boyfriend watching porn everyday

LegacyUser

please help.
my boyfriend and I have some issues in the bedroom, I haven't got much of a libido, possibly due to being on antidepressants, and so sometimes, 2 months can pass without us having sex.

he, on the other hand is quite the opposite of me, and i know that he does masturbate but I recently found out he has been watching porn every day and masturbating to it, between the time that he gets home from work and I do.

I accidentely came across it on his computer and he denied it when I asked him.

A few weeks later I checked his history and discovered more porn, every day.
Checked it again recently but stupidly left it open so he knows I was snooping around...I am honestly not a snooper but I was a bit freaked about the level of porn and I wanted to know for sure. I was totally going to bring it up again to talk about it but he is having some tough family issues so i was going to wait til that passed to bring it up.

in the past he has told me that the worst thing I, or any girlfriend, could do to him after cheating is snoop around his laptop....so the trust now is totally gone. I do tink I had a rightful reason to look though.

I know it all really stems from me, not giving him enough/any satisfaction but i'm still really freaked out that everyday after work, he comes home and **** to porn on the couch until I come home....

CrazySka

Not to sound harsh but what help do you want?
Your boyfriend wants a fulfilling sex life, you are not giving it to him for a reason that may or may not be beyond your control, was your libido ok at some point? Do you want a return to that? If so you should go and see a doctor really to explain/explore the idea that your meds are causing this issue and whether there is a solution to that.
Is the snooping on the laptop the issue you need advice on? If so could a possible reason why he's freaked out about you looking is that he knows your reaction to him looking at porn as a means to satisfy himself would be so negative?
What he's doing isn't a bad thing, he is not using porn and then avoiding sex with you, he's not cheating on you, sounds like he's being patient tbh.
Again I really amn't saying any of this to be harsh but you're IMO you have a few options, explore/resolve your libido issues, meet him halfway or find a way to be ok with it....

Penny Tration

I'm really sorry, but I have to be blunt - if he's not getting sexual satisfaction in his relationship, it's completely normal and understandable that he would satisfy himself. Porn is an aid to the masturbation.

Honestly, I don't think he's doing anything wrong at all.

Has your libido always been this low, oe has it dipped since the depression and medication? If it's the latter, it can be fixed by speaking to your doctor.

ElleEm

Just because you have no sexual desires, does not mean you should expect your boyfriend to supress his. His watching porn is his way of satisfying his sexual needs- I really don't see how you can be upset with him because of it.
Sex is a huge part of any relationship, so I think you should be grateful (if that is the right word) that your boyfriend is managing the lack if sex without putting you under pressure.
As others have said, address your own issues with your libido.

iusedtoknow

noushy wrote: »

please help.
my boyfriend and I have some issues in the bedroom, I haven't got much of a libido, possibly due to being on antidepressants, and so sometimes, 2 months can pass without us having sex.

he, on the other hand is quite the opposite of me, and i know that he does masturbate but I recently found out he has been watching porn every day and masturbating to it, between the time that he gets home from work and I do.

I accidentely came across it on his computer and he denied it when I asked him.

A few weeks later I checked his history and discovered more porn, every day.
Checked it again recently but stupidly left it open so he knows I was snooping around...I am honestly not a snooper but I was a bit freaked about the level of porn and I wanted to know for sure. I was totally going to bring it up again to talk about it but he is having some tough family issues so i was going to wait til that passed to bring it up.

in the past he has told me that the worst thing I, or any girlfriend, could do to him after cheating is snoop around his laptop....so the trust now is totally gone. I do tink I had a rightful reason to look though.

I know it all really stems from me, not giving him enough/any satisfaction but i'm still really freaked out that everyday after work, he comes home and **** to porn on the couch until I come home....

Bolded the stand out parts...

So even though you're not a snooper, you've continually snooped and broke your BF's trust.

TBH, i think it is better for him to be sat home and fapping in the afternoon to fulfill his needs, than going else where to get more intimacy.

Are you intimate as a couple? Sex should only a part (albeit a pretty large part) of a couples intimate lives. I'd suggest not talking to him directly about the porn, but maybe trying to satisfy him in other ways (other than full sex).

Merkin

If he does not have a satisfying, fulfilling or regular sex life then of course he is going to **** at every opportunity. Lots of people enjoy masturbation in addition to an enjoyable and active sex life but he's going to need to do it even more regularly when you're not saving sex with him. You really need to address the issue ASAP. Not the issue of his watching porn but the evident issue with your very low libido, you need to address it and talk to a GP about reviewing your meds if its having this kind of impact on a fundamental part of a healthy and happy relationship.

P_1

OP your boyfriend has a higher libido than you do (from what you posted) and needs to find a way of satisfying it. Nothing wrong with watching porn to satisfy it if things aren't working in the bedroom. He isn't cheating on you to satisfy it, he's just watching porn.

Aestivalis

One thing you got to understand about guys is...they watch porn...alot.
That can be every day, twice a day, even if they have a fullfilling sex life. Its just completely natural. Masturbation is completely normal and there's nothing wrong with watching porn.

I can only speak for males, but nearly every male watches porn and masturbates. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Czarcasm

noushy wrote: »

please help.
my boyfriend and I have some issues in the bedroom, I haven't got much of a libido, possibly due to being on antidepressants, and so sometimes, 2 months can pass without us having sex.

he, on the other hand is quite the opposite of me, and i know that he does masturbate but I recently found out he has been watching porn every day and masturbating to it, between the time that he gets home from work and I do.

I accidentely came across it on his computer and he denied it when I asked him.

A few weeks later I checked his history and discovered more porn, every day.
Checked it again recently but stupidly left it open so he knows I was snooping around...I am honestly not a snooper but I was a bit freaked about the level of porn and I wanted to know for sure. I was totally going to bring it up again to talk about it but he is having some tough family issues so i was going to wait til that passed to bring it up.

in the past he has told me that the worst thing I, or any girlfriend, could do to him after cheating is snoop around his laptop....so the trust now is totally gone. I do tink I had a rightful reason to look though.

I know it all really stems from me, not giving him enough/any satisfaction but i'm still really freaked out that everyday after work, he comes home and **** to porn on the couch until I come home....

I'm looking at this a different way OP tbh. I think your boyfriend has his own double standard when it comes to trust, as in - he should have come and talked to you about the issue and the lack of sex in your relationship rather than not addressing it and trying to satisfy himself with porn instead, then try to deny it and lie to you when you found out about it. So he has his standards of betrayal in a relationship; but he considers lying to you is acceptable instead of confronting the issue and talking to you about it.

Whatever other issues he has going on tbh I think it's worth sitting him down and talking about it. If he wants to watch porn, let him watch porn, but there shouldn't be any need for him to try to hide it from you when he does and then push the blame back on you and have you blame yourself for him not talking to you about it.

ps. You don't "owe" anyone sexual fulfilment btw so don't go blaming yourself for that either. You both need to tackle this issue because you're both responsible for it.

Pawwed Rig

noushy wrote: »

in the past he has told me that the worst thing I, or any girlfriend, could do to him after cheating is snoop around his laptop....so the trust now is totally gone. I do tink I had a rightful reason to look though.

This is no different to going through someones text messages or e-mails and is completely unnacceptable in any relationship. It is a complete invasion of his privacy and is frankly none of your business. This kind of snooping does not a good relationship make.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, have you thought about what is the reason you don't want him watching porn?

When you do bring it up with him, in what way are you going to bring it up? That you don't want him to do it? Why? You need to have a clear answer for that. Just saying "I don't want you looking at porn" won't be enough.

Do you think it is disgusting?
Do you think he will compare you to the other women?
Do you think he is somehow being unfaithful to you?
Do you object to porn in general, or do you object to your boyfriend watching porn?

Denying it could be just a defense mechanism. He might have felt embarrassed that you found out. Not guilty, because he shouldn't feel guilty - he masturbates, and this is just a tool to help him. But honestly, I don't see that he is doing anything that wrong.

Are you happy having a low libido? Would you prefer to have sex more often, or does it really not bother you? He probably has an "average" sex drive, and sex once every 2 months isn't enough for him. So he masturbates, and uses porn to help him masturbate.

kjl

Maybe you could make a video when your libido is up, then he could use that while he relieves himself.

Zen65

noushy wrote: »

I know it all really stems from me, not giving him enough/any satisfaction . . .

Well that's not necessarily true.

Certainly it is almost certain that he feels he is not getting enough sexual satisfaction from the relationship. Working on that together is a good place to start, but you should be under no illusion that this would stop him from looking at porn, though it is likely that his usage would decline.

Men often look at porn to explore urges / fetishes / curiosities that they would not necessarily even be interested in pursuing in real life. If your bf is doing this then he's not going to stop in the event where your sex life improves.

Whatever your feelings about his using porn, it is a far better alternative to cheating on you. If you want to see his use of porn reduce, then you won't achieve that by confronting him and starting an argument. You might achieve it by working with him to improve the sexual aspect of your relationship. This does not mean you need to accept a higher level of penetrative sex than you are comfortable with. There are many alternative ways of stimulating him and satisfying his sexual urges. You may be surprised to find that engaging in sexual non-penetrative play with him actually stimulates you too.

However this is not the forum for discussing such activities. Perhaps you may wish to visit a relationship counsellor for advice?

Z

iusedtoknow

Zen65 wrote: »

Well that's not necessarily true.

not necessarily, but mostly true. The OP has to realize that one way or another, men get backed up and the endorphin high from ejaculation whether it is during intercourse or on your own is second to none.

Porn for most guys serves a purpose when for a number of different reasons (single, partner/you away, etc etc) sex is off the agenda. It's purely about a release, and then getting on with the rest of your day.

Holsten

Why are you freaked out? I mean if you had a healthy and active sex life and he was still doing this then I would think he should cut down.

But as it stands now he is not getting what he wants, and has to turn to porn to get this sexual fulfillment.

You should try and figure out the exact cause of your low libido and get it corrected, as a relationship cannot last with vastly different sex drives.

Balaclava1991

noushy wrote: »

please help.
my boyfriend and I have some issues in the bedroom, I haven't got much of a libido, possibly due to being on antidepressants, and so sometimes, 2 months can pass without us having sex.

he, on the other hand is quite the opposite of me, and i know that he does masturbate but I recently found out he has been watching porn every day and masturbating to it, between the time that he gets home from work and I do.

I accidentely came across it on his computer and he denied it when I asked him.

A few weeks later I checked his history and discovered more porn, every day.
Checked it again recently but stupidly left it open so he knows I was snooping around...I am honestly not a snooper but I was a bit freaked about the level of porn and I wanted to know for sure. I was totally going to bring it up again to talk about it but he is having some tough family issues so i was going to wait til that passed to bring it up.

in the past he has told me that the worst thing I, or any girlfriend, could do to him after cheating is snoop around his laptop....so the trust now is totally gone. I do tink I had a rightful reason to look though.

I know it all really stems from me, not giving him enough/any satisfaction but i'm still really freaked out that everyday after work, he comes home and **** to porn on the couch until I come home....

Him looking at porn has nothing to do with you.

It is unrealistic to expect a man who loves you to get sexual gratification just from your body and nowhere else.
Love and sex are not the same thing. A man does not stop being horny just because he is in a loving relationship.

He probably loves you to bits but his sex drive has nothing to do with emotions.

Men masturbate all the time even if they have a wife or girlfriend.

It is biological.

The human male has the largest penis and testicles of any of the apes.
If a woman is having sexual relations with multiple men without protection their semen containing chemicals will kill rival sperm which are trying to fertilize her egg.
So humans naturally are designed to be promiscuous and men produce more semen than they need to have children.
Monogamy was invented long ago when people began living on top of each other in populated areas whereas before humans lived in bands of a few hundred hunter gatherers who roamed wildly.

Among bonobos our closest ape cousins sex is actually used as a form of greeting and this is possibly how human beings lived in pre-farming societies before civilization created transfer of property the transfer of property from one generation to the other and monogamy became enforced and promiscuity became a taboo. In pre-farming societies and in their equivalent among primitive tribes on separate continents there was no concept of an exclusive sexual relationship and the connection between sexual intercourse and paternity was not obvious. A child born to a woman who had multiple sexual partners became a child of the entire tribe and all of the males in the tribe were its father.

Men who are in monogamous relationships love their wives and girlfriends but cannot help constantly checking out other women and imagining sexual encounters but most men do not act on it. Some men do act on it on it because quite frankly they are animals and temptation often overrules reason and when we act on our animal instincts we rationalize them as afterwards.
A man who cheats on his girlfriend or wife says to himself he will not do it again until the next time.

So count yourself lucky that he is merely looking at porn and not cheating on you or worse visiting prostitutes

He probably love you to bits and sex with you is satisfying but he is horny and that needs an outlet.

The vivid images in porn images and porn videos on line are so attractive to men because previously they had to make do with mental images of naked women, crude drawings of women on the walls of toilets and later photos in porn mags they had to smuggle past customs.

Think of it this way.

When he is having real sex with you he is probably in emotional bliss and while he is massaging his penis with his hand while gawking at pixels on a computer or printed dots on the page of a porn mag he is wishing he was with you. When he gets an erection when he sees a woman swinging her hips and her ass as she struts past he is probably thinking of the next time he sees you again and is sexually intimate with you.

blatantrereg

Porn watching should be a non-issue unless it interferes with your sex life.

I agree that you might discuss your medication with your doctor. If your doctor is the type to treat meds like smarties then you might look at changing doctors, if you have that option.

The ethical approach is to prescribe as little medication as possible for as little time as possible - which means none at all if it is not actually required. Yet doctors get commission on meds they prescribe.