Let the Friendship Go?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Just looking for some advice please on a situation with a friend. Will call her Jane. Was best with Jane all through college and years after. We are now mid 30s. Would be in touch all the time and told each other everything, a very mutually supportive friendship which I truly valued! Fast forward to the last few years and things have changed hugely.

A lot of really bad stuff happened to me over the last few years, genuinely worst time of my life.Don't want to go into here but am not talking minor stuff and it wasn't just one thing they kept coming. I am not somebody who goes around to everyone telling my woes to but would always have relied on Jane to be there and vice versa. I noticed however that she started to distance herself. At first it wasn't so obvious I was probably quite self absorbed with my own stuff which would not be the norm for me. However after a very difficult event that I experienced it was obvious that Jane didn;t want to know. I texted her asking to talk and her responses were cold. I remember being in shock and I asked what was going on and why the change? She sent a very vague response about not being able to as available as she used to but with no real explaination beyond that.

Afterwards I would send the odd text message asking to meet for a coffee. Often the responses would be "too much going on at the moment", "so busy" etc. Just for the record she is no more busy than the rest of us and does not go out hugely. We did meet for coffee eventually and it was all very pleasant. I knew I had been heavy in the past so deliberately kept things light. At the end I did say I was glad we had met and I felt we were drifting. I also apolgised if i had been too needy or demanding whcile going through my stuff. She didn;t really say much just said "it's fine". I felt better after that meeting and thought things might get back on track however it became obvious that it didn't change much. I sent the odd light hearted text saying "was watching blah reminded me of x". The response would be generally polite but nothing warm or encouraging further communication.

We have mutual friends and I know she would be in regular contact with them and meets up with them etc. I did try asking a couple of mutual friends what the story was and they said they didn't know. One friend I suspect knows something but is not saying. I don't want to keep going on about this so I left it. The few times Jane and I were in the same company I felt uncomfortable, like elephant in the room.

I would actually prefer if she just came out and said I don;t wish to be friends with you anymore but she is not doing that. She is just freezing me out and I feel that if I say something it just makes me look needy and demanding. I do really miss our friendship but I feel that I am in a limbo position. At times I have felt angry and really wanted to call her and say just tell me what did I do? What's going on? Obviously am not going to do that.

I was thinking of writing her a letter but I don;t want it to come across as being victimy. I guess I just want to know why we have gone from best friends to polite acquaintances? Is that asking too much? I admit I was needy in the past but I was going through some very difficult stuff and I am a good friend -am not a me me me person at all. Am just not sure what do with this situation. Am I wrong to feel hurt?

Any advice?

Merkin

I think this has run it's course by the sounds of things. You have made numerous attempts to rekindle the closeness and it is now just awkward between you when you do meet. I wouldn't go writing a letter. I appreciate that you must be very hurt but if you suspect that you were over reliant in the past and that is the reason for her distancing herself then you are probably right.

I know I've been hurt by a couple of people in my past who I was very supportive of but who then weren't really there for me when the chips were down, needless to say I cut them out. Do you think perhaps she may have tried to lean on you at some stage but you might have been a little too self absorbed and not noticed?

castaway_lady

I agree with Merkin, seems like somewhere along the line you inadvertently put her off or offended her. If you had a lot of stuff going on and were wrapped up in that its likely that you wouldnt recall or realise but might have been a slight for her. Longterm high maintenance is tough. I dont think that writing a letter here is a good idea, it wont achieve what you want, probably time to bury this one as one of those friendships that were in your life for a season and a reason and that ran its course.

December2012

You know even the people who have "no more problems than normal" still need and like to be listened to, to be valued for their own value, to be important, to be more than a de facto therapist / counsellor.

You might not have viewed her life as important for her to talk about, but she did.

Any friend who only talks about themselves, even if they've gone through a horrible experience, turns from a freind into an obligation.

Now maybe you did this inadvertently, not on purpose and maybe you needed to do this to process your experience. But the cost of it is that your friendship changed.

It seems like she's trying to be magnanimous in just letting you apologise, be polite, and let the friendship just "go".

Hannibal Smith

Some friendships run dry. I had a friend I thought I was quite close too. But then I realised I was a friend when I suited her and got frozen out when she didn't. I deleted her number snd haven't contacted her since. I don't miss the friendship which is testament to the fact there wasn't anything of great substance to it. Funny thing is she's now best mates wth people she spent years backstabbing.

Any how. ..I would say...dont write a letter. ..dont give it a second thought. If you feel she's discussing you to the point that you're the stranger in the room dotnot push it any further. You will only end up bearing your soul to someone who will use your vulnerability as a talking point with someone else.

Let it go would be my two cents

strandroad

It looks like you overloaded her with your troubles, it's just how life turned out for both of you. It's hard to be the sympathetic ear for very long and perhaps your friendship was not deep enough to sustain it.
She won't say "I don't want to be friends with you Mary because your life takes over and is too difficult to keep hearing about" as it would show her in a bad light, so she's distancing herself more subtly. Just let her.

freshpopcorn

I went to school with a guy and we became friends after a while tough he started to tell me all his problems/worries and at first I did my best to help him/listen to him. After a while tough every conversation became about him and I couldn't enjoy myself in his company. What really got me tough wad he never asked me how I was or how was things going for me. We are still friends now but we''re our friendship is a lot less.

Merkin

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Some friendships run dry. I had a friend I thought I was quite close too. But then I realised I was a friend when I suited her and got frozen out when she didn't. I deleted her number snd haven't contacted her since. I don't miss the friendship which is testament to the fact there wasn't anything of great substance to it. Funny thing is she's now best mates wth people she spent years backstabbing.

OMG we have got to be talking about the same person Hannibal!!! Exact same situation re the person I was referring to, a prize cow about people she is now suddenly besties with, purleeease!:rolleyes:

Stavro Mueller

advicepls wrote: »

I would actually prefer if she just came out and said I don't wish to be friends with you anymore but she is not doing that. She is just freezing me out and I feel that if I say something it just makes me look needy and demanding.

Last time I looked, it was kids in primary school who said things like that. Seriously, most friendships don't end with grand declarations like that. Furthermore, most adults tend to go down the diplomatic route rather than tell the other person things that may be hurtful to them. Your friend is displaying all the hallmarks of that behaviour. The "busy" excuse has been trotted out. She's sending cold/polite/impersonal responses to your texts which are not encouraging further contact. She's meeting other mutual friends but is making sure that isn't happening with you. She's probably wishing you'd take the hint and clear off. Very few people ever want to have that conversation

As for what exactly has happened, it looks like you may have worn her down with all your problems. Or she just went off you. Or maybe she is a shallow person who's genuinely not interested in you any more. At this stage it's an irrelevance. The damage has been done and she has decided she doesn't want to be friends with you.

Ask yourself this - if you never sent another text message to her, do you think you'd ever hear from her again?

I was thinking of writing her a letter but I don;t want it to come across as being victimy. I guess I just want to know why we have gone from best friends to polite acquaintances? Is that asking too much? I admit I was needy in the past but I was going through some very difficult stuff and I am a good friend -am not a me me me person at all. Am just not sure what do with this situation. Am I wrong to feel hurt?

Any advice?

Yes it is needy and you're being naive if you think you're going to get a truthful answer. Even if the letter doesn't hit the bin unanswered, you're likely to get a cautiously worded response which will leave you none the wiser and set your bullshlt detector into overdrive. Seeing as she's part of a wider circle of friends, it'll either lead to you being excluded from certain meet-ups if she's invited or her avoiding you like the plague.

My advice to you is to accept that this friendship is over. Don't pester her for answers or you'll just p^ss her off further than I think she is already p^ssed off.

loalae

I'm going through something very similar with 2 of my friends, OP, and I agree with the advice here - let the friendship go.

You can't force someone to be friends with you and you can't force them to have a conversation they don't want to have.

It sucks but when you pine for a previous friendship you miss out on opportunities for new friendships. Also I'd seriously advise you to stop asking mutual friends what's going on. Accept what you have now and move on.

ahnow

When someone's not there for you when times are tough I don't think they're a true friend. You said your friendship was reciprocal at the start, and for whatever reason, she decided to bail. It's a crap thing to happen, and a crap thing to do to a friend. And the way she's gone about it is pretty lousy as well, because it's leaving you wondering where you stand, which can be tormenting.
I always think in relationships, genuine relationships, when times are hard, people should be a support to one another. It doesn't mean carry one another, but a bit of support is not too much to ask.
You've given this person enough of your time, take back you own power now. Although it's very hurtful, in the long run, do you really need someone who's just going to bail on you like that? And would you have done the same to her if the situation was the other way around?
Put the energy from the lost friendship back into yourself, do something kind for yourself, once you cut the ties from your end you'll find once she's out of your system you wont miss her in the slightest, and better people will come along more deserving of your friendship.

loalae

You may find it useful to look at how you relate to people in general and why you became so heavy on your friend and to try to address the root problems.

We don't know if it's because you've been too needy, it might be that any needy at all is too much for this other girl. Some people are great friends when things are ticking over nicely, but aren't able to handle anything beyond that. You had a bad time, leaned on a friend like most of us do, and now she's withdrawn that support. Maybe you missed some cues that it was expecting too much of her, but most people would recognise that you were having a bad time and are likely to make mistakes, so maybe she expected too much of you too.

Don't assume that's your fault, it might be. It might not. Either way the friendship is over because she had decided that and there's little you can do about it. It's a loss, but let it go. Don't write a letter and keep things light when you're in the same company. You have mutual friends, so learn to give as little or as much as it takes to avoid alienating yourself from the group.

Stavro Mueller

Candie wrote: »

Don't assume that's your fault, it might be. It might not. Either way the friendship is over because she had decided that and there's little you can do about it. It's a loss, but let it go. Don't write a letter and keep things light when you're in the same company. You have mutual friends, so learn to give as little or as much as it takes to avoid alienating yourself from the group.

This is something you need to be careful about. People don't like being caught in the middle of situations like these. Nor are they going to spill the beans even if they know something about this - you're being naïve if you expect them to get involved. The most sensible thing to do should you happen to find yourself in the same room as Jane is to treat her as a friendly acquaintance.Smile, exchange some light small talk then leave her alone. People can and do take sides and you could find ourself out in the cold very easily.

As has been pointed out on this thread, you can't force someone to be friends with you. They either want to hang out with you or they don't.

LegacyUser

Her response "Its fine" was pretty significant, imo. I would hazard it meant "Its not fine at all, but what am I supposed to do, be a bitch and say that?"

You stress that you aren't a MeMeMe person, but at no point do you talk about being HER shoulder to cry on over the past few years. Do you think absolutely nothing upset her badly over the course of several years in her early thirites? Really?? If your answer is "No! She would have told me!" I'd say bulls*t. Nobody tells the person thats going through Hell that they have problems too, actually.

Relationships really need to be 50/50, even when one person is walking through the wars. Or if its physically impossible for it to be 50/50 at least there has to be the impression that War Wounded would want it to be 50/50 should things be different, and is trying their best to make it less than 100% about them. And this has to happen at pretty much every interaction. It doesn't take much for the other person to feel weary with the Counsellor role.

She sounds polite and non-confrontational. Its silly to expect someone like that to suddenly be blunt. But her message is loud and clear. She is weary of your friendship and plainly feels like she gets nothing out of it anymore.

When I was young I went through a very bad patch where my head was all over the place. Turns out it was bad depression, but in the pre-diagnosis stage (months and months) I was weepy, confused, and reeling from being head wrecked 24/7. I got put on anti-depressants and instantly started to improve. It was at that point, just as I was finally able to go out to the pub and have a laugh like the old days, that my best friend turned cold. I understand it now. She had put up with it when I was in Hell because its what she had to do as a friend. But then I was *BING!* all better and she suddenly realised how worn out she was. With me. We slid out of contact for good, me being too proud and angry to persue it. I was very bitter at the time, but now I have more sympathy for her.

I wouldn't do anything dramatic. I would keep going along on nights out where she's there. And say NOTHING to your mutual friends. You have asked already, you say. STOP. It'll trickle back, and reinforce to your friend that yet again, you're looking for reassurance. Just like you have needed for these last few years. She's plainly sick of having to give it. So change the tune.

Instead, when you see each other be nice. Buy her a drink. If you're next to her, ask about her job, her family.....ANYTHING. She may be aloof, but be careful not to fill the awkwardness with your stuff. Unless its a funny story, she's worn out hearing it. Show her with your conversation that the tune has changed. And don't hurry. Honestly I don't know if you'll get back your old friendship, but please realise it takes two wanting that for it to happen. If she wants a more "acquaintance-y" relationship then why not be the nicest acquaintance she knows?. Thats a start.

tara73

after reading your initial post, first thing which sprung to my mind is, it developed into more for her than a good friendship but she realised it's not the same for you. so she's obviously a sensitive girl and just protected herself from hurt and awkward situations.
sure she could have confessed to you but it's her decision, she obviously just wants to let the friendship fizzling out or just hoping you would get the story yourself.
just my guess here, could it be true?

Merkin

tara73 wrote: »

after reading your initial post, first thing which sprung to my mind is, it developed into more for her than a good friendship but she realised it's not the same for you. so she's obviously a sensitive girl and just protected herself from hurt and awkward situations.
sure she could have confessed to you but it's her decision, she obviously just wants to let the friendship fizzling out or just hoping you would get the story yourself.
just my guess here, could it be true?

That is one hell of a leap. How on earth could you surmise from the OP that its a case of unrequited feelings?

thefeatheredcat

I'd agree with the suggestion that either you leaned on her too much, or weren't around for her when she needed you..... but I would also put out the idea that perhaps the experience you went through she was unable to cope with. It is possible she might have distanced herself due to being unable to cope with your experience, rather than because you took the friendship for granted or leaned too much on her.

Either way, I wouldn't write the letter and send it to her. I would only suggest as a matter of getting stuff off your chest to write it and throw it into the fire.

You're not wrong to feel hurt. But I think you must take care of yourself and move past that hurt. Let the friendship go, deal with what you feel and make your life happier in fulfilling your life in other ways. If through mutual friends you end up in her company, be nice and friendly and don't let it bother you. Just be confident and secure in yourself, respect her decision, and keep the chin up.