Relationship end of the road

LegacyUser

Hello boardsies,
Going anon for this one...
I have been living in Australia for nearly 2 years now, and recently become a permanent resident, so needless to say I love it here, and am happy to settle for the foreseeable future, and who knows after that.

I am living with a girl that I met 2 years ago while travelling in Vietnam (she's Swedish, and yes she's beautiful, tall, blond and blue-eyed as you would expect). After the time in Asia (he hung out for approx 1 month, and had an absolute blast together), she returned to Europe and I made my way to Australia. After we parted ways, we kept in contact.

After a few months, she tells me that she has decided to come to Australia.
Long story short, we're now living with each other sharing an apartment (only renting...phew!). It probably wasn't the best decision to live with each other after knowing each other for such a sort time - but hey, decisions were made and a particular time (right or wrong), and now this is my situation. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

After 8 months or so of living together, I've had enough. She has become very dependent on me (emotionally, not financially). At the moment, she's going through a transition, in terms of employment, so there are some money worries on her side.
She's always telling me her worries, in a way that I'm expected to magically come up with a solution to everything in her life. If she's out, she will call me several times a day, and after the phonecalls I feel like I have lost the will to live. If she's not telling me about how bad a day she's had, she's moaning about something else. If the sun is shining, it's too hot. If it's raining, the weather is "absolutely horrible". Never happy!


she has no hobbies, and doesn't make any effort whatsoever to go out and meet others. I've run out of things to talk to her about, I really have. It's just got to the point now, where I would much rather to spend time alone than with her - a horrible thing to admit to, but it's just the truth.

Anyway, what makes this slightly more complicated than a conventional breakup, is that her plan for the next few years is to live in Australia with me. She is very attached to her home country, and it has taken alot for her to talk to her family and announce that she's going to be away for much longer than initially planned.
So this is the thing...
I am a permanent resident, and in 9 months time, the plan is for her to apply for a de facto visa, so she can stay In Oz. This means that not only do I want to break up with her, but I have to tell her that her only option of living and working in Australia has also been taken away from her.

Over the last 6 months or so, I have a feeling that she suffers from depression, and finds the going tough sometimes. Basically I'm scared sh!tless at what she'll do once I do the deed.


Any advice would be muchly appreciated. I know it's not going to be pretty, but hey somethings in life are tough no matter what!

Thanks for reading.

AnonMouse

Having read your post, it sounds like your girlfriend does suffer from depression.

As hard as it is on her, you are entitled to your happiness and if that means breaking up with her, so be it. She will find a way to deal with it, but that is not your responsibility. The situation is tougher for her than it would be if she was in Sweden, but what doesn't kill her, will make her stronger.

Her plan is to be with you for the next few years in Oz. You are miserable with her so that plan is a no go. Plans change all the time, so i'm sure she will come up with something.

My advice is a little direct, but I mean well. Best of luck with it

Big Bag of Chips

If she's very attached to her home country, and is really only in Australia because you are, then maybe she will return home rather than apply for residency?

You can't be responsible for the happiness of someone else. If she is so unhappy in Australia, she might even be relieved at the chance to go home. I'm sure she will be upset at the end of your relationship, but staying with her out of pity or guilt is much worse than breaking up with her and letting her make an independent decision after that.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks for the input. I agree with both of you yup. Although she is a wonderful person and so many ways, she's just not a good fit for me right now. As you say, I could say nothing and stay with her out of guilt but I wouldn't like someone to do that to me, so it works both ways. It's just that if she had her network of friends with her to help her, it would obviously be alot easier for her - I guess it's one of them things that you have to sacrifice when you decide to go your own way in life.

In my breaking up experience, I've found it's always best to cut all contact - being over here though is a little bit different though? I know I'm only one person and all that, but getting such a set-back, so far away from home, without any support system whatsoever - I feel it might be too much for her.
Then again, you're right in saying that maybe this will be her excuse to return to Europe (where I feel she would be happier)...

She has said a number of times that she likes it here, but if I left, she would seriously reconsider leaving also - that's the kind of stuff that really fricken bothers me. How dare someone put so much pressure on someone else for their happiness? I'm too busy trying to enjoy my own life, rather than cater to others in that way. Sorry I'm ranting now...

Anyway, thanks for the words of advice

midnight_train

Hi OP,

Just wanted to echo what the other posters have said, especially Big Bag of Chips.

I was in a similar position to you - met my ex (a Kiwi) while he was in Ireland temporarily, had a crazy whirlwind romance, decided we were in love, he went back to New Zealand as his visa was up, we kept up a long-distance relationship for about a year, and I then moved to New Zealand.

However, after moving in together, getting a job, etc., etc., I realized that:

1. I hated living in New Zealand and could never imagine settling there
2. Now that the dust had settled, my ex was really not the right guy for me.

HOWEVER, we had already gotten engaged and were planning a wedding - I put a huge amount of pressure on myself to make the relationship work, get married, and live happily ever after in New Zealand because that's what I'd told everyone I was going to do. It seemed impossible to call it all off - my ex was a nice guy, his family were lovely, the wedding was 10 weeks away - but call it off I did, and I'm so glad.

I moved back to Ireland, and was (and am) so happy to be back. New Zealand was not my bag, and it would have been a huge mistake to stay there just to be in a relationship. My ex and I have both moved on and are happy with other people, in our respective home countries. It was most definitely not meant to be for us, and had it not been a whirlwind holiday romance followed by long-distance pining, I would have realized it a hell of a lot sooner!

She'll be fine. No-one's pregnant, and no-one's going to die. You owe it to yourself and to her to find your own happiness, and if you know it's not going to be as a couple, then break it off. Life is a short and wonderful gift, don't waste it on the wrong person.

Good luck x

Neyite

dedumdedumdedum wrote: »

She has said a number of times that she likes it here, but if I left, she would seriously reconsider leaving also - that's the kind of stuff that really fricken bothers me. How dare someone put so much pressure on someone else for their happiness? I'm too busy trying to enjoy my own life, rather than cater to others in that way.

I would consider this part another way, I don't see it as pressure, just stating a fact. There are plenty of places I would prefer to live, but I'm where I am for my job. I know plenty of couples where the only reason one of them is in that location is down to the opportunities the other one has jobs-wise. And that is ok.

In a way, this is good for your predicament. It would be worse if it was her dream country to live in, and the only way she could was on your de-facto, and you took that route away from her. This way, she is saying "This place is grand, I'll stick it because I'm with you, but if you were not here, I'd prefer to be at home"

Be kind, be firm, and do a nice clean break. She is a grown up and can decide for herself if she wants to find the ways to stay or go home. Its not fair for either of you to invest in a dead-end relationship at the expense of your own happiness.

Idle Passerby

I agree with the general consensus of the responses, if its not working out the way you had hoped then you cant stay with this girl out of guilt. She sounds miserable in Australia.

One thing that jumped out for me though is that you say she expects you to magically solve her problems when she complains. I'd say she just wants you to sympathise with her, shes obviously not having a great time, you are the only person she knows, she probably cant speak to people at home much because of the time difference and she may well be thinking "what the hell have I got myself into".

None of that changes anything though. If its not working, its not working.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Nice to hear my situation isn't unique..thanks for sharing your story Midnight! I always like to hear stories from normal people with incredible courage. As you said, no-one is pregnant/dead because of what happened - I totally agree, however with someone who may be suffering from a bout of depression, I fear her thinking won't be as rational, as she ALWAYS thinks the worst case scenario in any event.
I care for her a hell of a lot and I hate to see her upset, but I has just got to the stage, where it's bordering on the ridiculous...e.g. is a sunny day of 35 degrees ever a problem for anyone, where they will constantly talk about it in a negative way, on an ongoing basis? Well it's a big problem for her apparently. I mean COME ON!!! "It's too hot", "Sweden never gets days like this".."it's unbearable" - It's just so hard to be empathetic when the reasons for the grievance are just ridiculous in my opinion.

Right now, I just feel that I'd like to help her, but I'm not a qualified therapist, so I feel helpless.

@Idle Passerby: I do agree with your hypothesis that she's lacking her normal support system because of distance/time (and it is quite difficult to keep up with everyone at home , for sure). And maybe she is thinking "What the hell have I got myself into?".
Leaving to live the other side of the planet is not for everyone. I was slightly nervous before I left, but after the first few tough months are in the past, it gets a hell of a lot easier. She's now here about 9 months, and is still struggling with the emotions that have left most immigrants after a much shorter time - I think that's the issue.

Regardless, I know what has to be done, and I hope that she finds the strength to battle through and do what's right for her. I genuinely care about her alot, and just want her to be happy. I just hate seeing her so down all the time.

and @midnight_train put it perfectly: Life is a short and wonderful gift - it's not to be wasted with the wrong person.

Big Bag of Chips

Just be careful about diagnosing her yourself. You don't know that she suffers from depression. Nobody here can tell you that she is definitely suffering from depression. The only way she can be diagnosed is by visiting a doctor.

Some people just like to moan... About everything! It doesn't mean they are depressed. In fact most 'moaners' I know are quite happy giving out about every little thing

When it comes down to it, you didn't really know her before she moved in with you. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. And this is one of the times that after the 'honeymoon period' ended, you realised that you were not actually compatible.

It happens. It's just happening to you at the other side of the world!

elleA

I've kind of been on the other side of this....where I was potentially planning a future with an Aussie and we had both talked about me applying for the de-facto visa. However, for many reasons, the relationship crumbled and I was faced with not only a broken heart but having to leave the country (which I loved) BUT that is how life is sometimes. At the end of the day, breaking-up was the right decision and I became so much stronger and had the opportunity to meet many other awesome people in my remaining time in Perth. Your situation sounds like a case of 'cruel to be kind' but I appreciate that you are intentionally trying to be 'cruel'. It comes across that you do care for her but at the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you. The only thing I strongly urge is that you are totally honest with her to give her proper closure.

nc19

Life is short

You are not responsible for her mental health or her life going forward

If you dont want to be with her tell her

She will prob go home then and you get your life back