Confused by ex's behaviour

Youzername

Just something that happened to me last week, and I still don't really know what was going on

(Background)
Split up with a girl from a long term relationship nearly 3 years ago I'd say, we were together for nearly 6.

It was hard for me (being very honest), and took me a long time to come to terms with it. I personally haven't had a relationship since.

Anyway, over the last 3 years we have had sporadic contact. Texts here and there, met up for a cup of coffee I'd say 3/4 times in the three years.

I have always had feelings for this girl since we split, and she would say she still cares for me but that is it. Never said more, and would avoid talk of rekindling or anything.

About a year and half ago she got into a new relationship, I found that hard to take but I took the concious decision to completely cut what little contact we had prior to this, for my own sake at the very least.

Only, more recently she has insisted contacting me. I largely resisted it in the beginning, but I caved eventually and wrote back. We have been texting pretty much on a weekly basis. Its at this point began to think she is single again, but she would never out right say.....

(The Question / Problem)
Anyway, last week she texted me for the whole day. She ended up going out with her friends that night and was texting me througout the night too.

She was being quite 'flirty' and asked me to pick her up and go back to hers, and was insinuating we have some 'fun'.

To be honest it felt like Christmas to me, because I haven't been seeing other people (not that she would know either way) and being very frank, could do with a shag, and like I said anyway, I have always had feelings (suppressed or not) for this girl all along since we split up.

So I picked her up, was late enough, about half one and we went out to her house. When we go there though her attitude changed and she didn't want me to stay, just to come in and talk.... I stayed for awhile and we talked about things in general, she said she missed me and cared for me still but she also avoided talking about her relationship status :mad:

That was it really, I probably could have pushed more her and flirted more whilst in here house, but I didn't even try after she said she just wanted to talk. To be honest I was quite pissed off when she said that, but didn't show it.

I do care for her but I feel like I am just be kept by the wayside so she doesn't think I forget about her really.... Do you guys think this is the case? I don't know what her intentions were or are really..... She has texted me since, just being friendly, I've replied but I think she would know I was kinda pee'd off over the whole thing.

I just didn't get the whole situation, she was so flirty suggestive over text and right up until we got to outside her house, then all of a sudden she just wanted to talk.....

nc19

Youzername wrote: »

Just something that happened to me last week, and I still don't really know what was going on

(Background)
Split up with a girl from a long term relationship nearly 3 years ago I'd say, we were together for nearly 6.

It was hard for me (being very honest), and took me a long time to come to terms with it. I personally haven't had a relationship since.

Anyway, over the last 3 years we have had sporadic contact. Texts here and there, met up for a cup of coffee I'd say 3/4 times in the three years.

I have always had feelings for this girl since we split, and she would say she still cares for me but that is it. Never said more, and would avoid talk of rekindling or anything.

About a year and half ago she got into a new relationship, I found that hard to take but I took the concious decision to completely cut what little contact we had prior to this, for my own sake at the very least.

Only, more recently she has insisted contacting me. I largely resisted it in the beginning, but I caved eventually and wrote back. We have been texting pretty much on a weekly basis. Its at this point began to think she is single again, but she would never out right say.....

(The Question / Problem)
Anyway, last week she texted me for the whole day. She ended up going out with her friends that night and was texting me througout the night too.

She was being quite 'flirty' and asked me to pick her up and go back to hers, and was insinuating we have some 'fun'.

To be honest it felt like Christmas to me, because I haven't been seeing other people (not that she would know either way) and being very frank, could do with a shag, and like I said anyway, I have always had feelings (suppressed or not) for this girl all along since we split up.

So I picked her up, was late enough, about half one and we went out to her house. When we go there though her attitude changed and she didn't want me to stay, just to come in and talk.... I stayed for awhile and we talked about things in general, she said she missed me and cared for me still but she also avoided talking about her relationship status :mad:

That was it really, I probably could have pushed more her and flirted more whilst in here house, but I didn't even try after she said she just wanted to talk. To be honest I was quite pissed off when she said that, but didn't show it.

I do care for her but I feel like I am just be kept by the wayside so she doesn't think I forget about her really.... Do you guys think this is the case? I don't know what her intentions were or are really..... She has texted me since, just being friendly, I've replied but I think she would know I was kinda pee'd off over the whole thing.

I just didn't get the whole situation, she was so flirty suggestive over text and right up until we got to outside her house, then all of a sudden she just wanted to talk.....

Tell her to shìt or get off the pot!!

Shes keeping you as a back up imo.

Tell her you want to be with her but if she doesnt then you have to break all contact as its too hard for you

Youzername

nc19 wrote: »

Tell her to shìt or get off the pot!!

Shes keeping you as a back up imo.

Tell her you want to be with her but if she doesnt then you have to break all contact as its too hard for you

I was thinking that tbh.

And I did say to her that staying in contact is not an option really for me unless something changes between us, because I don't feel like we could ever be 'just friends'.

She didn't really say much to that though except that she 'kind of' understands, and just repeated that she cares for me and all that.....

December2012

You could ask her directly what she wants from you - friendship or romance / sex? (Im not suggesting you suggest either).

What do you want from her?

Know your own mind first and then see if your wants match.

Youzername

December2012 wrote: »

You could ask her directly what she wants from you - friendship or romance / sex? (Im not suggesting you suggest either).

What do you want from her?

Know your own mind first and then see if your wants match.

Well, I know I would be open to properly trying things again.

But I honestly have no idea where she stands, I haven't been particularly difficult about the topic but any time I have brought it up it is avoided or (if over text) ignored, then she texts me the next day/week as if I never asked or mentioned it.

December2012

You don't have to respond to her texts if she's not responding to yours.

seenitall

Youzername wrote: »

Well, I know I would be open to properly trying things again.

But I honestly have no idea where she stands, I haven't been particularly difficult about the topic but any time I have brought it up it is avoided or (if over text) ignored, then she texts me the next day/week as if I never asked or mentioned it.

Hi OP,

your ex sounds like a proper head-wrecker and bad news all round. It is very attention-seeking behaviour to lead you on like she did, take you home and then just want to talk - about nothing in particular. She knows you care about her, otherwise she wouldn't be pulling this farce.

My guess is that she is probably going out with someone (hence the avoidance of talking about her relationship status, lest you lose your interest once she's told you) who isn't treating her the way she wants him to, or she is in some other way feeling a bit down and in need of validation. So you're the back-up plan for some attention and validation. That's all she wants from you, forget about anything else.

This woman is playing you, OP. Wake up and smell the coffee. What she is doing is cruel. Cut her out of your life indefinitely, you can't go on being in touch and seeing someone who doesn't want you anymore, but knows you want them. It's very damaging to your self-esteem, and there will be no end to it if you let it go on.

Tell her you can't talk to her any more, cut all contact, and go meet some more women.

Best wishes.

Victoria Fortescue

Whatever is going on in her life obviously wasn't going to plan, and she was tapping you for an ego boost. In the cold light of day she realised what she'd done and gave you cold shoulder.

You need to get over this girl, and don't allow yourself to be the one she leans on whenever she feels insecure. Cut out the meetings, because I'm sure she was getting the impression from you that you were open to rekindle. I don't believe that is what she wants, you can see that when she is sober, she avoids that kind of conversation.

My feeling is you should walk away from this.

Idle Passerby

She ignores your questions when you text them and never brings it up in person. That to me says she isn't remotely interested in rekindling anything. She's purposely sitting on the fence, knowing that you want answers.

My guess about her relationship status is that shes either fresh back on the dating scene and looking for some guaranteed interest/casual flirtation from a 'safe' source, or shes not happy in her current relationship and she's looking to see if the grass is greener elsewhere.

If she was seriously interested in giving it another go with you she would have made that clear by now.

rainbowtrout

I agree with all of the above OP and also she was out for the night and texting you, and at the end of the night she texted you for a lift home and the carrot was possible fun, which never happened.


What really happened was she clicked her fingers and you came running even though you broke up three years ago. Who texts their ex to get them to give them a lift home after a night out when the ex wasn't even out??? Ego boost for her. Delete her number, she will wreck your head.

Youzername

You guys all seem to be saying the same thing, and unfortunately in the back of my mind I think I knew that myself

I would like to think this isn't the case, and of course she would probably say it isn't, but you's are more than likely right.

I don't even know what to say to her at this point...

Victoria Fortescue

Youzername wrote: »

You guys all seem to be saying the same thing, and unfortunately in the back of my mind I think I knew that myself

I would like to think this isn't the case, and of course she would probably say it isn't, but you's are more than likely right.

I don't even know what to say to her at this point...

I'm sorry if I was so blunt, but I'd rather be honest with you. Like the others here we just wish the best for you.

It seems to me that the girl has some insecurities, and she knows you care for her. I wish it was more, for you, but I don't feel it here. You need to emotionally free yourself from her, but please don't meet her again. You are important, restore this value in yourself by trying to move on.

It's such a Cliché, I know, but there is someone worth that love you feel, it's not your ex. Free yourself of your ex and find her

MugMugs

I have a name for women like this "Head Melter"

There's seven of them all called that in my phone.

Cut contact and get the hell outta dodge because she will WRECK your head if you don't!

Filibuster

Cut her off or you'll be another 3 years trying to get over her. Delete her number off your phone.

bobsnob

don't cut her off..tell her outright how u feel and if she says no then cut her off

comewatmay

Didn't read the rest of the post. But I've some advice.

This girl got all needy when you were less frequent with your reponses. Women are like that when they break up with you, they always want to make sure they have you wrapped around their little finger and could have you whenever they want.

She wanted to see if you would pick her up that night to confirm she could have you if she wanted. When she knew this back at the house she didn't feel the need to sleep with you as she got what she wanted.....confirmation that you are still her lap dog.

If I was you I'd refuse to respond to her future texts as this will wreck her head. Don't give her the joy of knowing she can have you at the drop of a text.

alias06

She is using you. Don't let her do this again.

Three years on you should be over her. You need to put in place a plan to meet other women and completely forget about your ex.

Youzername

bobsnob wrote: »

don't cut her off..tell her outright how u feel and if she says no then cut her off

I've a pretty good feeling if I tell her how I feel right now, she would just fob it off and say something along the lines of "Oh, I didn't know you felt that way" and then nothing more.

It seems pretty much the same story from all you guys, kinda thought so.

Thanks for giving me the right perspective though.

On the night she did say oh sorry, suggesting I got the wrong idea, and that she'd return the favour (a lift) next time I'm out.

I just said it was ok, and nah its grand about the lift.....

I never understand playing these games tbh, with me its what you see is what you get really

bobsnob

Youzername wrote: »

I've a pretty good feeling if I tell her how I feel right now, she would just fob it off and say something along the lines of "Oh, I didn't know you felt that way" and then nothing more.

It seems pretty much the same story from all you guys, kinda thought so.

Thanks for giving me the right perspective though.

On the night she did say oh sorry, suggesting I got the wrong idea, and that she'd return the favour (a lift) next time I'm out.

I just said it was ok, and nah its grand about the lift.....

I never understand playing these games tbh, with me its what you see is what you get really

fair play mate, cut her off so...unless she comes back begging no contact

Big Bag of Chips

Not wanting to be too crass, OP - but she didn't want to wait for/pay for a taxi home. That's it. That's why she called you. Who in their right mind calls ANYONE (other than a boyfriend/sibling etc) to collect them at 1am?

She is using you. Using you to make herself feel good, and using you for her own gain (free lift home).

You are too considerate of her feelings, to be honest. She is not giving you the same consideration. If you have the facility on your phone to block her number just do it. Block her on Facebook, or any other media you may have her details. Make it harder for her to contact you, and tell yourself - she doesn't care about how you feel, if she did she wouldn't be stringing you along. Don't be afraid of hurting her feelings or not replying to her... she'll get over it. Quicker than you are, it would seem.

She obviously likes you, but she likes you as a friend and someone she can fall back on if she needs something. But she doesn't want to be your gf. She flirting with you and flattering you, because she knows it's keeping you close. If you can't handle that, then it's ok for you to be a bit selfish and back off. You don't have to make any grand statement or gesture. You don't have to tell her you want to cut contact (that will only give her opportunity to persuade you you are getting the wrong idea etc.. and keep you dangling) So just stop replying to her. It will not be easy for you, but it will get easier with time.