Is the grass greener?

CaliforniaDream

I'm not sure where to begin or what exactly I'm liking for out of this thread.

I've been with my husband 10 years, married for four. We're both Irish but we moved to the US together 3 years ago.
We've always argued over silly stuff and sometimes not so silly stuff. The past year we've been drifting apart. We're on different schedules and don't get to see each other very much.

This week we've had another argument that is just a rehash of a previous one. I've been thinking a lot about what I want and feel that he's not respecting me. He doesn't make me feel beautiful or confident either. At this point in my life I want someone I can depend on and trust. I want someone to care about my opinion and someone who feels the situation is made better by my presence.
But he's a great guy. He makes me laugh and generally treats me well. He's got a great personality and would make a wonderful father if we had kids. He's generous and gets along with everyone.

Yet here we are considering separating. I'm not sure we're at the same point in life and think we'd both be happier apart. I know he doesn't really want to break up and I'm not sure I do either, but that might be just because we're scared. I'm 29 so have spent all of my adult life with him and he's the only relationship I've really had.
Am I just looking at what I haven't got rather than what I have. I'm so afraid to split up and regret losing a great guy. When you still love the person how do you know it's over?

I can't get my head clear on what's right or wrong. I know no one can tell me for sure whether to stay or leave but I'd appreciate any advice.

Taltos

Right now OP your head and his are effectively melted... You are both too close to the situation to really see what is going on, fear, hopelessness, anger, frustration - all of these emotions may be playing through your head and stopping you both from seeing what should be done.

One thing that jumped out at me is that you both still seem to love each other. So that prompts the question - why walk away at all until you have exhausted all avenues?

This is going to sound trite - but seriously look into some local marriage counseling. Now - this might be the catalyst you both need to recommit and find each other again, or - well it could be the trigger to help you both come to a place of acceptance that it is over and that you are better apart.

In the short-term try to do some things together if you can - go for walks, or hikes, arrange and stick to a movie night. In my view, what you're experiencing is quite normal especially with the hectic and stressed lives we are following now, added to that you have the stress of living abroad with no inbuilt local safety net. My OH and I started (re-started) these types of activities around 6 to 10 years into our marriage - doing little things together definitely helped us, in one of my sister's cases counseling is the only thing that helped them as the challenges they had built up over 15 years of marriage were too much for them to work through on their own...

Tokyo

Agree with the above poster. The sentences that stand out for me are

he's a great guy. He makes me laugh and generally treats me well. He's got a great personality and would make a wonderful father if we had kids. He's generous and gets along with everyone.

I know he doesn't really want to break up and I'm not sure I do either

I'm so afraid to split up and regret losing a great guy. When you still love the person how do you know it's over?

Your words, about the guy you are married to. It seems to me that the avenue of separation as a solution would be like taking a sledgehammer to crack a nut. Its clear that you are both frustrated as hell, but there are an awful lot of other avenues to explore before separation, if you are both willing to try. I'm not personally huge on counselling (a failing on my own part), but in this case it does seem that you both need some perspective on what you both have, in order to appreciate it. I wish you both the best with it

fungun

I've been thinking a lot about what I want and feel that he's not respecting me. He doesn't make me feel beautiful or confident either. At this point in my life I want someone I can depend on and trust. I want someone to care about my opinion and someone who feels the situation is made better by my presence.

You state this as the problem but generally say he treats you well, as in the post above. So why do you feel like he is not respecting you?

Victoria Fortescue

I was thinking what Fungun said reading your post. Hes good to you, but he disrespects you? I don't follow.

The arguments are to be focused on, and I think that is what is swaying you both to to end it. There is no resolution, just resentment left behind. If you're rehashing issues and still not resolving the problems you need middle ground, a counsellor. The disrespect bit is the decider as to whether you work in this or not. Is it serious enough to end it, or can this go as part of the package to a couples counsellor?

December2012

My husband and I went to marriage counselling because we loved each other but we couldn't by ourselves figure out a way to resolve our problems, which were small in stature but exhausting when persisting.

We "knew" how to resolve things - talk, listen, stay calm, etc, but these steps held more weight after we had spoken with the counsellor, who basically facilitated us to really acknowledge and listen to the other person.

We are the better for it and improvement started right away.

I'm not really sure how it's your husbands job to make you feel beautiful or confident. These are things you have to have for yourself surely? Unless your husband is telling you you're ugly and actively undermining your confidence, I don't understand what you expect him to provide for you.

I think you have to examine your expectations in the context of your limited time together, and both of you have to decide if saving your relationship is a priority.

Legs.Eleven

Candie wrote: »

I'm not really sure how it's your husbands job to make you feel beautiful or confident. These are things you have to have for yourself surely? Unless your husband is telling you you're ugly and actively undermining your confidence, I don't understand what you expect him to provide for you.

I think you have to examine your expectations in the context of your limited time together, and both of you have to decide if saving your relationship is a priority.

I would agree. Expecting someone to raise your confidence is a huge thing to ask of anyone. That has to come from yourself. You stated so many good points to your relationship including how he treats you well generally.

Nobody is perfect but it sounds like you have a good man there. I hope this is not taken the wrong way but I have a friend who was in a 10 year relationship right through her twenties and it was her first. She ended it with the belief that it was easy to find a man as good as the one she dumped and because he didn't tick ALL the boxes. She's finding out the truth the hard way now.

The world is full of good men but ones you can click with and ones that love you back (and can make you laugh)...it's not that easy. Don't throw it all away without giving a really good stab at it, particularly if you still love the man.

No one is perfect.

Nymeria

Stresses and strains are normal in relationships, but if you feel that fundamentally you would both be better off apart then there is no shame in leaving. OP, you say that he is the only boyfriend you had, and now he is your husband, maybe you are wondering what your life would be like on your own.We tend to change a lot in our 20's and perhaps you are wondering who you are as an independent single person without being in a couple...and imagining if that person would be better off alone for a while.

It also sounds a bit like you are scared of leaving, scared of change and not wanting to hurt your husbands feelings, however decisions like this should not be based on fear.

Maybe people will tell you not to leave a relationship unless things are really bad, and that you should try everything before giving up. I would agree in part, but also feel that you know yourself if things aren't working and only you know if you would be better off apart.

The thing is your husband has probably noticed that things are struggling also, so maybe give yourselves a chance to work on things, try communicating your fears and worries and see if you can work things out.

But if you still feel like this in a year or two, maybe think about finding your own path. You are young enough that you can start over and make a good life for yourself.

I wish you all the best x

CaliforniaDream

Thanks for the replies everyone. I haven't had time to address the points raised yet but I'll get to them tonight.
I appreciate the advice received.