I can't stop myself

LegacyUser

Many years ago I fell head over heels in love with a guy but he went abroad and I never saw him again . I never ever forgot him and a few years ago I found him on a forum and contacted him. He was delighted to hear from me and we chatted on line a few times
and I was over the moon. I told him how I felt all these years and he was very nice about it
but basically said that it hadn't been the same for him - fair enough! He said he was happy to meet me or stay in touch every few months but I was ill at the time and really didn't look my best so didn't meet up with him. I know in my heart of hearts that he is a lovely guy and was probably taken aback when I revealed my feelings for him . I am thrilled that I found him again just because I always wondered what he ended up doing etc. Trouble is, I think about him so much and I hate myself because I was so shy and insecure all those years ago and I now know that he really did like me a lot and things could have been so different.

How do you ever get over these feelings ? I've never ever felt the same way about anyone else , even though I married .

zoobizoo

You find someone else....

Those feelings fade very quickly then

Heyitsalexee

Well it is difficult. it is but you just little by little move on.. i was involved with someone and didn't take him seriously at all ..tho if i did.. i'd be in a much better place than i am today... (emotionally mentally physically) .. he would show up at my door if something was bothering me to sooth me or if my phone was cut off for what ever reason just so he can talk to me and see me

it wasn't till after everything was over ( I cut him off completely) that i realized i have very STRONG feelings for this man..and even months after he would still knock my door and i'd look see it was him and just kinda cried a bit there silently. because well i knew it would never be the same...

It gets a bit easier when you find someone else.. and then it also get even easier when you find out that their not into you.. lol .. but easiest for me was out of sight out of mind .

Paddy Cow

Unregistered wrote: »

Many years ago I fell head over heels in love with a guy but he went abroad and I never saw him again . I never ever forgot him and a few years ago I found him on a forum and contacted him. He was delighted to hear from me and we chatted on line a few times
and I was over the moon. I told him how I felt all these years and he was very nice about it
but basically said that it hadn't been the same for him - fair enough! He said he was happy to meet me or stay in touch every few months but I was ill at the time and really didn't look my best so didn't meet up with him. I know in my heart of hearts that he is a lovely guy and was probably taken aback when I revealed my feelings for him . I am thrilled that I found him again just because I always wondered what he ended up doing etc. Trouble is, I think about him so much and I hate myself because I was so shy and insecure all those years ago and I now know that he really did like me a lot and things could have been so different.

How do you ever get over these feelings ? I've never ever felt the same way about anyone else , even though I married .

You are romanticising this in your head. The only way things could have been different is if you told him then you had feelings for him, he would have told you he didn't feel the same and you could have moved on. Instead you have held a flame for him for years and you are going to have to let it go. He clearly has no romantic feelings for you and you are not being fair to yourself or your husband by holding onto this.

LegacyUser

I did tell him I had feelings for him and he did feel the same
but I was very shy and there was a lot of stuff going on in my
life at that particular time. I just didn't realise back then that
I was attractive ( it's complicated, low self esteem issues etc)
I am divorced now so I'm not being unfair to anyone.
I was just wondering if anyone else has an experience like mine, that's all.

Big Bag of Chips

He'll always be your "one that got away". It depends too on how old you were at the time. You liked him, a lot back then, you say he liked you too.... But now, years later he is telling you that he didn't feel as strongly as you did. Was it a young love type scenario. Where you (both) thought you were in love and going to get married and have babies? We all go through that phase, and then years later realise we weren't actually "in love" with that person at all.

Maybe you were, but looking back he realises he wasn't.

Honestly, there's nothing you can do now. That ship has sailed, and he probably has no idea that you are still holding a torch for him. The only thing you can do is accept your feelings. Accept you will always have a regret for not having the courage back then to act on your feelings. And accept that you will always have a soft spot for him. But also accept that it didn't happen back then, and it's not going to happen in the future.

(And also accept that you are most definitely not unique! Even people in happy committed relationship will have that little bit of nostalgia, and occassional thought "what if")

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

How do you ever get over these feelings ? I've never ever felt the same way about anyone else , even though I married .

I blame American romcoms.

What I mean, and what you appear to be suffering from, is this tendency for people to demand that romance and love is something so perfect as to be impossible. Like all those 'happily ever after' endings to romantic comedies that shield you from the reality of life, which is that relationships are imperfect, hard work and have their ups and downs.

What you had with him was completely abstract, because ultimately nothing actually happened - making your 'love' perfect and unsullied. And theoretical.

Now you're married and in a real relationship. It's not perfect. He probably does things that piss you off. You often wonder why you married him and, especially if you have kids, sometimes regret what has become of your life. Where's the romance, after all?

If what you're experiencing is a bit of an indulgence, then fair enough. Wallow in it every now and then, if it's your thing. But don't let it take over your life, because this love you have for this guy never actually existed. You love the idea of him, not the actual person, who probably farts in bed, just like your husband.

Merkin

You're totally contradicting yourself.He has explicitly told you that he didn't feel the same and yet you've built up some fantasy in your head.The sooner you realise that he wasn't as keen and that it simply wasn't meant to be then the sooner you will be free to engage in more realistic and present day romantic opportunities.

dellas1979

Just to add to the advice also, while you still carry such a strongly lit torch for this guy, there is no room for anyone else.

That spot has been taken up by someone who doesnt want a relationship with you.

So, effectively, you are sabbotaging your present and future happiness.

You have to stop beating yourself up over what you did or didnt say years ago. Keep telling yourself he doesnt feel the same way, realise there is NOTHING on this green earth that you can do, and move on.

You need to do something good/healthy for your self-esteem. Womaning up and taking responsibility for your happiness should be top of your list.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the replies. I am well aware that I need to move forward from this.
I just wanted to know if anyone else has had the same experience, that's all.
Big Bag of Chips, thank you , your comments are considerate.