social interaction with teammates and I have to say - while it was daunting joining a squad of guys I didn't know, I've gone on to build up good friendships with a good few of the lads. Like yourself, I would say that I flourish more in smaller groups as opposed to large. You're happiest in small groups and that's more than okay but I would say that sometimes, in order to make friends that will invite you to hang out in small groups, you have to put yourself out there in a larger group.

If you think of school, large groups are made up of smaller groups. So while I wouldn't agree with the idea that you need to put in more of an effort, you could certainly advertise yourself and look to make connections more by putting yourself out there in the first place.

All the best with it.

Pawwed Rig

D'Agger wrote: »

large groups are made up of smaller groups.

OP this is exactly what I was thinking of when I read your thread. On a night out with a large group you will only ever talk to 2 or 3 people at a time. Also the pressure is off you as you just give your input whenever you have something to say rather than in a 1 on 1 situation where both need to drive conversation.

I am probably similar to you in that I am not the talker in the group (you know the guy who doesn't stop). You just have to take some risks and step out of your comfort zone a bit (sorry for the cliches). Try a boards beers or something similar like meetup.com (both are listed in TGC where you posted this originally).

moveover

Thanks, guys. I understand what you are all saying- I need to open myself up to the 'bigger group' in order to make friends. Like you Pawwed, i wouldn't be the talker in the group- when I join a bigger group I never know what to say or how to join the smaller groups in it. I think I have a good opening line to join the conversation, then I analyse it too much, and by the time I'm 'brave' enough to say it the topic has changed.

Thank for all the advice. I am not moaning (really). It is nice to know that I am not the only one in the situation.

Thanks again!

LegacyUser

Moveover, you sound like an introvert which is probably why you prefer small groups to big ones and struggle with what to say when surrounded by lots of people. Introversion doesn't mean that you're shy, it just means that your brain is wired a different way to extroverts - it's really interesting and if you read a bit about the topic it might help you learn a bit about yourself and become more comfortable with who you are and how you interact with people.

Susan Cain's TED Talk is a great way to start, it's available to watch for free on the TED Talk website.

You could have a look at meetup.com to find groups that are interested in the same stuff as you. Or find a hobby that you like and get to know people within your interest circle - places like Twitter & Facebook groups are great for this, and as an introvert I've found them really helpful ways for slowly getting to know people and making friendships in a more manageable way.

Check out Meetup.com. There's a fair few groups on there with anything from cinema trips, to writing, to laser tag! I intend on attending a few of these.

bluemagpie

Agree with the above poster re introversion, have a watch of the talk or a read of her book 'Quiet' and you'll realize there are tons of people like you out there. Being happy in small groups, enjoying your own company etc is all completely normal.

Dave!

"Putting yourself out there" doesn't necessarily have to have anything to do with big groups. You can do it in small group environments too. But there's generally no way around it—you have to be willing to initiate conversation, often with blank strangers, which can be a bit daunting at times. It gets easier, though, the more you do it.

Look into some sort of evening class or workshop thing. Try and find something where you and the others in the group have a mutual interest in the subject.