Dating, fag hags and more

LegacyUser

I recently started dating a guy. Basically he seems to be more interested in his fag hag than me when shes around and generally just playing up to all the girls in the room.
It's quite annoying for me. I don't get a look in and often when everyone else finally leaves us alone he takes his frustrations out on me, being moody and insulting to me. Then he plays up to his fag hag once she's back.
Is this normal for some gay guys? He seems to like my looks rather than me it seems. I don't know if i'm being overly sensitive or if he's treating me like crap. I certainly have felt like crap after spending 'time' around him. Also he jokingly has hit me in the face a few times... I don't know what that is all about. I'm probably being too nice to him. I do anything he asks of me and he seems to really be taking advantage of my good nature. I don't mind doing little jobas for people but I hate to be taken for granted. The worst thing is that he's loved by everyone and I don't think anyone else even notices this from my perspective. If I was to break up with him I'll seem like the bad guy. Have I reasons to be concerned or am I just jealous?

Rick_

How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive or what? Maybe he doesn't see you as a full on boyfriend yet and more of a friends with benefits thing so he doesn't think he should be paying you lots of attention and just sees you still as one of his friends?

From your description, it does sound like something is up though. If he is ignoring you, question him about it the next time you are alone with him. Tell him it is making you feel left out and see what he says.

Is he slapping you or hitting you with a closed fist? Is it causing you actual pain? This also has to be addressed with him and he needs to be told you don't like it and it has to stop. Was he doing it in jest or were you possibly arguing at the time or how did it come about?

The relationship is about the two of you and if he isn't willing to make the effort then get rid of him. I wouldn't say it is jealousy at all. You say he is liked by everyone, so perhaps he is well aware of this and it is his ego responsible for his behaviour. He possibly thinks that because everyone loves him he can do what he wants and it will be accepted. Let him know it won't by you and perhaps this will give him a little bit of a reality check. If it doesn't then you're gonna have to ask yourself if it is worth staying with him if he is causing you this much annoyance. Remember, you're in the relationship too and if you aren't happy, it's time to do something about it.

Hope it works out for you. Let us know what happens.

floggg

AdviceNeededPlease34343 wrote: »

I recently started dating a guy. Basically he seems to be more interested in his fag hag than me when shes around and generally just playing up to all the girls in the room.
It's quite annoying for me. I don't get a look in and often when everyone else finally leaves us alone he takes his frustrations out on me, being moody and insulting to me. Then he plays up to his fag hag once she's back.
Is this normal for some gay guys? He seems to like my looks rather than me it seems. I don't know if i'm being overly sensitive or if he's treating me like crap. I certainly have felt like crap after spending 'time' around him. Also he jokingly has hit me in the face a few times... I don't know what that is all about. I'm probably being too nice to him. I do anything he asks of me and he seems to really be taking advantage of my good nature. I don't mind doing little jobas for people but I hate to be taken for granted. The worst thing is that he's loved by everyone and I don't think anyone else even notices this from my perspective. If I was to break up with him I'll seem like the bad guy. Have I reasons to be concerned or am I just jealous?

In the immortal words of Dan Savage "Dump the mother****er already."

He treats you bad and makes you feel like ****. End it.


I'm guessing this might be your first relationship? How long have you been going out?

And what age are you if you don't mind me asking?

There doesn't need to a bad guy in a break-up. If you sit him down and tell him respectfully that it wasn't working for you and you can't see it going anywhere that should be it.

Anyway, being the "bad guy" is only an issue for you if you have shared friends. But friends are likely to know you both and have seen the relationship in action to know you didn't do a whole lot wrong.


Dump the mother ****er already, and chalk it off to experience. And in your next relationship learn to take a stand on these sort of things early. If you don't feel you are being treated the way you deserve, then say it and if the don't respond positively then move on.

Shakti

he sounds like an arsehole you should shake rattle and roll and stop the calling his friend a "fag hag",

floggg

Shakti wrote: »

he sounds like an arsehole you should shake rattle and roll and stop the calling his friend a "fag hag",

Agreed on the fag hag. I can't decide on who it offends and dehumanises more - gay men or their straight female friends.

I am guessing the OP is young and newly out. These mistakes are easily made when new on the scene so I guess we can give him a pass this time.

(Like any term, it can be fine in the right context, but this is most certainly not the right context).

Aard

No it's not mormal behaviour.

The guy sounds like a douche.

Who cares if you look like the bad guy if you break up?

LegacyUser

Sorry for the 'fag hag' comments. It's just what she was referring to herself as.
I'm 25 but yeah this is my first gay relationship. I've been dating him since November but I have no idea if we're exclusive or not. He text me a lot always wanting to meet. But I've only been hanging out with either him alone or with his friends. It's the way he acts around one friend in particular more than others where I really feel like the third wheel. She doesn't seem to like me being around and is all over him. Actually some of his male friends gave me a bit of a look at one stage while she was on top of him as if to say 'how do you feel about this', as I was the third wheel for the entire day.
When we finally do get to be alone I don't know how else to describe it but he acts very mean to me. It's like he turns on a persona around girls even if he's not feeling great, then takes it out on me as soon as they leave.
He was sort of hitting me in jest with a soft first but he was angry with me at the same time. It wasn't particularly sore but more disrespectful I felt.
At the same time before recently he was only good to me. It's just I've done only nice things and never expected him to start treating me badly. I'm just wondering if maybe perhaps there is something he feels I've done, but I can't think on anything. I've even tried to be extra nice to him when he gets moody and starts treating me like crap. For example he told me not to look at him at one stage out of the blue. He'll then just constantly criticise me.
He definitely knows that girls love him, he told me himself before I met his friends. It's just annoying that he plays up to them but doesn't care about me.
I don't want to stop seeing him just yet but at the same time I'd never been made to feel as bad as I had this weekend.

Doop

Op I had a similar "relationship" myself and it was also my first at the time, when you say he makes you feel crappy it completely brought me back to that 1st relationship I had, as he also made me feel bad about myself.

Looking back on it now I feel so foolish for putting up with for as long as I did, no body should make you feel like that especially not your 'boyfriend' I hate to say it but just get rid, and leave yourself open to meeting someone decent, when I compare my current bf to the first they are worlds apart and only now can I see how wrong that first relationship was.

I think when its your first you are more willing to go along with especially cos as we all know it can be difficult to meet someone but thats no reason to stay together, the fact that ye dont even know if ye are exclusive says a lot ... there doesn't appear to be much meaningful communication.

Dont let yourself be walked all over, nobody will respect that especially not him.
Do yourself a favour and move on.

Shakti

Sounds like this guy is dismantling your self esteem, it's called negging or a form of it. I've zero tolerance for it up to you how you want to live your life and conduct your relationships, one thing were are your friends in all of this?

floggg

adviceneededplease34343 wrote: »

Sorry for the 'fag hag' comments. It's just what she was referring to herself as.
I'm 25 but yeah this is my first gay relationship. I've been dating him since November but I have no idea if we're exclusive or not. He text me a lot always wanting to meet. But I've only been hanging out with either him alone or with his friends. It's the way he acts around one friend in particular more than others where I really feel like the third wheel. She doesn't seem to like me being around and is all over him. Actually some of his male friends gave me a bit of a look at one stage while she was on top of him as if to say 'how do you feel about this', as I was the third wheel for the entire day.
When we finally do get to be alone I don't know how else to describe it but he acts very mean to me. It's like he turns on a persona around girls even if he's not feeling great, then takes it out on me as soon as they leave.
He was sort of hitting me in jest with a soft first but he was angry with me at the same time. It wasn't particularly sore but more disrespectful I felt.
At the same time before recently he was only good to me. It's just I've done only nice things and never expected him to start treating me badly. I'm just wondering if maybe perhaps there is something he feels I've done, but I can't think on anything. I've even tried to be extra nice to him when he gets moody and starts treating me like crap. For example he told me not to look at him at one stage out of the blue. He'll then just constantly criticise me.
He definitely knows that girls love him, he told me himself before I met his friends. It's just annoying that he plays up to them but doesn't care about me.
I don't want to stop seeing him just yet but at the same time I'd never been made to feel as bad as I had this weekend.

OP are you long out?

Why is it you want to continue the relationship? Is it something to do with him and HE makes you feel?

Or is it something to do with being in a relationship and how THAT makes you feel?

Hope you don't take this the wrong way but it sounds to me like you are a bit naive and innocent with regard to relationships and lacking in self confidence and esteem.

Whether he is manipulating you intentionally or not, the fact that you are starting to question whether you are to blame for his mood swings and mis treatment of you is a very bad sign. I'm not saying that the relationship is abusive - though the fact that he has struck you in an unwelcome and disrespectful manner is suggestive of one - but generally in an abusive relationship the victim is made to feel at fault.

Now it could well be that he's not setting out to make you feel like that, and you are just thinking this way because if insecurity or something, but even at that it's not healthy for you to be in this relationship.

I would hazard a guess that your desire to keep seeing is a mix of naïveté as to how a relationship functions, low self esteem and a desire to be in a relationship for a relationships sake - rather than to be in one with this specific person.

While we only have one side of the story, the very fact that you feel like this after 3 months is a terrible sign. The fact that there you are made to feel so bad within the relationship and there is an evident lack of communication means this is not going to end well.

Dump him, and take some time to get a big more comfortable and confident in yourself. Figure out what you want in a relationship and how you feel you should be treated.

And then learn how to take a stand when you feel you aren't being treated as you should be.

Hope that doesn't come across as critical. It's not. I think a lot of people, myself included, can make this sort of mistakes starting out in dating.

I was going to pm you all that but couldn't as you were posting anon.

Ten of Swords

OP you've been given some good advice from the other posts but really it comes down to how much you value yourself and your self esteem. You must know on some level the way you are being treated is wrong otherwise you would not have asked the question.

It's hard when you're in that situation, to see a way out where everyone gets what they want - by that I mean, he treats you better and you get to stay together. The reality is that this probably won't happen unless you call him out on his behaviour, and if he is unwilling to change what then? For how long are you prepared to feel the way you are feeling right now?

Many of us have been in that situation before, caring deeply about someone that treats us badly, or who simply doesn't reciprocate our feelings. It's easy to see the problems when you're looking at someone else in that situation but it's not so easy to spot when it's you. Unfortunately the heart will always try to override common sense. Let me ask you this, if your best friend told you that he was in your situation and asked you for advice what would you tell them?

Your boyfriend's behaviour is unacceptable. Ignoring you and making you feel like a third wheel is bad enough but for him to demean you, vent his frustrations, chip away at your self worth and make you feel like it's your own fault is pretty sinister. You're being controlled and you may not fully realise it yet but trust me, that's what is happening (telling you not to look at him, feeling that you must do nice things for him to make the situation between you get better etc). As for him hitting your face, joking and mess fighting is one thing but you say he does this while he's angry, that's a serious warning sign, whether it's painful when he does it or not.

This is your first relationship with a guy and it's great, it's exciting and it's special but there are people out there that will treat you the way you deserve, people who won't erode your self esteem and who will make you feel loved instead of feeling full of worry and confusion - your boyfriend is not one of them.

If you do break up with him who cares who's perceived to be the bad guy? Either way you will look back on this relationship in months or years to come and realise just how self-destructive it was.

Have a read through this thread starting at about post 16. There are some similarities to your situation, ie uncaring and indifferent partners, and see what you think of their situation and how they chose to handle it.

sawdoubters

he could be bisexual and likes his girl-friend

whirlpool

I've actually seen this exact situation quite a bit.

He's immature, attention-seeking, and has a lot of growing up to do. He is nowhere even close to being able to handle an actual relationship, and perhaps he doesn't really want one. He also does not know how to communicate his feelings at all, and instead just plays the annoying clown to attract attention.

Absolutely zero judgement of him. But, you have to ask yourself if you feel like devoting any more of your precious time to a person like that.

Think of yourself, look after yourself, be kind to yourself, expect better and only accept better.

Let people like that alone to do the growing up that they have to do, and go after what *you* want from life. Is this tempermental adult child really what you want from life?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the feedback it's great appreciated.
When I first met him he was constantly complimenting and I felt really comfortable with him. I even started thinking maybe we should soon move in together because he was so nice.
But I've been thinking about some of the advice I've gotten on here and it seems to make sense. He definitely has been destroying my self esteem whether it's a conscious thing on his behalf on his part I don't know. But I open up to him about a lot of stuff to him and he knows some personal stuff and he knows just how vulnerable and sensitive I am about everything right now.
He could treat me badly or either totally ignore me from the rest of his friends for an entire day but once I'd be leaving he'd see me on his own and be nice again just before I'd leave which would make me start to think to myself, "Now I wish I wasn't sitting there for the last hour asking myself is he consciously doing this to me".
He's never really expressed an interest to hang out with my friends, but to be honest I've never really pushed for it too hard either because I'm still a bit self aware of showing emotions towards a man now in front of them because it's still new to them. I doubt they'd really care but I'd be thinking about it too much just yet.
I'm confidant he's not bisexual but I still hate the way he'll chose to sit with his friend as opposed to me. I was at his friends house over the weekend and the two of them were as bad as each other, constantly cuddling each other. She makes it known how much she'd love to be with him and I find that a little irritating, especially then because he'll say something like, "I know I wish I was straight" and they'll laugh about it.
The more I type here the more I'm thinking I'll have to move on. He almost had me in tears last night. I wasn't just a third wheel, I was sort of a hinderance is what it felt like.
I think I'll tell him next time I see him. I'll sound a bit needy perhaps but there's no point in feeling miserable about it.
Thanks again for the advice everyone.

azezil

Ugh, when I first came out I met a bunch of gay guys like that, even attempted to date one for a little while, but I got out after 3 weeks of that b.s.!

To me, guys like that are very fake and needy, I steer well clear. My advise, get out while you can :eek: